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"New Mamas of Spirtual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call - Page 4

post #61 of 236
: I don't know why that is so difficult. I can do it with strangers, friends, family....but have problems with dh
post #62 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee
: I don't know why that is so difficult. I can do it with strangers, friends, family....but have problems with dh
Because his opinion means more to you...maybe because you are attached to what you think a spouse should be, how a partner should act, how a partner should make you feel...maybe these preconcieved notions are holding you back...if you could let go of that then maybe you could start just loving him.

I am guessing here of course...but it seems that when there is more at stake we become much more attached to results/responses.
post #63 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by allgirls
Because his opinion means more to you...maybe because you are attached to what you think a spouse should be, how a partner should act, how a partner should make you feel...maybe these preconcieved notions are holding you back...if you could let go of that then maybe you could start just loving him.

I am guessing here of course...but it seems that when there is more at stake we become much more attached to results/responses.
Very true...
post #64 of 236
we have a hard time with mutial unconditional love
b/c we have old resentments

we say taht we are over them, but they always resurface

that is where the love like you have never been hurt concept can be helpful

good point all girls
when you said that :

Because his opinion means more to you...maybe because you are attached to what you think a spouse should be, how a partner should act, how a partner should make you feel...maybe these preconcieved notions are holding you back...if you could let go of that then maybe you could start just loving him.

I am guessing here of course...but it seems that when there is more at stake we become much more attached to results/responses.



i often think why does it bother me so much when i think he is not being nice, or polite, or respectful?

is it b/c i do not do a good job being nice, polite, and respectful TO MYSELF???

women/mothers/wives tend to give and give till their well is going to run dry adn then be mad/resentful that no when is really taking care of them the way (or to teh degree) that they are caring for others...
being a martyr?
post #65 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by moma justice
women/mothers/wives tend to give and give till their well is going to run dry adn then be mad/resentful that no when is really taking care of them the way (or to teh degree) that they are caring for others...
being a martyr?
Bingo...we need to care for ourselves...find our fulfullment within ourselves, make ourselves happy and share it...not count on others to make us happy...that responsibility is too big for anyone to take on.
post #66 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by moma justice



i often think why does it bother me so much when i think he is not being nice, or polite, or respectful?

is it b/c i do not do a good job being nice, polite, and respectful TO MYSELF???

This is also true, in a way.

Supposedly, anything we see in our dp is a reflection of the same within ourselves -- and we wouldn't necessarily see it as such (and attach the meaning to the behaviour that we do) if we did not have that in us. So it is like a gift, this reflection; being able to see something and have the opportunity to process it.

Often our egos will be too protective and prevent us from seeing the issue in ourself, so our ego notices it when it is in another as a safer way of facing the issue.

I also think this is what is meant by the phrases "struck a nerve/chord" and "takes one to know one."
post #67 of 236
Allgirls quote

"Yep...that's a common problem...the thing is you have to learn to give your DH respect and love with no regard to whether he can give it back or not. No eye to results...just give respect and love( I am assuming those are the things you want to recieve) but you have to let the recieving go and concentrate on the giving"

SO true, I think we end up waiting for the worst, as previously stated and lashing out at our dp both internaly and externaly. the more we expect from people, the more disapointed we become. I'm not saying this happens all the time...occasionaly.

The other thing I often wonder is what makes these things come out of their mouth? Who told them this was ok? Are we THAT annoying? Does it matter?
post #68 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisa72
The other thing I often wonder is what makes these things come out of their mouth? Who told them this was ok? Are we THAT annoying? Does it matter?
I would vote for the "it doesn't matter" part...but that would be wrong...it matters to them...those things they say that are mean and thoughtless matters greatly to them...how can you feel good about about yourself if you treat your spouse in a disrespectful way or anyone else for that matter...but that is their issue not yours. They would be happier if they didn't do these things. Oh and they know it's not ok(everyone has intuition) and no we are not that annoying...they are that impatient.

BUT you can't change them..you can only change you...you can only begin to let go of your response to that behaviour. You have to take the hurt you feel when negative words are said to you and sit quietly and pull them apart and decide how you will respond...often in doing so the hurt and anger just goes away. And a more positive response on your end stops the cycle and takes away any negativity you add to it.

And you have to do it for your peace of mind..not because you want certain results.

What I find is that since I started practicing living the way I do people have noticed...and they ask me how I stay calm and happy most of the time and then I tell them...they know I am gentler and calmer and happy and they want that for themselves. But most people don't do anything about it. They want to but they don't.

I do find myself wanting to yell at someone now and then and I still feel road rage and I still get insulted by criticism but I respond totally differently...and I feel differently...mainly because I let go of the need to "not let them get away with it" and because I feel good because I am able to respond and stand up for myself without putting others down
post #69 of 236
May May....good points...so does that mean the wonderful things I see in my DP are also a reflexion of myself...it may be...I know I am a better person and I keep seeing an improvement in him as well....I better not dwell on it too much or the old ego will get too excited!
post #70 of 236
I think I will print this out so DH and I can both do this. Just this morning was punctuated with, "you are the hardest person to get along with that I have ever known my whole life." That was me to him. ugh!
post #71 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by findingMYway
I think I will print this out so DH and I can both do this. Just this morning was punctuated with, "you are the hardest person to get along with that I have ever known my whole life." That was me to him. ugh!

Well...I know I have said this to my ex-DH...and it's true...LOL...it's still true...I just don't say it anymore. Oh it would be nice if the DH's did it too..
post #72 of 236
great thread! :
post #73 of 236
findindMYway quote


"I think I will print this out so DH and I can both do this. Just this morning was punctuated with, "you are the hardest person to get along with that I have ever known my whole life." That was me to him. ugh!"


I think this is because we care SO much , which I suppose is a good thing
I have NEVER met ANYONE who makes me grit my teeth more than anyone EVER...but his good points definately outway the bad.


If we look at what a marriage actually is and what we think it should be, there's a huge difference. I know I found it a bit of a shock.
post #74 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by allgirls
May May....good points...so does that mean the wonderful things I see in my DP are also a reflexion of myself...it may be...I know I am a better person and I keep seeing an improvement in him as well....I better not dwell on it too much or the old ego will get too excited!


It definately does!
It goes both ways -- basically, you can only identify and recognize in others that which exists in you. It's very validating and affirming, actually (as opposed to considering it to be egotistical). You can receive the full value of the validation and the affirmation there, too, because it is not egotistical to honor the signs of reinforcement coming from the universal ripples (effects) of your actions. What a blessing!
post #75 of 236
Thread Starter 
hi everyone,

lots to catch up on here!

and at home...I'm feeling trapped in the mundaness of my life as a SAHM...trying to snap out of it


blessings~~
post #76 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic~mama
hi everyone,

lots to catch up on here!

and at home...I'm feeling trapped in the mundaness of my life as a SAHM...trying to snap out of it


blessings~~
Yeah...I know how you feel...
post #77 of 236
trapped psycho here too
my dd has entered a very strong willed stage and it is breaking me in two to know how to balance the guide adn protectiveness with freedom to fail and learn on her own side

i am using a lot of our spouse advice stuff that we have discussed here with her too, realizing how i can't controle her and it is the illusion of control that i have to let go of to really be present with her and just peacefuly be with her as she takes the lead....

i also wanted to let you all know that this thread has been areal source of inspiration for a great soul search and major boost to my ability to be a better spouse, i have noticed a huge difference in my tempor and abilty to stay calm adn unattached and still offer that unconditional love from my heart

and i have seen great results so far with dh's sweetness back in return

i also had a revalation today while doing a yoga, meditation, journal hour (aka nap time) that i have been expecting my husabnd to make me feel exciting and alive with eoverall life energy and have been trying to manipulate, guilt, and beg for him to maek me feel happy and alive for years!

talk about counter productive, not even possible, and draining!

i never saw me with my needs as being such a drain with that being my hidden expectation but it was

and i journaled about it and i feel lighter just realizing that as my part of the problem in our ability to be a dynamic loving supportive team

i was trying to suck him dry adn then was hurt mad adn defensive b/c he waws not giving me the energy that i wanted to feel good!

so i have go tto do more yoga,,,that is such a great way for me to stay grounded (i am an air sign of libra) balanced and flowing with life energy...(kundilini?)
post #78 of 236
mama justice...thank you so much for sharing. I love yoga but I haven't had much practice...it truly is a meditative discipline.

I think not only was I once attached to someone else making me feel excited and alive but also was attached to feeling "excited and alive" as though feeling that way was important...now I am working hard to just enjoy being. Some days I am excited and alive but most days I just "am" and that's just as nice. In some ways it's much more peaceful.
post #79 of 236
: Catching up...

to all my mamas! I am glad to have this thread!
post #80 of 236
[QUOTE=

i also had a revalation today while doing a yoga, meditation, journal hour (aka nap time) that i have been expecting my husabnd to make me feel exciting and alive with eoverall life energy and have been trying to manipulate, guilt, and beg for him to maek me feel happy and alive for years!

talk about counter productive, not even possible, and draining!

i never saw me with my needs as being such a drain with that being my hidden expectation but it was

and i journaled about it and i feel lighter just realizing that as my part of the problem in our ability to be a dynamic loving supportive team

i was trying to suck him dry adn then was hurt mad adn defensive b/c he waws not giving me the energy that i wanted to feel good!

so i have go tto do more yoga,,,that is such a great way for me to stay grounded (i am an air sign of libra) balanced and flowing with life energy...(kundilini?)[/QUOTE]



I love this...I forget all this stuff when I get caught up in life and feel everything is moving too fast. I start blaming him for my own chaos. Not fair at all.

Our past is really becoming our past, I'm not saying all the stuff I wrote about in "advice pls, angry man" is gone forever...I know it isn't that simple, but the calmer I am the calmer he is. We are both "owning our shit" We both want this to work and are doing our best. I still see that anger pop up in him sometimes but then I watch him take control and it disapates.

One of the anger management books he is reading had something interesting which I thought could relate to everyone;

When you loose your temper and tell people "ooo I REALLY lost it, I mean REALLY freaked" The author ( a therepist ) says " well did you slap the person, stab them and then throw them out of the window?" the person looks at him in shock and says of "course not". The therepsit says "well you didn't loose control then, very few people really loose total control, you can control yourself, you just have to decide how much."

I know we aren't all dealing with anger issues, but I thought it was an interesting point and can be used in relation to our partners....it's a decision we make, how we deal with everyone.

Lisa
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