How would you explain it to *your* 4 y.o.?

[KKmama]

Long story short (and I think I may have posted about it here in January or February)... Had a big tussle with the dad of one of T's buddies (kid is named R), and it led to T and R no longer having playdates, though they still attend the same preschool. (R's dad said T had big problems and needed to see a child psych, we vehemently disagreed and tried to communicate with him about his own kid which he couldn't seem to hear, he wanted to have a big ol' 2 family conference with the preschool teachers, but they said that T is perfectly normal and that R's behavior is on a par with T's and that R's dad's perspective is biased and skewed. The whole thing was very stressful and painful.)

Anyway... At the time, we just backed off, didn't say anything to T, and we were relieved that T didn't seem to notice. Now, T's birthday is approaching, and T wants to invite R to the party. We are not going to invite R (we're very clear on that), but we don't quite know how to tell/explain it to T. I don't want to load him down with the baggage of what happened (he's only almost 4!), but an outright lie is not okay, either.

We're thinking of just telling him that Mommy and Daddy are not friends with R's dad anymore, so it would be too difficult to have R (and his parents) there. (But ack, what if T talks about this to R, R's dad when he picks up R, the preschool teacher, etc? He's at an age where he repeats everything he hears.)

FWIW, R is about a week older than T, and I'm certain T won't be invited to R's party (not that we care). So it's not like if T blabs something to them that it will be a surprise. Still...

[HollyBearsMom]

Hmmm tough one. I always approach things from an "honesty is the best policy". I would tell your son the truth in a limited detail, matter of fact way, and in terms that are appropriate for his age.

One thing I jsut thought of: Are you inviting everyone else in the class 'cause if so that makes it even tougher, IMO. If your son is excited he will want talk about the party and regardless of what you think of the dad, the boy will be hurt. If you ask your son to keep the party private and not talk about it he will feel guilty. If he has a reason that makes sense *to him* it might make the situation easier?

[KKmama]

I agree with the "honesty is the best policy" approach--that's the way we'd like to deal with it. But there are varying amounts of the truth we can tell him. He certainly doesn't need to know all the gory details. I don't want to tell him anything that will make him feel bad about himself, R, or even R's dad. As far as I'm concerned, this is between the adults.

We're inviting 3 other kids from the class and a variety of other kids from other parts of our lives. I'm not going to tell him not to talk about the party (I think that would only draw attention to the situation, and hey, he's 4; he has the right to be excited and chatty about his birthday party).

Part of the reason we're trying so hard to figure out what to say is that he's very inquisitive, and he'll definitely ask questions. I really hate giving a "because I said so" type answer.

Ack. The older and smarter they get, the more difficult parenting gets.

[stafl]

honestly? If the problem is with the dad and not the kid, and my kid wanted to invite him, I'd go ahead and invite the kid to the party. Let his dad be the bad guy for not letting him come.
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[KKmama]

Stafl, I'd considered that, but honestly, the whole situation pissed me off so much that I don't want any contact with the dad at all. I don't think it would be a very "honest" way of approaching it in terms of dh and I having to be dishonest about *our* feelings if we were to invite R. (And ye gods, what if they decided to come? I don't want to have *that* anxiety leading up to the party.)

[UUMom]

i wouldn't bother burdening my kid with this adult issue at 3 years of age (or 4). I'd either send the invite and let the dad decide, or i would say later that he wasn't able to come.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by stafl

honestly? If the problem is with the dad and not the kid, and my kid wanted to invite him, I'd go ahead and invite the kid to the party. Let his dad be the bad guy for not letting him come.
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nak, so plz excuse my directness

i'd invite him - the adults should suck it up for the kids' sake, kind of like divorced parents who hate each other. it's not fair to punish the kids cuz of issues between the adults.

[onlyzombiecat]

What if they did come to the party but after this time felt bad about how things went before? Things like that do happen.

I'd invite R since it is your son's birthday and not inviting him takes it out on the kids. It doesn't sound like the kid is a problem for you, just the Dad. If they do come you don't have to be chatty to the parents or start up playdates again.

Honesty is an important lesson, but so is forgiveness and putting your son's feelings first for a few hours on his special day.

[KKmama]

We are not going to invite R (we're very clear on that), but we don't quite know how to tell/explain it to T.

And I stand by that. Honestly, I feel like the dad is a tar baby, and I don't want us to get stuck in a messy/painful situation with him again. Forgiveness is important, but protecting your child from someone who someone who is good at making trouble is more important.

What UUmom said

i wouldn't bother burdening my kid with this adult issue at 3 years of age (or 4).

was what I needed to hear. We just won't discuss it, and if he asks, we'll tell him R couldn't make it.

I really appreciate everyone's perspective. Thank you for listening to me thinking out loud.

[mumto2]

You could also say that you are able to invite x number of children so are inviting those who invited him to their parties. I always make my kids invite back the invitees. Just another idea if that fits with what you've done.