anybody with older sc and a young dc?

[chel]

I have 2 dsd (15 and almost 14yrs). My dd, with Dh, is almost 5yrs. They just don't seem to get along. From what I can tell dd wants to be included in every conversation, game, activity the older 2 are doing, and sometimes it just isn't the right thing for her. Basically she bugs the h@!! out of them. The older 2 have 2 younger siblings, but they mostly bug eachother, so the dsd say their siblings never act like dd towards them. The also believe that being an onlie child is wrong (she's spoiled, which they come out an say but have a hard time with the fact that dd truly doesn't have many toys and such things as what they would expect a spoiled dc to have, unlike their cousin that is an onlie with tons of stuff). I'm well aware of dd's need for attention, even negative attention. Though I feel the dsd aren't use to a mother that is involved with her children (X has always been more concerned with her own social life, plus with 4 kids it's impossible to give as much one-on-one time as my dd gets)

So how does one deal with the age gap. The dsd only spend 2 weeks with us in the summer and I feel dd makes them not enjoy the visit. We were more like the "cool uncle and aunt" before dd. Due to distance, lack of $, and more time, we would camp once a month with the dsd when we were in college. Now Dh has less time to spend with them, though we do manage to do SixFlags ever year, it just doesn't seem as fun!

[rgarlough]

Even thought we're not 'there' yet we do have issues trying to do things as a family like to go theme parks or even family vacations because of the age gap.

DSD is 11.5 and DSS turns 10 this month. Our ds is almost 2, next month anyway. Growing up, my sister was born when I was 10. My family never had the 'problems' that we have with all the kids... I'm not completely sure, but I think part of the problem is that my stepkids got the idea that when they're at dad's, he's supposed to entertain them... : They think we should be going places all the time, like theme parks, movies, shopping etc.

Don't get me wrong, the kids are AWESOME! And 99.9% of the time, all of them get along great and are super helpful with ds. But I think that they have been misled about spending time with dad. Maybe its different with intact families than with blended/step families... I have to remind the older kids all the time that we can't go as a family because Mason's too young...

[chel]

wow ragarlough, we have the same age spread.
Our roughest outing was last year at 6flags. The oldest dsd went with Dh, but the younger one was too afraid of the big rides and was "stuck" with 3yr dd and I. dd was too short for most of the tamer adult rides that dsd wanted to go on and dsd was too tall or too bored with the kiddie rides dd could go on. Plus she wouldn't ride the adult tame rides alone while I waited with dd at the exit2. This year she went with Dh and older sister. I guess the fear of death was better then being stuck in kiddie land!

I so wonder what the difference is with intact families. We have almost 14yrs between oldest and youngest of 4 of my sibling and life was much calmer. I think a big part of my situation is that we rarely see eachother and most of our efforts are put to making sure dsd are happy. Dh often goes out with the dsds while I stay with dd. We don't interact as a family unit. The dsds don't seem to want it and we fear they won't want to visit next time, let alone our big fear that after they are 18 and not somewhat "required" to visit, that they won't. They are already talking about going to college at the local college and still living with their mom, they are currently building a house with suite like living quarters for the girls.

[rgarlough]

We took a family vacation to Disney World in January and ds was 18 months. He was really too young to do much there and I did end up just sitting around with him... I didn't expect him to be able to do much but we wanted to still provide some sort of fun for the older kids before they got too 'old' for Disney. While I don't expect the older kids to cater to their younger brother, I do expect some give and take. They are Dh's kids, not mine so I do expect dh to do things with them. So at Disney, he was the one that went on most of the rides with them. I'm not big into rides anymore now that I get motion sickness from most of them...

We also get worried that the older kids won't want to continue to visit as they get older. But I think we are providing them with a fabulous family environment when they are over. They can clearly see that the world doesn't revolve around them. We may not be the coolest parents around but we love them and provide structure and consistency.

They are currently going through a big transition with their mom and her fiance. Her fiance is finally getting off his bum and remodeling his house to help accomodate the kids. He has an 18 YO son that is moving out to his friends and with their 2 bedroom 1 bathroom house, it has been 'too small' for the fiance to have the ex and the kids there FT. So they've been living with the ex's parents since the divorce.

The ex finally put her foot down and said something needed to be done because if they are ever to be married, the kids need a place to stay other than the living room floor...

We're concerned that once they live at the fiance's FT, that they will either HATE it or LOVE it and it could change our current situation with the every other weekend... We've suggested numerous times that we would take them FT... It is actually EASIER to have them more than less... consistency is the key

[Marlet]

Our age gap isn't that big (DSS is 4 and DD is almost a month) but I thought I'd join in on this one. Is that ok?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

There's only a 5 year gap for us. Dss is 9, and dd 4. The funny thing is, dss is usually so jealous of everything that dd does (no matter how 'young' it is), that he will beg and cry to do whatever she does etc, until we let him do it. I don't think he's interested in being 9 quite yet...

[lplkemc]

My dd is 6 mos, and my dsd is 12 next month. We used to have dsd every other weekend. She moved in with us in April. I am glad she is here. At least she has a permanent home and family now instead of living with her mom sometimes and her grandparents most times.

My poor dsd - has so much baggage. She means so much to her dad and has been spoiled by her family because of the circumstances of her birth (born at 28 weeks). She is physically fine now and is very sensitive, and I believe she has a load of baggage from life after her parents divorce.

She is great with the baby and really tries to help out.

Sorry - dragged on so long.

[Destinye]

We have 20, 18, 15 and 12...and DD 17 mo, we dont see the 20 yr old much but he has an 18 mo old, and DD 18 has a 2 yo DD and comes over to play.

With the 15 and 12 yo it works ok though maybe its cos it is a little bigger age difference. We mostly gear it to them when they are over as they get to spend less time with their Dad, but they are over more than 2 weeks. It is actually easier with DD and them than having them with each other (which we did this past w/e argggh) so I think some of it is just the family dynamic.

The 12 yo had a hard time with it but he is ok now in that regard at least (and may move in with us soon) we try to treat them all the same and definitely play down DD and when they are here do things they would enjoy more.

Its very hard though and all you can do is the best you can do! Maybe ask them what you could do to make it better too and what they would like to do. We try and go on a camping trip with them once or more a year, with or without DD and maybe find something like that which works for all of you and is an adventure as it sounds like they used to like going camping with you before.