Dads please help!

[RachelGS]

My husband is a loving, amazing father to his 13 year old son and to our baby daughter. He plays with our daughter and they just delight in each other, but if she's fussy, DH really struggles. If our baby needs to be comforted, fed, or put to sleep, it's all me all the time. He really wants to be able to rock her to sleep and give her an occasional bottle (and give me a break!), but she cries and frets and he becomes very stressed and anxious. He and I are both worried and frustrated by this. I feel like I can't ever leave the house, because I don't know that he'll be able to soothe her if she cries. DH feels sad that our baby doesn't settle well with him. Does anyone out there have any ideas for us?

[Rotifer]

I agree, leave and they'll both learn to deal with it. I never had much of a problem with my son. I do, however, watch my sister's kids once a week. The little one cries on occasion when my sister (or her husband) leaves but it ends fairly quickly once she realizes she's stuck with me - and, of course, I'm a fun dude to be arround.

[Dov]

Trust him. I agree with Yammer & Rotifer, leave the two of them to work it out. Your leaving her with him shows you trust him. Men are conditioned to think they're idiots around kids and it's a total lie. We're every bit as qualified and wired for it (in our own unique fatherly way).

In my experience dw had to give up the she's the only one routine and allow me to find my way into it.... granted she didn't have a choice early on with our dd as hers was the only paycheck at the time. Five years later, dd runs to me when she needs comfort (which does raise other issues with dw, but hey, at least dw doesn't make the mistake of thinking that I can't take care of our dd anymore.)

[Mistangelique]

Thanks!

I just wanted to thank you guys. This was an inspiring thread for me. I've been putting off going out alone for almost 3 months now. Dh has never been alone with ds for more than an hour, and it always started with ds sleeping. TOmorow I'm going to the Y, darn it!

Mist

[tnrsmom]

Can I just tell you how great you guys are? I have never been to this forum before(DUH) but my dh posted on a thread in PaP(under my name, his acct is not activated yet) and I just thought I'd pop over here to see what it was like. Hopefully my dh will join you guys sometime.

[cobluegirl]

I have to agree with what the guys have said. It was really hard for me to leave dh witht he kids and he thought i didn't trust him. I didn't but have learned to by letting him earn that trust by his doing it. I know leave the kids with him all the time. I have to get out or I will go nuts. I don't always approve of how he handles them but they are resilient (sp) and he learns what works and what doesn't. It also gives him a better understanding what I do all day long. 24/7. He learns to appreciate me more. He even told me he had fun once...LOL

[aredee]

Hello fellow Massachusetts parent. I am a father. I suspect your husband will do just fine if you need to leave the house. In the meantime allow him to struggle and support him when he does. This does not mean 'take over' for him, however.
Here's my opinion: despite the fact that the roles of men and women in society have mingled and swapped and overlapped and in many cases reversed, there are things that will likely never change. Like a woman's ability to nurture her child. It just doesn't come naturally to all guys...they're simply not equipped to nurture as well as the mother. And perhaps the child finds more comfort in the mothers arms...?
If your husband is like me then he might have some self-confidence issues. Throwing him to the dogs is not going to help change who he is. He will provide in other ways.
Good luck.

[mamaduck]

I'm not a Dad. Not sure if I'm allowed to contribute?

Just wanted to add 2 thoughts.

1) A plug for the "just leave" idea. They will figure it out. And the best part is that dh will learn to put the baby to sleep!!! It is wonderful for me that dh can put our kids to sleep, because it can be such a long drawn out grueling effort (2x a day). I'm happy that he can help.

2) It is very difficult to care for a breastfed baby who you can't nurse. It doesn't matter what your gender is. If a friend leaves her baby with a girlfriend (and she can't nurse it) she will have as much difficulty as a man would. Men are NOT incompetent with babies by their nature. It very often just a matter of MILK (and boobs.)

[RachelGS]

Yikes, I didn't mean to imply that he's incompetent. I do think there's something to a mother's natural ability to nurture her child, and I also think that I just have waaaaaaayyyy more practice since I am with her all day every day. I have appreciated your responses, though. DH has been spending a lot more time with Abigail, and they are kind of working things out. I think we have a ways to go as far as soothing/calming goes, but we're all making progress. And now I'm able to do really vital things like nap or read or just have a few minutes alone. I'll keep you posted!

[BrooklynDoula]

I work and have a few times week when i can't take our son with me. Duing those times he stays with his dad. It was hard for them at first (8 eeks old) and our son refuses a bottle, which has meant only being gone 2-3 hours at a time as a rule, but a few months later they do great without me and my dh and I are really partners in parenting. Also, since I know I can leave my son if I have to, I don't feel trapped even though I almost never actually leave him for more than 30 minutes. I go for jogs, take baths, do work, etc. and my dh plays with our ds until he wants to nurse and then he bring hom to me.

It wasn't easy right away but it has made sure a difference! He'll learn nd then he'll be so good at in that you'll feel jealous or guilty sometimes because they have such a great time togeher - at least that's hat happened with us!

Megan

[lukemom]

maybe i ought to be inspired by this thread, but i think my situation is a bit different. my son is 2.5 now, but when he was a few months old i went to the hairdresser. i was gone 1 hour & 3 minutes & returned to a crying baby & husband barking, "you're never leaving me w/him again unless you pump!" (i couldn't pump to save my life). life is much easier now, but the reason i'm online at this moment is because i removed myself & cosleeping son to guest room (& computer room) as son was whining loudly, half asleep, & husband's response was to angrily & loudly repeat son's name as though he would make logical, awake & adult descision to be quiet so as not to bother sleeping daddy.
i believe husband suffers from mild/moderate depression & anxiety disorder (nonprofessional opinion) but have never been able to get him to acknowledge/address in any way. if he's home at bedtime, he's asleep before child. child gets rare glimpses of the great guy daddy really is, but mostly if they play together, daddy is staring off into space and answering QUESTIONS w/"Oh!"(you know, the way people respond to a toddler when they have no idea what the kid is saying...). It's heartbreaking to watch. big concern now is that baby #2 is due in 5 months & I'm tired. I try to give extra to make up for daddy's shortcomings.
One last thing-just to clarify picture of hubby's state: If we are discussing something over which he is very stressed, my far more positive outlook is interpeted by him to be lack of understanding. In one of these conversations earlier tonight he implied this." No," I said, there's just no reason to live a life of misery". He said "YES THERE IS. This world stinks."
Anybody got experience w/this kind of situation?

[Rotifer]

Anybody got experience w/this kind of situation?

Yes, your husband needs help. Does he visit a physician with any regularity? You could speak with his doctor. Ideally, you have the type of relationship that would allow you to arrange a family counseling appointment - but I know few men who wouldn't resist this. You will probably have to sit down, tell how much you care about him, and ask him what you can do to help. Don't make it sound like you feel sorry for him or he is doing anything wrong. Good luck.

[lukemom]

thanks for response! little time right now as my pumpkin has awoken from the big 20 min nap (will need another thread for that. anyway, i guess your answer confirms what i know. i need help now w/the approach part as i've already blown it w/very angry attempts to get him to acknowledge and agree to find help.
backing up now is a little tough. and yes, he's extremely resistant-maybe in part due to my not-so-smooth "you suck as a daddy" message. truly, THANKS- strangers are such safe helpers!
p.s. are you a pro & you're gonna bill me?

[Rotifer]

You're welcome. Sharing my experience is how I try to make up for my extended adolescence which, no doubt, ruined a few relationships.

[Rotifer]

Well, I couldn't think of a good word for "self centered jerk" - I don't think you qualify.

[mrmeg]

I just started a new job, just graduated from college, and it's been really hard this first week. And dw is taking 9 hours online and a 5 hour french class at the university. So ds (3mo) and I have about 3 1/2 hours twice a week with the expressed breast milk bottle and us. Before that dw had only left for around about an hour to go shopping or to the grocery store. For me, even though ds and I aren't at the level where I can comfort him as well I think the AP thing is just that ds is not alone, that he's being held by someone familiar, and not abandoned. Sometimes ds can't be calmed down by dw but we feel like as long as he know he's loved and being held he won't suffer to much dammage. ;-)

[theatredad]

mrmeg I feel your situation as I am a SAHD to a 10 month old with dw working a lot of extra hours in the office but having your son with you is a lot better than other options out there.

I ADMIRE YOU


I hope to keep in touch with another SAHD because there just aren't a lot of SAHDS out there.


Happy postinfs


I




Good luck and happy posting

[sephie'sdad]

Our dd is 2 and 1/2 months. I don't know how old your children are but at her age, her mom doesn't really want much time away from her. (Neither do I but I have to work.) I do, however, want some time with just dd alone. Our best method of satisfying this want and helping out mama a bit, is this: At night when she's ready to calm down, I put her in a sling and walk around our neighborhood with her. I LOVE IT!!! I check in after about 20 min. and then often go out for another round. Mama often gets stuff done during that time. Of course, most importantly, dd is never upset about it and she usually falls asleep. That way when I get home she can wake up and eat with mama, then go back to sleep. I accept, respect, and admire mama's ability to feed and comfort the baby. Nature has given her this ability and I, (though sometimes jealous), am in awe of it in the way that I was when I saw her naturally give birth to our child. I love them both like crazy and would not want to interfere with this obviously natural and instinctual way of being which is, in my opinion, in the best interest of us all.

[veganmamma]

Congrats on your first post sephie'sdad I bet mamma is flattered by your awe of her Mothering. Maybe you should cut that 20 min down to 10 so as not to make her **PANIC**!! Thanks for loving your baby so much.
I love you
Lauren is DP to sephie's dad. Don't freak out everyone!

I would say-- don't leave the house at first. Daddies can get kinda panicky after awhile with no signs of calming baby. The Sears also say, "never continue with a failing experiment." Give him some time alone to try to calm her, but when he gets frustrated, it's okay to rescue him- he can, should and wil ask for it. There is no substitute for nursing. It is more thanb food, it is a reliable source of comfort and sometimes it is all babies want. It will take a few weeks probably to get to a point where DH is ready to have time without a rescue. 60 minutes is way too long for a baby to cry-- unless baby has colic. If nothing is working after 20 minutes of Daddy trying, or if nothing he does makes the fussing tone down at all, then I believe it is cruel to the baby to continue to let her cry. Think about where SHE is in all of this. Put yourself in her shoes for a bit, and think how scary it must be to not have mom right there.

Anyway, when all else fails, teach dad how to use the sling. Once dp learned how to use it, it was a great relief. i wasn't the one with the monopoly on putting her to sleep. If she wants to nurse, she will fuss in the sling, if not, she is content. DP loves wearing the baby and now we fight over who gets to do it when we go out. That's my advice. Daddy sling walks work the best for us.

Lauren

[papachee]

hmmm lots to respond to. I agree that starting small is good. My dw went out for 10 minutes after 2 weeks, and it just kept getting longer. Now I'm a SAHD.

I also have trouble imagining someone who is really trying failing at it, but maybe I'm wrong. Nurturing came pretty naturally to me ... house-work was another matter!

The best way for me to get quiet time with DS, started with my voice. DS heard me talking while he was in the womb, I'm pretty sure he knew my voice. I read to him and DW a lot. I was pretty soon able to read him to sleep. Which was a great break for DW, and good that he didn't have to feed to go to sleep every time.

hope this helps