How would you have handled this?? - Page 2

[Heffernhyphen]

I worry that this tactic is just felt by the child to be punishing them by showering your affection on the other sib right in front of him.

Okay, I'll play. Why is it bad for the kid to be punished? He did the wrong thing. He did a mean thing. Even at three, he is smart enough to know that he is not being nice throwing sand at his sister. He's probably not able to comprehend that he could very well have caused a lot of pain and possibly even a scratched cornea and sent her to the ER. BTDT

Again, why? Are we teaching the child that you shouldn't throw sand because it might hurt people? Or, instead, is the message that you shouldn't throw sand because someone bigger than you will drag you off?

When I speed, I might get a ticket. When I drink too much, I might puke. Maybe these aren't technically punishments, but they are certainly reminders to do the right thing. I just don't think I can let a kid in my charge get away with doing the wrong thing with no consequences. I feel it's my responsibility to let them know that it won't be tolerated. They can stop because they got the sudden desire to be a better person, or because they want to please me, or because they don't want to be removed from a fun situation. Their choice.

[cjr]

Why did he throw sand at his sister? Was it to be spiteful, mean, or was it out of frustration? Most 3 yo's I know are not trying to be mean or spiteful when they harm someone, they are frustrated. Why would you punish him for being frustrated? I don't think the OP punished him at all by picking him up and removing him. I think she did the right thing. Toddler's and pre-schoolers knock things over. They can't tell you why, they just do it. They do things to get a reaction. If his sisters reacted by just ignoring his behavior and re-building another sandcastle then he most likely would have carried on with something else. Maybe not. He got a reaction from the girls. He was removed from the situation and responded by throwing sand at his sister. He was frustrated that he wasn't allowed to play his way, and took it out on his sister. His mom responded by removing him from the situation.

I understand that older siblings need their space too. They need to be able to play older games and do older activities without little brother pestering them. However, that's what little brothers/sisters do. His behavior needs to be understood and delt with accordingly. Punishing him for feeling frustrated isn't going to solve anything. Removing him from a frustrating situation was the right response. What happens next time?

I make it clear to the girls that if they are on common ground then they need to put up with a pesty little brother bothering them. It's in his nature. If they want to play without being bothered then they need to do so in a location just for them, or wait until nap time. I'm not going to get upset at ds for knocking down the blocks, because that's what he does. In my 6 years of operating a dayhome I have never run into a child who did not knock things down.

I think redirecting him by building another castle was a great attempt at solving the problem. This is what we try to do as well, but it rarely works.

I know it's not fair to his sisters, but you can't punish a 3yo for acting his age. You can't get mad at him for behaving the way he is supposed to behave. He's not trying to be mean. Don't put him or his sisters in this type of situation. If they are going to build sandcastles with him around they need to be prepared to have them knocked down by a little brother who desperatly wants to do the things his sister can do. A little man who does not understand why he is being told he can't play with his sisters. He is not aware that his method of play is bothersome because he thinks it's fun.

[AngelBee]

Than maybe have the girls build "sand castles" for brother to knock over for 30 mins and then distrast brother with a different activity so they can build one without it getting knocked over.

I understand that he is not doing it to be mean, but the girls should have the right to play without brother sometimes also.

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by cjr

Why did he throw sand at his sister? Was it to be spiteful, mean, or was it out of frustration? Most 3 yo's I know are not trying to be mean or spiteful when they harm someone, they are frustrated. Why would you punish him for being frustrated? I don't think the OP punished him at all by picking him up and removing him. I think she did the right thing. Toddler's and pre-schoolers knock things over. They can't tell you why, they just do it. They do things to get a reaction. If his sisters reacted by just ignoring his behavior and re-building another sandcastle then he most likely would have carried on with something else. Maybe not. He got a reaction from the girls. He was removed from the situation and responded by throwing sand at his sister. He was frustrated that he wasn't allowed to play his way, and took it out on his sister. His mom responded by removing him from the situation.

I understand that older siblings need their space too. They need to be able to play older games and do older activities without little brother pestering them. However, that's what little brothers/sisters do. His behavior needs to be understood and delt with accordingly. Punishing him for feeling frustrated isn't going to solve anything. Removing him from a frustrating situation was the right response. What happens next time?

I make it clear to the girls that if they are on common ground then they need to put up with a pesty little brother bothering them. It's in his nature. If they want to play without being bothered then they need to do so in a location just for them, or wait until nap time. I'm not going to get upset at ds for knocking down the blocks, because that's what he does. In my 6 years of operating a dayhome I have never run into a child who did not knock things down.

I think redirecting him by building another castle was a great attempt at solving the problem. This is what we try to do as well, but it rarely works.

I know it's not fair to his sisters, but you can't punish a 3yo for acting his age. You can't get mad at him for behaving the way he is supposed to behave. He's not trying to be mean. Don't put him or his sisters in this type of situation. If they are going to build sandcastles with him around they need to be prepared to have them knocked down by a little brother who desperatly wants to do the things his sister can do. A little man who does not understand why he is being told he can't play with his sisters. He is not aware that his method of play is bothersome because he thinks it's fun.

:

[mamaduck]

My kids have ongoing issues like these too -- esp. when the older one has a friend over. What I preceive as frustrating to the little guy is the fact that he is expected to play by the "rules" the older kids set. The knocking things down and throwing things around becomes a power play -- the only way he knows to feel involved and included.

The problemst start because he is basically expected to do as they tell him or to go away. What I "coach" my older child to do is to stop, talk to the younger one, find out what is important to him, and make the game different so that everyone's favorite things to do are part of the game. I remind him that the little one should be part of making the rules AND playing the game. He is not there just to follow orders.

I am continually amazed by their problem solving skills. The hardest part seems to be getting control of their frustration, and slowing down to take a minute for thinking and talking. If I can coach them to do that.... then they are able to come up with really creative solutions. For example - the idea already mentioned - one castle to "keep" and work on and another next to it that can be repeatedly knocked down and rebuilt. Or - creating a "pretend game" and giving the little one a role to act out so that he feels involved and needed.

I realize that 1) The older one needs time with friends away from the little one. I try to provide that by setting up alternative activities for the little one. But there are also times when everyone gets to play. 2) Teaching problemsolving is pointless if the little one is tired, hungry, and out of sorts. In those cases, I need to take him inside and do what I can to meet his more basic needs before he can play nicely.