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"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Page 7

post #121 of 182
Hi all.

Today I sent my mum an email and asked her not to contact me for a year.

It feels good, mostly. But I'm still afraid of her.

Rigama - hope you're doing well. Hell, I hope everyone is doing okay.
post #122 of 182
Tapioca

That's a huge step you took! Have you heard back from her? Do you think she'll respect your decision? Not to totally bombard you with questions, but how's your dh dealing with your decision? I mean, is he supportive of you in this or does he still think you need to make nice? Sheesh, that does sound like a lot of questions all at once!

I'm very tired. A couple of weeks ago my dh got a phone call from his younger brother. His older sister, her 19 year old son and husband were all shot to death in their home. Thankfully, they caught the guy. But my dh is having a pretty rough time dealing with the fact that this has happened. He's been trying to act like nothing happened--stuffing it all way down, but it's coming out as anger. Unfortunately it's not appropriately directed anger. I'm worried about him and have been super busy just taking care of everything around the house and with ds so that when dh gets home from work he doesn't have to deal with anything. It's hard. Coming from the background I do, I'm terrified of yelling and anger. I'm not afraid that dh would hurt me or ds, but at the same time...well seeing him get angry somehow makes me feel like a child again. Like it's all my fault, even though I know perfectly well it has nothing to do with me and that I am safe. I wonder, once that program has been written in a child's brain--the program that says anger=physical danger--how do you wipe it out? Is there a virus out there that can get rid of it for me?

It's midnight and I can't sleep-dh is out of town. I should go lie down in the dark and hope I fall asleep, but I know I won't. I never do when he's gone. Maybe I'll just fix a snack and read a trashy book for a while instead.

Rigama
post #123 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rigama
Tapioca

That's a huge step you took! Have you heard back from her? Do you think she'll respect your decision? Not to totally bombard you with questions, but how's your dh dealing with your decision? I mean, is he supportive of you in this or does he still think you need to make nice? Sheesh, that does sound like a lot of questions all at once!

I'm very tired. A couple of weeks ago my dh got a phone call from his younger brother. His older sister, her 19 year old son and husband were all shot to death in their home. Thankfully, they caught the guy. But my dh is having a pretty rough time dealing with the fact that this has happened. He's been trying to act like nothing happened--stuffing it all way down, but it's coming out as anger. Unfortunately it's not appropriately directed anger. I'm worried about him and have been super busy just taking care of everything around the house and with ds so that when dh gets home from work he doesn't have to deal with anything. It's hard. Coming from the background I do, I'm terrified of yelling and anger. I'm not afraid that dh would hurt me or ds, but at the same time...well seeing him get angry somehow makes me feel like a child again. Like it's all my fault, even though I know perfectly well it has nothing to do with me and that I am safe. I wonder, once that program has been written in a child's brain--the program that says anger=physical danger--how do you wipe it out? Is there a virus out there that can get rid of it for me?

It's midnight and I can't sleep-dh is out of town. I should go lie down in the dark and hope I fall asleep, but I know I won't. I never do when he's gone. Maybe I'll just fix a snack and read a trashy book for a while instead.

Rigama
Wow, i"m so incredibly self-centred. I'm sorry for not responding sooner. Rigama, I hope you are doing okay! I understand about the anger/physical danger thing. It's one of the many issues DH and I have had to work on in our marriage. Me= overreacting to his anger, only it wasn't for me.

Very sorry to hear about your family loss How awful. How is your DH doing? How are YOU doing?

As for me...um, still dealing with the fall-out. Let me give you the cole's notes version

1. Dh - not happy about it. Trying to be supportive of my decision, but REALLY doesn't get it. However, my sister and close friends (2 of whom have equally crazy parents) get it and think I've done a good thing.

2. Have had 2 emails from my mother basically saying she can't understand why I'm angry and what did she do? She's lost.

3. These emails made me laugh. Seriously? What's the point. I know from experience that even if I try to explain, she will shoot me down/call me crazy/ a liar/ twist things around so that *I* somehow end up feeling bad, AGAIN, for trying to bring things up. I've been reading about narcissistic personality disorder lately due to another thread in this forum and it sounds eerily like her, and interestingly, it also confirms I've done the right thing to just cut her off. (for now).

4. Uber nasty email from my dad today.

5. DH - even less happy. Hates the drama. Is kinda blaming it on me, though even he admits that *I* am not making them act this way. I'm trying really hard to respect his feelings even though I feel that he's a bit naive about how they really are.
post #124 of 182
Mostly, though, I feel liberated. LIBERATED. I don't even feel sad. I just feel relieved to not be dealing with her anymore. It speaks volumes to me that I am that detached from my mother. Like, if there was any sort of love or relationship there, wouldn't I feel more conflicted? Sad? Or something?
post #125 of 182
Is the forum still closed at the present?
post #126 of 182

Wow!!

I too am waiting...Not even sure if I should be there when the time comes. I have spent years trying to find a place where my type of abuse fits in...No support groups...no specialized therapy...Not even anything on the internet.

My abuse involved a Pediatric Urologist when I was between 6-8. I had very vague memories. Things just went totally out of control when I got pregnant the first time...things started flooding back. Things also started making a whole lot of sense. (my fear of doctors and general mistrust for the entire medical profession, Fear of all things related to childbirth etc.) My HB midwife thinks all this is why I ended up with a transport and emergency C-section "the things you fear most end up happening so you have to face your fear" I'm still dealing with the PTSD from that experience. It almost broke me spiritually. I was raped and violated by the medical profession AGAIN!!

I'm not sure if anyone else can relate to this or not...I would love to find someone who gets it.
post #127 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlie_librarian
Is the forum still closed at the present?
I believe that you must be a (female) member of MDC for one year and have 500+ posts before being able to join the Surviving Abuse forum.

Pat
post #128 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fyrestorm
I too am waiting...Not even sure if I should be there when the time comes. I have spent years trying to find a place where my type of abuse fits in...No support groups...no specialized therapy...Not even anything on the internet.

My abuse involved a Pediatric Urologist when I was between 6-8. I had very vague memories. Things just went totally out of control when I got pregnant the first time...things started flooding back. Things also started making a whole lot of sense. (my fear of doctors and general mistrust for the entire medical profession, Fear of all things related to childbirth etc.) My HB midwife thinks all this is why I ended up with a transport and emergency C-section "the things you fear most end up happening so you have to face your fear" I'm still dealing with the PTSD from that experience. It almost broke me spiritually. I was raped and violated by the medical profession AGAIN!!

I'm not sure if anyone else can relate to this or not...I would love to find someone who gets it.
Of course you are welcome in the abuse forum! Even if noone there has had a similar experience, I'm sure many can relate.
post #129 of 182
Bumping, for those in waiting to support each other.

Pat
post #130 of 182
Good Bump Pat

how is everyone doing? I had almost forgotten about this thread. The sun is shining here today. Things are going well in my life.
post #131 of 182
i didn't even know this was here....wish i had.....cynthia denied me access to the sa forum as well and well.....it really kind of hurt...I was looking for someone to talk to who understood....and got no where.
post #132 of 182
This is a nice Thread to find. I'm also waiting to get in sa. Skimming some of the post here really makes me realize I'm not alone and that kinda makes it more real.
My mother was not the nicest of people and then got involved with a man that used my left over issues from my mother against me. Most of what I've had to deal with was mental and emotional, but also sexual.
And now that I'm out of that relationship I still find myself building walls to keep from letting people hurt me. My relationship with my mother is not a great one. I still talk to her from time to time but try to avoid her as much as I can. She still does things to hurt me and bring me down.
I'm stressing right now cause we are having DS birthday party on Saturday and she will be here with other people that I know and that I trust... I'm just waiting on her to do something, say something to try and make everyone lose some respect for me. I'm trying to get past it but I know her to well and she enjoys watching me suffer.
post #133 of 182
I'm glad this thread is here. I am waiting too. I have enough posts but have a couple more months to go. I started seeing a trauma counselor on Monday. I was on the waiting list for 3 months. My traumas have led to PTSD(of course) and a conversion disorder as well as other things. I am currently writing a book of poetry for survivors and a workbook. I am goign to school so I can become a sexual abuse therapist. I really want to help survivors. I believe it is my destiny.
post #134 of 182
I'm also waiting for the SA forum. My issues aren't really from childhood (although I am sure there is stuff that helped me to choose the relationships I did when I was older.) I had a college bf of three years that was abusive, and after finally breaking free of that, I ended up marrying someone who was 10 times worse (sexually, physically, emotionally.) We split up after 8 1/2 years together, and the divorce was final two years later.
post #135 of 182
Bumping.

Pat
post #136 of 182

I don't get it either

If you post something the moderators don't like they pull it right away, so I don't understand the 1 year thing, either. I won't have any trouble meeting 500 posts, but the year wait is way too long, imo.

as a survivor of abuse myself, I know I have to work on anger issues and be vigilant to prevent passing on the abuse to my kids. I've made some changes lately, but I really feel like this will be a long hard road. It helps that I see results from GD, but it's so easy to 'turn into' my parents when things are stressful.

8(
post #137 of 182




"Abuse in all forms impacts us profoundly. It affects our emotions, our fears, our relationships, as well as when, if, and how we mother. In order to process some of how abuse impacts and affects us, MDC has thoughtfully decided to create a private Surviving Abuse forum for its members.

The Surviving Abuse Forum is a private forum for those members who have experienced or are experiencing abuse in any of form. We are limiting access to the forum to members who have over 500 posts, are female, and who have been registered at MDC for over a year. This is not to exclude people who may have a very real need for such a forum and the support offered therein, but is one of few possible security measures we can take to create a safe place for members to share their stories and feelings."


Just a reminder that the waiting period is not meant to make anyone feel rejected or judged in any way, it is a security measure provided to protect the forum members online. While everyone who has been or is being abused needs support, the physical safety issues of women (and their children) who are currently being abused are different than those for our members who are trying to heal from painful childhood abuse.

It isn't an issue of moderators worrying about having to pull posts they don't like, but rather one of the few methods we have of protecting members from online stalkers.

post #138 of 182
hi ...just wondering what exactly is okay to discuss here.....i have a few questions i need to ask about
post #139 of 182
I just wanted to say that the wait doesn't bother me. I'd rather have privacy when the time comes, because there are things I have never told another person.

I think we can still talk about whatever we want to out here (within the rules, of course).
post #140 of 182
i need to ask about irrational fears of the SAME things happening to MY children as happened to me?? anyone else experience this?? I am constantly overwrought with the fear that my kiddos will have things happen to them.....I try to be vigilant....but what happens on the offchance that I miss something??
then I am afraid I am being obsessive...which i am....and then I fall into a tailspin of being angry.....angry that I can' be more normal.....that my life can' t be more normal.......
anyone have any ideas?
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