constant smart mouthing - Page 2

[maya44]

I too respond as Dar does. [wow there is a first for everything LOL]

Also, I think this is so very NORMAL for a pre-teen girl. Also, have you read "Get out of my life, but first could you take me and Cheryl to the mall."
It talks about the reason for this behavior and I buy its theory that girls do this because they are caught between feelings of wanting to be dependant still and being ashamed of those feelings.

[Dar, its prob way too non-TCS for you, but it has some great insights and it defintitely believes teens should have a voice in things]

[UUMom]

I do think some personalities are more prone to agument than others. My kid who argues the most seems to hate it the most, yet the child cannot shut up. Anything anyone else says to calm him down or to 'reason' with him becomes fodder for more arguing.

Personally, I hate fighting, so I just stand there thinking 'How is this fun? And how can I stop it?" If I say nothing it's over quicker. I am excellent at ignoring things said under the breath, or words spoken as I walk away. The "Good you're gone' thing would have me thinking "Thank god, maybe it's over, if I say nothing". Plus, I think it's good for words to kind of hang and echo in the air for the word-hurler to hear. If we fill in all the quiet spaces, they don't have to focus on their own words, only ours.

[UUMom]

I read Get out of My Life" and it's def not just about girls! I think all teen are caught between independance and needing the security of a parent. I tell my kids it's ok to feel this--that's why childhood is at least 18 yrs long. I told them they can need us for as long as they need us. My nearly 13 yr old is esp worried about this, for some reason. I reassure her that I'm here for as long as she needs me.

I've shared my feelings about being spoken to harshly. That's not the way to communication. I've told my son that I appreciate the huge changes he is experieincing-- he's never been a teen before, but then I remind him that I have never been the mother of a teen. We're all in this together and are trying to be a supportive family. I do think, despite the occassional smart-mouthing, that my teen (and my other kids) gets this.

[mindycat72]

Originally Posted by benjalo

My problem is I can't expect him to stop being snotty with me until I do something about MY habit of using sarcasm when I'm frustrated. : Well, actually, just with my oldest, and he's the one who gives it right back.

Acid tongue here too...

[granolamom]

We have had the same problem here off and on for YEARS....


A few years ago I started tellling the kids what was in my heart when they spoke to me that way...I say something like.." You have the right to be pissed off/bothered by me right now but you do not have the right to hurt me with your words or additude" then I just walk away ..9 out of 10 times they will come find me in a few minutes and act like nothing happened....


Peace

[shell024]

hehe.... guilty...

I was a VERY smart mouthed teen (well...my mom tells me that it never ended! :LOL ).

Coming from me, i was definitely testing out my "conversational and debate" skills. My mom just happened to be the set of ears that my comments would always be thrown at. Maybe the fact that I knew she would still love me no matter what let me think it was okay to talk like that to her. My mom too would sometimes just start laughing when I would just keep running my mouth. I would protest "HOW COULD YOU LAUGHING AT A TIME LIKE THIS???" but then end up laughing with her...and realize how rediculous i did sound. : :LOL

As I don't have a teenager yet, all I can say is to be very patient and use lots of humor. Though I think it is important to be told when what you are saying is NOT appropriate...because a lot of times I wouldn't even realize that I may have hurt my mom's feelings...until after she pointed it out to me.

And those comments like "Good your gone!".... (I think UUMom commented on it...but not sure...) I agree, about letting those words hang in the air. I always had to have the last word, but often when my mom would just ignore me or "let me win" I would feel bad and realize it wasn't worth it to always try and have the last word.

Good luck! I know I was a handful and will probably get my karma down the road (pregnant with my first! )

[Maggi315]

We too have this problem in my house and I can't stand it! it just sets off my button. I really think it is normal, but I also don't think kids should be allowed to get away with it. They do need to learn respect. But, as a pregnant woman with little ones to worry about, I tend to let too much go. If I don't, then I blow up or lose my patience.

One book that really helped me in this area is "backtalk" which i got from the library. It is a very no-nonsense, strict approach, a little too much for me to follow, but it had some very good points and some ideas we follow.

For instance, if my daughter is rude to me in public, either her or I need to leave. I have sent her to sit in the car, or just walked away and left her. And of course, if she asks for something from me a few minutes later, I tell her no.

I tell her I wouldn't tolerate any else treating me like sh*t and making me miserable in my house and I won't tolerate it from her. If she has been rude and upsetting and then wants me to drive her somewhere, I simply tell her no, try again tomorrow. I also send her to her room for disrupting the family-the little ones already pick up on her attitude. I make her practice talking in a more respectful manner when she is unhappy and sometimes I make her run through the whole scene again with me.

Now, if it is a small transgression, everyone is tired or stressed, etc. I tend to just ignore that, let her express herself, but the bigger ones or disruptive ones, get attention.

Goodluck, this is something I deal with daily and I hate it, I just don't feel up to it right now! Parenting is hard no matter how old everyone is!

[tiredmum]

My DD is 13.5 and she too is VERY sassy with me. I too chalk it up to the fact that I am very sarcastic, and a lot of the time I think she is throwing back at me what I have said to her. I think I only see this this because I was raised hearing "treat others how you want to be treated" all the time but then I step back sometimes and think maybe it's me treating her back how she was treating me. I do try to stop, and I can tell you when she does it IT pushes my buttons. I am single and working out of the home, so I am not home much and once I am I sure know I don't like to be sassed, I get enough of it at work...lol I am trying to take baby steps to make things better but I am also hoping its just a stage. I feel for all of you going through this too and I know it will get better as time passes.

[yaM yaM]

Ah, the little mirrors, they be . . . .


Yeah, I'm there.

I was the first-born in my family, just like my dd.
So we get into the head-butting thing sometimes. I find that I have to remind myself that I am The Mother, dammit, and she is The Child!
(So not only does she get sassy with me, she'll actually get sassy with me over how I should go about disciplining her younger brother!!)

But I do like it when I'm in a clear enough head space to stop, breath, and share my feelings with her. If I'm calm and grounded and I tell her how it feels for me when she talks in a rude way, she comes to her senses very fast. It's like she needs a little mindfulness bell to chime and bring her back to her whole self, who is very thoughtful of others' feelings. I also find that being very candid with my feelings helps these situations.

An added bonus is that, when I talk 'feelings' with her, it helps her to become more aware of her own feelings in relationships, as well as the fact that it inspires her to express them in this gentle and straight-forward way, too.
(I over-hear her gently explaining her feelings to ds.)

[lab]

Mine are 8, 10 and 11! I'm in hell!

Just kidding - I just read Dar's post : that said it was common from about ages 9 to 12 and I thought Sheesh! I'm in luck!

I will say that when I mirror their feelings - especially ds11 - I get calmer and so do they. Almost immediately. It really is hard though - when they are being really hateful.

Just today ds11 was screaming how much he hated me. Nice! Anyway, I ignored him and he calmed down in his room. As soon as he calmed he came to me so apologetic. He felt so bad and kept saying he was sorry. I told him it was totally understandable and that I know he didn't mean it. After we talked, he made popcorn for us (his siblings too) and told me he did it because he wanted to make it up to me. Isn't that sweet. What a doll! That's what I hold on to when we are clashing.

I have found that when I try to explain my view and reason with him (so far just the 11 year old - but I can see this happening eventually with all of them - well maybe, they are all different) things just escalate. He will continue to try to get me to agree/reason/give in/say yes/whatever. In those cases, I do what I read on MDC - I tell him I don't like the way he is talking to me and I leave!

[aisraeltax]

i just took a parent class called "active parenting". it was useful and there is also a book.
here is an excerpt. Active Parenting of Teens: Hope and Help for Enjoying the Teen Years As a Family

by Michael Popkin, Ph.D. (1998, Active Parenting, 13.95)
[Check/Credit Card Price...Less 21% = 11.02]

This book provides concrete steps for effectively handling family problems through clear, honest communication and respectful discipline. Special attention is given to today's problems of teen drug use, sexuality, and violence, providing parents with clear prevention guidelines. This book provides hope and help for enjoying the teen years as a family! [7.5” x 9.5”...253 pages]

i thought it was very useful and respectful to both the teenager and the parent.
and i have no financial benefit in this program...just a parent who took the class recently.
Rach