Help a Mama learn to GD!

[SunShineSally]

Hello!

I know that my Ds is still young almost 14 mo. but I know he understands me! I tell him no I know I shouldn't, what else do should I say to him? He laughs at me like big belly laughs. Then I yell and feel so terrible after How do I start to change these things? I do not want yelling to become a habbit. I hate yelling doing it or hearing it. I almost want to cry after I yell (sounds corny I know) and today I yelled so much he would not listen and I was getting so stressed out. How can I help him to listen? He knows what he should and should not do, touch and play with but he always does.
What should I do can you Mamas help me!!?? I think I know what GD means, but can someone give me a quick run down? I want to but I am lost! and getting so extreamly stressed out. I do not want to be the crabby Mama no one likes

Please help me and TIA
Karen and Baby Joe

[cmb123]

One thing I would suggest is making his environment a "YES" environment. Take a look around your home, where he is the most, and put up or away any of the things that you don't want him touching/playing with. Set the place up so he can explore without boundaries. Before you say..."there is no way I can put away xyz" let me just say.."yes you can" think outside the box. Yes, your living area may look more like a daycare than a grown up's house, but I promise you that this act alone will cut down soooo much on your getting upset and yelling at him, it will be well worth it!!!!!
You'll get your house back sooner or later (they grow fast these kiddos!).

[Silliest]

Originally Posted by cmb123

Before you say..."there is no way I can put away xyz" let me just say.."yes you can" think outside the box. Yes, your living area may look more like a daycare than a grown up's house, but I promise you that this act alone will cut down soooo much on your getting upset and yelling at him, it will be well worth it!!!!!

Okay, I'm not arguing with the idea. Putting away/blocking off those items and areas that the child isn't allowed to touch *is* a major stress reducer.

So is re-assessing what you do and don't allow them to play with.
My 2 year old is currently playing with the contents of the silverware drawer (nothing sharp). Her dad would've pitched a fit because they are "not toys". Sure it means they'll have to be washed again, but so what? Sometimes re-defining "toy" is also useful. Of course if she wants to teethe on an electrical cable, a re-definition is probably *not* in order! <LOL!>



Please bear in mind when advising others, though that you have *no* idea what their living situation is like, and while you're thinking that someone is just not "thinking outside the box", and maybe being stubborn about putting away their ceramic bird collection or something... that person may excel at thinking creatively and have *real* limitations due to a very inflexible living situation.

Rental properties often have hazards that a resident is not allowed to do anything about. Even owning a home can be difficult. You may have to choose between living with existing hazards, or if you're *lucky* and have money to fix things, living with renovation-zone hazards for a period of time. And that's if you can even figure out *how* to correct the hazard.

I've been a mom for almost 5 years, and I *still* don't live in an environment that can be adequately childproofed. Every move has been a step toward that goal, but it's still far more involved than just thinking outside the box.

I know you meant well, but after some of the things I've had to invent to keep my kids safe, I'd have felt very patronized by " "yes you can" think outside the box". That may reflect your experience, but it's not necessarily applicable to others.

[SunShineSally]

Hello!

Yeah my home is VERY hard to childproof! we have stairs in the weirdest places and you can not use a gate so I have the playpen and pack and play blocking off the ones in the family room, and the kitchen well lets just say there is nothing I can put in front of the stairs. so he has to be in the high chair when I cook and clean. Last night after my post I did some more major rearangeing in the Family room and now he is not allowed in the living room until I can figure something else out in there. I will need to fid a place to store the coffee table becuse he loves climbing on it now he is so pround when he gets on top of it :LOL

He is also getting in to the hitting stage and pushing stage I have a nephew his age so he is always pushing him I know it is normal for them to go through these things and I keep telling that to myself but when I see Drew screaming because Joe hurt him it is so hard to truely realize it at the time. What should I do in that case? How can I redirect a almost 14 month old with out no (and that does not work :LOL ) I hate sounding so negative

Thanks again for your replies I am going to do somemore rearanging when I sign off line to help keep it a more postive enviroment I am a positive person that is why this is bothering me so much.

Karen and Baby Joe

[mz_libbie22]

Yeah, I remember in my last apartment there were stairs (going down) that I TRIED to baby proof with gates but couldn't find any that worked. So I put his big play pen in front of them which did block them, then I got really sick of having to deal with this thing every time I needed to get to the front door that I figured it was easier to just keep a close eye on him when he was playing on the floor. :LOL I can't imagine yelling at a 14 month old, why don't you just go over to him and get him away from whatever it is you don't want him by? I think you would get less frustrated if you had reasonable expectations of his behavior.

[kavamamakava]

Now that I've read your 2nd post, I have some ideas. No is a boring word. It doesn't explain what you are saying No about. Make sure you tack on a simple explanation like, "No hitting" or "Not for baby."
Why can't he climb the coffee table? I guess I'm one of those lazy moms who lets her kids climb coffee tables and jump on couches. It's more fun than those hunks of plastic they make for toddlers with a slide that is too short to be any fun. I also let the silverware drawer and the pots and pans cupboard remain available. Stacking cans is another fun option. It only takes a few seconds to put it all back. And then you get into the habit of rinsing your pots before you cook with them. When I only had one kid and I had more available space in my kitchen, I actually a few toys in one of the kitchen cabinets. He would climb in there with them. I always kept it random so there were different toys there all the time and he didn't get bored. This entertained my son immensely.

As you have discovered, he's not learning a darn thing from your yelling and you're feeling bad too. Or maybe he's learning that mommy gets loud and sounds funny sometimes. Try lowering your voice instead of raising it when you get that urge to yell. My sister taught me that You can even growl if you want. It just doesn't come out very loud. He's at that curious and unstoppable age where redirection is about the only way to get them to stop something. He'll learn eventually. It's pretty exhausting following them around.

To me, GD isn't the absence of spanking or crafting punishments, it's a paradigm shift. I think of it as being empathetic and in the moment with your child so you can gently guide and teach rather than rushing in when things are wrong and punishing for wrongdoings.

[cmb123]

Originally Posted by Silliest

Please bear in mind when advising others, though that you have *no* idea what their living situation is like..

True, that's why I started my post with.."one (1) SUGGESTION..." The Original Post did not include any of the details that the poster included in her second post. It was pretty general, and so was my responce.

Originally Posted by Silliest

I know you meant well, but after some of the things I've had to invent to keep my kids safe, I'd have felt very patronized by " "yes you can" think outside the box". That may reflect your experience, but it's not necessarily applicable to others.

Well, for one thing you weren't the one asking the question. Second, the original post didnt' say anything about her living arrangements, etc... so I offered ONE SUGGESTION to help cut down on yelling and no-ing a toddler that does happen to work for MANY people. ONE SUGGESTION isn't going to work for every single person who reads this thread. That's the beauty of having such a large board..you can take what DOES work for you, and leave the rest behind.
No need to patronize posters who's ideas don't work for you.

[maxwill129]

Originally Posted by kavamamakava

Why can't he climb the coffee table? I guess I'm one of those lazy moms who lets her kids climb coffee tables and jump on couches. It's more fun than those hunks of plastic they make for toddlers with a slide that is too short to be any fun. I also let the silverware drawer and the pots and pans cupboard remain available. Stacking cans is another fun option. It only takes a few seconds to put it all back. And then you get into the habit of rinsing your pots before you cook with them.

I agree that sometimes things aren't worth telling a kid "no" over. My ds is 2.5 and we just started using GD with him about a month ago, and although we still get back in that old habit of yelling and time outs, I have seen a tremendous improvement in my child (and in my dh and me). Is there a book shelf in your living room that you can put some of his books on? Is there an old crib mattress he can jump on? If you have to do work in the kitchen a suggestion I have instead of putting him in the high chair (unless that's the safest place for him to be) is to put together a "kitchen basket" for him. Fill a basket with special toys/books/art material that he can have just for when you're doing kitchen work. Also, whatever room I'm in, I alway invite my ds to be in that room with me and I gather up some of his toys so he can be close by. I feel like he likes his alone time sometimes, but most of the time he just needs to be by me.

I also just want to encourage you to do as much physical redirection (not physical in a mean sense) as you can. If your child is doing something he shouldn't be doing, take him by the hand and bring him over to the blocks, sit down with him and build. You may be doing this already, but if you aren't, it's a suggestion. In my case I realized that I wasn't getting off my butt to redirect my child, I was just telling him what to do from my chair, the kitchen, etc. I use the phrases "Max's work", "Mommy's work", "Daddy's work" for our things. I feel like it places importance on his toys. Instead of telling him to go play, I ask him to please find some work to do. If he's touching something of mine that I dont' want him to, I will tell him that that's "Mommy's work" and he needs to find "Max's work". I also have some of my things and my dh's things that are okay for him to play with, just so not everything is off limits.

I hope this helps a little. You can do it. It's hard to get going on the right track once you've started the "No's" and the yelling (trust me, I was a HUGE yeller), but it's possible. Just remember that you're not going to change overnight, as much as you want to. Just start working on one change at a time. I promise you, you will see a huge difference in your child and in your attitude!

Good luck, Mama!

Shannon

[AngelBee]

:

[cjr]

If he wants to climb then take the cusions off the couch and lay them directly in front of the couch. This was the ticket with ds. He can climb onto the cusions, then onto the couch and then he falls down onto the cusions and does it again and again. He loves it and it really gets the climbing bug out of his system.

What seems to work well with ds is that when he gets into a cubbord that I don't want him into, I redirect him. We keep the cd's in a low cubbord. Ds goes into the cubbord and gets the cd's. He's proud. So I tell him we should put the cd's back and make a big deal about how he's helping. Then, I take him by the hand and find another object that distracts him. It's time consuming and repetative, but it works.

[DeepGreen29]

Originally Posted by TomorrowsChild

How can I help him to listen? He knows what he should and should not do, touch and play with but he always does.

This is all my opinion, and nothing more. Like you, I am new to GD....am reading every book, religiously surfing the mdc GD forums and just trying things out in my home.

My son is 15 months old....and the one thing I have learned is this:

He IS listening! He just doesnt have the self control to not do it!!! He is curious, repetitive, this is how he learns!!

Yes he knows that mommy doesnt like it when he does x....but he still needs to test it out, over and over, and see that mommys reaction is the same. So to you, I just have to advise that you try to react gently, and in a way that shows you know he is just learning...and you are helping him to learn that it is not ok to do xx, but you *may* do x.

And instead of saying "No, dont hit me in the face" Try saying "Ouch! You may not hit me. Touch me gently" and show him how. THat is what I am trying to do! It really helps with my patience, and stopping the yelling if I instead concentrate on making each misbehavior into a teaching experience where I can show him how to do something the right way.

Another example is...like when he tries to climb on the end table, which is in a dangerous place....I say "no climbing on this, but you can come with momma and climb on the couch (ok in our home)."

Alot of it comes from me being less lazy....and instead of tryng to keep doing what I am doing (hswork, computers etc) and yelling NO! Or stop etc....I *engage* with him every time he misbehaves to help him find what is right to do. It's hard....and a lot of work, but it honestly helps me keep my patience!! I hope some of what I said works for you. I recommend getting a book from the library or something to help conceptualize the gd ideas for you. There is a book list on this forum.

ps sorry so long!

[maxwill129]

: Some GREAT advice!

Shannon

[Piglet68]

Yeah, very nicely said DeepGreen.

I was going to address that. Like kava said, it's more a paradigm shift. GD is about seeing things differently. A "mainstream" (oooh, there's that word ) parent looks at the child smiling and repeating exaclty what he was told not to do and decides he's "deliberately misbehaving" and "flouting my authority". A GD'er looks proudly at their "little scientist", a creature whose major programming right now is "explore, discover, learn". They are just realizing that they can make you laugh, smile, and contort your face in that funny way you do when you are mad. Then they want to push that button again and again, much like they push the green button on their toy to see Oscar the Grouch pop up - it's still hilarious to them the 120th time.

As for the hitting/pushing. You must be there with him when he is playing with others. Very important at this age. He isn't going to learn anything from someone who is as immature as he is, it's the blind leading the blind. YOU (or another adult) must be there to intervene and demonstrate appropriate alternatives. Repetition is the key here.

Hang in there!

[maxwill129]

Just wanted to see how things were going, TomorrowsChild. I've been thinking about you this morning!

Shannon

[SunShineSally]

Thanks for all your replies Mama's my computer brokedown or something and needed to get fixed so I could not relpy any sooner. One Mama asked why he could not climb on the coffee table the only reason is because it is glass. I was a climber growing up I LOVED to climb anything and everything. I do let him on the couch to jump. I also wish I could use the couch cushions but they so not come off (hate this couch we have! It is not cozy and is really annoying!) I have been a lot calmer and not yelling nearly as much. Also do a lot more redirecting. I only really yell if he is about to get hurt. Ds and my nephew are not hitting as much anymore. Also the Mama who said that they are just testing I laughed when I read that because I knew that but never put 2 and 2 together. Thanks for the reminder. So things have been a lot more peaceful!

Thanks again!
Karen and Baby Joe

Ohh I am going to go look at the book list I LOVE books

[maya44]

Here I am in the boring old middle between those AP/GD'ers who suggest that you must always give other choices AND mainstreamers who think yelling or a good slap on the hand is the way to go.


My suggestion. Realize that a child this age is simply NOT going to be controlled by your words. It's not natural or normal for a 14 m.o. to simply do as asked. I do think a pp suggested this, but my solutionn is a little different.

You don't have to allow him to do things you don't want. You don't always have to offer another suggestion. You don't have to marvel at him being a "scientist" What you have to do is understand that he is not bad and you are not doing something wrong just because he is not going to respond to your words.

You NEED to back up words with GENTLE action. If he is heading for the table to climb on, you don't have to just let him climb on it, but you do have to go over and gently move him away. A "you can climb on your bed though" is fine, but its just something nice. It's not what is going to keep him from climbing on the table. And you don't always have to do it.

The only thing that is going to keep him from doing that is you repeatedly moving him off the table. The LESS engaged you are doing this the better. Best is a simple "no climibing on the table" after the first time in a day(when you do give explanations like "you could get hurt" and make alternative suggestions.)

[Piglet68]

maya, ITA. but you have to admit that this takes time and effort if you have to do this all day long. I find letting go on some issues, and removing others (example, Tomorrow'sChild could put the glass coffee table in storage until the kids are a bit older), makes it easier. ITA that you have to back up words with actions, but if one didn't do any childproofing, and if one stuck to too many rules, then one will be spending an inordinate amount of time saying "no go" and gently removing them. Wouldn't you agree?

[maya44]

Piglet,

I can only judge by my own kids. Fairly quickly, maybe by 15-16 months they knew that I would move them if I said "no" and was raising to a standing position and they simply wouldn't do it.

I never childproofed to the extent most people did. Never had a cabinet lock or a toilet lock. Used a gate only at the top of the stairs because my dd's were allowed to play on the landing.

I wasnt' big on creating a "yes" environment. But that's me, in the squishy middle between mainstream and AP parenting.

Piglet, I think you give great AP GD advice. I actually wish I knew you IRL, you seem so cool. Anyway, I was just offering a different suggestion for someone who thought that they needed somehthing else in that situation.

[Piglet68]

Originally Posted by maya44

Piglet, I think you give great AP GD advice. I actually wish I knew you IRL, you seem so cool.

lol, I've been wanting to say the same thing to you, but I thought I'd come across as some sort of weirdo internet groupie.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

lol, I've been wanting to say the same thing to you, but I thought I'd come across as some sort of weirdo internet groupie.

:LOL No WAY. You always seem like the most rational and together person.

Love reading your posts.