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"New Mamas of Spirtual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call - Page 5

post #81 of 236
Thread Starter 
moma justice~ thank you for sharing that you put a picture of you dh on your altar, I was very touched by this and am going to put a pictures of dh and dd on mine today...

I also practice yoga and wouldnt want to live without it. Yoga helps keep centered, physically, emotionally and spiritually...as I write that I have tears in my eyes because I feel so drained and down on myself right now...when I loose my balance things get so out of whack and its hard to get back to center again.

There is so much I need to do to keep myself centered...also for Rayna and my dog, we are all very sensitive and then theres dh...what I do effects him and I feel a reasponsibility to help keep him centered.

dh is back but with the long days he puts in for work he is doing all he can do during the week and its me doing what feels like everything just like when he was deployed.



DD is very attached to me and sensitive so when I dont keep her on her routine its very hard on her...she wants to nurse every time she is upset or tired or hungry or just feels like it and many times I dont feel like nursing her and it causes frustration for all of us.

I have anger issues and so does dh. At times I can snap at dd...I feel so horrible about this and I can go for months without being mean to her but then when it happens its so hurtful to her and to me, I feel like complete crap for it but as much as I want to never snap at her I havent been able to 100% stop it from happening.

the way I was raised was very cold and harsh and I have come a long way from my parents ways but still that anger creeps up sometimes...I know where it comes from but I dont know how to stop it

thank u for reading...I feel relief getting this out.


blessings~~
post #82 of 236
i just wrote in a "how much can i expect from my toddler" thread

about loosing control of my anger

i feel you mystic momma, when you say that your parents anger issues creep into your life sometimes

how do you let that go?????

for my sister's and i it is always resurfacing...
right now my dad is fighting lung cancer and even though he may be dieing, we are each dealing with our past wounds with him again.

i have had great success releasing old hurt with yoga over the years...
infact one day when i was in a really deep space during a yoga session, i felt this crazy burning pain in my neck and head...adn then in almost a dream space, i had body memory of my dad really hitting me on the head hard....then i started shaking and crying and when i inhaled into that space of pain and then exhailed from that place of pain and tightness a few times and it went away

i mean it is gone, this past wound that i had been unknowingly carrying around for years just left my body
i released it

so that is my yoga story....
happy days to you ladies and surprise your dhs with a juicey kiss tonight....
post #83 of 236
Mystic MAma
"I have anger issues and so does dh. At times I can snap at dd...I feel so horrible about this and I can go for months without being mean to her but then when it happens its so hurtful to her and to me, I feel like complete crap for it but as much as I want to never snap at her I havent been able to 100% stop it from happening."



We all get to that point sometimes.
post #84 of 236
Thread Starter 
lisa,

what an amazing yoga experience!

I usually practice first thing in the a.m and it's about impossible to get really deeply into it unless dh is home and watching dd, even then she comes to me about everything anyway.

I havent put a lot of energy into healing from my childhood, not yet at least...there is quite a bit of it I dont remember. Ive been wondering if it would come back to me some time...I have developed my relationships with both my parents and found much healing there.

on a more postive note~

today went beautifully...dd had 2 meltdowns before 11 am, I know the time spent doing yoga helped so much in handling it. Feeling more like myself today

namaste'
post #85 of 236
Thread Starter 
how is everyone?

where else can I come with this but here.....I am so beyond frustrated with my husband

and I'm embarrassed to tell you all this but I know it is not me,; that doesnt make it not hurt though. I need to get this out...it feels hopeless with him sometimes. he doesnt talk to me hardly at all...I mean he tells me NOTHING about whats going on inside of him, he has opened up about twice in 4 years...he will hardly cuddle with me at night, like once every 2 weeks it seems like...he will let me cuddle him though (from the back)...he doesnt want to make love...its a battle to get him to talk about finances much less anything concerning our relationship...all day today he was so crappy We dont go anywhere together, he is depressed and negative and downright mean many times.

our third anniversary is tomorrow and neither of us have gotten anything for eachother or made any plans...the past few days he has called me names so many times, calls my music crappy, puts me down in every belief I have...he acts like I am gross and nasty even though when I ask him he says he doesnt...he calls me fat a@@ when you gets pissed and f'ing piece of sh*!

he is closed down more than ever

he says he loves me and does want to married to me but this is how he treats me??

my daughter yells, "PISS OFF!!!" all the time now because of him saying it to me so much...she almost said F off after hearing him say it yesterday

I want to live a different life than the one we have together, its not me! its totally different than it was when he was gone and honestly, I wish he was still away working somewhere when he is really being crappy.

I stay because of that hope of him choosing to treat me well...wanting my daughter to have her daddy...wanting/needing to be a stay home mama...partly scared to be a single mama and I do have love for him.

I really have been trying everything for our marriage but how much of this should I take before I know he will never change.

post #86 of 236
Oh Sarah.....I could have writen your post. It is such a roller coaster in my home.

I am so sorry... You are not alone. I totally understand how you feel
post #87 of 236
Thread Starter 
:

I'm sorry anglebee!

I feel like packing the car and just driving...
post #88 of 236


I am so sorry you are both going through his awful crap. The only way we got through this was by admitting there was a problem and going to counselling.

MMama, Liam was shouting all kinds of awful things untill recently, even the f word. He was telling me very firmly - at the supermarket, that " Mummy...we don't say f*@&." Now its not even mentioned.

Ranya will stop using the language soon.

I know I would be gone if it got nasty again, and so does he. I am NOT and never would hold this over him, but we now know our limits.

Look I could ramble on and on but probably wont help...

I'm here and listening, hope that helps ladies

Lisa
post #89 of 236
to MysticMama and AngelBee
post #90 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic~mama
:

I'm sorry anglebee!

I feel like packing the car and just driving...
I sometimes pretend I can just disappear...
post #91 of 236
Thread Starter 
ok, so I calmed down and the huz ends up saying he does love and does want to be together and acts nicer until dd pissed him off again so now he wants nothing to do with either of us.

dd constantly turns off his tv and says, no you may not then runs away oh that pisses him off!

I know I wont leave, not now, its not always this way...we have made improvements but the constant mood swings and his shutting me out gets unbearable at times and it comes out...

Anglebee,

pm me if u ever want to vent or just talk
post #92 of 236
Thread Starter 
bump
post #93 of 236
Thank you Sarah

I will email or pm you. Feel free to do the same.

Just checking in.....I started counciling last Wed. I;ve had two sessions so far.....really like her! I will be gone for a few days for nationals with the dance academy but will check in right when I get back!

Be good to yourselves! See you soon!
post #94 of 236
how is everybody? I have been thinking of this thread and I think I have come to a conclusion...

In order to be completely at peace we have to make sure our children are well. We may be able to meditate and learn how to calmly handle the difficulties with our spouses but the tension is still there. Children pick up on it. While it is important to respond reasonably and use kind words this doesn't mean we have to stay in a situation that puts our children's or our emotional well being at risk. What it means is making decisions that are the best for everyone involved and using the tools of meditation, yoga...all the things we learn along our path to do this in a peaceful and calm manner.

I am not saying everybody leave their spouses...just that if you decide that that is the best course of action for yours and your children's well being you can use what you have learned to help you and them through the transition.

Take care everybody...thoughts on this would be appreciated.
post #95 of 236
Thread Starter 
anglebee





blessings~~
post #96 of 236
Thread Starter 

relationship agreements

I was sent a copy of this (written by Ina Laughing Winds) , I found very insightful...something to work at

B]All relationships need the same time, energy, commitment, follow through and respect we give to our businesses. If we were to treat our spouses and lovers with the same respect we treat our business partners, our relationships would be more successful. Let us look at 5 agreements that would improve any relationship and are specific for a monogamous choice:

1. First Agreement: I will hold with intimacy, gather together with this man or woman, and care for one another, which kindles the Children's Fire. By not caring or not holding sacred, I will violate this law. If I harp on past issues, get concerned about the future, get into guilt / blame / shame, those are signals of danger that I'm hurting my own and my partner's Children's Fire, the soul or spirit of the individual. So if I continue with that energy, I'll stop caring, holding with intimacy, and I'll break the relationship contract. (This could be by having an affair).

2. Second Agreement: Each must accept the other as they are. This makes love an act of power. You cannot try to make anyone else change to suit your needs. If I cannot accept that my partner is never going to change in certain things, I shouldn't be with them in the first place. To make this agreement work, it necessitates opening all limitations and closed symbols. The partners then must become interdependent, not co-dependent. You must want your partner to have freedom and to grow, you will not stop them, and you will honor them in either case. It does not mean that you have to like it.

3. Third Agreement: Let go of the past completely. The past is brought up only with the Talking Stick (a specific method of communicating), when it is necessary to bring it into the now. There must not be any expectation that anything will change. We can look at the pattern to see if we may want to change it, or if we are ready to change it. If so, we work on it together. When this agreement is crossed, it definitely incurs karma. Remember, you can do nothing about the past but learn from it. If I can’t change it, all I can do then is to shift my attitude and let it go.

4. Fourth Agreement: Loyalty is the willingness to forgive each other’s transgressions because you have a mutual agreement to honor the Higher Self’s self-growth and development. The sanctity of a relationship can only be broken with the willful intent to hurt oneself or the other. In this agreement is the willingness to dance the Lover’s Mask mirrors. This means to be open sexually, intimately, with a sense of adventure with each other, to openly explore your sexuality with each other from the shy curious perspective of teach me, show me to the passionate seducer. No sexual limitations with your monogamous partner.

5. Fifth Agreement: the Integrity Clause is a necessity in your relationship based on the 5 Huaquas Wheel: health, hope, happiness, humor and harmony. It means that you will gather together, share with, care for and teach one another. It also means that if you have integrity, you must be willing to accept the other’s choices for growth and be able to hold up a clear mirror when your significant other is doing something that’s blocking their growth. That’s a clear mirror, not guilt, blame, shame, attacking or accusations. That means that you have a willingness to let your partner experience life. You may say “I think this can happen if you do this”, but you don’t try to stop them from doing it. You must let them be responsible for their own decisions and experience the consequences from them. And you need to stay in the center of your own circle as a warrior. A warrior is never at the effect of anyone, anytime, anyplace, any situation.

One of the biggest problems in monogamous relationships is when we find ourselves attracted to someone else. The desire to have an affair can be overwhelming and a very high percentage of couples "cheat" on their partners. So what do you do?

FIRST each partner agrees to go into a deep place of introspection to try to see the same mirror in their partner before jumping into an affair. Remember you have made a commitment to know your partner. This means to look deeply into their mirror to see the many faces of the one Goddess or God. To trust oneself is to have the wisdom and clarity to recognize that generally when you are considering an affair, you are actually afraid to look into your partner's reflection totally. It is safer to be with a different person than to go deeper with intimacy, to stand truly vulnerable or naked before each other in all your weaknesses and strengths.

There is an ILLUSION of SECURITY in a monogamous relationship. Security breeds complacency. Security is when one’s basic intent is to lock yourself and your partner into a way of being that will make you feel secure, now you can trust that you can be safe. Remember the only thing consistent in the universe is change and change is inevitable. Relationships stay healthy and vibrant when they are on the edge. You cannot work on a relationship, you can only work on yourself.


Monogamy is one of the most difficult and rewarding relationship choices to be in because you are getting all your needs met from one person. You are not repressing your needs emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually or sexually. You are speaking the unspeakable and asking for what you need and desire. When you give to your partner, you will also receive.[/B]


her site
post #97 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic~mama
Monogamy is one of the most difficult and rewarding relationship choices to be in because you are getting all your needs met from one person. You are not repressing your needs emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually or sexually. You are speaking the unspeakable and asking for what you need and desire. When you give to your partner, you will also receive.[/B][/FONT]

her site

I like this! off to check out her website! Thanks for posting it!
post #98 of 236
[QUOTE=allgirls]
In order to be completely at peace we have to make sure our children are well. We may be able to meditate and learn how to calmly handle the difficulties with our spouses but the tension is still there. Children pick up on it. While it is important to respond reasonably and use kind words this doesn't mean we have to stay in a situation that puts our children's or our emotional well being at risk. What it means is making decisions that are the best for everyone involved and using the tools of meditation, yoga...all the things we learn along our path to do this in a peaceful and calm manner. "

Totally agree with the above. Do we put up with little bits of stuff that we know is bad for our kids' mental well-being in order to stay with their father?
When it's good it's good but when it's bad it's bloody awful?

Is is more detremental to a child to be taken away from their father than to be subjected to some bad behaviour, ( not trying to justify anything, just trying to see it clearly - ish) This is the thing I'm trying to figure out.



"Monogamy is one of the most difficult and rewarding relationship choices to be in because you are getting all your needs met from one person. You are not repressing your needs emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually or sexually. You are speaking the unspeakable and asking for what you need and desire. When you give to your partner, you will also receive.[/B"

love this too, very true.
sorry typing with grumpy kids sitting on my head
post #99 of 236
People are not perfect.
How bad is the "bad behavior"?
If you're fighting in front of the children: stop. It has to be the number one rule.
If he refuses to stop then get out - because it is nothing short of child abuse.

Aside from abuse and infidelity - what warrents divorce?

If you are feeling like a victim than haven't you allowed yourself to feel that way? What is our part in the behavior?

I really really believe that when two people get married and then have children they should do every single thing they can to save thier marriage before they earn the right to a divorce (barring the above - and even sometimes with infidelity). The children deserve thier efforts. They deserve that thier parents figuer it out...hell, even act as if they are happy (because sometimes that does result in rekindling the friendship they once had), go away on an extended vacation together - hash it out, fight it out, save the marriage - do whatever it it takes.

I believe marriage is important.
post #100 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by loved
Aside from abuse and infidelity - what warrents divorce?
addiction...to anything...after a period of trying and not succeeding at healing I think you have to leave...
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