"I will never be 'normal', and don't feel I will ever truly be completely 'sane'..."
Normal? isn't that a setting on the dryer?
I can surely relate to all that is being said here and I agree that we need not be silenced! We need to tell our stories inorder to regain sanity.
I confronted my mother(and I use that term loosely) ten years ago on issues from my childhood. She was a heroine addict, her second husband sexually abused me infront of her, I was raped by an aquaintance of hers as a teen and really just never felt safe or loved in her care. I confronted her because my sister 10 yrs old at the time was still in her care and I wanted her to realise how her lifestyle had hurt me and was hurting my sister. She had stopped doing heroine at this point but was still prostituting from time to time for cash and smoking copious amounts of pot. My little sister was often left alone or with sketchy people.
Her response? That I was lying. That because she could not recall the sex abuse incident that it really must not have happened. She questioned the guy who raped me as a teen and of course he denied it. She took his story as real and mine as fabricated. She told me that she actually felt sorry for me that I had to make up such lies to get attention
. That I was making these claims as a cry for help for my own mundane life. grrrrrr.....
My sister and I are adults now and I am a survivor of a horrendous child hood.This only touches the tip of the ice berg for my childhood stories. My sister struggels with annorexia and I have my own issues and demons that still lurk but grow smaller each time I tell my story.
I have been through counselling, al-anon, spiritual seeking etc and my life today is no longer over shadowed by my past. I am with a man who has his struggles with anger and shame and he can be very verbally and emotionally abusive. This is getting better though as we have reached out to our community via church,counsellors etc. We live in a very supportive community and especially our church family has stepped up to the plate and in a healthy way gives non judgemental loving support. I went to my pastor a year ago and asked for help because my dp was out of control with anger and I was ready to leave him. I was expecting some kind of help as far as prayer goes and even feared judgement that I wanted to leave him. Instead my pastor assured me that what was happening was wrong and no husband should ever treat his wife with anything but the highest respect. He taught me that a husband must love his wife like Christ loved the church. Whoa....I was floored and healing began.My pastor couselled dp, got him an accountability partner that he has to answer to every week and I am amazed at the little miracles of change that have taken place.
I was pro active not living under the shadow of my shame and that equalled with a healthy response from my community has propelled us forward down the road to mental and spiritual health.
I have made mistakes and still do with parenting and with loving my dp. I am still working out trust issues in regards to men and trying to keep perspective on how far I have come.
Through al-anon I am able to let go of my past hurt and take control of my life and practice healthy boundaries. And through my faith in my higher power I am finding forgiveness for myself and others and ultimately releasing my shame.
My most important lesson and daily mantra are the 3 c's
" I didn't c
ause it, can't c
ontrol it and can't c
ure it" only my higher power can do that. So every day I am letting go and letting God.
Hope this does not sound preachy as my intention is to share how I have found a path to healing.
If anyone is intersted and need to talk anonymously you can pm me and I can offer support and ideas of how to crawl out from under the hurt and shame that keeps us down. Or just reply to this post and keep talking about it cuz this is where the healing begins.
Blessings to everyone and you are in my prayers.