For those who have had a loss (or more)

[Sleepymama]

How do you feel about this pg? On the one hand, every day without spotting is like a miracle for me. But I am compulsively checking the toilet paper! My 1st PG with DS was totally uneventful, the 2nd I started spotting at 8 weeks and finally had d&c (no heartbeat) at almost 12 weeks. Then I had a very early loss this spring. So I'm having a hard time feeling actually *happy* that I am pregnant. I keep saying things like "if I am still pregnant a month from now" or making it conditional. I am definitely not thinking "I will have a baby next february" it's still "if I have a baby next February"

Anyone else?

I am due valentine's day, which also happens to be congenital heart defects awareness day (my son has a severe heart defect) and somehow there is closure in that for me, I hope.

[My Three Boys]

Sleepy - I just read Iain's story. Wow! What a difficult time for you all.

Yes, I am feeling that exact same way about this pregnancy. I keep saying, "If I'm still pregnant" when talking about the future. I don't even want to think about the fact that I may have a tiny newborn in my arms next February. I don't want to be disappointed. It's tough isn't it?

A really close friend of mine who had suffered with three miscarraiges as well said something that rang true to me. She said that I was going to be disappointed if I lost this baby whether I worried about it or not. But, if this baby holds on and I choose to worry for the first trimester, I'm the one who loses out. That helped, but it doesn't keep me from rushing to the bathroom every time I feel "something" down there. I'm scared to wipe whenever I go!! I hope and pray that this one sticks.

I also have a different feeling about this one. I can't explain it. I hope it's right!!

[savannah smiles]

Sleepymama, I am also having a heart time relaxing and actually enjoying this pg. My first pg was uneventful but I had a loss at 7 wks back in March and it's amazing how much that's affected me. I had some cramps last night and some light spotting this morning and I just started crying in the bathroom. I went in to see my doctor and they drew some blood so I should hear back about my hcg and progesterone levels tomorrow. I will also go in for another u/s next Thursday when I'm 7w2d.
It's just bitterly ironic because I had just started to feel happy and hopeful about this pg after an early u/s on Monday and then I get hit with this. Frankly, I'll be dancing with joy to get out of the first trimester but I don't think I'll truly relax until I'm holding the baby.

[Sleepymama]

savannah, I hope it's nothing! I've heard of lots of women spotting or bleeding throughout the 1st trimester and went on to have healthy babies. Did you see a heartbeat on the u/s or was it too early? Hopefully you will see it next time. Your chances of miscarrying after you see a heartbeat are much, much lower.

I also had bloodwork done, drawn on Tuesday (12dpo) and my hcg was 85 and progesterone was 12.5. I wish the progesterone were higher, but they are going to retest on friday and supplement if it hasn't risen. I have been using natural progesterone cream so hopefully that will help.

[Heavenly]

sleepymama - Hopefully the progesterone will rise, 12.5 doesn't seem high enough.

I had two miscarriages between my two kids and I am saying the same things as you guys, if I am still pregnant by such and such a time or if I have a baby in February. I have tons of symptoms so i think that's a good sign.

[fiandaca]

I had a miscarriage in February and even though I know I could not have controlled it one way or another, one of the feelings I had afterward was that it was my fault because I hadn't fought hard enough to keep the pregnancy, that somehow I hadn't appreciated it enough. So this time around, I am both consciously and unconsciously trying to appreciate this pregnancy. I am feeling really hopeful, part of which could be due to things like having a really nice triphasic pattern of high temperatures after I ovulated (which didn't happen the first time), and my symptoms are a lot stronger this time (I barely felt anything except fatigue last time).

I've been pretty busy the last week or so, but I am planning to try to find some quiet time at least once a day to focus on my growing embryo and I don't know . . . beam some positive energy at her/him. I think my friends and fam may feel wary about this pregnancy so it may be up to me and my partner to carry the initial good feelings until things really get underway.

[Sleepymama]

I have been saying little things too, like "hey little person, I hope you like your new home, and I'll do everything I can to make it comfortable for you so you can grow big and strong. I hope you can stay a while." It's silly, but it makes me feel better.

Yes, 12.5 doesn't seem high enough to me either. I'm still waiting to hear if they want me to retest tomorrow. I have seen so many doctors in the last few months, I'm totally sick of them and wish my midwife could do all of this for me I had my prog. levels done a couple months ago (short luteal phase) and at 5dpo, it was only 4.5 which my OB (ex-OB!) said was "normal." Uh, yeah, right. I'm kind of surprised I was able to conceive with that kind of level. I am having a lot more symptoms the past 2 days--more breast tenderness, hunger, skin breakout--which are all signs of increasing progesterone, so that's good But I really thought at least 15, and more like 20 for 14dpo were normal

[EllasMama]

I remember checking for blood during my first pregnancy, though I'd never had a miscarriage, and have been doing the same thing this time. I hate that I worry, but it just happens nearly every time I use the bathroom. I read in Aviva Romm's book on pregnancy that she did the same thing early in all her pregnancies. So even if you don't have a history of miscarriages, I think some people do this. It's just so weird to have bleeding each month...and then suddenly not anymore.

I believe I had a very early miscarriage the month before this pregnancy and it's made me a bit more worried than I think I would have felt. But the first 3 weeks of this baby's gestation were extremely hard and stressful, so if s/he stuck around through that, I believe this baby very much wants to stay with us. I talk to the baby (both in my mind and aloud), too, just like I did with my DD. I try to tell the baby things like that we are so excited about him/her and that if s/he is able to stick around, then we will do our best as parents, and also that there's a big sister waiting who's beyond excited to meet him/her.

Good luck and sticky stickies to all of us!

Carol

[fiandaca]

Carol, I checked for blood a lot last time. I don't think I was worried about miscarriage as much as (like you said) just fascinated with how long it had been since I'd bled and sort of unbelieving that I could go so long without doing so.

I'm not really checking for it this time around, but whenever I feel some sort of trickle, you can bet that I rush into the bathroom to see what's what!

I wonder if it's easier for you to talk to your baby because you've already had a full-term pregnancy? I think I need a little more time to get used to it. I've done it a couple of times and sometimes it feels natural, but it can also feel silly. I like imagining it, though (ah, what a beautiful little grain of rice/seahorse/alien!). :LOL

[savannah smiles]

Sleepy, I'm really hoping it's nothing either. The spotting could have been due to my u/s two days earlier and I haven't had any today so I'm back to feeling hopeful again. When I had my u/s at 5w6d, it was too early for a heartbeat but everything looked fab otherwise. I can't wait to see the baby again next week.
I'm sorry your progesterone is on the low side. I hope your test tomorrow shows a nice increase!

[jennay]

I've had three losses (7/01, 1/02, and 3/05) so I am very cautious about this new pregnancy. I am going today and Monday for HCG levels/progesterone and will find out the results on Tuesday. Only DH and a very close friend know at this point (and this board!)

[aimcar]

I've had two losses within the past year, so yes, I am very anxious about this pregnancy. I too find myself saying, "if I'm still pregnant" when talking about things in the coming months. And I'm constantly checking the toilet paper for blood and over analyzing my symptoms (or lack there of). I do have a different feeling about this pregnancy though, and I think once I'm able to see the heartbeat I might be able to relax a little more.

[lilgsmommy]

I ahve had 7 losses and being PG again has me scared but happy. I am sitting here wondering what I did last time, and trying not to do it this time and vice versa, when I know it was nothing I did. I find it hard to not think about what might happen. we have already told a few people, mainly those close to us, because they know we were trying.