parenting question for a friend

[AdoptChina]

I was talking to my friend today,....she has a 17 mth old son. She was saying that they are having problems anytime they get together with another friend to play. Apparently her son keeps hitting, pushing etc the other child (this happens with different children, not just one). She said she has been putting him in time outs and he sits there but as soon as he gets up he is right back at it again.....sooooo, Id like to get some recommendations here on how she can handle this?
(I dont use time outs with my toddler, and they obviously arent working for hers so I need some other things to suggest to her)

[lunamomma]

Does she model a quite voice and maybe say the words gentle and show him how to be gentle like taking a toy gently and sharing a toy. My youngest is in that phase where he isn't old enough to really understand that he is hurting, but I say try to use words that are easy to understand, like "Hitting Hurts!" I don't use timeout either in teh traditional sense, but with both children I get them to take a break if I think they need one and now my oldest tells me when he needs a break.
Hope this helps....

[lilyka]

he is still very young. She needs to be right there to A) stop the hitting. be closeenough and atentive enough to stop his hand mid swing and B) coach him in social interaction. help him find way to solve the problems without hitting. it is hard for baby and will take al ot of time and focus from her. She needs to accept she has a physically expressive toddler (my middle one was like this) and that play groups and baby social things are not times when she can sit back and relax and socialize. that she need to be on her toes proactively teaching her baby not to hit when he gets frustrated bored or whartever leads him to hit. Time outs at thios age will do very little I think. And that is comeing from someone who believes time outs have thier place. bUt not on such a young baby in this situation. right now the teaching what to do is key. baby's don't come with a social graces handbook. they need to be taught. And teaching sucks because it is not fuyn. we want to have coffee with our friends not be totally focused on teachign our children during ap laydate but until he knows better what to do and how to handle himself she needs to be there to coach, advocate, communicate with and on behalf of him and mak sure he gets more than what not to do and more than modeling but proactive teaching and interacting to prevent the problem fromt he very core.

[Piglet68]

I absolutely agree with lilyka.

(except the part about timeouts have their place )

[SagMom]

Is the hitting/pushing in response to something? If your friend's child is not reacting to anything and just hitting/pushing for fun, the mom could re-direct her son to something that's okay to hit/push. Maybe kick a ball around? Push a wagon or truck? Bang on something with a toy hammer?

If he's responding to something--for instance, the other child has a toy he wants--then I agree that Mom needs to be right there to help with any squabbles. Assuming that the child is pre-verbal, this is such a frustrating time for them. They KNOW what they want, but have no words with which to express themselvs, so the physical reaction is what comes out. You can gently stop them from hurting others, and of course, model more acceptable behavior but until they're speaking, there isn't a whole lot else you can do.

[mamazee]

My daughter was a hitter and pusher in a big way, and I agree with lilyka (like Piglet except for the time outs). Kids outgrow this stage and just need to be watched so the other children around them can be protected.

[AdoptChina]

thanks for the replies


these are all things that I would do for my child.....but I think she and I approach things differently. In her defense, it is her first child and she is learning as she goes I'll suggest some of these ideas to her and see if any sound like something she wants to try

Re-direction has been the best thing for my toddler (if I gave him a time out he would look at me like I was crazy lol)