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Is there anyone else in my predicament? - Page 2

post #21 of 45
6/15/05 at 2:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie
You know what? It was the "wrong side of the tracks" comments, as well as his making it sound like she did this as some sort of last ditch effort to keep him in her life that makes me lack sympathy. Read his post carefully. The underlying tone is really acusatory.
I don't like the tone of his post, either. But, that doesn't mean he's wrong. I agree that he should have used a condom if he really didn't want kids. But, if she, for example, lied about being on the pill, I can't blame him for being pissed off. This is a pretty major responsibility to lay on someone without their consent...and it does happen. I know of at least three cases of it in my own family. In every case, the woman told me "I know he'll come around once he knows I'm pregnant". The wrong side of the tracks remark was obnoxious and ignorant...good enough to lay, but not good enough to bring home to mom? Charming...

Anyway...to the point of the OP. Talk to a lawyer. The Canadian laws around child support and confusing and weird. Make sure you know exactly what's required, and talk to the lawyer about the food and diapers aspect of it. I had a friend who only brought his ex food and diapers, before he finally got custody of the kids, because he knew she was blowing the money he brought over on heroin. I don't know of anybody here who's had to repay old child support if it was paid directly to the mom - as long as he could prove that he'd paid it.

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post #22 of 45
6/15/05 at 2:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by papapoochie
Don't be paranoid about her trying to scam you.
Why does everybody think he's being paranoid? Do you all think this is something made up by deadbeat dads?

Okay - when you have sex, you take the chance on a baby happening, no matter what birth control you use - granted. The OP is 27, and should know that - granted. But, let's stop assuming that the g/f has her baby's best interests at heart. If she did deliberately get pregnant without telling the OP she was doing so, she created this baby as part of a deception. What her reasons are doesn't even matter to me. She set out to use a defenceless baby to hook someone. IF this is the situation (I don't know, obviously - I've never met her or the OP), then why is everyone jumping on the OP? And, why is everyone bringing up the "cash" aspect with comments about rent, heat, etc.? The OP knows this girl - we don't. How would you feel if you were forced to pay cash child support that you either knew or suspected wasn't making it to the child in any way?
post #23 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:07pm
My personal opinion- if you're going to have sex, there is a chance that you are going to have a baby. If you are not willing to accept the remotest chance that you might have a baby, you, male or female, shouldn't be having sex.
post #24 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:28pm
What she said.

And the whole "I'm not going to pay you support, I'm buying diapers, or shoes, or whatever" is OLD. I've heard it a zillion times from non-custodial fathers. It's about control - he gets to decide what the money is spent on.

The fact is, if she lives INDOORS with the baby and FEEDS the baby, the support is being spent on the baby.
post #25 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie
My personal opinion- if you're going to have sex, there is a chance that you are going to have a baby. If you are not willing to accept the remotest chance that you might have a baby, you, male or female, shouldn't be having sex.
I'm not arguing - but I don't think that makes it okay for one partner to decide to up the odds of that happening without discussing it with the other. The general tone of a lot of the posts here is that the girl only wants what's best for her baby, and that the OP is being paranoid in acting as though he's been trapped. All I'm saying is that we don't know - and it's entirely possible that he has been trapped and that the welfare of her baby is nowhere near the top of this girl's priority list. I've met more than a few women who play the "but what about my baby" card when they're trying to make someone (b/f, spouse, friend, whatever) do something for them. Men have no exclusive hold on selfishness.
post #26 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:31pm
Is the welfare of the baby at the top of his priority list? He's not providing a roof for the pregnant mama of his baby. Maybe there's a good reason why not. He's upset that she didn't have an abortion, coz this is what they "agreed." He isn't offering to provide childcare or even cash to support the baby when it's born, he is in fact trying to get *out* of paying cash by buying diapers.
post #27 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
And the whole "I'm not going to pay you support, I'm buying diapers, or shoes, or whatever" is OLD. I've heard it a zillion times from non-custodial fathers. It's about control - he gets to decide what the money is spent on.

The fact is, if she lives INDOORS with the baby and FEEDS the baby, the support is being spent on the baby.
Ah...what if she lives in the same size space as she would have without the baby? What if she doesn't feed the baby? If you ladies have never seen this happen, I'm happy for you. But, I've seen plenty of women blow their "much needed" child support on cigarettes, coffee, beer, drugs, bingo - you name it...while their kids aren't getting enough to eat. The kids don't get a penny of it - directly or otherwise. If the baby needs diapers or clothes, how does it cost the mom anything for them to be bought directly?

That may not be the situation here...but the OP obviously knows this girl better than we do. (I will admit it's possible he's just a jerk...his "wrong side of the tracks" comment is pretty obnoxious.) Should he be forced to shell out hundreds of dollars a month while his child still isn't looked after properly?
post #28 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:33pm
If she lives in the same size space, she cannot work if she is parenting full time, so the support will go to pay rent that she could have otherwise paid with income from employment.

And if she starves the baby he can get custody.
post #29 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:34pm
Then he should call child services and turn her butt in. But when someone seems to be trying to wriggle out of supporting a baby who hasn't even been born yet, it turns on some warning bells for me.

Notice Prince Charming hasn't returned.
post #30 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:36pm
Annettemarie
post #31 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:38pm
I agree, sex makes babies. I was on the pill and had been told I couldn't get pregnant (but was still on the pill-just in case) and I got pregnant. Unfortunately that pregnancy occured at a time when our relationship was horribly broken down (in retrospect, hormones may have played a role) We lost that baby, but the day I found out I was pregnant (assumed the constant puking was stress from all the fighting) I told dh and he hugged me and said "Well then, I guess that changes things doesn't it"

We went on to survive 3 miscarriages, get married and finally have our little angel Molly. Time to be a man and support your child and his/her mother.
post #32 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:49pm
Just wanted to say the same thing happened to DH with childsupport when he was paying his ex directly, (and buying his kids a lot of things they needed too) and he had check proof and everything and never got the money back (though when she tried to get more money the judge lets us claim one of DSS every other year so we get it back indirectly). The sad thing is we dont mind paying child support but she uses it for cigarettes, beer and prescription meds and not for the one kid that lives with her.
post #33 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:50pm
How do you know what your partner's ex uses child support for?
post #34 of 45
6/15/05 at 3:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
How do you know what your partner's ex uses child support for?
Well its a long story (she was declared an unfit mother and is not supposed to have the children there) but luckily he is back with his grandparents right now.
post #35 of 45
6/15/05 at 5:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by shannon0218
We went on to survive 3 miscarriages, get married and finally have our little angel Molly. Time to be a man and support your child and his/her mother.
If this woman did get pregnant by quitting birth control without telling him, then it's not quite that simple. You and your husband went through something very different.

I didn't get the feeling the OP is trying to wiggle out of paying child support. I think he wants to know what the facts are.

If he's right, she created a baby to hold onto someone she thought she was losing...without his consent or agreement. She may turn out to be a good mom, or to at least care abou her baby to some degree, but so far the evidence suggests otherwise. How is she showing any signs of putting her baby first?
post #36 of 45
6/15/05 at 5:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride
Why does everybody think he's being paranoid? Do you all think this is something made up by deadbeat dads?
Your point is valid Storm Bride. I have made assumptions about lando2000 and the girlfriend. Who really knows what is going on?

I just think this is a very tough position to be in, but this is the new reality for all parties involved. But, regardless of what happended, it is important to take the higher ground. A baby will be born and it has a mother and father. They need to come to terms w/it.

My paranoid comment really was a way of saying, "cut the c--p and move forward." I suppose I am painting this girlfriend in a brighter light than she may deserve. Again I don't know these people. But if this girlfriend is really no good and conniving, why was he having a relationship with her? Ah, the difficult lessons....

This is a great post as it is generating a lot of responses.
post #37 of 45
6/15/05 at 5:58pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride
but so far the evidence suggests otherwise. How is she showing any signs of putting her baby first?

What evidence? The rant of a really offensive person? I know two people in a similar situation, and the guy keeps saying stuff like OP, and he is so off. I tend not to trust someone who posts a first post like that, never comes back, and is disgustingly rude to the mother of his child.
post #38 of 45
6/15/05 at 6:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
Is the welfare of the baby at the top of his priority list? He's not providing a roof for the pregnant mama of his baby. Maybe there's a good reason why not. He's upset that she didn't have an abortion, coz this is what they "agreed." He isn't offering to provide childcare or even cash to support the baby when it's born, he is in fact trying to get *out* of paying cash by buying diapers.
Really there are woman out there who take the child support and spend it on themselves. I have a friend who's ex-wife spends all the money on pot and such and the electric and water gets shut off and his kids don't have this stuff. In some situations (depending on the custodial Parent) it is really better to have tangible things as opposed to cash. or maybe he could get the payment worked out where HER pays the rent directly. I think maybe that was what he was getting at. although his post did piss me off. wrong side of the tracks.

I also always try to see the positive side and think of people having the best intentions. also i didn't see where he said they didn't use a condom. it COULd have broke. I mean we just don't know


but BAD Lando for basiclly calling her trash just b/c she doesn't have money or whatever.
post #39 of 45
6/15/05 at 6:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by jewelysmommy
but BAD Lando for basiclly calling her trash just b/c she doesn't have money or whatever.
:
post #40 of 45
6/15/05 at 6:31pm
heh. have sex, get baby. b/c or not. dh and have had to swear off sex. should have called this last one 'Patch'

What about adoption?


Can't answer anything else, I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. :LOL
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