Are you like us?

[ajsmom]

Feeling a biit too unique these days so I was wondering...

We only have relatives babysit but no one lives near so ds has only been sat 6 or so times for never more than 2 hours.

We only watch videos or disks on our tv. We only see commercial tv when we travel. We let him spend lots of time with his cousin watching him play the gentler Mario Nintendo games when we visit. He hasn't played yet...

We don't eat high fructose corn syrup nor hydrogenated oils.

We have never taken ds to a movie theater to see a movie.

We haven't vaccinated ds.

He nursed for 4 1/2 years.

We don't do "time outs" "go to your room" etc....

We haven't taken ds to any major theme parks.

We somehow have very few character toys, just Thomas trains, even though ds knows who they are. We do have Matchbox, John Deere, Caterpillar, Lego...

We unschool.

Right now ds is listening to "Just So Stories" by Rudyard Kipling and reading "Things to Know" by Richard Scarry. I certainly don't feel smug, superior, or special. It's just that after almost 5 years of parenting I find that there are just so many ways our parenting choices are different from family and friends.

Am I swimming upstream? As ds learns more about the world how will we manage the computer, the computerized games, the media exposure (he already likes to read the newspaper and asks endless questions), the neon snacks, and all the toys in the world? HELP!

I'll go to the beach now and try to chill...........

[DomesticOverlord]

I only have relatives babysit my kids.

I limit tv to dvds and comercial free channels like PBS and Playhouse Disney (though my dh is obsessed with Teen Titans and so Vincent gets that one commercial ridden show : ).

We have never taken him to a movie, and won't for several more years.

We also have very few character toys.

Right now we are reading The Princess Bride as it fits into the theme of Dragons, Dreams, and Daring Deeds that is our public library's summer reading program.

We also grapple with the media and computer stuff. I don't want my kids to grow up with "the wants" or "the gimmies" that commercials can create.

[Denise K]

Your post pretty much describes us. Except we have grandparents nearby, so DS spends lots of time with them, which is awesome. Sometimes I feel bad because he can't deal with childcare--like at church, or during a meeting--and he's almost 4.... And then I figure, well, everybody's kids get a different package, his has grandparents. And we don't even do videos much, except if we're sick.

Since we have a lot in common as far as choices go, you might like my 2 favorite parenting books. I mean REALLY favorite, like, they make a huge difference.
Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen (make sure it's that author)
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey (I know, dumb title--ignore the title)

I find I can learn a lot from some of the parents I know who don't do things "my way" though. It takes translation, but I know some really wise moms who have been doing it longer. I get a lot from talking with them.

the hardest one is planning to homeschool/unschool--not sure where we'll end up on that spectrum.... I have to be careful how and with whom I start that conversation, it sets off all kinds of touchy spots in people's parenting guilt. Oh well....I do have a couple of friends who are about as eccentric as we are--and whose kids are DS's age--so we don't feel so isolated.

[UnschoolnMa]

Well we are like you in that we unschool.

[Peanuts_Fan]

I have no problem with most of your decisions; after all, it's a free country. I would favor putting ds in a school once he reaches kindergarten to help socialize him.
The one thing that I strongly oppose about what you said is that you haven't vaccinated him yet. That is something that should be done sooner than later for his own health. I don't mean to scare you, but do you really want him catching some awful disease which could be prevented?

[chefkath]

I know what you mean about feeling too unique! We have a few friends who share our lifestyle but we're acutely aware of being out of the mainstream. But I'm OK with that, most of the time. I remind myself that the most important thing is to be the change I want to see in the world, KWIM?

We are lucky to have good friends whom we trust to babysit our kids, so we do go out once every couple of months. And we vaccinate. Other than that, yes - we're a lot like you. We've never owned a licensed character toy. We don't have a TV and our kids have never seen a movie. They adore books and we read together 2+ hours a day. We don't use consequences (punishment or rewards). We're planning to homeschool, though we're not certain about unschooling yet.

As for all the temptations out there - the media, the neon snacks, the computer games - I don't want to raise the kids in a bubble, and I don't believe I can (or should) protect or isolate them from all these things. I try to take it all one-battle-at-a-time and find the learning opportunity in each moment. DD is always amazing me, anyways. She had a chance to play a computer game at the library last week, and after 2 minutes pronouced it "boring" and went to read a book. She had a chance to eat candy at a birthday party last weekend and she told me it was "too sweet" and gave it away. So I put faith in the kids to make wise choices, and I hope that insofar as I consistently live according to my values they'll be moved to adopt them along the way.

Best of luck to you. I know it can feel discouraging sometimes. I know for me, if I need motivation I go back and read "Dumbing Us Down" or "Consuming Kids" and I'm reminded why I've made the choices I have.

[ajsmom]

Denise - thanks for the book suggestions. I've read "Easy to Love..." and yes it has a bad title and a really bad picture on the cover but what a great book! I'll check out "Playful Parenting" since this really works with ds.

Peanuts Fan - I am so grateful for your post because it reminds me of all the folks who question our choices and to review why we decided not to vaccinate and did choose homeschooling.

Kathleen- Ds is becoming very aware of when he is being sold something these days. He watched cable tv on a long visit to relatives this month. I explained how Animal Planet has to have commercials (PBS too) to pay for the programs. We would guess during each one what product was being sold and it was so funny sometimes to figure out what was actually for sale because it often was very different from what we were seing on the screen.

Today was a crack up because ds wants to learn how the solar system was formed so we borrowed, what I thought would be, a really cool video series. Turns out it was a UC Berkeley professor lecturing about how solar systems formed. There were some diagrams and ds actually wanted to watch it for almost 10 minutes. I sat there defining new words and terms (it was a college course) and then suggested we find another library video about this subject. He agreed. Whew! I hope we watch it again in about 10 years!

One thing I am realizing is that our children mature and some topics and ideas we didn't think we could present easily are just fine. War, battle, weapons, etc were not in our world six months ago but now ds is completely assimilating the whole deal. We do not plan to have weapons in our house (OK we bought a dolphin water pistol, very whimpy too I might add) but ds turns EVERYTHING into a weapon and has told me "you can turn anything into a weapon" many times. At first I was so mortified! My baby! and now it's just not a big deal. He is obsessed with this the same way he was about trains, heavy equipment, animals, planets...

[Kirsten]

Nope, doesn't sound like we have much in common (from the list that you gave). I selectively vax on a slow schedule - that is the closest I come I think. Just today I was reading "The Unofficial Guide to Disneyland" as we are due to go again next year. :LOL

Everyone does what they think is best. You will figure it out as you go, just as we all do. There are actually a ton of great, educational computer games - we especially like stuff by Edmark, like Trudy's Time & Place House. The Madeleine cd-roms we bought many years ago are really neat - you can choose to do each level in one of three languages.

It is interesting for me - as IRL I am considered quite alternative in many things, but here on MDC I'm "conservative" - thought it hurts me to type that!

[ajsmom]

Kirsten I am so glad you posted. I don't think you seem anymore conservative than lots of posters here. I love that you chose your vaxing selectively! Ds spells words on the Bob the Builder website even though we have no idea what the show is about and I am curious to learn how you portion out computer time. I know this will become more of an issue for us.

My sister and I are in different political worlds, we have very different TV and computer game philosophies but we focus on our shared interests and it always serves us well. I hope I always find that here too. Thank you.

[MrsMoe]

On some things yes, others no.

We are given only one childhood, make it precious is my motto.

I simply do my best, and I am sure I will make mistakes along the way. Personally, I think everyone should experience all there is in life, even more so as a kid. I would hate to deny my kid a trip to Disney because I think Disney is a corporate whore. My kid only sees fun, and that is what life is all about as a child, fun.

My little girl plays videogames on the weekend, and she is the cutest when she can kick my rear end in Mario Cart. Thier are benefits also, because it is good for hand to eye coordination. he he

Why are toys a sin? Why are cartoons a sin? Why is an amusement park a sin? Isn't buying into any sort of ideal buying into another man's hype? We all sell out, one way or another. When we buy furniture, or buy a car, or pay taxes, wear clothes, or live in a house, spend money at a commerical bookstore, we are selling out. If we were truly going back to our roots and being earthy, we would refuse any mode of advanced transportation - because it uses the earth's natural resources. We would make our own clothes and grow our own food and make our own toys from wood from trees we grow ourselves. In fact, maybe we would be better off living in a cabin in Alsaka without electricity? Where do you draw the line? Why say yes to this and no to that?

I am a middle of the road person. I honestly think some things can be overdone, I want my child to live a full life because to be frank, I didn't. My grandparents were extremely religious and I was denied many things growing up. I would hate to repeat thier mistakes.

I want Emma to look back and say, I loved being a kid. I got to do it all, feel it all, experience it all.

[stafl]

Originally Posted by Peanuts_Fan

I have no problem with most of your decisions; after all, it's a free country. I would favor putting ds in a school once he reaches kindergarten to help socialize him.
The one thing that I strongly oppose about what you said is that you haven't vaccinated him yet. That is something that should be done sooner than later for his own health. I don't mean to scare you, but do you really want him catching some awful disease which could be prevented?

welcome to MDC! Check out some of the other forums here. In particular the learning at home forum, and the vaccination forum. There are many very good reasons for doing things the way the OP chooses to raise her kids, and very few arguments that hold water against those things. Check it out, you might learn some things about us MDC mamas, and about yourself.
I, for one, homeschool my kids and they have no problem with socialization. Actually, it's the opposite. Their friends in public school have more problems socializing because they are stuck in a classroom full of kids their same age all day long every day while my kids are interacting with kids of all ages in our homeschool group, and with adults when we go places like the zoo and aquarium and grocery store. As for vaccinations, have you ever read a patient info sheet or package insert on the drugs you are letting them inject into your child's body? The vaccines are much more likely to cause health problems than the (usually very rare) diseases they claim to prevent.

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

Nope, doesn't sound like we have much in common (from the list that you gave). I selectively vax on a slow schedule - that is the closest I come I think. Just today I was reading "The Unofficial Guide to Disneyland" as we are due to go again next year. :LOL

I am more like the poster above.

DS has had all of his vaccines.
We are getting ready for Disney World and Disney Cruise
He watches TV (PBS, Disney Channel, Cartoon Network)
He will go to Theme Parks
He will have toys to play with (even plastic ones)
He will go to the movies(only kid ones) (Dh and I and are movie fanatics)
We haven't had to do time outs yet but we will as he gets a little older, but they will be gently
He starts Montessori School next Fall (age 3.5)
We read to him nightly as part of our bedtime routine

Whew! I guess we don't have much in common, but that's okay too!

[kazmir]

Hey Rebecca!

I believe you are doing a great job with DS, he's a great kid. I am more mainstream than you in a lot of ways but I know we agree on the basics- Respect, nurture and enjoy life!

With our DD and now DS we have

Delayed vacs and selectively vac
DD is in pre-school and will attend kintergarden in the fall, but we do not hesitate to go on family trips and excursions during and outside of school. And I am going to the PTA meetings so get my voice heard. We have a good school here already. DS is in daycare part time so I can work and get healthcare for us.
DD knows what is out there as far as toys, we have polly pockets, barbies and ponies. We also have soccer balls, jumpropes and sticks and shells.
DD watches videos/discs and PBS. She hates commercials and turns off the TV if they come on during a show or wants to watch something else
We limit TV time to 1 hr a day with at least 2 no TV days a week, it usually works out to more tho.

DD has been to kid movies and likes the whole adventure of going, she's been to the boardwalk and will be going to Disneyland when DS is ready to enjoy it too. Our favorite place to go is the park and the beach right now.

We nursed til DD was 2.5 and DS is planning on doing the same


We watch what DD eats but she does like candy and we have to limit that and I avoid food coloring as much as we can. As a family we don't do hydrogenated oils so thats a given!

Good Discussion!

PS Thanks for the great Beach BBQ the other nite!

[maya44]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

Nope, doesn't sound like we have much in common (from the list that you gave). I selectively vax on a slow schedule - that is the closest I come I think. Just today I was reading "The Unofficial Guide to Disneyland" as we are due to go again next year. :LOL

Everyone does what they think is best. You will figure it out as you go, just as we all do. There are actually a ton of great, educational computer games - we especially like stuff by Edmark, like Trudy's Time & Place House. The Madeleine cd-roms we bought many years ago are really neat - you can choose to do each level in one of three languages.

It is interesting for me - as IRL I am considered quite alternative in many things, but here on MDC I'm "conservative" - thought it hurts me to type that!

Oh, Oh, Oh me too!!!!!!!!!

IRL, I am considered alternative for not punishing and "allowing" swearing and not making my kids eat anything they don't want yet still always giving them dessert etc...

BUT we strongly believe in vaxing, don't co-sleep, don't TCS, your free time is just that, so other than monitoring for violent/overly sexual content, we allow "unlimited" media access (once your responsibilites have been met).

Oh, and WE LOVE Disney World!!!!

[ajsmom]

I am loving this thread because whenever one of you posts how you aren't like us I find things you do that we do too.

I think the one thing we all do is think about our choices first. Not lots of deep soul searching needed but just to stop for a moment and consider what we are doing.

When I was pregnant 6 years ago I had never heard of Mothering Magazine and this site was very new once I found it. I had already planned not to vax or circ and was planning to homeschool. I am not adverse to characters, ds grew up on Beatrix Potter, Pooh and others. We will go to the movies and theme parks but at a slower pace perhaps. And we have WAY too many plastic toys!

Mrs Moe - I love what you said about childhood being so precious. I think that it is too and ds loves all the simple childhood things so much that is part of the reason we are waiting for the theme parks, video games, movies, etc. He watched PBS when he was little but we couldn't afford cable and have no reception so we end up with library stuff. He only now likes to watch fictional stories, he mostly likes construction, trains, animal behavior and the Yoga Kids video.

New Mommy - We have always read to ds before bed. He loves it. It's such a gift for children to have a parent read to them. About time outs, we don't send ds to a separate place for a time out. But we will remove him from the situation temporarily or completely if he doesn't correct the behavior. I guess we all take the time out together like a team does when they need a break to retrain or strategize.

Kazmir - I had a relaxing time at the BBQ Friday partly because of the way you parent your dd, thanks! OK the wine was nice too... what a treasure you are.

I have always said that ds would have to beg me to go to Disneyland, meaning when it is the most important thing to him, we'll go. Dh and have never been theme park folks which is partly why we haven't done it yet. We went to the local theme park Bonfante Gardens and ds would only ride the tamest things which is the other reason we wait. He is in no hurry so neither are we. He loves train rides, train and plane travel so that's what we do.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by ajsmom

I am curious to learn how you portion out computer time. I know this will become more of an issue for us.

My girls are 8, 4 and 2. The baby doesn't go on the computer yet but the other two love it. Managing computer time hasn't really been an issue for us - they seem to do it pretty well themselves. There are two of them, they take turns, one will decide she'd rather ride her bike than watch her sister on the computer - or it is time for dinner, bath, the phone rings and she runs to answer it, etc. They are MUCH better at being on here a reasonable amount of time than I am!!! :

And I must comment on how truly nice this thread is! Sometimes threads can really get a feel of "I'm better than you" or "we have nothing in common so no need to talk", etc. I'm loving how everyone here is stating their opinion while being so respectful of everyone else's! Love, love, love it!

[PancakeGoddess]

Originally Posted by stafl

welcome to MDC!

:LOL

eta, sorry, that was probably not meant to be funny, but it just struck me as funny

[mom2threenurslings]

We only have relatives babysit...except for our 17 year old babysitter who I practically raised, so is like family!

We watch DVDs/videos and some PBS (don't have cable and don't watch commercial TV) and tv time is very limited.

We avoid high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils as much as possible...still working on dh in that area!

Having evolved as parents over the years, we went from vaccinating to selective/delayed vaccination and now to no vax.

First ds nursed for 5 years (self-weaned). I'm currently tandem nursing my almost-5 year old ds and my 3 year old dd and am 27.5 weeks pregnant. I'm assuming I'll be triandem nursing again in September (I triandem nursed my first three for over 18 months). We believe in child-led weaning.

Not many character toys/clothes - and the ones they have (hand-me-downs / gifts) they usually have no idea who the characters are!

We life-school.

My kids have watched their (very mainstream) cousins play video games and play the "racing game" sometimes when we're at their house, which isn't often. They do like to use the computer to explore topics of interest and do have several games. They each have very limited computer time as well.

We try to be outside as much as possible.

We believe in natural childbirth.

We cosleep.

We wear our babies/toddlers.

We don't believe in CIO, spanking, etc.

We believe in gentle discipline.

My kids prefer reading, playing outdoors, going to a museum or science center, going to the park, baking, playing a cooperative game, playing chess, etc. to tv and computer time.

[Patchfire]

I feel a bit too unique a lot of the time too.

We only let family watch dd - in fact, only my parents. I once made the mistake of letting SIL watch her; I listen to my gut more now.

I watch commercial tv. Dh watches commercial tv. Dd does not; she watches some DVDs and videos. Ds does not watch tv at all!

We're slowly eliminating high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils.

Dd is partially vax'd. Ds will either be delayed & selectively vax'd, or not at all. Still haven't decided (though the 'not at all' option is looking more like the road we'll choose).

Dd is 'still' nursing at almost-five.

We don't do time-outs either. Even if we did, they wouldn't work; dd is an introvert just like me. "Time alone? Without anyone bothering me? Sign me up!"

I love Disney World. So does dd.

Character toys... I don't know. We have Care Bears & My Little Ponies, which started out as character toys, when I was little, but dd has them because, well, I had them. Dd is vaguely aware that there are Care Bears 'movies' but not at all aware about My Little Pony.

We homeschool, but here's where I feel odd in this community - we use & follow a curriculum, and we plan on a fairly rigorous one, at that.

Dd is obsessed with a book of tongue twisters right now (we've read it more times than I care to count! :LOL ), and we're reading Little Women and she & dh are reading - something? at night. It was Alice in Wonderland, but dd said yesterday that they've finished that now.

I won't let dh read Harry Potter to her at night, though - I want they privilege of introducing her to Harry!

We don't let dd use the computer at all, and I don't have any plans to let her anytime soon. She's just not interested. My cousin (6 y.o.) has a Gameboy that she got for Christmas and always wants to show it to dd and teach her how to play. Dd just doesn't care, doesn't want to. I admit it makes me glad that I don't have to confront that issue head-on.

Most people that I know IRL know that I'm a 'little strange' - homebirth, 'extended' breastfeeding, homeschooling - but I guess you'd say I try not to make my differences too obvious. Sometime I'd love to 'let my hair down' so to speak.

[mainstreetmama]

Uh...I guess we used to be like you.

First kid, i was so careful about every experience that he encountered -- I couldn't have done anything differently at the time, it just seemed right to hold him all the time, to be with him all the time. Sometimes other parents would try to get me to see other perspectives -- But our attachment (mom & child) wasn't a strategy, it just was -- and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

But...I'm not absolutely sure it was the best thing for my son! He's 13 now, the oldest of four, and he still feels completely sure of his place at the center of the universe...only there's often times when that's not appropriate.

Anyway, I really got on here to say that as I've mostly shifted from one column to the other (we had domino's for dinner), I'm irrevocably committed to breastfeeding and home birth and the family bed -- they still form the core of my mothering. And even moving from SAHM to work-a-holic, I still find most connection in the AP community -- just find that I fall short of that ideal these days.

The other kind of mom I'd like to be (definately not AP) is the kind that let the kids have their free time be free, with open access to the media, junk food, etc. so that the kids can develop their own self control. But alas, I can't give up that control -- we've gotten rid of the TV (years ago) and don't keep sweets in the house. That just means we have to out for ice cream. Good thing we live on Main Street.

Off topic, my kids are in the backyard (where they never ever go...why?), in the dark, and have turned two little tyke's playscapes into a shrine to artemis with incense and flower petals, and my 8-year old just raided a goody bag from a recent party to use the bazooka gum and candy dots as a sacrificial offering. So sometimes, they do make me proud.

I try to count the successful moments, since there are so many times when I feel I've failed them!

Best,
-main street mama