Whew! Thank you so much for your replies.
Ok, so here is where we have started.
Well, first wanted to agree that this isn't a Kailey "problem" but a family one, and YES I want her to grow up healthy, mature, self assured, and confident AND know how to deal, work through frustrating aituations without freaking out (me).
We have taught her inappropriate behaviors, and I KNOW they are not unchangeable, it is just going to take some time to change. They weren't learned overnight and aren't going to change overnight either.
Ok, so.... not only are we making all efforts to be respectful to each other in daily conversation (I am a royal bitch to Mark sometimes), but we are doing som elimination as well. Starting for two weeks we are taking out all fried, salted, sugared, and junk food. We are going back on our 8:45 pm bath and 9:30 pm bedtime, AND our 7:45 a.m. wake up times (last night and today went GREAT! because of it- she was her joyful laughing self this evening as we played butterfly balloons). We are also going to be eating earlier. I have made a schedule of come home, relax, get settled in, and start supper (Kailey will love to help). This evening she started screaming that she didn't like what I was cooking and wanted crackers. As usual Isaid we could have crackers when we finished dinner. She through the dining room chair. I got down on her level and said FIRMLY, "We DO NOT throw chairs when we are frustrated." We use our words. You can say, "mommy I am frustrated that I can't have crackers now." BUT you may not throw the chair". She got huffy but stopped. She tried to get yogurt right before we dished up dinner and started screaming, again I calmy said, "I hear your words Kailey, you want yogurt, so lets eat dinner so we can eat our yogurt." I avoided saying NO, and instead focused on what she could do. She still screamed and I said to her, "I'm sorry you are upset that you need to eat dinner before you get crackers, but I cannot stay in the kitchen if you are going to scream at me. Use your inside voice and I can talk to you." She calmed down and asked nicely for some water. I CHEERFULLY got her some.
Right now she and Mark are reading in bed and I am breathing a sigh of relief that we made it through today.
I reminded Mark (while Kailey was screaming) that if he felt frustrated (I could see it on his face) that he had the option of walking away and coming back when he felt more calm. I also made a real effort not to "protect" Kailey from him and trusted him to be appropriate, and he was. Ok, so I am like, a control freak
I know this is just the beginning and it is going to get worse before it gets better, in fact 5 days from now you should all be expecting a whopper of a post about a stressful ballistic day, and hopefully a note saying we made it thorugh that one, unscathed.
Thanks again ladies and I of course will keep you updated.
Oh, regarding therapy. Kailey gets medicaid, but we do not. I don't want to make this a kailey issue and I think it would if we went to a psychologist for her. I called her doctor and she suggested the things I have mentioned above. She also suggested not going anywhere while she is getting used to her routine, for at least the first two weeks, and i think that sounds fine.