Do we condition infants to want praise?

[HunnyBunnyMummy]

I've been reading the posts about alternatives to "Good Job," and am reading through Unconditional Parenting, and am now hypersensitive to how I am responding to my 6 month old. And based on what I see myself do, I think that I could already be "conditioning" (hate that word, but can't think of another) her to want praise.

For example, she is now getting very mobile. Just today she was sitting on the bed and reached very far for a piece of paper--and actually grabbed it! I was so flabbergasted by how far she could reach and her accuracy that I said: "Wow! You reached so far and grabbed that paper!" She looked up a bit surprised, but then smiled at me.

Now, she didn't seem to need my comment--she wasn't amazed at her reach, to her it just seemed natural. But I'm wondering if my comments like that will get her to always look for my approval when she does physical feats. Should I just not say anything unless she looks to me to share her joy? Or am I overanalyzing this?

[Dal]

I think we do, or at least that I do. And I haven't even been saying "Good job!" nor has anyone else who sees Simon often. I do a lot of the "You stacked your blocks!" When he was about 6-10 months, we would sometimes through a ball into a bin, flail my arms up in the air and say "Yay! Oh yeah! Score!" in a really silly and exaggerated voice. Usually it was me or dh who got the ball into the bin, so (for the most part) it wasn't even Simon who was being praised. I wasn't even really seeing this as praise. It's been awhile since we did this, and we didn't even do it all that often. Recently he has started raising his hands into the air in a victory gesture whenever he does something he is proud of; today he was proud of throwing a knife into the garbage. (It was a very, very blunt knife and I was watching very closely.) :LOL I think some things really stick with them and hit them on a deep level. I guess this gesture of excitement over an accomplishment is one of those things.

Another thing (just similar): We don't use the word "No" with Simon. When he was 9-11 months or so, I'd sometimes sort blocks onto coloured papers. I'd pick up a blue block and hold it over the yellow, green, and red papers and say "Does it go here? Nooooooo (in a really silly voice and while shaking my head back and forth." Then I'd put it in the right spot and say something like "The blue block goes here!" It was just a silly game. I thought I was helping him to learn colours and how to sort items. Maybe I was, but I doubt that. At about 1 he suddenly started joking around by shaking his head "Noooooo" in a really silly way with a huge smile on his face. The first time he used it he recreated the "psych!" joke. He was acting as though he was going to feed me, then at the last minute yanked the food away and started shaking his head with a ridiculously huge smile on his face. I know this isn't closely related at all, but it does show how some things REALLY stick in their minds and how much they get what certain things mean and that (e.g.) praise is praise and no is no (even if it's a positive variant of no).

Looking forward to reading other responses as I've been rethinking how we're currently doing things in light of the fact that Simon seems to be taking a lot of it as praise. He often looks to me when he does something new or that he takes to be neat to make sure that I've seen. Perhaps this is just normal. I do want to give it more thought though.

[mightymoo]

I am too tired at the moment to type up my whole thoughts, but I wanted to add this - I don't think showing our excitement at something the child does is the same thing as praise. Praise in my mind implies motive to manipulate - if you are genuinely excited your child reached for something, then I think it only makes sense to share that excitement with your child. Similarly, if you are upset by something your child does, letting them see that it upset you (whatever the emotion is - sad, angry, frustrated) is not the same as punishing them for it.

[srain]

This reminds me of something I've been thinking about regarding praise- one reason many of us have for avoiding praise is to reduce the value judgments we force onto our kids, so they can form their own values. But even if we acknowledge what they've done with just a statement (i.e. "you caught the ball;" "Mary liked it when you gave her the toy") it is perfectly clear from our tone, body language, etc. what we think about what they did. So I wonder sometimes whether it really has any different effect than "good job" would.

Anyway- just musing-

[Piglet68]

Originally Posted by mightymoo

I don't think showing our excitement at something the child does is the same thing as praise. Praise in my mind implies motive to manipulate - if you are genuinely excited your child reached for something, then I think it only makes sense to share that excitement with your child.

ITA

[Dal]

I agree with srain. That's what I've been wondering about lately, though I haven't been able to state my concern as well as she did.