I am really in a funk

[samsmamma]

I have always been kind of a moody person (Gemini!), but I don't typically get really down unless I am PMS-y or there is something majorly crappy going on. For this reason, I did suffer PPD with Sam and am very aware and concerned about it for this pregnancy, too.

Well, right now I am in a major funk. I'm not that happy with work, so that is a major major problem. Basically, I'm bored. I just don't have enough to do most of the time. I have discussed this with my boss and she is aware of the situation. Still, this is a job that pays enough that DH can stay home with Sam - and with the Turkey when the Turkey comes - so that is something that seriously needs to be considered. But one thing that is screwy right now is compensation. Annual raises are about to come around and this year looks like the max will be 3%. That doesn't even cover my rent increase. In the meantime, we had a bonus program in place this past fiscal that is not conitnuing next fiscal. So even with my 3% increase, I'll be taking a net loss in my total compensation. Now, my boss agreees that this is unfair - especially considering how hard my group has worked - and is trying to figut for us, but we have no idea what will happen. On one hand, I try to say - well, at least I'm getting something, and every penny counts, and part of the reason they pay us is because work isn't necessarily fun! - but I'm just struggling with it all right now.

So, work has always been important to me as a part of who I am and what I do, and DH never quite understood that and it has always been kind of a point of stress between us (like, why do I take so much of my personal value from work?) BUt this job dissatisfaction has been a major source of burn out recently.

Then, I haven't been feeling great. I'm not having quite an easy time with this pregnancy as i did with Sam. that makes sense - I'm older, I have a toddler to run after, I'm getting bigger faster so fatigue is just setting in, you name it. So after working all day, I'm exhausted. But I get home and DH needs adult attention because he's been taking care of Sam all day, and Sam needs my attention because he hasn't seen me all day, and all I want to do is sit down and go to sleep. I'm exahsuted by 9PM. DH always says I should spend the time with Sam - but what ends up happening then is that I get no time with DH. For like anything. So this is a problem too.

Well, all of this led to a big fight yesterday AM because DH evidently asked me to take something off the couch and I didn't do it fast enough or whatever it was (this is another one of the silly issues) and I lost it, went into the bedroom and started bawling. The whole thing - I'm a terrible mommy, I'ma terrible wife, why am I having another baby, etc etc. Poor Sam has no idea what is wrong with me and just wants to lay down with me and is really upset to see me so upset which of course makes me feel even worse, so DH asks if I'm furious with him and I say yes and he says that he's furious with me too because I have no time for him and I don't pay any attention to him and I am totally self absorbed and I don't listen etc etc, and I'm thinking - man, I'm PREGNANT! Don't you get it? I AM out of it, I AM tired, I AM totally out of balance with everything and I AM hormonal so back off!

We went to a party in NJ - one of DH's friend's son's birthday party. And so I basically just sat there hanging out with Sam - there was really only one other kid his age and he's not familiar with their house or grounds or anything so we were just chilling out together - and I just spent the whole day on the verge of tears. Just sort of thinking about everything and feeling really down and knowing that a lot of it is a hormonal funk becuase I know this feeling so well, and being so so scared about PPD because I just can't go through that again like I did with Sam but already feeling the hormonal depression coming on and eventually I kind of lightened up and it got a bit better but I'm still just feeling really shut down like from everyone. I hardly spoke to a soul yesterday - they must have all thought I was a big snob (well, I like DH's friend and his family but don't necessarily really have much to say to the other people there). Well, in the end, we didn't get home till 11PM, and I have a huge day today with meetings and a work dinner, so I had hoped that we'd get home early, get Sam right to bed and be able to spend some time together, but that didn't work out, and DH understood - I mean, going to bed at 11:30 is really late for me, especially since my body clock is trying to wake me at 5:30 these days (I slept till 7 and just got out of the door on time...I was in slooooooow motion) so he was ok but I still felt bad about it because I know it is important to spend time with him, and as we've talked about he is a scorpio and intimacy is really really critical for him, and then end of it all is that I'm just feeling down, still, today.

I think that probably all spouses have their "issues" and some of th ones with DH and I do recur - like I think he doesn't talk loud enough but he thinks I don't pay attention. We're probably both right. But I think we both kind of feel taken for granted. He told me he feels like I take him for granted and I feel the same way a lot - like i"m out here and I'm working at a job I'm not happy with to support our family, which is growing, and it's getting hard for me to do things around the house, like dishes or bathing Sam, so I need his help - it's not like I'm trying to torture him and give him more to do! (Sorry for the melodrama, I'm jsut not sure exactly how to edit my brain right now). And all I really want is a day to myself. To be able to sleep in as late as I want and do nothing if I want to do nothing or sit around and read if I want to do that.

So then I add to this my own neurotic fear about, gosh, these depressing thoughts can't be good for the baby, so I need to snap out of it, but then I can't because thinking it makes me feel more guilty and everything.

I am so incredibly aware of this pattern of thoughts, that it is hormonal and I want to just snap out of it, but I can't. We had had a big fight when I did have PPD becuase DH didn't understand it and thought I should snap out of it and even though we have discussed it since, I feel scared to bring it up because it makes me feel weak and I know that it shouldn't.

And the worst part is that I don't even have an office where I can shut the door, so I'm sitting here crying in my cube. At least most people are out at a sales meeting today.

Thanks for listening.

[HoneyTree]

Samsmamma, I can totally relate to the feeling-crappy-then-feeling-guilty-about-feeling-crappy cycle. And half the time, even when I do recognize that I feel down for X-Y-and-Z logical reasons, I just don't WANT to climb out of my rut!

I know it's totally trite, but "this, too, shall pass." Nothing -- even hormones -- can keep you down forever!

[*Amy*]

Oh Erica!! It sounds like you are dealing with everything at once right now without seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. After reading through your whole post, I am wondering if you might consider seeing a counselor. This might be a safe place for you to feel that you can express your concerns about PPD, and about how you and DH are struggling right now. The great thing about going to a counselor is that it gives you a safe haven and a sense of support that even friends can't provide sometimes.

Not to say I am going through what you are experiencing right now, but I definitely understand about the whole Scorpio characteristic of needing A LOT of physical intimacy. DH has been understanding but now is obviously getting impatient with my lack of sex drive, and I can't help but feel guilty about not being able to meet his needs. It is really hard, so I can't imagine what it would be like to add a toddler and an unsatisfying job to the mix.

I think you should do whatever you can to get support NOW before the whole thing escalates and you feel even more desperate and depressed. Stop the cycle so that you can be on an even keel before this new babe is born, and potentially avoid PPD again!

[flapjack]

.Me too,sometimes.

[PicnicBear]

Samsmama -- don't have much time to reply right now and my issues are totally different than yours but they seem to be leading to a similar feeling of depair sometimes. I'm in a science field which is almost all men, totally at the higher levels. They say they want to promote women in science but then I get pregnant and it seems like it doesn't even cross anyone's mind that I may be a bit more tired than usual and I don't want to sign up for all these important committments when I am 8 months preg, etc. The people I answer to are really great, but they just don't get that I am so tired and I just got over having a almost one-month long headache. I'm a Gemini, too, BTW.

Things improved for me recently when I started saying no to people and taking time to rest. It sounds like you're really streched so don't know who you can say no to, it sounds like your DH could be helpful in taking some of the pressure off so you can get rest. I have also gotten a lot of rest lately and it has improved things. An example was yesterday we went to the in-laws and I just sat on my ass there. Didn't offer to help with anything. When MIL asked if I wanted to go out to see the garden I just said no, I prefered to continue to sit on the couch. There you go -- catch whatever rest you can!

[PicnicBear]

Another thought -- I have read (don't remember where) that taking Cod Liver Oil throughout pregnancy and after helps with PPD, a lot. Like the people that took it were a lot less likely to suffer from PPD.

[samsmamma]

Thanks - everyone - for responding. I think that even just writing it down helped me get some clarity on things. I also told DH how I was feeling and that I was scared and he told me not to be scared and he was very supportive about me trying to take action to help stave this off.

By action - I called the social worker/therapist that the MWs recommend so that I could just start meeting with her now and then try to be proactive about keeping PPD away. Not to turn this into a whole PPD thread - we can do that another time - but man, did I have it bad. I'm so ticked off about this ridiculous business with Tom Cruise busting Brooke Shields' chops about her PPD. While vitamins may work (and plagio, I'm going to look into the cod liver oil!), sometimes people need more extensive help than that. I was lucky - mine went away after two months. But two awful months that left some big emotional scars. So I'm waiting to hear back from her and see what my insurance will cover etc etc so that I can try to do the right thing.

In the meantime...I just went to the dentist and had one of the most painful cleanings ever. Imay seriously need to take some tylenol.

Again, thanks...

--Erica

[*Amy*]

Erica, I am so glad to hear that you talked to DH and he gave you the support you needed, and that you are looking into seeing a support person.

[Awaken]

Erica,

I so totally hear you. It sounds like you are being pulled in so many directions at once. And feeling bored at work- I can totally relate- I feel so much more unsatisfied and restless when I don't have enough to do or it isn't challenging enough at work. And I"m sure having been though ppd before really worries you about how you're feeling now- good for you for being proactive and doing what you can to help yourself before things spiral too far.

I think it would be great if you did just what you said- take one day to sleep as much as you need to, not feel pressured to do anything or go anywhere. I know you may feel guilty asking dh to do more since he's already home with the babe, but letting you get the rest and downtime you need will help him too since maybe then you can focus on him and your relationship more once your needs are taken care of.

Hugs, hugs, hugs. Let us know how it's going. And yes, let's have a ppd thread - I'm sure several of us will need it.

[gonnabeamom]

Erica,

I just wanted to offer some support. It's seems like you are dealing with a lot and it's so easy to feel overwhelmed. I really identify with what you are going through, though from a couple of different angles. I've had fibro and chronic pain, both of which lead to depression, and the depression makes it harder to do the things that will help you, and it just feels like an endless spiral. Then on top of it the guilt of not being one of those plucky this-illness-will-not-get-me down types.

Also on the job thing, DH had some serious depression, and what I didn't realize that much of it was tied into his hating his job, and feeling trapped there. When he got involved in running and had something else to focus on that helped him, and he was eventually able to get another job and for him the depression cleared up. I don't think I was as patient as I could have been during that time, because I didn't understand why he felt bad. I guess what I am trying to say is that I understand the job situation is a real issue, and not something you are being silly about or should just get over. Frankly if you were a guy, I don't think anyone would find it strange that you got satisfaction and a sense of identity from it.

One of the things that was really hard for me when I was ill, and even now when I have mood swings, is the all or nothing mentality. Either I have a really good reason to be upset, and then I focus on why until I have myself so convinced that I stay miserable for days, or I get into how it's all hormonal and I'm making too much out of things, and I beat myself up about it. Fortunately, I'm able to step out of that trap more often, but I hope you aren't getting stuck there.

I will offer a couple of things that helped me (and I may have mentionned one before). I took a lot of SAMe for a while, which is a supplement that enhance serotonin uptake, I increased my consumption of Omega-3's (which is why cod liver oil is good, so if you can't stand it there are other ways to get it), and I found for me getting out to a park or someplace beautiful took me away from my thoughts. I would also echo what other people said about getting rest, it's just hard to have any sense of proportion when you are tired.

I think it's great that you and DH talked and are talking to someone.

Also on the being worried about the baby, some of the more woo-woo books recommend just talking to the baby about whats going on like "Mom's sad right now because of her job, but I'm really glad you are here, and I'm trying to find a way to work it all out."

I hope some of this helps.

[DreamsInDigital]

Erica, BIG HUGE HUGS for you, sweet mama. Hang in there.

[PicnicBear]

Erica -- glad you are taking some proactive steps to get this resolved. I didn't mean to belittle your PPD by suggesting the cod liver oil -- I know with my headaches sometimes people would say why don't you try "blank" with the suggestions being something like aromatherapy or a shower. I'm like "when it feels like an icepick is being driven through your head you can't even stand in the shower, and if you could, a shower doesn't help". I had a skin infection I was trying to ignore for months (thought it was acne) I finally saw a great, totally mainstream dermatologist, out of network, he does all sorts of things like liposuction and face peels, which is so NOT me at all -- but he put me on antibiotics (something I try to avoid) and it is helping so much -- it was the right thing and sometimes you do need "professional help" even from mainstream medicine, as much as I hate to admit it. Nevertheless, about the CLO, it is also really good for baby's brain development so I take it myself and don't really see a dowside to it. Carlson's Lemon flavor is quite palatable.

Gonnabeamom -- can you tell me a little more about SAMe because I think seratonin issues could be involved with my headache problems. thanks

[samsmamma]

Plagio - I didn't think your comment belittling at all. I had a good talk with the psychotherapist and will see her the last week in June. If we do decide that this is something that requires medical treatment, I am hoping that I can try natural options first. The good thing is that this woman is totally pro-AP, pro-breastfeeding, so if we do decide to take a medical route, I know we will find something that will be safe and ok, so that is good. But hopefully we can handle in other ways. I'll keep everyone posted.