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"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Page 6

post #101 of 182
tie-dyed,

It is so sad to feel comfort from hearing that someone else's mom had the same syndrome or whatever it is. My mom has been a fabulous writer, and made huge effort as my sister and i were growing up to do really over the top special things for us, from time to time - but as I was reminiscing with DH the other day, holidays at our house usually meant crying. Isn't that shitty? Like, the proper way to have Thanksgiving was 1. make lentil soup for everyone and talk about poverty (this with elementary age kids! and protests from us were met with RAGE) - or - blow it out and be such a freak by dinnertime that no one feels like eating anymore (met with RAGE). After posting last night I am thinking I need to step up my therapy sessions for a while, money be damned. I am still so fucking angry with her, and now she is getting increasingly dependent, and I really don't feel like helping her out much, for some reason.

Anyhow. Maybe I should start another thread here, but the point is, you have my sympathy and thank you for yours, now what. Tie-dyed, how do you deal with yours now? Has it affected your parenting choices?
post #102 of 182
Yep, waiting here too.

Sorry to see so many of you all.

Pat
post #103 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeymimi
tie-dyed,
Anyhow. Maybe I should start another thread here, but the point is, you have my sympathy and thank you for yours, now what. Tie-dyed, how do you deal with yours now? Has it affected your parenting choices?
Well, I'm expecting my first in mid-May so i dunno about parenting choices yet. I have had kids living in my house and while to an extent I've inherited my mother's temper, I am always very careful around children. Haven't yet yelled at kids, and when i get upset at DH we always make sure to calm right down and then to ber very affectionate in front of the kids so they know that everything is ok. If I have to be stern with the dog or something I explain to her that sometimes yu have to talk like that to animals to make sure they understand you're mad, but that you're really only pretending to be mad and it's ok.

I hardly deal with my mother at all. She adopted a new religion just before she started her family, and my siblings and I were raised in this very strict faith. I've since reverted to a variant of the faith her family was originally and i've been more or less disowned as a result.

My mother's mother and sisters are all very supportive of DH and me. Theyve been convinced for the past 30 years that she joined this religion mostly because it so demonstrative and all-encompassing and therefore caters to her dramatic tendencies. She and my dad will still speak to me on occassion, but only with the understanding that it is impossible for someone to be fully sane and yet leave the faith. So my parents only speak to me with the understanding that I am insane. Two of my three siblings willnot speak to me at all.

I'm not sure if being semi-cut off is better or worse that being in either full communication of completely cut off. It is easier than dealing with her on a daily basis, but it kind of hurts cuz well, sometime sI just want my mommy and I can't ever let my guard down.

I guess one way I know it will affect my parenting choices is that nothing will ever be bad enough for me set conditions on my love for my children. Certainly not religion. I'm very attached to my faith, but if my kids want to follow another one that is up to them. Kind of my grandma's philosophy. too bad it didn't get through to her daughter.
post #104 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by tie-dyed
I'm not sure if being semi-cut off is better or worse that being in either full communication of completely cut off. It is easier than dealing with her on a daily basis, but it kind of hurts cuz well, sometime sI just want my mommy and I can't ever let my guard down.
This is where I am as well, in terms of communication. I have high, tight, high boundaries with her. Sometimes it really hurts that it has to be that way, but I have learned through trial and error that is does indeed have to. Particularly painful when she says, "you know, you can always come to me, I am here for you" and I feel so deeply that this is not true. I wish I had a true mother. I guess my friends are part of a mother, my dear therapist is part of a mother, and I have to be my own mother. I have wondered how I will feel when she dies, and when that will be.

The most important thing at this point is to protect my child. Ironically, my mother actually did a decent job of protecting me from her parents. Hopefully the cycle can end with me - i.e., my children don't feel the need to protect my grandchildren from me. Perhaps this is my task in life.
post #105 of 182
Oh.my.goodness...I had no idea this thread existed! I too, am not able to join the board yet but I need to in a very bad way. I have enough time, but im a few down posts shy. I dont have time to get into my reasons yet because i have dinner on the stove, a sick child, a rambunshx ds and a nursling hollaring at me to eat...but i am subscribing to this thread and I will be back.
post #106 of 182
welcome to the thread - here we are!! Come back and talk when you can...
post #107 of 182
Hope everyone is well!
post #108 of 182

Is there anybody out there???

Wondering where everyone's been.

About 3 weeks ago I had a flashback...something I didn't even remember that had happened, and since then I've been really out of sorts and very protective over ds(4). Ugh. But now it's final. Whereas if we lived closer I may have considered leaving ds alone with my mother while I ran to the grocery store or something, I now know there is no way in heaven, hell or on this earth I'll ever let her spend one minute alone with him.

Come back, Ladies!
post #109 of 182
Hello there,
I am new to this thread. My mother was verbally and physically abusive to me, my father is schizophrenic and didn't spend much time with us growing up. I have such fear of becoming her.....I hear her in my voice and sometimes I see her in my hands. I try and keep my head together and stay aware.
The love I have for my little girl keeps me going
post #110 of 182

I lost it (long vent)

Hi warrior mama. Welcome, though I'm sad that you have to be here.

So last night I had a major episode with ds. H was just being...so...Ugh. It started out with him banging into me on purpose while we were out to eat. Then when we left he refused to get up. He just decided the middle of the floor was a good place to collapse. So I told him he wasn't being safe and he needed to get up. Nope. I told him he could stand up and walk or i'd carry him. No again. So I carried him. He kicked and screamed for me to put him down, so I did. And he sat IN THE PARKING LOT with cars coming and going. Needless to say I picked him up and put him in the car. As I'm buckling him he starts pulling my hair with his teeth (I mean wtf????) and then he hits me. So I grab his hand and push it away from me and it hits his face. I get in the car and he starts hitting the window, kicking the seat, the door, yelling...full blown meltdown. DH gets him in the tub and calmed down, but he starts up again when it's time to brush his teeth. After he's done with his teeth he continues his tantruming for another hour. Refuses to get dressed, yelling, crying, doesn't want to be held or huggged, doesn't want me there but won't let me leave. And I lost it. I started yelling. Really really yelling at him. He told me to stop yelling and I said if he was going to yell at me i'd yell at him too. That If he was mean, I was going to be mean. (god, this is horrifying to admit) and that "I don't like to be near people who hurt me". Again DH stepped in, got the situation calmed down and got him to get dressed. I opened his door and heard him and ds talking. Ds was saying that I hit him (I've never hit him. His hand hit his face) and that I hurt his feelings by yelling and ignoring him. Dh suggested he "tell mom how you feel" and ds said "No. I don't want to be with my mom." Dh suggested he go hug me and he said "I don't want to hug her. I don't want to be with her" So there I am, standing in his doorway, crying because I've just done serious emotional damage to my beautiful 4 year old kid. I came in and asked him to look at me. He refused. I told him that I wasn't going to make him hug me. That I'm very sorry i got so mad and yelled, and that was wrong of me. I reminded him that I love him very very much and that I would never try to hurt him. "Yeah, mom. You shouldn't have yelled at me." We got things smoothed over but I feel like I'm about 1 inch tall.

And through that whole hour and a half episode, I felt JUST LIKE MY MOTHER. No, I did not beat the crap out of him and tell him he was a mistake that ruined my life. But my actions said it. I work soooo hard to be a kind and fun mom. I use gentle dicipline, we talk, we never hit. I let him make choices and we compromise. I try every day to make sure he feels valued and loved. But in under two hours I've undone 4 years worth of work.

I guess I'm feeling like the apple really doesn't fall very far from the tree after all.

Thanks for letting me vent this.
post #111 of 182
Mama ((( hugs))))

I feel like my mother lives inside me sometimes. I feel as if she's my demon. On those days, I also feel like I havent' made ANY progress at all.

Right now I'm trying to work out if I should write my parents an email. I keep starting it, then I lose courage and stop. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Apparently, I'm still afraid of something, even though they are thousands of miles away and I'm 34 years old.

Part of the problem is that my sane DH, who is the product of a sane, stable environment wants us to keep up the facade for the sake of our daughter. Since we don't have to see them and barely speak to them, he can't see the big deal. And in his world, he's right. Unfortunately in mine, even having a civil conversation with them feels like selling doughnuts to strangers while trying to hold back a river of shit with one hand. I'm so angry. I keep thinking: why do they deserve a relationship with me, after all that happened? Why should I give them the time of day?

So yeah, count me in as waiting for Surving Abuse. I'm aiming for 2010. ar ar.
post #112 of 182
Not joining the thread just stopping by to say:
((((((((((hugs to all of you)))))))))))

Since I know the abuse forum is quite personal, I'm not reading your stories, I just know that if you are waiting to enter that forum you must have faced difficult things.

When you do get into the abuse forum, please let the ladies there know that I think of them whenever I see the title and wish them healing as I wish it for all of you.
post #113 of 182
Thank you for the hugs, Tapioca.

It must really suck for your dh to just not get it. Mine tries to be supportive, but he doesn't always get the burning nature of my emotions. I guess if you've never been through it, you can't possibly understand. I recently had a flashback of some early sexual abuse and I flipped out. My husband just didn't know what to do at all so he told me to have a glass of water and get in the car so we could get to the movies in time to see curioius george. I'm learning that as far as he is concerned, I have to spell out exactly what it is I need. I got in the car, but what I should have said was something like "I'm having a tough time with this thing that just popped up and I need some time alone. Why don't you take ds to the movies so I can process this." But instead, I was in that abused little girl mode. That mode that tells you Smile and act like nothing happened. Get in the car and whatever you do DON'T ruin anyone's day.

I understand being afraid of even speaking to my mom. There's a part of me that wants nothing more than a relationship with her, but at the same time, I'm so grateful that we're so far apart because she tends to suck me in, make me the bad guy and make me feel like I don't deserve her or anyone else's love. As far as "keeping up the facade" I don't know what to say. It sounds like you're pretty sure you don't want her to have any influence over your daughter (which I get), so maybe you could try to set up firm boundaries. And let your dh know that it is YOUR past and by him insisting that you make nice he's devaluing your emotions and experiences. This is very much your experience and he has no right to demand that you foster a relationship between your dd and mother. He doesn't have to understand the hurt you feel and felt, but he does have to understand that you are entitled to feel your emotions and that you are bound to keep yourself and daughter safe.

Perhaps you could write your parents a letter and get it all out, but sit on it for a while. Sometimes just saying your piece is more important than saying it to them directly. I've written many many letters to my mother over the years and I've never sent any of them. I've kept some and re-read them when people questioned my anger, and I've made a ritual of burning the letters and letting go of her. I'm glad I've never sent them, because they would have just been used against me "Ohhhh Poor me! My daughter doesn't love me. I guess I'm not allowed to be human and make mistakes!" It's taken a lot of years but i've finally come to a place where I can be crystal clear in my expectations of her. She can choose to comply or not, but she knows that non-compliance means no contact with her only grandchild. I'm sure she talks crap about me for that, but I don't give a damn. My job is two fold...To protect myself and my child from her abuse and harmful influence. Those are your jobs, too. How your dh feels about that is really...well, a non-issue.

Good luck, and HUGS,
rigama
post #114 of 182
Also waiting to join SA. Just reading this thread makes my heart pound.
post #115 of 182
rigama and tapioca - hugs to you both
I agree that it is hard for partners to understand. If I ever bring up stuff with my dh he's sympathetic but it usually goes the way of 'put it behind you', 'move on', etc. I have a relationship with my mother now but there are family members I haven't seen or spoken to for 16 years.
I struggle daily with not hitting and yelling at my 14 MONTH old baby. She's so little, innocent and cute and I sometimes feel like such a monster. I have given myself time out as I know I am going to lose it. The shame of these feelings is sickening. I don't want to be my mother recreated. It is a daily battle but a battle I know in my heart is worth the fight. to you all.
post #116 of 182
Thanks Rigama. I have a hard time taking my feelings seriously, but I need to. You've given me a lot to think about. I'm glad the hugs helped

Warrior - I know the shame, too. Some days I think AM I JUST MY MOTHER?????

Kannon - the first time I read this thread I was shocked at how much I could relate to what people were saying. I kept thinking "does this mean I was abused?" Only recently out of denial, here. I hope it helps you.
post #117 of 182
I'm waiting for SA, too. Not enough posts or enough time at this point, but hey, all in good time, I guess.

I've read this entire thread and it makes me want to just weep with grief and anger and sadness and frustration. Why does it seem like the organizations that are supposed to help make it the most difficult to heal?

I don't think I have the energy to get into my own post right now other than a brief, hi, here I am, I hear ya.

We'll keep moving on, ladies. We'll get there.
post #118 of 182
Welcome, Bookwitch.

I've been out of town for a week, dealing with a family crisis (on Dh's side) but I'm back now. I hope everyone had a good holiday and you are all well.

Rigama
post #119 of 182
Well thank you all so much for this thread! I'm a WAYS away from the SA forum but am waiting, like y'all. One of the hardest things for me is managing this irrational RAGE that comes flying up from inside of me at times. It's so consuming, and so frustrating. I feel like I'm working every minute of every day at recognizing it, preventing it, trying to breathe through it . . .I want so badly to do a better job for dd than mom did for me, but it's exhausting.

Anyway, ((((hugs)))) to all of you.
post #120 of 182
wishing all the ladies here hope and healing ...and I don't know where the thread I followed here went to.
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