How did you convience your DH?

[hunnybumm]

I am sure this has been posted before but has anyone had an very uncrunchy DH be surprisly supportive about a hb? My DH is not crunchy at all, he is actually kind of anti crunchy. It took me a long time to get him to NOT complain about not vaxing, he doesn't agree with me, but he accepts that it is my decision. He is now complaining because I have started going to a chiro, taking my son for adjustments as well. He complains about all the "wierd" things I do, that "don't make a difference anyways."

Saving money isn't an option. Tricare will pay 100% for all prenatal care, tests (which I won't get either way), all hospital care, etc. When DS was born we didn't pay a penny. A hb is going to cost us money. Especially since I want a birth pool, our tub just isn't big enough. Also, I would love to have a midwife who will just stand to the side, and leave me alone, but will be there just in case. Do I really want to pay someone to do nothing? Or to pay someone to tell us "Ok, cut the cord there"? (In NC the midwife can't cut the cord, because assisted hbs are illegal) **I know midwives, do more than cut the cord, but I really want to be left alone during my labor and birth.**

Even if we don't have a mw I will need to buy other steril things, not sure exactly what they are, but I have read a little bit. Which will cost $$$. Surely DH is going to complain about the money, complain about how weird I am, complain that it is stupid to have a baby at home when you can have one at the hospital. Not to mention his mom would probably have a cow, she already thinks I am a little wierd, but would never say anything negative about me to DH or around us (not sure about to her friends, she really is a great lady). Not to menion that my whole family would be against the birth as well.

So it will be up to be to convience DH to be supportive. WHAT DO I DO? Help! I need to start doing this now so I have 6 months to get him in the right mind set!

[orangebird]

I would try to convince him by showing him information on the proven safety of homebirths compared to hospital births, the matched group studies and everything else. Science is science and crunchy has nothing to do with it, YK?

My DH wasn't a problem. He has never in his life thought about pregnancy or babies so he bought whatever I said about anything related to pregnancy or babies. It was just never anything he cared about in the first place enough to even have formed an opinion on it. I am amazed how many men do have opinions on it frankly, it being our bodies and all.

[sbm1001]

It was actually the moeny factor that convinced my dh at the beginning. I'd had a previous c/s & wanted to avoid another. After speaking with my OB & her not listening to my concerns over the use of Pit & the higher incidence of uterine rupture from its use I left crying, feeling angry & helpless. When I told my dh I'd more than likely end up with a repeat c/s & that this OB was one of a few docs in town that would allow attempted VBAC's, he started to understand that it could potentially cost more in the end by us having to pay our maximum out of pocket with the ins. co.

If your dh is like mine, he won't read what I give him to back up what I'm saying. He has to hear it from other men & women as well as me in order for it to really sink in. My dh is very un-crunchy, too. If it were me, I'd gather as much info as I could about all the benefits of home birth & present it to him in small bits, here & there. If he feels like he's getting all this info thrown at him at once, he may react negatively & your point won't come across. You have a tough job coming, I'm sure.

Shannon

[BensMom]

I convinced DH by having him meet with the HB MW to ask all of his questions. He was satisfied about the safety aspect after hearing her talk of her experience and training.

He is still not convinced about the money so I cant help you there. Oh well. I told him it was important to me not to give birth in a hospital. He is not thrilled, but he is going along with it. We are probably going to take out a 401K loan at the end of summer to pay the MW.

[camprunner]

Dh was convinced after watching me give birth to dd in the hospital. No one touched me the whole time we were there until after she was born. They helped us cut the cord and proceeded to not follow our wishes for her. He saw that I could birth without dying or almost dying and that the baby was fine and that's all he needed.

Have you attended the homebirth meetup in Raleigh? That has also helped dh. We haven't been to the one in Raleigh, just wilmington and jacksonville. Have you had your first appointment because that usually helps as well. Are you using midwife A. , S., L. or none of the above? Just curious.

[hunnybumm]

As of right now I have a regluar old OB, I switched from the one I used last time because I heard this OB is better with nursing while pregnant, but it looks like DS is weaning anyways... but thats a whole nother post.

Right now I am looking into going to a hb mw but I have heard you can get her services covered by TriCare. I went to the homebirth in NC site and sent an email for a list of mw who do hm. Once I get that list I will try and contact as many as I can and see if they have had any experience having TriCare pay for their expenses. If not then I have to do a lot of work and convincing with TriCare. If TriCare won't pay for it, then we will probably have an UC IF I can convince DH for a hb. I don't think he will want to pay $600 - $1000 (plus supplies maybe?) when we could get it for free at a hospital.

Also, would it be way too forward and mean to say "Hey, I decided I want a homebirth. Deal with it." Then start giving him information? I feel this isn't just my birth, it's our birth, since he will be there for the whole thing, helping me out... plus it took two to make this baby. Dh tends to be better if I say "Look this is what I am going to do. I will research my side, you research your side. Then when we are done lets compare." Then he never does his side, and I "win". Sounds mean, but it seems to work.

[camprunner]

Hunnybum just so you don't go into sticker shock our homebirth is going to be $2200 plus a $35 birth kit. Orcourse then there's the food and stuff that you'd need and I know that is what my midwife and two of the others in our area charge, though I've heard rumors of some practicing in Greenville that may travel that far.

I think if you want a homebirth you should go for it though!

[LoveChild421]

yep here in GA the fee is around $2,000- $75 for pool and pump, $50 for birth kit

but it really is a small price to pay for a wonderful and safe birth.

I agree with PP- show him hard data supporting homebirth as safe or safer than hospital birth. The Farm study is great- there are lots of studies out there- you have science on your side! Also you might want to mention to him that while the US has almost exclusively hospital births we rank 26th in infant and maternal mortality rates in the world! The countries that rank better than us have mostly homebirths!

Explain to him that while it's your birth together- it's YOUR body that has to go through whatever abuse they want to inflict upon you in the hospital! I felt I had a right to know that I would not have an unnecessary c-section or a "routine" episiotomy!

I was considering UC myself but am glad I hired a midwife because labor was LONG and hard and I needed her to reassure me everything was normal and we should stay at home...

as a last option I would go with a CNM at the hospital before I would stick with an sOB!

Good luck to you!

[hunnybumm]

Honestly, if a hb is going to cost us $2000 out of pocket, then I won't be able to have one. DH will not agree to that, and that is a lot of money when everything could be paid for at a hospital. It's sad, but true. Now, I know I will have to buy the pool, and the steril tray, and other supplies. But my main concern is the mw being paid for if we have a mw. Is that included in the above prices? Or is her cost seperate? Because if it will be $2000 ontop of the mw, then I don't want to get my hopes up.

My main reason for wanting to mw involved at all is just to reassure me that my baby is not going to die, YK? I know my body can do it, I know I am going to have a very long labor, that is just how my body works. I want as few interventions as possible. I don't want 2 or 3 mws and assistants. Just one will do, if that is even an option, I don't really know. I feel so ignorant right now. LOL

[chiro_kristin]

Oh Gena, I'm sure those prices include the MW. An unassisted HB is very cheap! Go to the UC boards, and they'll tell you how little it costs, and you'll get all the ways to make it as cheap as possible! You can also PM chiromom (my friend, she will be glad to help! had three HBs, two of them UC).

FWIW, I know I live in the midwest, but my MW services (and there are two on this team with one assistant), total 1300 (including kit and tub). MW costs include all the prenatal visits too.

[girlndocs]

I would sure have an absolute FIT if my husband refused to "let" me birth in the safest place for me and the place I, the birthing woman, felt most comfortable ... over MONEY. An absolute fit.

[the_lissa]

:

[camprunner]

Gena my $2200 quote includes the prenatals, the birth, the pool (if it's available), and my midwife has already done my first prenatal at my house. It also includes the support that I needed. I had some questions in the beginning as this pregnancy is the complete opposite of my other and she sat patiently on the phone answering my questions. If for some reason I have to transfer I believe she said she would come to the hospital as a doula. However our insurance is not good and we paid $1500 out of pocket for dd's hospital birth and with our deductibles going up this year, I'm sure I'd pay more this time. The first three midwives I listed in the PM pretty kind of work together right now and a lot of their policies and rates are the same.

[orangebird]

My midwife is $1400 including everything, prenatals, birth, aquadoula rental, postnatals, equiptment, meds, etc. Check out some midwives in your area, prices vary across the country.

ITA, nothing, not money and surely not a man, should stop you from birthing in the most comfortable and safest place for you and your baby. If you feel home is where it is at you need to be there. Show DH the evidence, it is sound evidence and he will turn around once he sees the truth. Get some papers together.

[selazenby]

My husband can by no means be called crunchy. But I showed him all the facts and he met with our midwife and asked a million questions and once he understood that "my way" was the safer one for me and the baby, it quickly became "our way." Our midwife charges $3650 for all the prenatal visits, all the supplies needed and of course being present at the birth - also follow up visits for mom and baby. Our insurance would have covered 90% of a hospital birth and only covered a small amount of the midwife fee - but to me there was never a question and once dh was convinced about home birth being the best option for me and baby, the money didn't matter to him either. I would have taken out a loan if we would have needed to. I wouldn't trade my birth experience for anything and when you stop and think what other things you spend a couple thousand dollars on - this thing that affects your life and that of your baby seems REALLY worth it.

[KariM]

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[hunnybumm]

I just want to make something a little more clear. My husband won't decide how I birth our child, however, he will be present and I want his support, I don't want him nagging, or complaing (not that I think he would after seeing how hard labor is). I don't have family around, and my mom told me recently she probably won't be able to come down for the birth, so he will be my main support. Followed by a few friends, but not many that I feel comfortable with (or like enough) to want them there. So his support is very important to me.

Also, it isn't only DH who would be worried about the money. $2000 is a lot to us, we have never spent that much on one thing in the 4 years we have been married, other than to pay off bills after tax seasion. LOL It would be easy for me to convience him if it was $300 - $500 out of pocket, I would call it my Christmas present, and say we are even. I would also buy things a little at a time. Like the tub one pay check, the bubble heating mats the next, etc. And I know most midwives have payment schedules to help out the family, but DH already complained because I paid $100 this month for 4 chiro visits. He thinks the things I do are weird, and don't make any difference any way.

I guess my first step is to email him some great information that someone emailed me (sorry forget who it is atm, but thanks!) to sorta plant the seed. Then I can work from there. My main goal at this time is to find a midwife who takes our insurace, or at least knows what hoops to jump to get it. Or to call the local TriCare office and see what I can find out.

[sarahloughmiller]

It didn't take much to convince my dh. After seeing a regular OB and then seeing the mw there was not a doubt in either of our minds about where we would have our baby. This pregnancy our ins said they were not paying for anything and dh said he didn't care, we would pay for it somehow. He really felt it was worth the $3000+ to have a great birth at home. It is you giving birth, but you do need your husbands support on this. Give him as much info as you can find (put it in the bathroom, then maybe he will acctually read it), talk to midwives about the insurance thing & don't get discouraged if your ins co says they won't pay. Ours said they wouldn't pay for ds's birth and we ended up not paying anything, the people that answer the phones don't know anything. Good Luck & I hope you get the birth you want!

[chiro_kristin]

Oh, I know this has been clarified that much of the cost of a homebirth is actually the cost of the birth attendant, aka MW, etc. But I thought you might like to see this information.

As for what the actual homebirth (minus the waterbirth issue) actually costs, here is a quote from my friend's blog about what her UC cost. She is speaking about filling out the form to send to the state so her DD can be a "real" person:

And I sent it all out with the check for $30, which brings the total cost of this birth to about $57.26.

Bottle of Gatorade: $.99
New shoelace: $1.27
Herbs for yoni and twatsicles: $15
Pads: $10
Registration of child: $30

[alexia_i_aa]

Hey, there. My DH is a scientist and the more machines and doctors the better -- at least until I converted him ;-) English is like his 4th language and he's a grad student, so he wasn't going to do much reading. I found one article by someone he could respect in his native language and highlighted the critical bits -- it explains a lot about what happened with our 1st birth and why we ended up with a c/s. The night he (finally) read it, he went from "no way, not ever" to "I will support you." He's been supportive since. I've bolstered that from time to time to dropping facts here and there just to keep that support fresh so he doesn't forget why we are doing this lol

Alexia