Help! Irritating Doula question

[southernmama]

I have a great mw. I totally trust her for my VBAC and we have a comfortable relationship. But, the doula who is apprenticing with her and teaches the Bradley class, while she is a nice enough lady, bugs me. I can't explain it, but she doesn't seem that competent in class and I think she will really irritate me at the birth. I know the mw is her friend, so I don't know what to do. I do not want to hurt her feelings or jeopardize my great mw relationship .Any suggestions?

[TiredX2]

My midwife first checked that it was okay with me for her to bring an assistant (which it was, but she *did* ask).

Are you having a lot of people at your birth? One easy option would be to just ask the midwife if it could be just her so to limit people.

I would first clarify with your midwife what her protocol is (for example, when you call her, who comes to your house, how quickly, how long do they stay, etc...). With that information you may be able to figure out a gentle way of dealing with the situation.

[Thmom]

ditto the PP... also just come out and say "our just don't think our personalities mesh" which is sounds like is the problem. Any good doula will understand that she won't be loved by all and knows how important it is for the mother to be very comfortable her so her feelings shouldn't get hurt. Just be sure to emphasize that it's not anything she's done it's just a personality difference.

[ramlita]

Your birth belongs to you!
Nobody should be there who you don't feel glad-to-have.
I can't imagine a midwife who would try to fight you if you told her how you felt about her apprentice.
When I was pregnant with DD, my MW had a student who made my skin crawl. No way was she going to be in my house! Let alone at the birth of my first child! I spoke with my MW privately, and that was that.

Are there others who could take that doula's place?
Most MWs I know do prefer to have someone along to act as another set of skilled hands & eyes, but the options for that person are probably wide open...

[alegna]

I agree. Talk to your MW. Explain that you just aren't a good mesh and would prefer she not be at your birth. I bet your MW will understand.

-Angela

[hunnybumm]

The midewife group I have set an appointment up with have a set 'protocal' when it comes down to who will be at the birth. They have to have two people there. Her reasoning is because (a) if mommy and baby are in distress, they want one person for each and (b) if they run out of Oxygen, or if the machine malfuctions, they need 2 people to do compressions. Not to mention that the lady I really like is a lay mw so she needs the mw to be there to count it as a primary twords getting to take her CPM test.

I also agree that you should mention to the mw that your personalities don't mesh. Like others have mentioned both should understand.

[Full Heart]

I have had this happen before. I told my mw about my feelings. Mostly the problem I had was the lady was ditzy and talked talked talked all the time (like an airhead). During the labor she was great though because my mw did tell her that all her talking bothered me. She was able to offer support so that was good. I think if a person who is going to be offering support to all different types of women in labor need to know what bothers some just as much as what works. I bet there are lots of women who would have appreciated the talkativeness of the doula but I did not and she was able to accomadate that.

Michelle

[heathenmom]

I don't have any specific advice, except to tell you that you DEFINITELY want to take care of this pre-labor! My "support person" was someone I considered a dear friend, and though she'd be helpful. However, there are aspects of her personality that I find abrasive. For some reason I just glossed over that fact but in labor I pulled my dh aside and said, "SHE'S DRIVING ME INSANE" and I did actually tell her to "shut the up." Having her there totally stressed me out and I wish now that I had chosen someone with a more soothing personality.

I know that was rambling ... my point is just that if she bothers you now, chances are she will drive you completely insane during labor, so no matter how uncomfortable, please, please address it with your mw now!

Good luck!

[mwherbs]

Originally Posted by hunnybumm

The midwife group I have set an appointment up with have a set 'protocal' when it comes down to who will be at the birth. They have to have two people there. Her reasoning is because (a) if mommy and baby are in distress, they want one person for each and (b) if they run out of Oxygen, or if the machine malfuctions, they need 2 people to do compressions. Not to mention that the lady I really like is a lay mw so she needs the mw to be there to count it as a primary twords getting to take her CPM test.

I also agree that you should mention to the mw that your personalities don't mesh. Like others have mentioned both should understand.

Yes we have a policy to have 2 people at a birth too for many reasons If someone had a conflict with one of us luckly there are a few others who would be able to come instead. I say talk to your midwife about your feelings--

[ZeldasMom]

accidently double posted!

[ZeldasMom]

You want good chemistry with the people attending your birth.
The doula is there to help you, not the midwife. Find a tactful way to get rid of this doula and hire your own:
www.dona.org

You will feel so much better. Just be direct, and calm, and matter-of-fact when explaining this to your midwife, like it's no big deal. Don't turn it into a long conversation. You don't have to go into your deep, dark feelings about why you don't like her, or even say that you don't like her. Just say you have someone else you've really clicked with who would be a better fit.

Or if you don't want to hire your own, do what the pp suggested and say you will feel better with fewer people present (I'm like this--I would prefer not to have the midwife there--last time I labored on my own in the back room and had my husband do his thing in the front of the house until I got to 9cm and we went to the hospital). This time I am lucky--my midwife lives 5 minutes away and she is going to just pop by to check me when I think it's appropriate and leave if birth isn't imminent. So I'll be able to be on my own most of the time.

[mwherbs]

it is just that if the gal who is a doula is also the midwife's assistant then the midwife may not be ok with just any other person taking her place--for an assistant I need someone who can draw up some pit and give a shot -- has done the NNR practice and can do it- knows what I carry and where it is and if I ask for it to get it--
often women on their journey to becoming a midwife have worked as doulas-- but a doula and a midwife's labor assistant are not the same job, there are some over lapping things but not the same-- so I still think that you should tell your midwife you don't want this gal at your birth-- she may have another assistant-- also if you have an apprentice that you are getting alot of feedback about- that most of your clients don't want at their births then maybe she needs to figure out what is going on or maybe she is not a good fit for your practice or style.

[southernmama]

Yikes

Yikes! I definitly don't want this woman giving me a shot. She just doesn't seem competent medically. For example, she takes blood pressure at my appointments and looks to mw to see if she is doing it right. Can't find heartbeat wuth fetascope yet, etc. Yet acts as if her role is more important than it is. Thanks for the advice>

[homebirthing]

Well, that will be me in a couple of months when I start to apprentice for an upcoming birth. I will be looking at the midwife too. Everyone has to start somewhere.

You can either tell your midwife that you want her there only as an apprentice, which means that she can do BP checks and herbs and such, or not at all. She doesn't need to be your doula, and that is the not role that she is there to play. I would just be honest. If you don't like her, you have a right to protect your birth space, and your midwife should honor YOUR birth space. This is not their birth, but yours, and you get choose who is there, and who is not. Good luck!

[TurboClaudia]

if this woman irritates you now, she will most likely irritate you even more when you are in labor. my feeling is that you should talk with the midwife and let her know that you are concerned that you will not be able to let go and do the hard work of birthing if her assistant is there. perhaps the midwife will help to facilitate a heartfelt conversation amongst the three of you where you can come to a peaceful choice about how to handle this situation.

above all, mama, follow your heart, trust in your intuition, voice your concerns honestly and without censorship, and believe in the choices you make. if you do this, regret will not enter your mind and your strength and confidence in yourself will grow.

warmly,
claudia

[southernmama]

Yikes

Yikes! I definitly don't want this woman giving me a shot. She just doesn't seem competent medically. For example, she takes blood pressure at my appointments and looks to mw to see if she is doing it right. Can't find heartbeat wuth fetascope yet, etc. Yet acts as if her role is more important than it is. Thanks for the advice>

[orangebird]

Yes, talk to the midwife, she will totally understand and has probably heard similar things before (not necessarily about that particular person, but you know, not everyone clicks with everyone, a midwife understands that) Go with your gut and don't feel bad. It's your birth.

Reminds me, I am 35 weeks and still haven't met the midwife my midwife is bringing along to my birth. It might be my old midwife, who I know and love, but if she can't make it there is another woman for back up, I've never met her. Hopefully by the time the midwives get here I will be so far into transition I won't care anyway. I don;t want them hanging around for hours unless there is some sort of emergency anyway.

[Desdamona]

Originally Posted by southernmama

I have a great mw. I totally trust her for my VBAC and we have a comfortable relationship. But, the doula who is apprenticing with her and teaches the Bradley class, while she is a nice enough lady, bugs me. I can't explain it, but she doesn't seem that competent in class and I think she will really irritate me at the birth. I know the mw is her friend, so I don't know what to do. I do not want to hurt her feelings or jeopardize my great mw relationship .Any suggestions?

Please please please talk to your MW and let her know you just don't feel comfortable with the doula attending your birth. It is YOUR birth and your wishes should be honored above all. My last birth (2½wks ago) was attended by a "do-nothing" (doula who did nothing of what we had asked and communicated with her preatally of what we needed... And I don't say this flippantly since I am a doula myself) and both DH and I upset by her attendance of the birth.

[Raven]

What about finding another doula and tell your midwife you'd prefer your own doula present? If this is not a viable option, ask your MW if there are other options available.

[Jlcampbellkidz]

Ditto what everyone is saying. It's your birth, your choice. It should not affect your relationship with your midwife at all. Not everyones personalities mesh sometimes. Take care of it sooner rather than later and you will feel better too. As a doula, one of the first things I tell clients is to choose only people they are completely comfortable with. That doula should understand that the two of you just aren't a good mix.

Good Luck.