constant smart mouthing

[elyice]

what do you do about this?

[babysx9]

I wish I could help. I need the answer to this as well.

[Dar]

How old are the kids?

I really think that there are two kinds of smart mouthing - the "intend to piss Mom off" type, in which the kid has been thwarted in something and intentionally sets off to run her mouth and be annoying, and the "lacking filters type" type, in which the kid is just talking in a way that reflects her feelings at the time (generally annoyed about something), and totally not thinking about (or really caring about) how her words will come out and sound to others. Nine to twelve seem prime time for both of these, and really it's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

This so gets to me, btw, so I've worked on being extremely vigilant about my responses and not going off, and knowing that it's age-appropriate behavior - not fun, but normal. If I think it could be type 2 (and I try to give the benefit of the doubt), usually I go for a low-key, "That's not a polite was to speak to me." Usually the child (mine or one I work with) will catch herself then and rephrase or apologize, and then I know that it was inadvertant. If it seems intentional, then I think it's doubly important to keep myself in check, but my response will be stronger - "That was rude. Being rude to me is not okay."

I also think it's really important not to go tit-for-tat with this, and it's so easy to get caught up and start dishing rudeness back... but that perpetuate the cycle. Stay strong, be patient, it does slowly pass...

dar

[crazymom]

I respond just as Dar does....constant reminding of how I expect to be treated and talked to and if the "talking back" continues it is grounding for the day/night, meaning no TV, phone, computer time, and an eventual, heart felt apology......that is about all I know to do....hope it helps!

[AngelBee]

:

[elyice]

yes, I am in the tit for tat cycle. It is the rude intrentional smart mouthing- sassing and getting fresh- neverthought Iwould be using those terms.
I will say " clean your room please" and she'll say "can you leave me alone now?" I'll say "yes, bye" and when I turn my back she'll say "GOOD YOU ARE GONE!!"
that is the better episode.

[BelovedK]

I've got this going on and DS is only 10 of course i have a very spirited DS.

I usually try try not to get into it with him , which he wants. I just go away from him for a while and start doing something else. eventually he apoligizes

[UUMom]

I think my 16 yr old does this because he thinks he's clever and is trying out certain 'attitude'". Sometimes it bugs me, esp if he is being demanding. When he does it that way, I tell him that I don't feel warm towards him when he's telling me what to do, and that what i do for him is from my heart. I've also told him that when his mouth is a little too smart, I tend to want to shut down. Why would I want to drive a fresh mouth 20 miles out of my way?? I remind him not to bite the hand that feeds (and adores) him.

OTHO, sometimes he says things that are just so snippy and hilarious they border on Comdey Central stuff. Sometimes I aks him "Did you make that up? If you did, you need to write it down and use it in the future".

Teens are their own book. I swear. Sometimes he cracks me up and I think he is the most clever kid on the face of the earth, and sometimes i want to slap him silly. :LOL :

[BelovedK]

Is this what i have to look foreward to??
LOL

[UUMom]

Well, i have to say that 98% of the time, my 16 yr old is totally delightful. He cracks me up. He has a very dry and wicked sense of humor. Mostly, I can't get enough of him.

YK, I cannot choose a fav age. I love newborns- so tiny and adorable. So wearable (I look cute in a Bjorn ) and I love any excuse to sit and nurse. I love toddlers- so verbal and open, if challenging. The 'preschool' age is so thoughtful and curiious. The 'school age' child is talkative and interested in all things fair. My teen is this fantastic, funny, clever near-adult. A good luncheon companion, someone to talk politics with. Someone who can correct my spelling. :LOL

I love all ages and I want more kids.

[BelovedK]

i love your attitude UUmom, I sometimes get so frustrated w/ DS that i lose sight of his wonderful creativity and (sometimes hidden) kind heart

[UUMom]

Thanks, BelovedK. Keeping a sense of humor has helped me through many sticky times. Perspective is also a handy thing. Often i think back at situations that seemed so important at the time but really were not. I can't tell you how frequently I have simply looked the other way or ignored particular comments. Sometimes kids just want to vent and do not actually believe what they are saying.

I think about my highly sensitive child (not the teen, who is only moderatly highly sensitive ) , and how one minute I'm hearing how I am the worst mother ever because I only buy " healthy, organic food', but within 2 minutes is chatting with me about neopets and then helps me get dinner ready. Sometimes a vent is just a vent. And sometimes venting around the people who love you most is the best medicine. Any commentary from me would have prolonged the entire vent. Later, easily, I can talk about wanting to help their bodies grow well, and was there anything they wanted to add to the list for the next market trip.

Discussing certain things in the heat of the moment isn't always in my best interest or my child's. It's easier to talk about big ideas (like health and pesticides in this particula case) when we're all calm and in the mood for thoughtful chatting.

[BelovedK]

So true....LOL

[UnschoolnMa]

Dar's post reflects my feelings on this sort of thing too. Determining what's really happening is important I think, as well as remembering that it's that time in their lives.

If I feel some tension in a comment or exchange I might say, "Is something bothering you? Because you seem to be a little snippy/short in your voice and comments. What's up?" or "I don't really like the way you are talking to me. I try hard to talk kindly to you." etc.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by UUMom

Discussing certain things in the heat of the moment isn't always in my best interest or my child's. It's easier to talk about big ideas (like health and pesticides in this particula case) when we're all calm and in the mood for thoughtful chatting.

I totally agree, and we go this route often too.

[UUMom]

That's so true. Whenever i share my feelings about 'smart mouthing' with my teen, he's so willing to hear me and often says 'I know. I wouldn't like you to say that to me. Sorry". I just think sometimes they can't help it. There is so much going on for them emotioally.

[UUMom]

We posted to each other's posts at the same time. I'm not telling myself "That's so true". lol Although, I could often use a self- pep talk. :LOL

[PancakeGoddess]

My problem is I can't expect him to stop being snotty with me until I do something about MY habit of using sarcasm when I'm frustrated. : Well, actually, just with my oldest, and he's the one who gives it right back.

[BelovedK]

Right on, It's like saying "no TV" when you watch it yourself after they are in bed, or expecting them not to curse when you have a mouth like a sailor (that's one of our problems...gotta watch my mouth : )

[Irishmommy]

I don't think 10yo dd's day is complete if we are not or by bedtime.