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"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Page 4

post #61 of 182
There are certain times of the year that I just plain dislike. Are anniversary reactions supposed to get better over time?
As part of my divorce I seem to be expected to bring up everything thats happened to me during my marriage and I really think Its not fair to add that stress to the normal stress of getting divorced. Maybe someone will finally hold dh accountable. Maybe I should want to tell my story but I just don't feel totally ready right now.. Oh I am being so pessimistic so I will be seeking courage and confidence and hope for helpful people in my life.
Usually I don't talk alot but sometimes I blabber on so much I surpise myself. I sometimes keep information to myself that I know because I don't want to act like I'm correcting someone's errors.
post #62 of 182
As you post here, please keep your discussion to the topic of abuse and healing and refrain from posting to discuss your membership in the Surviving Abuse forum. Posts violating the following portion of the User Agreement will be removed:
Posting to debate or criticize the MDC User Agreement, or to otherwise discuss the moderators, administrators, or their actions. Constructive criticism and questions for purposes of clarification may be sent through the Private Message feature or by email to the moderator or administrator.
post #63 of 182
Originally Posted by mellybean
every August, i get this feeling of dread that just gets worse and worse. i didn't know it was an anniversary reaction until i saw a therapist. i have a few bad times each year, but August is always my worst. this year it seems worse because i'm going through some sudden health problems, so i'm stressed out.

anyone else have anniversary reactions?
I get an end of summer reaction. Most of my abuse occured during the summer months while our two families camped together and at the end of summer and beginning of hunting season we would go on a longer trip that was a big drunken binge.

I find my memories of the abuse are so hazy that I don't know when the abuse ended, started, changed in nature etc, but it was on a camping trip that he was caught.

I know that feeling of dread you describe. For me I also get this building anxiety with it, that makes me want to run away from my life - or create some sort of drama to aleviate the pain...

I have actively worked at not creating a dramatic outlet through the years and simply worked through the pain, but this year I'm not getting there...
post #64 of 182
I don't have memories of when... I was so young when everything started, and a majority of my childhood is a blur really... I don't remember too much of anything befpre the age of about 11, I think... It's all such a blur...

Events that have happened in my life since, (as an adult), I remember the dates... It freaks my SO out. He doesn't remember things, and thinks I only remember 'bad dates' to torture myself and make myself suffer.... If only he realized, I can't forget... I try, but I just can't...

Originally Posted by ceilydhmama
For me I also get this building anxiety with it, that makes me want to run away from my life - or create some sort of drama to aleviate the pain...
I know this exact feeling as well... I deal with that one alot...
post #65 of 182
Sorry I don't have to time to go through all the posts right now, but I want to send (((hugs))) to all of you.

I'm waiting to join that forum as well. Talking to my DH and a friend (who happens to be a psychologist) has helped immensely.

I used to think that repressed memories were all fiction, but I had done it to myself. Now I know that it really does happen. It's how the mind copes with it sometimes. Now I'm able to deal with it and heal the wounds.
post #66 of 182
needing a shoulder....

My dad's in the hospital... Has been since Sunday, and I'm not totally sure what's going on... He's never been sick, but has been an aocholic since he was a teen...He's now 61... I've felt forever that my dad was killing himself with this, and here we are... I dunno what's gonna happen...

I love my dad immensely, but I hold so much pain and anger toward him... He knew my mother was abusing me... He saw it happen, and knew it was happening, and never stopped it I do think that's just as bad as abusing someone, and just, have never stopped blaming my dad for not helping me....

I'm dealing with alot right now.. I don't want to lose my dad... But at the same time, still so angry with him... My whole life has been affected by my childhood... I will never be 'normal', and don't feel I will ever truly be completely 'sane'... I deal with so much on a day to day basis, that I feel is directly connected to my childhood...

But I miss him just the same (we live 3000 miles apart, and I have not seen nor spoke to him in nearly 2 years... I decided to cut my mother from my life over 4 years ago, and after that she made it harder for my father to continue a relationship with me... Eventually, forcing him and I to no longer contact one another.. He doesn't even know where I live now, or anything about my life )
post #67 of 182
i'm so glad i found this thread! thank you to all who started it. my heart is racing up into my throat as i write, feelings flushing to the top,.... whew!

i'm sorry i haven't read all the posts.

birthmomstepmom, your sharing really touched me. i felt close to your experience. my heart goes out to you. .... my father was alcoholic too and my mother was a rageholic. my father passed away nearly 12 years ago. i love my dad very deeply too.

for along time i wanted to be disassociated from my family completely, from all families, as i could not trust nor feel safe at all. in my twenties i did alot of therapy, then in my thirties i began travelling and ended up living in asia for many years without family contact. i met my husband in korea (he is korean) and we moved back to canada a few years ago. now in my forties and since our daughter's birth, i have come to feel/realize that what is really healing my family is having faith in my own. healing into the past as well as into the future. admitting my connnection to both. its a huge responsibility to step forward, and one is niether clean, nor in control; but rather, is messy, dynamic and requires a commitment to continuing awareness. my connection to my past still disturbs me. i have to be very careful of myself. the abuser lives in me. i can feel my mother in me. that scares me. makes me feel shameful and unlovable. i pray that my daughter will grow up knowing unconditional love from me, yet i feel still unworthy of love myself. i am working on loving myself in spite of myself. i pray that my prayers will have effect!

after nearly a decade of almost no contact with my mother, now i live within a thirty minute walk to her house! yikes! but, i'm ok with it. we see each other at least once a week. part of me would still love to live a thousand miles away again; that way i wouldn't have to deal with so many emotional messes, but i know my work is here now for the time being.

i feel kind of shakey writing all this, but i know its a good step for me. i look forward to getting to know you all on this board.

post #68 of 182
Hi MaT
Hope you like it here
post #69 of 182
For the family court services social worker, my stbx listed one of my friends as a reference for him, and said she was my former friend who thinks I have issues from my childhood. When I spoke to her she said I think I can be fair because I know what he used to be like. This hurts on so many levels. He went after her because she was my friend and he wanted to take that away from me. That she actually thinks he has changed, when I am sure he hasn't. Well I am bummed out lately but hopefully will step into a happier place really soon.
post #70 of 182
Thanks for the welcome!

I read mdc pretty much everyday, especially gd threads to keep me on track and to stay compassionate to the process of parenting. I don't respond much to threads, unless i really know what i am talking about and even then i hesitate with shyness.

Thanks again.
post #71 of 182
Hey ladies
I got my year long protection order so there is an invisible 500 foot bubble around me. I am so relieved
post #72 of 182
This should be post 500 for me, but now I'm unsure about reapplying for the forum. Just nerves I think. Bah.
post #73 of 182
bump - how is everyone doing?
post #74 of 182
I am doing well. Hope everyone is also
post #75 of 182
Lots, and lots going on with me. I re-told my Story to my sponser as part of my recovery. And I am a little freaked out that someone out there knows Everything about me - all the dark crannies and dank smelling places. It's good. And it's still scary, but I know I am where I am supposed to be.

This stuff from our past really does create our futures if We don't change our patterns, thoughts and behaviors. I Know that in my bones - that we create our own reality.

I am realing from my divorce. Realing from having to move to a place that I never wanted to ever live, where I have no friends or support. Realing from the loss of my mother. Realing from the loss of my career as a midwife. Realing from getting my ass sober. Realing from getting plugged back into my god/dess. And I'm doing really fine today.

And that's a huge gift.

&*^% passes, and good stuff comes. And then it hits the fan again.
post #76 of 182


"I will never be 'normal', and don't feel I will ever truly be completely 'sane'..."

Normal? isn't that a setting on the dryer?

I can surely relate to all that is being said here and I agree that we need not be silenced! We need to tell our stories inorder to regain sanity.

I confronted my mother(and I use that term loosely) ten years ago on issues from my childhood. She was a heroine addict, her second husband sexually abused me infront of her, I was raped by an aquaintance of hers as a teen and really just never felt safe or loved in her care. I confronted her because my sister 10 yrs old at the time was still in her care and I wanted her to realise how her lifestyle had hurt me and was hurting my sister. She had stopped doing heroine at this point but was still prostituting from time to time for cash and smoking copious amounts of pot. My little sister was often left alone or with sketchy people.

Her response? That I was lying. That because she could not recall the sex abuse incident that it really must not have happened. She questioned the guy who raped me as a teen and of course he denied it. She took his story as real and mine as fabricated. She told me that she actually felt sorry for me that I had to make up such lies to get attention . That I was making these claims as a cry for help for my own mundane life. grrrrrr.....

My sister and I are adults now and I am a survivor of a horrendous child hood.This only touches the tip of the ice berg for my childhood stories. My sister struggels with annorexia and I have my own issues and demons that still lurk but grow smaller each time I tell my story.

I have been through counselling, al-anon, spiritual seeking etc and my life today is no longer over shadowed by my past. I am with a man who has his struggles with anger and shame and he can be very verbally and emotionally abusive. This is getting better though as we have reached out to our community via church,counsellors etc. We live in a very supportive community and especially our church family has stepped up to the plate and in a healthy way gives non judgemental loving support. I went to my pastor a year ago and asked for help because my dp was out of control with anger and I was ready to leave him. I was expecting some kind of help as far as prayer goes and even feared judgement that I wanted to leave him. Instead my pastor assured me that what was happening was wrong and no husband should ever treat his wife with anything but the highest respect. He taught me that a husband must love his wife like Christ loved the church. Whoa....I was floored and healing began.My pastor couselled dp, got him an accountability partner that he has to answer to every week and I am amazed at the little miracles of change that have taken place.

I was pro active not living under the shadow of my shame and that equalled with a healthy response from my community has propelled us forward down the road to mental and spiritual health.

I have made mistakes and still do with parenting and with loving my dp. I am still working out trust issues in regards to men and trying to keep perspective on how far I have come.

Through al-anon I am able to let go of my past hurt and take control of my life and practice healthy boundaries. And through my faith in my higher power I am finding forgiveness for myself and others and ultimately releasing my shame.

My most important lesson and daily mantra are the 3 c's

" I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it" only my higher power can do that. So every day I am letting go and letting God.

Hope this does not sound preachy as my intention is to share how I have found a path to healing.

If anyone is intersted and need to talk anonymously you can pm me and I can offer support and ideas of how to crawl out from under the hurt and shame that keeps us down. Or just reply to this post and keep talking about it cuz this is where the healing begins.

Blessings to everyone and you are in my prayers.
post #77 of 182

Greetings and Kudos

Hi Everyone,

I just want you to know that I have just found this thread and am so impressed by all of you. You are all so brave and honest and real...

I would like to join in your discussions, too. I have already babbled a lot on the thread I created in PG, called:

"Family Rallying Around Suspiscious Relative and Trying to Make Me the Scapegoat-Again"

so I won't talk much right now. I am, however, in full support of you all...

Blessings and Love,
post #78 of 182
Yep, I'm waiting too. I think I have about 8 more months or so before I can get in. I was abused as a child. It really messed me up for a long time. I went on meds (i'm bipolar) for a while and that seemed to help a lot. I hate that so much of my childhood has spilled over into my adult life.
post #79 of 182
Welc me Sharlla!
post #80 of 182
Also waiting, but not even in my grasp yet. I joined a "survivor's" website a while back but found it was more liek a contest of people wanting to outdo each other's stories or something...thats the feeling I got, anyway. So it was not helpful.

I was the victim of one violent crime, one time. It was in 1988 and every few years something surfaces in me. Reading "The Lovely Bones" did it this time and I have felt broken for months.

So yeah, waiting for somewhere to spill it all, talk about it, seek out people who might understand. A year seems like an eternity but what else can you do?
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