"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Page 2

[mandalamama]

for anyone who's ever been called "too sensitive" ...

"too sensitive" ... i've heard it all my life. and always, by people who are callous, cold, indifferent, cruel, or just plain apathetic. i never hear it from those who are aware, mindful, compassionate. but we can't always choose everyone who is going to be in our life ... and sometimes, the cruel and compassionate meet in the same person ... and you love the compassionate so much, you're willing to put up with the cruel. i choose.

"too sensitive" ... i'm willing to let my emotions flow over me like ocean waves ... the sand is pounded by the surf, it shifts and changes, but it is eternal ... such is my heart. i bend like a sapling tree in a hurricane, springing up wounded but whole after the last gust passes, while all around me lie the dried and broken branches of those who are not willing to bend.

"too sensitive" ... i can sit with my feelings ... i can invite them in, look them over ... i can choose not to let them in, keep them waiting ... i can throw them out the door, if i choose. fear and joy and anger and hope, they can all share the same table inside me. i choose.

"too sensitive" ... A.K.A. "tears don't move me" ... "i'm not buying it" ... "it's just crocodile tears" ... "why don't you calm down?" ... "that won't work with me" ... A.K.A. you are UNCOMFORTABLE with my willingness to experience my own emotions, and that's YOUR problem.

"too sensitive" ... i've just got to say this to the world: if you have ever told anyone "you're too sensitive" ... YOU ARE NOT SENSITIVE ENOUGH.

[yaM yaM]

*

[Potty Diva]

Let me clarify. it is against the user agreement to create more than one usename unless cynthia oks it. Sorry for the confusion. Symantics...geez.

As for the google. Let me rephrase. it did NOT show anyone's signature here when I did it yesterday OR today. It DOES show usernames.

How's that? Anyone feel misinformed?

May May~ I completely agree with your last paragraph. I don't think anyone who stand by someone getting flamed for sharing personal and sensitive information. I also don't think they would be around for long.

Peace.

[Mamajamz]

I'm just hopping on here. Feel free to skip to another response; I haven't finished reading the thread yet so I won't respond to other postings yet. I have been in the dumps lately and I saw the thread and was so glad somebody started it! I'm still reeling from Father's DAy, always a bad day for me, a time when once again I reassess just how screwed up I am. Oh I've come a long way, but every now and then it hits me between the eyes: oh yeah, I was victimized and it still impacts my life. I have a second "family" who have become family to me so I see it when I relate to them. I don't do "trust" very well.

I'm curious to know if anyone can relate to this situation: I recently decided to write my father (perp) a letter telling him I know what he did when I was little and I don't want any contact with him. I haven't mailed it and what stops me is this fear that "what if I'm making it all up? what if really *I* am the one who is so screwed up that I just made it up? How could I accuse him of things he never did?" I know somebody did something and I know I have flashbacks when I'm around him as well as nightmares and have for years but it really irritates me that I don't have clear episodic memory of anything--after eons of therapy and thousands of dollars to try to deal with life. If I could just have one clear memory that would say "Yep, he's the one." ON the other hand, I guess I could write a letter that says he makes me sick and I can't be around him and function as a human without any accusations or reasons and let him fill in the blanks. Anybody ever been in my shoes?

Peace to all

[mandalamama]

Originally Posted by Mamajamz

I'm curious to know if anyone can relate to this situation: I recently decided to write my father (perp) a letter telling him I know what he did when I was little and I don't want any contact with him. I haven't mailed it and what stops me is this fear that "what if I'm making it all up? what if really *I* am the one who is so screwed up that I just made it up? How could I accuse him of things he never did?" I know somebody did something and I know I have flashbacks when I'm around him as well as nightmares and have for years but it really irritates me that I don't have clear episodic memory of anything--after eons of therapy and thousands of dollars to try to deal with life. If I could just have one clear memory that would say "Yep, he's the one." ON the other hand, I guess I could write a letter that says he makes me sick and I can't be around him and function as a human without any accusations or reasons and let him fill in the blanks. Anybody ever been in my shoes?

*nods* yes. i went through years of nightmares, flashbacks and other PTSD stuff, thinking i was crazy. my dad would say a certain word or make a certain gesture, and i'd feel like throwing up and break out in chills. one day he said a certain combo of words that turned out to be the key to unlock my memories ... wowza. i chose to confront him in a psychiatrist's office, so i'd be safe. he admitted to beating me, but denied the sexual abuse ... then slipped in such a way that he admitted to that, too. but even after that ... i still didn't want to believe it had happened! because who wants to be a survivor?? it's easier to go back into denial, right? except it can be like an emotional cancer that eats away at you.

one thing i know for sure: you don't have to remember everything to heal from it.

i am "lucky" that my abuser was caught, and convicted, for doing to someone else the same things he did to me. "lucky" in that i finally know my memories and feelings are real, and "lucky" that i got to support the other victim so she knew she wasn't alone. but even after all of that, i still lapse back into denial and fuzzy memory! because it's the only way to stay sane, i think, in an insane situation.

denial isn't an entirely bad thing, if you use it as a tool. i think of it this way: there's a closet in my head, it says "Bad Things" on the door. it's full of shelves and lots of shoeboxes. i can choose to open or close the door. i can choose what box i want to open. i can choose to not deal with something right now, and put it away for safekeeping. key word here is "choose"! that way, traumatic memories don't interfere with my ability to live my everyday life. i came to this realization after a lot of therapy and visualization. for some people, their mind's "safe place" is a garden with things buried under ground, or a big freezer. anything you can open and close, you can *choose* to experience it or not.

[~Nikki~]

Ah, good, a thread for those of us waiting. This was a good idea, and definitely something I need right now. This time of the year is always hard for me, as it's the season that "the shit really hit the fan", so to speak. I kept everything bottled up for years, and then 3 years ago this summer, it came out that my sister had gone through the exact same thing I did, and then everything came out. Of course, my mother didn't beleive us - didn't WANT to beleive us - so she chose not to, and tossed us out of her life. She hasn't met either of her grandchildren, and that is something I struggle with constantly, for many reasons I won't get into right now. I spent most of the evening in tears thinking about it (a thread on TAO kind of put me in a bad place, I guess, and let the memories come back) so I don't really have the strength right now to discuss it.

I have to say, that it was a major slap in the face to be denied access to the abuse forum. I applied on a day when I really really needed somewhere to talk - somewhere safe - and being told that I wasn't "well known" enough to be allowed access to the forum, when I was one of the people who originally asked for the forum to be made, made me feel like yet another door was being slammed in my face. I don't know why I let it hurt my feelings so badly, but it did. :P

[pjlioness]

I'm planning to open a private Yahoo group for those of us who can't get into to the forum yet. So far, 5 people are interested. PM me if interested.

[zeldabee]

Originally Posted by ~Nikki~

I have to say, that it was a major slap in the face to be denied access to the abuse forum. I applied on a day when I really really needed somewhere to talk - somewhere safe - and being told that I wasn't "well known" enough to be allowed access to the forum, when I was one of the people who originally asked for the forum to be made, made me feel like yet another door was being slammed in my face. I don't know why I let it hurt my feelings so badly, but it did. :P

I'm pretty disgusted about it, too. I think it's too stringent. I think it's fine to have the criteria in the first place, but if a person's been participating in discussions, with hundreds of substantive posts, and she asks to be let in, I think it makes sense to let her in. It's easy to look over a person's posts and see that she is a participating member, and not just posting smilies. I hardly think a stalker is really going to fake that many posts for months in order to get into a forum. And I am not going to post a bunch of smiley posts to a nonsense thread to bring my post count up, either. What a load of BS.

I'm angry about it, so much so that I've been thinking it's time to get out of dodge, leave MDC, at least for a while.

[mandalamama]

Nikki and zeldabee: you could post those concerns in the "Questions & Suggestions" forum. i feel this thread is best for those who feel comfortable enough to be open about abuse survivor stuff while they're waiting for their year. i took it personally at first, as well, but from what i understand it's to protect victims' rights from their abusers stalking them.

unfortunately, i don't think there's any way the mods can determine if we have "substantive" posts without spending wayyy too much time reading up on everyone who wants to join. i think it's just sad that abusers do often go through hell and high water to stalk their victims, necessitating such precautions anyway, in the meantime, we have this open thread, and the new Yahoo group starting up. (if a stalker shows up over there, we can IP ban them, not just their username. nifty feature!)

[Silliest]

Originally Posted by zeldabee

I hardly think a stalker is really going to fake that many posts for months in order to get into a forum.

You haven't met my ex. :

It's been a while since I left him, so I *might* consider the abuse forum "safe" until the first year is up, but not afterward. Especially if the only criteria are "automated" and no one is checking what kinds of posts are being made by the people who apply for entry. He can just sit around for a year, post : 500 times, and abracadabra, there he'll be.

I wonder if we could have a volunteer mod committee to actually do a human review of applicants' posts. I know I read hundreds of posts a day, anyhow, and doing so in order to preserve a safe haven online would be an absolute pleasure.

[Cynthia Mosher]

I'd like to ask that you post to Personal Growth about thing related to your personal issues and concerns that are not connected with the abuse forum. Your ideas, suggestions and even complaints about the forum are welcome and you may PM or email them to me.

[liam's mom]

hey all. i don't have time to read this thread yet--just wanted to say hi, and i'm waiting, too (i thought the min. post count was 1000?). i have pretty serious issues from my childhood that i am working very hard not to repeat with ds...

looking forward to getting to know you all while we wait to be able to be admitted.

[mandalamama]

welcome, liam's mom i agree with Cynthia, this thread should be about our abuse issues and not about the Abuse forum itself. we can always post to Questions & Suggestions, or PM her or any of the mods, with our concerns. i feel like if we complain too much, this thread might get closed and then what do we have?

i've got abuse issues out the ying-yang lately, because some of my disabling conditions are due to child abuse or DV issues. one example: i didn't have arthritis until an ex slammed a heavy wooden dresser drawer across the room into my left knee. 4 years later, still unable to walk right, i finally got it xrayed. they found "degenerative osteoarthritis." after a few more years, it began to affect other joints all over my body. the rheumatologist said it's common, once you have the ANAs in your bloodstream, they can attach to almost any injury in any joint, no matter how tiny, even just the aging process.

how many of you are dealing with the long-term effects of abuse? such as stress or anxiety disorders, or physical disorders? i don't think many people realize that there are long-term effects, or why we use the term "survivors" instead of "victims."

[jmreinke]

(((hugs))) to you all.

It sounds like you are starting a yahoo group, but I know of several other boards that are private, but you can get in right away if you want. These boards are related to sexual abuse and sexual assault. If you are interested in any of these (I dont' run them, only visit them) PM me and I'll let you know what they are (I don't think we are allowed to post links to other forums).

I can really related to the many of you that said you feel isolated. I just joined a local support group because I felt so isolated. I've gone once, and I have high hopes that this may help me.

Hang in there ladies! There is healing for all of us if we just don't give up!

[pjlioness]

New Yahoo Group

The Yahoo Group is up and running. Please PM me for info.

[pranamama]

Hi
THanks to everyone who has written
I think this is a great thread but I for one am really worried about being cyberstalked. On the other-hand why should I sit in silence and go nuts when support is available. I

[pranamama]

Hey, its been awhile and I thought this is just the right spot for me to say I got a temporaryProtectionOrder. It is such a relief Hope the rest of you are doing well

[stafl]

hope you don't mind me jumping in here... something really struck home with me:

Originally Posted by mellybean

one thing i know for sure: you don't have to remember everything to heal from it.

I don't remember all the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex. Not even after other people have told me about it! But I am finally starting to heal from it. I know those memories are there, somewhere, locked away where I can't get to them, but they are there. I know why I locked them away, even. I know it's because I spent so many years pretending I was not being abused, trying to convince everyone around me that I was not being abused, that I started to believe it myself. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. It doesn't sound so profound to tell others about it, but the effect it had on me was tremendous! So here I am, 13 years later, finally starting the healing process of having been in an abusive marriage. I'm finally able to talk about it, but nobody seems to want to listen. It's old news to them. But it's new news to me!!!

anyway, I just wanted to offer a big ((((HUG)))) to all of you. If you are afraid of being cyberstalked and just need someone to talk to but don't yet qualify for the abuse forum, please feel free to send me a pm anytime. I'm no replacement for a therapist, but I am a good listener.

[intentfulady]

yep
long term effects here
anxiety.
just finally pinning it down
it took years for enough quiet to hear the"anxiety"

[Silliest]

Originally Posted by mellybean

how many of you are dealing with the long-term effects of abuse? such as stress or anxiety disorders, or physical disorders? i don't think many people realize that there are long-term effects, or why we use the term "survivors" instead of "victims."

All of the above ;->

I was so sick before I left -scratch that - I was sick from the day I realized I needed to leave but let myself get talked into staying until the day I decided to actually *leave*. It was nearly a year. I "got well" as soon as the decision was made, and he watched me go from barely being able to move to running around the house like an excited teenager for the next 10 days until I was gone. <hah>

He said I was "faking being sick" before, but my hormone levels were *whacked*. I had not one, but several docs who couldn't figure out *what* was wrong, but they all agreed that something was very wrong indeed.
It wasn't "Fake" but it was sure as hell stress-related.
2 days after my decision to leave, I went for my last visit with my favorite doctor. He noticed the difference in my health before I said a word and just asked "So when are you leaving and how far are you going?" <LOL>

Despite the physical recovery, though, I am still dealing with the mental fallout. But I've had abuse-related PTSD since I was a child. This is just more of the same. Anxiety, codependent-leanings, coercive communication habits, depression, underachieving, blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes if seems like the only thing I'm good at is surviving. And I'm damned good at that. But I'd like to develop a few *living* skills as well ;-p