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"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Page 8

post #141 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
i need to ask about irrational fears of the SAME things happening to MY children as happened to me?? anyone else experience this?? I am constantly overwrought with the fear that my kiddos will have things happen to them.....I try to be vigilant....but what happens on the offchance that I miss something??
then I am afraid I am being obsessive...which i am....and then I fall into a tailspin of being angry.....angry that I can' be more normal.....that my life can' t be more normal.......
anyone have any ideas?
To me the big variable is a respectful, validating, responsive family that our son has available to come to IF something horrible did happen to him. When something happens to a child because of family, they don't have somewhere to turn. I believe having a horrible experience alone and having to process it without support is the more difficult experience, imo.

Trigger Warning:

A friend was raped but had her family's full support. If she had been abused by family, where could she turn for support? That is what I choose to focus on: what we HAVE as a family, not focus on the *what might happen*. Because, I trust, as a family we will get through anything and become stronger and more connected.

Hope that helps.
post #142 of 182
it does.....thank you. I think i might need meds....only because my fears do overtake me alot.....i spent much of saturday in my room....not speaking to anyone....because something happened that triggered an anxiety response in myself BECAUSE of something that happened to ME as a child.
I was unresponsive.....sad....and scared....and couldn't move out of it for hours.....when I finally did is was only because the rational part of my brain told me that i was being irrationally afraid....does that make sense? is that even possible or does it sound odd??
post #143 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
it does.....thank you. I think i might need meds....only because my fears do overtake me alot.....i spent much of saturday in my room....not speaking to anyone....because something happened that triggered an anxiety response in myself BECAUSE of something that happened to ME as a child.
I was unresponsive.....sad....and scared....and couldn't move out of it for hours.....when I finally did is was only because the rational part of my brain told me that i was being irrationally afraid....does that make sense? is that even possible or does it sound odd??
It sounds really scary for you. I know that nutrients can play a huge part in anxiety and our hormonal balance. Old triggers can not hurt you in the present unless you let them. It has been a long journey of testing that belief for me to trust it enough to change my self-talk consciously. There are some natural things you could try. Here is the link for natural remedies for depression/anxiety: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...tural+remedies

Have you tried any of the natural homeopathic Bach Flower remedies for anger, out of control fears, fantasy, impatience, stress reduction, vengefulness. Here are a few to consider: Cherry Plum (anger), Rock Rose (fears), Clematis (detached from being in the present), Impatiens (impatience), Rescue Remedy or Elm (stress), Holly (vengefulness-toward other or self). The first link below helps you to choose a remedy or several to help cope in the heat of the moment. The others tell more about the individual remedies. They are very safe.

http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx

http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm

http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm

http://www.abchomeopathy.com/c.php/3

The other thing I really find helpful is to have conscious relaxation or mindfulness awareness in the present. By practicing being relaxed and aware in the moment, rather than worrying and ruminating about the past, I am more able to reconnect with myself when something stressful happens. Having some healthy mantras and affirmations that I use regularly about little things helps give them power when I really need some healthy self-talk about things that are triggers. Do you see how the practice of feeling safe could help when the scary thoughts creep in? For instance, I was a critical care nurse and we practiced what to do in an emergency, so that it was automatic. It is similar. I practice healthy self-talk throughout my day, so that I can remember what to focus on and tell myself when something dire happens. It gives me the *what to do* focus, rather than the *what if* focus.

I really recommend reading along in The Secret thread about changing your self-talk.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=471795 (this is the original, it is in the Spirituality forum. It is restricted for newbies, also.)
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=519212 (this one is shorter, it is in the Personal Growth forum.)

Counseling helped me with that. But, they also wanted to dredge up the past and that just felt smothering at times. Since the present, doesn't have all those dangers that I experienced as a child. My experience of the danger was much greater as a child, than the same situation would be as an adult. I have much more self-awareness, self-control and choice NOW. "I am safe. All is well. Everything is unfolding for my highest Self. Out of this situation only self-awareness and joy will come." I practice, believe and trust this affirmation and it helps me in the scary moments to get back to a place of being in the moment and seeing that I AM safe.



Pat
post #144 of 182
bump
post #145 of 182
Hi everyone. I am waiting to be admitted to the Surviving Abuse forum.

I love flower essences. They have helped me so much. I only have Impatiens and Mimulus right now, but I have used many different ones in the past and I want to get more.
post #146 of 182
Gosh I just need to write to someone. I have been checking several times a day to see if I've been let in yet. I have enough posts and I've been here over a year, it's just a matter of a moderator letting me in now.

I don't know why this stuff is coming up again now-- I've been to counseling in the past-- I think it's because my moon is moving into it's birth sign right now . . . anyway.

I am glad that SA will be a private forum because I am really, really, really afraid of online stalkers. That's why I don't use my name or my kids' names on MDC.

I just really want to talk to people about this. Anyone here on this thread anymore?
post #147 of 182

when do you know you're whole again?

today i have my first therapy appt. ~i went to a couple of sessions in college..but now is the first 'real' session, i.e. i'm paying for it i am trying to get enough posts for the SA forum as well..i would love to see this list active again, since i'm just now here. i'm afraid of what therapy will bring out, but welcome the healing. and wonder, when do you know that you are fully healed and whole?
post #148 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by zenfulmama View Post
today i have my first therapy appt. ~i went to a couple of sessions in college..but now is the first 'real' session, i.e. i'm paying for it i am trying to get enough posts for the SA forum as well..i would love to see this list active again, since i'm just now here. i'm afraid of what therapy will bring out, but welcome the healing. and wonder, when do you know that you are fully healed and whole?
You are doing a really great thing for yourself to go back to therapy. Just take it slow, learn what it feels like to be safe with your therapist, and trust your own pace.

Honestly, I don't know that there really is such a thing as "fully" healed. I think it is kind of like getting hurt as a child, such as skinning your knee, or falling off your bike. You might heal, but still have physical scars. It becomes a memory in your past, like other memories. It informs your life (like be careful when you ride a bike), but doesn't haunt your dreams any more? My therapist just says that it will eventually fade into the fabric of your life, and will not be as important or haunting. It happened, and will never go away, but healing is when it doesn't have such a huge grip on your life.

Does that make sense?

I'm still working on it. It has been SO hard, but SO good. Hang in there!
post #149 of 182
Quote:
Originally Posted by zenfulmama View Post
today i have my first therapy appt. ~i went to a couple of sessions in college..but now is the first 'real' session, i.e. i'm paying for it i am trying to get enough posts for the SA forum as well..i would love to see this list active again, since i'm just now here. i'm afraid of what therapy will bring out, but welcome the healing. and wonder, when do you know that you are fully healed and whole?
Good luck with your session today. I wish I had a good answer for you. Therapy really helped me cope with regular life, but we didn't really get very in-depth so there is definitely still a lot ot process. I'm guessing it's a life-long thing. Anyway,
post #150 of 182
do i ever wish I'd seen this thread before...

back later...
post #151 of 182

another lady in waiting

Hi - I'm still waiting too. I don't know what a troll is but I can guess.

I posted the following but got no one who could relate I assume - I thought I'd try this thread. I'm not too worried about confidentiality - other than I don't want to talk about this on tv. It's been 15 years and if anyone should be worried about being stalked it's the guy who did it - not me.......



I'm not sure exactly how to form my questions but here's some background and I'll try to be articulate about what I am wondering.

When I was under the age of 5 I have vague memories about an older man (friend's dad) molesting me - too young to really understand.

Raped at 15 when I was a virgin by old "boyfriend" - not really a boyfriend - just "going out". Not terribly violent - I weighed 110 pounds - he weighed 240 and was 6'2". I didn't tell anyone for a year or so - a little late for evidence to prosecute. When I told my family they didn't believe me (I was a big flirt and my parents either didn't believe me or felt I had sex then changed my mind....not sure still after 15 years - don't talk about it with them). He was Mormon and talked about wanting to be an elder - an irony I didn't get until I lived in Utah for 2 years.

At various other time I've had guns held to my head and hit by a boyfriend, had father's of children I babysat for try to feel me up and kiss me - yucky stuff like that.

Went to counselors - not a lot of help - just made me angry and cry a lot. One friend told me to take the experience and make a fantasy of it (turn it around in other words).

15 years later - can't have sex without being reminded and getting some weird emotional flashback afterwards (married to very wonderful gentle man) end up with weird combo of pleasure/pain.

Questions: anyone else out there with similar feelings? anyone successful at overcoming them? Liked it better when I couldn't remember.

Thanks for your time
post #152 of 182
vstaudac, I don't even know how to reply to your post. I feel like you're talking about my life, but with different flashbacks. I'd worked really hard to push everything out of my mind, and was moderately successful for years. But now, it's coming back in bits and pieces and causing me all sorts of nervousness, fears, and emotional outbursts.

Everyone says to try therapy. I've not had so much luck with it. Right now, I'm on antidepressants just so I can function. I intend to do therapy someday when I find a good therapist, but no luck yet.

I wish I had a solution!
post #153 of 182

so do I :)

Caution the following may contain too much info!

I was on antidepressants and they totally helped for when I got overwhelmed with it - but I got pregnant and and am now nursing (19 month old) - too paranoid to take while nursing. I'm over the jumping when someone comes up behind me, I don't watch tv, news, or movies that are anything but happy and stay away from books with violence....but something still trigers it - either sex with hubbie, someone who reminds me of the rapist, when people use the word rape (to refer to something like clearcutting) or a song or a scent and then for days I'm seeking out other people who have gone through this. Weird - I know but it also seems cyclical - whenever I'm ovulating (ie feeling frisky) I can't reconcile feeling sexy with not feeling victimized - I'm not sure how clear that is..... I end up just having flashbacks when I'm trying to have a little fun! I get angry at myself that such a dumba** could have such an effect on my life but am no longer angry with him - he was obviously damaged. If I had to do my life over I wouldn't have allowed any of this to happen. I used to wish I could make him as miserable as me - now I somehow think he is and always was. At least it's just now just a few days a month for me. Then I think how much worse it could have been and about all those people who have had it WAY worse then me and hate myself for not putting my BIG GIRL panties on and bucking up. All this time wasted thinking about it - is it selfish in addition to being a poor use of time and mental energy?
Too long - sorry
post #154 of 182
I am having a hard time getting up to the required posts - I joined the forum a long time ago, but only just now started posting actively. I'll get there eventually.

to all the ladies here. Such personal stories, thank you to everyone who shared.

I would like to post in the SA forum - there are times I feel the need to vent about my mom issues. My abuse issues are so much less extreme than so many here, I feel like a poser.

But, everyone here has been so kind and welcoming to all, I still feel comfortable posting.

The biggest issues I have dealing is being a different parent... and I know that I am. I had a lot of anger for a long time after my daughter was born - just constantly feeling like "what the hell was my mother thinking?? Why was she like that? Why did she make those choices?!"

But enough time has gone by now that I don't feel so ... broken, I think is the best word.


Thank you to everyone who had the courage to share here.
post #155 of 182

can't compare

to waitingforittosnow:
I don't think we can rate abuse situtations on a scale although you think to yourself - well this type of abuse is worse than this type...... it's not that easy nor is it fair to minimize the trauma of others - it's not like that. I tend to be a linear thinker but this is way different than a continuum - I just don't have the vocab to explain what I mean. - I feel the same way though so i know what you mean - but there is so much abuse and different ways to hurt people - but the end result is that we all who have survived now have to live with it and it changes who we are. I was blessed with a wonderful mother (except the not believing me about the rape) who loved me unconditionally and made me a strong, independent person - not everyone had that - I can't imagine having a crappy mom - what a lot to overcome!

post #156 of 182
bump
post #157 of 182
bumping again so people can find this thread
post #158 of 182
This is the third time I have seen members talk about being stalked. all different members also. what in the world is that all about? I would also like to see this subject blossum.
post #159 of 182
I'm so glad I found this forum. I was beyond ecstatic when I found the SA forum, although I can't join yet.. and I'm glad for that.
I just have to say that I was abused in a few ways, sexual, physical but personally for me, the verbal/emotional abuse still haunts me.
My mother would often *test* me, (aka lie to me) interrogate me and call me horrible names. This type of manipulation really messed with me as a child. I ran away from home to get away from all the mind games. My extended
family often jokes that she would make a damn good FBI agent or detective. she is really good at breaking ppl down and collecting evidence against them.

Ocassionally, she leaves me voice mail messages calling me the most vile, disgusting names if I don't respond to her pleas asking for money. For the longest time, I felt as if I deserved it. That there was something wrong with me and really I called it upon myself.
Now, I know it for what it was. After having my daughter, I can't imagine how a mother could treat her child the way she treated me.

I'm still angry and can barely talk about it. Although I desperately need it, I do not see a therapist because the one time that I did, I could not stop crying and having panic attacks. I bolted because I was simply not ready to relive those memories. The worst part is that I often question myself wondering if it was all in my head and not really abuse.
My mother is a saint in her community. She is a fundamentalist muslim preacher. Always has been. She is also a survivor of domestic violence although she still has not cut off ties with my father. I'm often torn between being sympathetic towards her and then remembering what she did to ME. Unspeakable acts of violence that she says to this day, was for my own good. I don't really want to get into the violent stuff here but will once I get into the SA forum. I just want to say that I am getting in contact with a plastic surgeon hoping that if the physical scars are no longer there, i won't have the constant reminder.

To all those mamas, who feel like verbal abuse is not as big of a deal, I completely disagree. For me, it is the worst kind.
post #160 of 182
I'm glad I found this thread. I'll be back when I have more time.....
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