small vent, or, "What NOT to say to someone planning a homebirth"

[famousmockngbrd]

I am fortunate enough to know a lot of people who have had homebirths, which is great. I actually have quite a bit of support IRL for my choice to have a homebirth, I am not "the freak who's having a homebirth" or anything. Which I think is why when I *do* come across this mindset, it bothers me even more because I haven't developed a thick skin against it.

Lately, this type of conversation has been happening a lot, since I am clearly due at any time.
Random Person: So what hospital are you going to?
Me: I'm not, I'm having the baby at home.
RP: You're kidding!
Me: No.
RP: Well, good luck! (said in a tone to imply that I am obviously insane)

Here are some variations on the last statement:
Well, you're a brave woman! (said in same tone)
I could never do that, I'd be terrified something would go wrong!
That's not for me - give me drugs, any day!

Etc., etc. Why in the world would you say something like that to someone who is clearly going to give birth in a few weeks?? Even my own mother, who has been supportive of our choice to have the baby at home - well, at least she has not been vocally unsupportive - told me the other day about a conversation she had with her friend the other day, and how her friend basically said I was nuts, and my mom said she and my MIL are very worried! Look, Mom, if you managed to keep this information to yourself for the past 6 months I see no reason to tell me now, 3 weeks before the baby is due to be born.

OK. Thanks for letting me vent.

[mom2threenurslings]

to you!!!

I think one of the big things is that most people don't realize that with a healthy pregnancy, home can be the SAFEST place to birth and that midwives are trained to handle emergencies.

My grandmother has questioned me about my sanity / the safety of homebirth. She had no idea that CNMs carry oxygen with them as well as medications, can write prescriptions, and are usually MORE highly trained than OB/GYNs. Every time I see her she has more questions.

My mom, a couple years ago, made a comment that if I chose to have a homebirth there was NO WAY she would be there. After reading through lots of info I gave her on homebirth she's come around and will be attending the birth. I did mention to everyone invited to the birth that I will kick out anyone I get a negative vibe from!

Strangers always raise their eyebrows and look at me like I'm crazy ... or make one comment or another. I usually just smile big and say, "Oh, I wouldn't think of having my baby anywhere else...home is the safest place I could possibly give birth!" and to those who claim I'm being irresponsible, I might continue with something like, "You should read about all the horrible things that could happen in a hospital - and just think of all the things the baby or myself could catch from being in such an environment! I've read too many studies saying that home is safest to consider doing anything else unless there's an emergency." I am armed with info and can respond to most questions that people have about homebirth safety. I actually don't mind people making comments...maybe I can educate them a little. Plus, in answering their comments (no matter how nasty), I'm reaffirming my belief in homebirth, in my body's ability to birth, and convincing myself even further that I've made the right choice.

Wishing you a peaceful, gentle birth!

[~Megan~]

This one is actually funny.

My sil said to me last week, "Are you sure you want to have a homebirth?" I told her yes and asked why. She said her friend was planning a homebirth and didn't realize that she was as far along in her labor as she was so she hadn't called the midwife. She did call her husband but told him not to come home yet, he ignored her and came anyway. He got there just in time to see her pushing on the bathroom floor.

I asked my sil, "So how would that have differed if she was planning a hospital birth? She still would have delivered at home because she thought she wasn't as far into labor as she was."

She admitted I was right.

I just thought the whole exchange was funny.

[PancakeGoddess]

Sometimes people can be, in the new favorite words of my 10yo, "so thick."

I just tell people "I prefer not to have my labor and birth in the company of strangers. I prefer to know who will attend my birth." Obviously this is one of many reasons i birth at home, but this is one of the most straightforward responses I can think of, and such a no-brainer - who wants total strangers around during the most intimate, amazing days of your life? strangers who could be serious assholes for all we know! who takes that kind of RISK?

[famousmockngbrd]

Thanks for the supportive posts, mamas.

I never feel like getting into it with most people - generally I feel like it's a waste of time, so I mostly just smile and shrug and change the subject. I really should use the opportunity to advocate for homebirths but I guess I figure I'm not going to change most people's minds so why bother, let them think what they want. The exception to this is people I care about and am close to, like my Mom, who I have had extensive conversations with about homebirth and I *thought* was onboard with the idea. I was really surprised to hear her say she was worried about it. But I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and just assume it's a "Mom thing".

I did have a really cool encounter a few weeks ago at the grocery store, though - the checkout girl asked me where I was delivering and when I told her at home, her eyes got kind of big but before she could say anything, the woman in front of me jumped in and said, "That's great! I had my last baby at home, after two cesareans! What a wonderful, empowering experience!" I could have kissed her, we ended up talking about birth and babies for 15 minutes, lol.

[camprunner]

My mother made a big deal about our planning a homebirth in front of her BIL and his wife. They both thought it was wonderful. I guess that wasn't the reaction she wanted because the next statement out of her mouth was that dh would be delivering the baby. I was quick to correct her saying we had a midwife. She said "Well if the midwife doesn't make it, then he'll be delivering the baby!" Ummm we were 1 hour and 15 min. from the hospital last time and this time our midwife lives 45 min. from us. I don't think she's going to be late and miss it but if she does, I don't think that anything different would happen if we had a hospital birth. We've since cut communication with my mother. I haven't told anyone else about it yet but then I''m not even close to showing either.

[edamommy]

I'm sure your mother told you that because SHE WAS VERY WORRIED! And, I would let a dear friend of mine know how I felt about it too, if I was worried (which I would be, jmo)! BUT- to say something like that to a perfect stranger is quite rude!

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by edamommy

I'm sure your mother told you that because SHE WAS VERY WORRIED! And, I would let a dear friend of mine know how I felt about it too, if I was worried (which I would be, jmo)! BUT- to say something like that to a perfect stranger is quite rude!

I disagree. I had a dear friend who was having her third scheduled c-section in the hospital. I was very very worried about her but I did not once say anything to her about it. I did not feel there was anything I could say to improve the situation and I don't believe there is anything anyone could say to any of us here to change our minds. I have not at all appreciated my mother's comments either.

[arimama]

During my last pregnancy my dad harrassed me about my homebirth plans all the time.
He would tell me "facts" that he found on the internet. Like %50 of babies die during homebirths!
He would also question how I knew my midwife had even attended a birth before. HUH?
He said I would hemmorage and die within seconds.
He told me about a lady that he supposedly worked with who had a HB and she said it was the worst mistake of her life and the pain was horrific and on and on...
He was really full of crap. The things he said were really amazingly dumb.

[AveryLauren's_mama]

I usually respond to the "You are so brave to have a homebirth" by saying, "Really? I think women who have their babies in the hospital are brave!" (I had a hospital birth with my first, so I can speak from experience.) If they ask why or are curious why I feel that way, I share with them the risks of hospital birth. I tell them that it is true that there is a small risk that something could go wrong during a homebirth, but an experienced and well-trained Midwife will see red flags in advance and you will have time to transfer to the hospital. The risks of a hospital birth are (in my opinion) much greater.... longer, harder labor (for countless reasons, including giving birth in front of strangers, in a cold, unrelaxed environment); unneccessary interventions; higher risk of c-section; higher probability of medicated birth for mom and baby (not as safe as natural birth); risk of infections; the list goes on and on....

It is crazy to me that people think homebirth is "crazy" or "risky". I hope that we see a paradigm shift in our lifetime and that homebirth becomes a more accepted option. The medical establishment has screwed up childbirth.... It has taken away a sacred, rite of passage for women and turned it into a scary, medicalized procedure that happens to women. And most of our society is convinced that we need this medical establishment to save the lives of moms and babies! Why can't we just trust women to listen to their bodies and birth their babies the way they were meant to???

Kim

[heldt123]

Originally Posted by camprunner

I disagree. I had a dear friend who was having her third scheduled c-section in the hospital. I was very very worried about her but I did not once say anything to her about it. I did not feel there was anything I could say to improve the situation and I don't believe there is anything anyone could say to any of us here to change our minds. I have not at all appreciated my mother's comments either.

You are right, it is hard sometimes to know what and when to say or not say something. A relative of mine is due about a week or two before I am and excitedly told me a while back how well she liked her doctor and how great everything was going. I just didn't have the heart to tell her how much I would like to break that "great" doctor's arm (same one that cut up my crotch during first delivery)! I mean, she's not into natural/alternative stuff and wants to deliver in the same hospital as her mom did, etc, etc...would it have really been to anyone's benefit to say anything? Most likely not. I agree with the OP, people should keep their comments to themselves for the most part when someone has clearly made up their mind.

[kiahnsmum]

I had my dd at home, kind of didnt plan it that way but thats how it happened and it was awesome (my midwife didnt even get there on time). When we told people of dd's suprise arrival a lot of them responded sympathetically like "you poor thing". If theres a number 3 I cant wait to see their faces when i tell them it will be a "planned" homebirth.

[sbgquilt]

People try to put their fears on you b/c in general we are taught that birth is scary. These kind of comments were hard for me in teh beginning of my pregnancy but by the 3rd trimeseter, didn't phase me one bit. DD was born at home 6 weeks ago and all was wonderful.

[Breathless Wonder]

I think that sometimes people feel the need to say something, because, well, it's culturally expected. They aren't necessarily trying to offend you. In fact, they probably think the quotes in the OP are fairly neutral, and NON-offensive. Particularly if they are having a strong emotional reaction. Read those lines as, "I'm afraid of giving birth naturally." They don't want to encourage you, by saying something like "good luck" or "that's great"- maybe because they see what you are doing as folly, maybe because of their own hang ups about birth in general, or their own birth experiences. They don't want to ask questions because they really aren't interested in hearing the answers, for whatever reason. And they don't want to just blurt out "I think you are a stupid git who is endangering your life, and your baby's life", followed by all of the horrible things that will happen to you and the baby (though some people feel free to just launch full scale into the assualt, friend or stranger- those are the ones, IME, that are SO terrified of birth, they just can't see straight).

So they try to be political. It doesn't really help though, does it? :LOL

On an ironic side note, I find myself behaving much the same way, when I see or hear about someone doing something that causes me to scream inside my own head: "OMG! Is there ANYTHING between their ears?!?!?!"

[applejuice]

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd

Why in the world would you say something like that to someone who is clearly going to give birth in a few weeks?? .

Because on a very real level, most people do not care.

That is why I never really told anyone myself. I really did not care what they thought about my decision to have my baby at home. It is my baby, my body, my bill, not theirs, so why share such private information with anyone??

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by applejuice

It is my baby, my body, my bill, not theirs, so why share such private information with anyone??

Believe me, I do not go around advertising it. I only tell people I am having a homebirth when they ask me flat out where I will be delivering the baby, as in what hospital. I guess I could lie. But I don't like to lie in general and who knows, maybe one day I will run across that one person who thinks, "Hey, that's cool, I never considered that as an option" and maybe someday she will have her own homebirth.

Originally Posted by Breathless Wonder

"I think you are a stupid git who is endangering your life, and your baby's life"

They might as well say this, because that's how I take it! I'm probably overreacting a little.

[ma23qtz@home]

I told everyone of my friends, most commented about not ever wanting to give birth without drugs. It just made me sad for them. The funniest comments came from my mom, grandma and sister in regards to us having a water birth. Questions like "How is the baby going to breath underwater" - or "How are you going to give birth in your bathing suit?" heehee

[Greaseball]

Well, if it's any comfort, you would probably get all sorts of stupid comments no matter where you planned to give birth. People just like to give stupid birth advice to pregnant women.

You could be planning an induced hospital epidural birth and some lame-o would still have some "advice" and "questions" for you...

[girlndocs]

Originally Posted by edamommy

I'm sure your mother told you that because SHE WAS VERY WORRIED!

Yeah, but it's not her problem her mother is ignorant and she shouldn't have to put up with crap for it.

[Rach]

{hugs}
In my case, my family is not supportive, since they seem to think a midwife is just some coocoo woman that knows nothing. My MIL is not really supportive [we haven't told her yet] since I had so many complications with my first.

Just know that here, we are supportive, and we dont' think you're crazy at all!