I'm tired of being the babysitter!! - Page 2

[SamI'mNot]

I'm having the exact same issue with my dss and dh. But he's 3. And it's been like this for almost 3 weeks. I can't handle being the babysitter anymore. And my dh told me the same things your so told you. We just had a big fight about it yesterday. I feel like this isn't fair. Nobody asked me if I wanted to give up my life to stay home with him every day (there's a whole long story i just posted here under "dss issues.). And my dh thinks i now resent dh because of this, which is entirely untrue. I love him dearly. I'd give him the clothes off my back, the food from my plate, whatever he asked. It's not his fault. it's dh's fault. i told him he either needs to come spend more time with his son, put him in daycare at least once a week(which we can't afford), or find me some help. He scoffed and told me he "thought i had it under control." Now he thinks i'm inept and spiteful and playing favorites with our dd (6 months). How do you cope? Especially since you kids are older? and that BM controversy? I'm right there with you, but i'm getting it from dss and his mom. I'd love to take my dd and run away for the remaining 5 weeks that dss is here, but i know that won't solve anything. just postpone it. *sigh* what to do, what to do...?

Sorry no advice, but i can just totally relate. I'm feeling what everyone's offering, too.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

On one hand, I'm so sorry others can relate! It's such a sad and hurtful thing to be dealing with. On the other, it helps knowing I'm not alone.

I hate the idea that by speaking up, I may sound like the 'evil step-mother', and I'll even tell SO that, that he must see me as the 'evil step-mother'... But at the same time, I can't just sit and feel myself being over-whelmed, and NOT say anything! How is that helpful to ANYone!?!?

What I don't get is why SO seems to think all my problems/issues are with dss...? My issues are with SO and his lack of understanding, lack of comunicating about this etc. But he ALWAYS gets all bent out of shape going on and on about how I don't like his kid etc... It's frustrating!

[magnoliablue]

I am sorry if what I say hurts, but the truth is, you are involved with a man with a child. This is the choice you made when you entered into that relationship. Likewise, he entered into a relationship with you knowing you also have a child. If the two of you did not understand all this entails, then you may want to rethink whether you are in this relationship for the rest of your life.
My fiance has two sons. One is grown and in college, the other is spending half his summer with us. This means I have another child in addition to my own three in our home. This means more laundry, more food, more of everything I do, plus I work 5 days a week. I have no complaints because I know this is part of my life with my fiance. I knew he had children, likewise he knew I had children, and all that involves.
I think you need to reassess whether this is a relationship you want, because if you plan on a permanent one, and your SO has custody of his son, this means his son is, in effect, YOUR son also, biology has nothing to do with it.
Good luck with this situation.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by magnoliablue

I am sorry if what I say hurts, but the truth is, you are involved with a man with a child. This is the choice you made when you entered into that relationship. Likewise, he entered into a relationship with you knowing you also have a child. If the two of you did not understand all this entails, then you may want to rethink whether you are in this relationship for the rest of your life.
My fiance has two sons. One is grown and in college, the other is spending half his summer with us. This means I have another child in addition to my own three in our home. This means more laundry, more food, more of everything I do, plus I work 5 days a week. I have no complaints because I know this is part of my life with my fiance. I knew he had children, likewise he knew I had children, and all that involves.
I think you need to reassess whether this is a relationship you want, because if you plan on a permanent one, and your SO has custody of his son, this means his son is, in effect, YOUR son also, biology has nothing to do with it.
Good luck with this situation.

I'm sorry, but I think that was very rude of you!

We fully entered into our relationships knowing we each had children. So was it really FAIR to myself or my step-son for my SO to just decide that I'd pretty much be the full-time parent to his child, a child i BARELY KNEW?! Was that fair? And is that honestly a reason to say we should 'reacess our relationship?'

God, thank god my SO didn't end up with YOU. I have patience, and KNOW relationships take time, most especially relationships with children.

I think it would be incredibly cruel to just walk into my step-son's life and say 'I'm the new mom, LISTEN to me'... That's WRONG. We need to develop our relationship first, but we weren't given that chance.

Again, I thank god my step-son didn't end up with someone with your attitude for a step-mom.

[djs_girl517]

Wow, magnoliablue! I think your response was unnecessarily harsh. She said she loves the kid. Becoming a stepmom doesn't mean you magically know how to relate to your stepchild. Having a stepchild in your house means a WHOLE LOT MORE than more laundry and more food! And the fact that she stays home with him all day adds a dynamic that you don't have to deal with. The OP has said she loves her dss and would do anything for him - she just needs more time to adjust to their relationship before being his sole caretaker all day while his dad is at work.

Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom

What I don't get is why SO seems to think all my problems/issues are with dss...? My issues are with SO and his lack of understanding, lack of comunicating about this etc. But he ALWAYS gets all bent out of shape going on and on about how I don't like his kid etc... It's frustrating!

Perhaps it is a communication issue. When I read the first post, I thought that you were saying the problem was that DSS is lazy, irresponsible, and forgetful. After a couple of subsequent posts, I realized that you have nothing against DSS and realize that SO is the problem. Perhaps it is the way you are phrasing your concerns when talking to SO. I'm not in anyway saying you are doing anything wrong, but perhaps SO is so preoccupied with the idea that you may not like his son, that that's all he's hearing?

Maybe start the conversation with "I love DSS, I truly do, but I'm gonna need some help forming a relationship with him. This is what I need you to do...." Maybe try not to mention the problems you have with DSS specifically, just emphasize that by SO expecting you to be a McParent, SO is severely interfering with you and DSS developing a relationship.

If that doesn't get the job done, maybe have him read this thread? I know sometimes when I can't seem to communicate with DH about something, I come here for support and ideas. Somehow I'm usually able to articulate better here than when I'm talking to DH. Once I articulate myself and get some others' input, I have DH read the thread to help him understand where I'm coming from (and that other women can empathize). It usually helps him to understand better and realize that what I'm feeling is normal.

If you like, if SO seemed inclined, you or he could certainly PM me. I'd be happy to share the journey my stepkids and I have gone through to get where we are. My situation is different because we're not custodial, but I think the relationship-building would be very similar. I've also been doing the step-parent thing a little longer. It may help your SO to know that even after 4 years, loving my stepkids to death, we still have issues that are unique to blended families.

[djs_girl517]

One other thing: People always talk about stepkids being a package-deal (which they obviously are), and "you should have known what you were getting into".

How can you possible know what you're getting into with step-parenting, until you're already into it? Did any of you bio-moms honestly know what it was going to be like to be a parent before the baby was born?

[laralou]

Is it possible that she seemed harsh because she is imagining her dc being in the situation that your ss is in: being cared for by someone who resents it? (note I said it=the situation, not him). Because I admit this thread is hard for me to read. If I knew that dh had these feelings on the days when he is caring for our kids (that he wished he could put my ds in daycare but keep his biokids at home), I would leave him.

I do think it is pointless to say you got yourself into this because that doesn't help. What I would advise it that you try to develop a relationship with your ss, so that you can begin to think of him as your child also. Treat him the same as you would your biochild. Doesn't he deserve the same love and attention you shower on your biochild?

[magnoliablue]

Originally Posted by laralou

Is it possible that she seemed harsh because she is imagining her dc being in the situation that your ss is in: being cared for by someone who resents it? (note I said it=the situation, not him). Because I admit this thread is hard for me to read. If I knew that dh had these feelings on the days when he is caring for our kids (that he wished he could put my ds in daycare but keep his biokids at home), I would leave him.

I do think it is pointless to say you got yourself into this because that doesn't help. What I would advise it that you try to develop a relationship with your ss, so that you can begin to think of him as your child also. Treat him the same as you would your biochild. Doesn't he deserve the same love and attention you shower on your biochild?

Thanks,laralou.
That is pretty much what I meant. I am sorry if it came off harsh, but truthfully? I am also a stepmom. I am home with my own kids, and one other child for the next few weeks. It has definitely changed the dynamics of our family and how we do things. But because I consider this child my own, I take on whatever needs taking on. And it is not always easy. He is used to having things one way, I do it differently. But we learn from each other.
And if I knew my dp felt that way it seems you feel in your post, I would have mixed feelings about our relationship. When we met, he knew that my children came first to me always. Therefore, he had to adjust the way he was living his life until that time. This has meant watching my children fomr time to time, cleaning up puke, caring for three children not biologically his. If he resented this? If it was something that he did not do from the heart? I do not know if I could be with him. And no, I do not expect there to be an instantaneous bond between mothers of stepchildren and themselves, but you have to be connected on some level. You have to learn everything you can about this child, and do what it takes to love he or she as your own. And if you can't do this without feeling resentful? Then you need to do whatever it takes to lose that resentment, because a child can sense it, and that would cause more pain than I know I'd ever feel comfortable causing.
As for whether or not your stepson is fortunate to not have me as a stepmom? I am fortunate that my ex's wife, my children's stepmom, told me from the start she would give them all the love in the world as if they were her own, and lived up to those words tenfold. When she is having a difficult time of it, she calls me, and my kids love her. Likewise, my stepsons and I have a great relationship, and we have taken the time to learn about one another, and I have never, ever resented their presence in my dp's life, not for one second. I think that alone speaks for how lucky the children in our own circumstances are.

[Momof9kids]

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[Britishmum]

Originally Posted by laralou

Is it possible that she seemed harsh because she is imagining her dc being in the situation that your ss is in: being cared for by someone who resents it? (note I said it=the situation, not him). Because I admit this thread is hard for me to read. If I knew that dh had these feelings on the days when he is caring for our kids (that he wished he could put my ds in daycare but keep his biokids at home), I would leave him.

I do think it is pointless to say you got yourself into this because that doesn't help. What I would advise it that you try to develop a relationship with your ss, so that you can begin to think of him as your child also. Treat him the same as you would your biochild. Doesn't he deserve the same love and attention you shower on your biochild?

I agree. I also found this hard to read. My heart goes out to the poor little boy - what a tough call for him. I understand it's hard for you - but it's 1000 times harder for dss. Imagine feeling that you are being 'babysat' when all you want is your biomom home with dad. He must surely sense your feelings, even if you dont verbalise them.

Personally, I'd get as creative as I could with plaanning the summer for all of you. Include him, ask him what he wants to do. Crafts, projects, cooking, friends over......If you get busy together it will help his self esteem far more than getting rid of him - and will probably improve your relationship faster than if you hand him off. The last thing he needs is more rejection. And if you act enthusiastic about having him for the summer you will probably start to feel it.

How about trying to inject some humour eg over the toilet flushing eg a silly reminder poster over the basin in the bathroom? Just to remove yourself from 'disciplining' but dealing nicely with behaviours that bug you.

I dont mean my post to sound harsh - but I'd be devastated to think of my own children ever being in this dynamic. 9 is a tough age, but he's still a little boy.

[Flor]

This situation seems to happen a lot and it is so hard on everyone. Dh wants the kids around, gets custody/visitation then goes off to work leaving wife and kids together to bond!
This isn't my situation, but it was dh's situation when he was a child. He'd get shipped to his dad's from the first day of summer to the last and his dad worked the whole time leaving him with stepmom and stepsisters. It is no surprise that when he turned 18 in the middle of the summer, he went home to his mom that day. He has a lot of hard feelings towards his dad about those summers he was made to leave his friends and mom but felt like he never saw his dad once he got there.

[Momof9kids]

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[laralou]

I can't write anything because I would get removed as a mod and kicked off permanently. I am sorry for the innocent children being treated like burdens. Mo9k- your posts make me cry for your stepkids. Yuck. Unsubscribing now.

[djs_girl517]

Really. At the very least, can you stop referring to your stepchildren as "skids"? Please?

[Britishmum]

Poor babies. How awful to be seen as such a burden.

And how shocking to read this here on this board.

Does AP only apply to your own bio-kids? How very, very sad.

And how very sad that your love for your partner does not extend to his innocent children.

Yuck.

[UptownZoo]

This conversation has gotten pretty heated, so I hesitate to step in, but I really want to share my experience with this.

When DH and I got married, we both already had children, and we intended to parent each other's children just as if they were all our own bio-kids. It flat out didn't work. My dh clashed with my ds; I clashed with his. Make no mistake. We both love all the kids in our care. I would sooner chew off my own arm than see my ds hurt in any way, but our relationship just didn't ever have the warm closeness that my relationships with my bio-kids had.

As the only SAHP in the mix (SS's bio mom and DS and DD's bio dad are all re-married), I was the natural choice for care during all non-school hours. We got to the point where my frustration was starting to show, and I DID NOT want that. I did not want to hurt my SS in any way. When we enrolled him at the YMCA for after-school care and for summer day camp, our relationship improved in huge ways. I adore him now for the wonderful child that he is, and I take care of him plenty, but I no longer have to deal with a resentment because of being expected to be the full-time, on-call babysitter.

What I was going to suggest was applying for a scholarship at the YMCA. My older kids go now, too, because we got a half-price scholarship. They all love going because there just aren't any kids in our neighborhood who are home during the day. Legos are fun, but much more fun with a buddy!

Now I keep all three kids home from the Y once or twice a week because we enjoy being together. My stress level is WAY down now, and I'm a much better mom and step-mom because of it.

[boobybunny]

I do not allow my children to go to their bio's when he is at work... he works 12 hour shifts, 8 to 8. His new wife has four other children and I am not willing to put my children through that. I catch quite the flak for that as well. My children are not HER RESPONSIBLITY. If he wants to see his kids, see them when he can spend time with them.

[goddesshope]

It seems as though the only time we ever get to see my husband's son is when his mom wants to go on a date or has errands she wants to run without him.