small vent, or, "What NOT to say to someone planning a homebirth" - Page 2

[sbm1001]

Sorry you're catching flack from others who don't know what they're talking about. Ignorant people, though they're sometimes even amongst our well-meaning family members, can be irritating at the very least. It's not very considerate for someone to try to make you feel like you made the wrong decision....it's not even their business, really.

My mom is not vocally unsupportive to my face but I know she's said things to my siblings about "I have X amount of time left to talk her out of it". Then she drops in little seeds of doubt here & there with my dh. She tries to talk me out of it through him because she knows this is something I'm not changing my mind about. I've decided I don't want anyone there who isn't 100% supportive & respectful of the home birth process so I'll be laboring with my dh & having my midwife & her assistant waiting in the wings.

For the most part I've had incredibly accepting responses to my choice. Most of the women I've talked with about it have known someone who's had a positive home birth, so I think that makes a big difference. Though there was one lady who asked me who my dr was & I told her I wasn't using an OB but a midwife.....she'd never heard of a midwife or even knew that home birth was an option. I spent the next 20 min. or so explaining what it was & why it was better than her idea. She'd already decided she wanted a c/s (first time mom,too) because she thought that'd be less painful. She was soooo naieve & had no clue about anything to do with birth. It was a great conversation & I felt like I may have planted a seed with her, but sad at the same time because she was so clueless & trusting of her dr.

Wishing you a wonderful birth experience, famous.

Shannon

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by sbm1001

Wishing you a wonderful birth experience, famous.

Thank you!

[lmonter]

You could always try this...

Random Person: So what hospital are you going to?
You: [your last name or whatever] General.
Random Person: I've never hear of that hospital, where is it?
You: It's here in town, but it's a very small and private health care center that we just *love*. (assuming you like your home)



Lanna

[ilovebeingamom]

I think as you get closer to your due date, you get a little more sensitive about the comments as well. And it all depends on who is giving them. I was purposely trying to avoid talking to my mother about it, and one day for some unknown reason dh decided to call her. I walked in and he said, "oh, would you like to talk to your mom?" I should have said no, but I chickened out and talked to her. The one comment that she made that stuck with me and took me days to shake was "well you know ANYTHING could happen." I could have killed dh, seriously.

I didn't say much then, but I did give her an earful after the baby came about how ignorant that comment was.

[Wugmama]

One's own perspective

I found the OP's comments so ironic because seriously minutes before I read her post, I got an email back from a girlfriend who heard I was having a homebirth. She said, "I was never given that option and I would be chicken to do it (have a HB). Good for you, though". I thanked her for her support! I didn't see her saying she would be afraid of doing it to mean she thought I shouldn't.

In the current American birth culture, I don't blame people for being afraid of birth. It just makes me sad.

[Raven]

When people said, "You're brave" after finding out I was planning a hb I just replied, "actually I think YOU"RE brave for wanting to birth in a hospital" which usually sparks off an interesting conversation. I have informed a lot of people about the benefits of hb in this way.

[mamabbbg?]

I agree, I don't talk much about my private life with people I think have totally different opinions anyway. I just don't want their negative attitudes around me at all. Although those I've told have so far all been supportive (at least on the surface:-). I had to go to a neighbors (to use her FAX) as I was having trouble faxing my birth pool information and I told her and she said, "How cool!"

[Parthenia]

I'm so sick of the "you must be crazy" looks. I don't get them very often, homebirths are popular around my circles. But the ones I do get stick in my head. I got this comment from a woman at work. "When you told me you were planning ahomebirth, I didn't want to say this, but I know many women who would have died or their babies would have died if they had given birth at home."
She just had a baby at a hospital a few days ago, but she made the comment after my dd was born. There was a tinge of insult to it, I thought, like I was crazy or irresponsible. I basically told her I was more comfortable and felt safer in my own home, and I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy, and the I'm not most women, I'm just me. Then I added, "it's important to have your baby where you feel the safest and most comfortable, and that place is different for everyone."

But the comment still bugs me. From now on, when people say where they had their baby after I've outed myself as a homebirthing nut, if they say it's a hospital and there were no complications in pregnancy and it wasn't an emergency, I say "wow, you're brave!" If they need clarification, I tell them my genuine fear of having a baby in a hospital, and some of the things I didn't like about having my first dd in a hospital (I actually had a very positive birth experience, thanks to a wonderful cnm, but I couldn't wait to leave, and felt like what they did for me in the hospital we could have done at home.)

[raspberrymoondoula]

i had my last son at home and was lucky to really have a lot of support. the funniest comment i ever heard tho was "you cant have a water birt,h if the water is too warm the amniotic fluid will boil!!" ::sigh::

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by camprunner

. She said "Well if the midwife doesn't make it, then he'll be delivering the baby!"

Sweetie, not to nitpick, but whoever happens to be present at the birth of your baby, *you* will be the one delivering. Other people might catch the baby, or support you and guide you during labor and delivery, but you are the one actually doing it.

[MamanFrancaise]

Just today someone said "I hope mothers who chose to have a homebirth realize what risk they're putting their babies at." :

Whatever you ignorant .

[Taedareth]

I'm only 3 months along - would you gals say that the "advice" gets more prolific the farther along you are? I don't even look pregnant yet, so only our friends and family know. No strangers are approaching me in the supermarket yet.

However, so far everyone in our families seem supportive of a home birth. I couldn't believe it - my dad is so cool. When I told him we're having a home birth he got excited and asked if it's going to be a waterbirth. LOL I had no idea he'd even heard of waterbirth. :LOL

[famousmockngbrd]

There is this weird phenomenon where the more pregnant you look, the more total strangers feel justified in giving you advice, rubbing your belly, asking you personal questions, etc. It's like you become public property.

[ZeldasMom]

When they say something really extreme (my sister's boyfriend's step-dad, Knut, who has no children, said I wasn't thinking about the well-being of the baby). I said as earnestly and void of sarcasm as possible, "So Knut, you are basing this opinion on extensive experience, knowledge,and research about birth?"Then I smiled a little bit to let him off the hook. This shut him up. Jerk.

I try to act as unperterbed by negative comments as possible and act like I don't perceive what they are saying as a negative judgement (I find playing a little dumb at times to be an essential social skill). I talk about how I view home birth as the rolls royce of health care, how hospital births are managed to provide care for large populations of people and aren't necessarily evidence-based and individualized to best meet the needs of each woman. I give the example of EFM and how it doesn't improve birth outcomes, but that it does allow more women's laboring to be monitored with fewer staff.

When people just don't get why anyone would want HB, I sometimes use Ina May's example of imagine taking the biggest poop of your life. Would you want to do it in privacy with the door locked, or in a room with bright lights with a bunch of strangers yelling at you about how to do it? In this same vein I also talk about how animals seek out a quiet, dark place to birth and that people often have this same instinct when supported in their choices.

I also talk about how the hospital environment itself can cause distress, and that a lot of the suffering people go through in labor is actually cuased by this . I have some personal examples of this.

As you may have guessed, I actually like talking about this stuff with people, so I go ahead and do it. I don't think you should feel compelled to be the poster child for HB though. I think pregnancy is a time to be really selfish and do what's best for you. You can worry about advocacy later if that's something you want to do! Also, you don't have to tell the lady behind you in line at the grocery store the truth about where you're giving birth imo if you don't want too. As pp have said, a lot of times people are just making conversation and they don't really care.

[tinyscrafts]

sharing dumb stories,,,,
one of my best friends (male) actually asked me " So the midwife brings stirrups to your house?" ok dude. whatever

If you're lucky you can find a homebirth support group. i know there's one in North Dallas TX called HAND
and I started HAMS In LA and Orange co. CA www.groups.yahoo.com/groups/hamsgroup

[gonnabeamom]

I'm only 17 weeks so I'm expecting to run into this a lot more as I go along. Right now I'm vibing people out and only telling those I suspect will be sympathetic. DH after his first nasty encounter with a colleague who thought we were crazy for doing homebirth settled on "The hospital closest to us is ___" Which is true, but doesn't mean we've got any intention of going there.

I'd also suggest turning it around with strangers. Especially women (I don't think men tend to ask) Where did you deliver? Were the nurses good to you? Did you like the doc?

Or working up a flippant response: Did you want to meet me there? We haven't decided we're still waiting for bids. Excuse me I have to go to the bathroom.

The funny thing is this weekend I met a bunch of new people, and one told me her birth stories, one induction with pitocin and a labor so abrupt and dramatic, that with the second kid she didn't know she was in labor and delivered the second at home with the paramedics and the fire fighters there, then they took her into the hospital. Oddly enough this was a story that didn't change her view about hospital or homebirth. To me it totally validated my feelings about homebirth, the only thing wrong with her second birth in my mind was the part where they rushed her to the hospital. When she asked who was taking care of me I said "Midwives actually" and I got the tone right because she abruptly changed the subject.

Another women I met that weekend, I could tell would be sympathetic, so I told her, and she told me how lucky I was because she'd had to have two C-sections due to have a misshapen pelvis, and how she'd felt totally harrased at the hospital. By most people's lights the first women didn't need the hospital at all, and the second one would have had to be transfered if she'd birth at home, but look at who supports HB and who thinks you need a hospital.