"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Page 3

[mama_daba]

i'm sort of waiting for the sa board, though i don't post enough and i feel sometimes like i don't have a right to post there even after i have been here a year and have posted enough
i don't have kids, the reason i read the boards here is so i can learn to be a good mom because i really want to have kids, and i am hoping in a few years i will be a lot more healed from childhood stuff than i am now and i will be ready to have kids and i will be a good mom
i have ptsd and other things, i have wanted to have kids my whole life, at some point when i was a teenager some part of my brain thought that the worst thing would be to grow up and be like my own mom, and have kids who would hate me the way i hated my mom, and it seemed like the best thing to prevent that would be therapy, so now i am in therapy healing from my own stuff, and reading lots of parenting books, and reading web pages and forums and talking to parents and learning everything i can about parenting, but no matter how much therapy i get, and how much i read and how much i talk to people, i think having kids will be really hard, i think that some things will possibly trigger flash backs, or at least be mildly triggering,
since i don't have kids yet though i don't know how others would actually feel about me posting on the sa board here

[pranamama]

moonfroggy - you will be a better mother for contemplating everything hopefullly

My temporary order has been continued and family court services is going to do a DV assessment. I am hoping everything goes ok...

Silliest - I think the difference in my energy level is huge now. I get the sink cleared out before I go to bed. The house looks so much cleaner.

Mamajamz I totally get the "I'm the crazy one routine" I don't understand why that happens and I am sure of what happened. I'm not sure if it is a defense mechanism of some idea something planted by the abuser. I know my reality seemed different than other people's reality for so long and I remember how much I wanted to be "just normal like everybody else"..

[pjlioness]

moonfroggy:

Sounds like you're doing a great job getting ready. I wish I had gotten farther along/better therapy before I had my boys. It would have made it easier for them and me.

It may be harder once you have kids, though. When they approach the age(s) at which you had particular difficulty with you parent(s), you may be triggered by their (normal) behavior and respond in ways you don't expect.

Anyway, welcome to the club.

[ceilydhmama]

Oh my goodness, I'm glad I found this thread. I have been skimming past the SA board and finally read the rules. Because I lurk, more than post, I'm not eligible yet... I hope I fit in here.

I am on the thin edge of crisis right now. I'm thinking I'm coming through it, but I haven't felt this ragged since I was 17...

I was sexually abused by a close friend of the family from 11-15. The abuse stopped when he was caught by his son, my close friend. I'm going to skim the details because 1) I'm not reacting well to them right now and 2) you don't know me yet

I went for therapy, did counselling, struggled, married a wonderful man, struggled, then finally reached a wonderful, comfortable place in my life. This summer I have begun to realize how fully my life was affected by the abuse though. Also, watching my daughter grow has brought up a range of issues I had no idea I needed to tackle. For example I am suddenly wary of my male friends tickling her, or I get squeamish if dh plays with her while shes naked...

Its horrible, all the trust I *thought* I had built has evaporated. I feel unhinged.

The other issue that accompanied (percipitated?) this was I went home for my 20th highschool reunion this past weekend. In the month leading to it I stopped sleeping, and felt emotionally out of control. I think I taxed one of my closest friendships to its near limit in the process...

The reunion turned out to be wonderful except for one massive issue. While growing up I had an asshole stepfather who appeared to hate me. It was his closest friend that abused me. When the abuse was found out this friendship ended, then both of the marriages ended (my abuser's first, my parent's a few years later). I never saw or spoke to my stepfather again.

At the reunion, I discovered that my ex-SF had married the mum of a highschool friend shortly after we left. I also discovered that the severed friendship between my abuser and SF is intact again. So I told my highschool friend that he has his kids in close proximity to a sexual abuser. Sigh.

This is a bit of a novel. I think I needed to : tell someone the whole story. There are so many threads right now, I have no idea how to pull them all back together and get my life settled again.

It makes me so angry that one a$$hole could f- up my life so thoroughly...

Thanks for hearing me.

[Silliest]

Originally Posted by pjlioness

It may be harder once you have kids, though. When they approach the age(s) at which you had particular difficulty with you parent(s), you may be triggered by their (normal) behavior and respond in ways you don't expect.

Anyway, welcome to the club.

:

It's a constant source of surprises :

[mama_daba]

Originally Posted by pjlioness

moonfroggy:
It may be harder once you have kids, though. When they approach the age(s) at which you had particular difficulty with you parent(s), you may be triggered by their (normal) behavior and respond in ways you don't expect.

yeah i realize that and am a bit worried about it, it is something i talk about in therapy, i am thinking that even if i am done with therapy and then have kids, i may go back when my kids reach certain ages, i have a few friends on the internet who are survivores and have talked to them some about the chalananges they have had, now i sometimes get not exactly triggered, but when i see how small a child is at ages iw as abused, and realize i was that small, or probably even smaller since i was always very small for my age, i sometimes get a bit freaked out, so yeah i have a long way to go
thank you for your kind words

[kalisis]

...

[ceilydhmama]

---I'm sorry if this is disrespectful of you who went through years of abuse or are going through it now. I don't really know where I belong - I just know that I need some support sometimes (more than my wonderful DH can provide).[/QUOTE]

Hi Anniej, your post resonated with me. My abuser caused the distruction of my family as well. I always felt somewhat responsible - and was actually told I was at fault by his wife ( a woman who was a second mother to me) and his son.

For the most part I walk through this alone - but it is so isolating. It is so hard explaing to others (and myself) how the abused shaped and changed me. It is also so shaming.

I was also raped. I also have told very few people and infact have only begun using the word in the past year or so.

I think it is normal to feel like our pain is not as valid as someone elses. But, I know part of me broke inside when a man took the love and respect I offered him as a child, and turned it into something dirty and damaging that haunts me as an adult.

I wish you peace. And offer you my support.

[Silliest]

Hey, anniej,

none of us has a monopoly on suffering. If anyone ever *does* imply that using the term "rape" to describe your experience somehow devalues their own experience, you just send them to me. I've got a shoehorn they can use to get their head out of their *** ;-p

People often misunderstand violence. They think that only physical force is "violence".
I don't know if it's ignorance or denial... if they don't admit that being mean to people hurts, then they don't have to take responsibility for their own meanness, maybe.

Whatever.

I am a survivor of both physical and emotional abuse, and I've been both forcibly raped and non-physically coerced into unwanted sexual acts.

Personally, I'll take a good honest beating any day (thought I'd prefer neither, TYVM).

The feelings you described of not knowing if I *did* "ask for it" in some way, not knowing if I was "giving off signals" or something... that crap is a lot easier for *me* to deal with when someone has been hitting me. That makes it obvious that they're the screwed up predator and I'm not some kind of sicko who likes being abused.

When it's all head-games, it's a lot *LOT* harder to figure out.
Ultimately, the answer is the same.

It's not your fault (or mine, either) and none of the residual crap that your extended family are putting you through is your fault either. It's not your fault that they're buttheads to your mom and brother. It's not your fault that they try to exclude you from family events.

Their own denial may be too strong for them to even understand that they are continuing the abuse, but that's exactly what they're doing. It's still not your fault.
You can do things to protect yourself and your children, and you can work on your own healing, but that's about it.

[Silliest]

Just a thought.. not that this precise thing would work for you, but just as a direction to think about in your own way, I got the idea one time to bury my mother ;-p
Not literally, but symbolically.

My mother was my original abuser, and though we don't have much contact, I still had a huge problem for a long time with thinking that maybe *this* time things would be different...

I wrote up a little story about my *real* mommy. The one who loved me, treasured me, protected, me, cared for me, and was always there for me.
(She was *totally* imaginary <LOL!> My bio mom is the only one I've got.)
I assembled some junky little "keepsakes" of my nice mommy, and put them in a box with my little story, and I built a nice bonfire, and I burned it all to ashes and buried them, and held my own private funeral for my "real" (imaginary) mom.

I never had that caring loving mom. I never will. That dream is dead and buried.
Now when I deal with my egg-donor, (I feel nuts even saying this! <LOL!>)) I know that my "Real Mommy" is dead, and this is just some woman who didn't abort me <shrug> She's nothing to me. Her games don't really matter. She's a stranger. My "Real Mommy" who loved me is dead. And so is the dream that one day the Bitch might turn into a Real Mommy.

I won't say I'm cured. But it's helped me to sort out the things that I must attribute to her, and the responsibilities that I must bear. It helps me to let it pass when she says or does something that is calculated to hurt. It's like watching someone else's mother being mean. It's sad, but it's not my problem.

I don't know if this is *healthy* in the long term, but it sure has helped me cope on a day-to-day basis.

It sounds like you're looking for a way to shield yourself from continuing hurt from your family.. maybe something like that would help you get some emotional distance?

[kalisis]

...

[pjlioness]

Oh, anniej,



I feel sad for anyone who would reject your situation. They must really be hurting to do that. I doubt anyone here would try to minimize your experience. Rape, no matter how many times, is abuse, and you were molested for years before he finally raped you. It sounds awful.

I'm very sorry your aunt treats you so badly. That hurts you all over again.

None of it is your fault. He was wrong, and your aunt is too hurt and angry to see the truth.

Peace,

[pjlioness]

Originally Posted by moonfroggy

but when i see how small a child is at ages i was abused, and realize i was that small, or probably even smaller since i was always very small for my age, i sometimes get a bit freaked out, so yeah i have a long way to go

thank you for your kind words

A lot of us find it difficult to understand why/how our parents did what they did to us when we were as small as our kids. I wonder how my parents could have listened to me bawling my eyes out and still insist that they were doing the right thing. I wish I'd had better role models; I would be better able to deal with my kids when they are very upset.

You're welcome. Any time. Talking about this helps me/us too.

[pjlioness]

Silliest,

I really like your idea of burying your dream parent. It sounds to me like a very healthy way to deal with the reality that you don't/didn't have the parent you need/ed. I'm glad it's been so helpful for you. It's something for me to keep in mind for the future, though my relationship with my folks is much better now, even though they still don't get how they screwed me up (my mom is/was the main problem though).

*sigh* If only it weren't so much work to make my life easier.

[loved]

Thank you for this thread. I too was "rejected" from the SA forum for lack of sufficient posts even though I have been here for years. Ah well.

Someday I will post more. So much healing to do.
:

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I belong here too, although hope I'm not intruding. I haven't been a member long enough to get access to the Abuse forum, so hope I am welcomed here.

My name is Jenni, I'm 23 years old. I was sexually abused by my mother for a majority of my childhood. (my earliest memories of it, I was about 5 years old, but my gut tells me it started prior to that). It went on until I was about 9 or so. At 12, I was violently raped, losing my 'virginity' in that way....

I went through years of abuse at the hands of the family who took me in when my mother didn't want to parent (virtually since the day I was born, but we lived in a large house with my grandmother, uncle, aunt and a cousin). I married at 18, and was happy. I became pregnant, he became abusive. He beat me for years before I finally said 'enough' and left. We're in the legal process of divorcing, but have no contact. (he's signing over parental rights to my daughter).

I suffer horrendously with my sexual self-esteem, and my self-esteem in general. I don't feel I've any right to enjoy sex, or be a sexual being. I push away my SO by being too demanding sexually. I honestly feel like I'm only good for sex, and if I'm not doing that constantly, then I mustn't be loved It puts so much pressure on him, and on us... I worry that I'm ruining my relationship over it...

I want and need help, but don't know where to turn...

[CaraboosMama]

Originally Posted by mellybean

how many of you are dealing with the long-term effects of abuse? such as stress or anxiety disorders, or physical disorders? i don't think many people realize that there are long-term effects, or why we use the term "survivors" instead of "victims."

Hi! I was considering waiting for the SA forum - but...My DH is wonderful & I am not overly concerned about privacy on this issue. I guess, I just feel embarresed to talk about it w/ IRL friends sometimes and am not sure how they will react.

I was molested by a friend of the family for many years. It affected my realtionships for years - but with the help of a good therapist and a very gentle, caring man (dh) things have dramatically improved & I was finally able to discuss it with my parents. I decided not to confront my abuser (or name him to my parents), but that is another long story for a different day.

BUT....since having a daughter, the fear of not being able to keep her safe is paralyzing at times. My dh & I are talking about ttc#2, but the thing that holds me back if my own childhood. I am the oldest, and both of my younger brothers were a handful. My mother also had many emotional problems while we were growing up & was not always "available." My dad worked a lot & traveled a lot for work too. He always commented that I seemed sad - but didn't seem to know what to do about it.

Part of me feels like, if it weren't for all the difficulties with my brothers, my mom would have noticed what was happening to me. Maybe if it had been just me - it wouldn't have happened. I love my brothers and we are incredibly close now as adults. I DO want to have another child - but this irrational fear that a second child will make it harder to keep each of them safe is hard to shake.

Thanks for listening....if any of you have any thoughts to add...please do!

and
to all of you who have been through or are currently dealing with abuse in your lives.

if you remember nothing else today: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED!

--Kate

[whateverdidiwants]

Originally Posted by loved

Thank you for this thread. I too was "rejected" from the SA forum for lack of sufficient posts even though I have been here for years. Ah well.

Someday I will post more. So much healing to do.
:

Me too.

I understand only wanting people that they "know", but I think it's crappy that someone who posts a zillion times on fluff threads can get in while people (like me) who only post on more substantial threads have to wait even though they've been here for years. If anything, I think it's a reaction to my abuse - not talking unless I feel like I really have something important or worthwhile to contribute. I guess I could go post a bunch of crap to reach thier desired number, but it would totally go against how I do things. At this rate, it's going to take me another year to reach 500.

[pjlioness]

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants

Me too.

I understand only wanting people that they "know", but I think it's crappy that someone who posts a zillion times on fluff threads can get in while people (like me) who only post on more substantial threads have to wait even though they've been here for years. If anything, I think it's a reaction to my abuse - not talking unless I feel like I really have something important or worthwhile to contribute. I guess I could go post a bunch of crap to reach thier desired number, but it would totally go against how I do things. At this rate, it's going to take me another year to reach 500.

I hear ya. I've been a member since two incarnations of this forum ago. If all of my posts were counted, I'd be in. In the meantime, I started a Yahoo group for MDC mamas who are waiting for the forum, if anyone is interested. (PM me for info.) A few more members could help keep it hopping.

I also don't speak up much, unless I have a question or really, truly know what I'm talking about...I've always felt very different from my peers and am always afraid of more experienced parents looking down on my knowlege just because I don't have kids like theirs - not as many, not as old, don't act like theirs, etc. It doesn't help that I've had mainstream friends do just that. :

(Side note: Ever try to type with a 30+lb naked 2yo stomping around/dancing on your leg? I am. It's amusing. )

Anyway, It helps me to know that there are other MDC mamas out there struggling with some of the same issues.

[mandalamama]

Originally Posted by anniej

Awww Silliest - that really stinks. You meet all the requirements and they still won't let you in? Seems a bit self-defeating, doesn't it? To take women who are already in bad situations or have issues to deal with and then start picking and choosing among them.

Well, I just have to say you're welcome to stay here. I think there are quite a few of us who will be around for awhile - based on our number of posts and/or how long we have to wait to fulfill our year requirement.

i think it stinks, also. Silliest you've posted such wonderful support in this thread, i would think that would speak volumes about your compassionate character.

how is everyone doing? i'm in the SA group but will also post here, there are some things i feel safe to talk about more openly. like anniversary reactions. August 30th is a big one for me, it was the day 8 years ago i confronted my dad. i was 31 at the time. so that was a whole lot of years or repression and denial to break through, for me. every August, i get this feeling of dread that just gets worse and worse. i didn't know it was an anniversary reaction until i saw a therapist. i have a few bad times each year, but August is always my worst. this year it seems worse because i'm going through some sudden health problems, so i'm stressed out.

anyone else have anniversary reactions?