"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Page 5

[mandalamama]

welcome, ladies!

[mom2littlebean]

HI Stinkerbell,

I hope you find a safe place to talk...I think we are pretty empathetic here.

If you would like to pm me I would be a good listener and can offer advice based on my own healing journey.

Hugs and Blessings,
Steph

[Stinkerbell]

Thank you, Steph. It's frustrating to KNOW you are not alone in this feeling but to FEEL like you are.

[mom2littlebean]

Hi Stinkerbell...Big hug to you!


I know the feeling of being alone. The more I reach out for support and the more I tell my story the less I feel alone. For me the shame of my life experiences held me back. There is a great book by John Bradshaw called "Healing the Shame that Binds You". Deals with shame based issues of disfunctional families.

I am not sure of the origin of your trauma wether it is family based or not, But I can tell you that the more we talk about our issues in a safe place the more we can heal. I use to try and pretend like I could just forget about my past and with a positive attitude it would just go away. That was not successful.I carried the shame of my addicted parents, I grew up in a first nations home and there was a lot of shame that surrounded our ethnicity(I was born blonde hair ,blue eyes and stuck out like a sore thumb), I Felt ashamed of being raped,...I basically felt shame for being me.

I no longer live under that shame and the more I reveal the dirty little secrets the more they seem like nothing. I am getting my power back and I feel like I can handle anything now. Well today anyways.

It has taken serious hard work on myself through reading,counselling,support groups, etc to climb out of my black hole.

I wish you love and peace and I wish for you to know that you are not alone and that you can grow out of your pain.

,
Steph

[heldt123]

Hello everyone! s

I'm not sure why I haven't joined the Surviving Abuse forum yet...I guess being in a verbally/mental abuse situation makes me feel like I may not belong there. yn, feeling like it's not "bad" enough. I don't know...

[pjlioness]

Originally Posted by heldt123

Hello everyone! s

I'm not sure why I haven't joined the Surviving Abuse forum yet...I guess being in a verbally/mental abuse situation makes me feel like I may not belong there. yn, feeling like it's not "bad" enough. I don't know...

I doubt anyone else would challenge your membership in the forum. Abuse and violence leave their marks on everyone, and it can be helpful to talk to others who have been there.

Most of the abuse I received from my folks was emotional, and not paticularly *violent*, but I am looking forward to getting into the forum someday.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Hey! How is everyone doing?

I keep seeing this thread pop up in my subscribed threads, but something keeps me from reading some days... Anyone else deal with that??

Something that has me thinking lately... I posted on TAO about people's lateness, and how it bugged me etc... And I posted a reply today mentioning how all my life people have walked all over me, and I don't feel like I deserve it anymore... WOW, talk about a nice slap in the face when I admitted that to myself... I feel so eager to take action and not let anyone take me for granted anymore, but I'm still so scared... Scared of losing what little I might still have in life...

*sighs*

Another day...

[mandalamama]

Originally Posted by heldt123

Hello everyone! s

I'm not sure why I haven't joined the Surviving Abuse forum yet...I guess being in a verbally/mental abuse situation makes me feel like I may not belong there. yn, feeling like it's not "bad" enough. I don't know...

abuse is abuse, be it physical, verbal or mental. it's not a competition, you know? if you feel abused, you've been abused. c'mon in whenever you can

[Englishmummy]

I suppose I am waiting for the abuse forum too, although it is a long way off...

My parents abused me in many different ways and I see it as a shadow over my adult, parenting, married life. I lose my temper with my husband (all directed at him, not my son (thinking:'yet')), which results in rather sad, confused situations. But my life is much happier than it was just a year ago. So, I am patiently waiting for the abuse forum

If anyone has any particular advice for dealing with these kind of problems (ie anger directed at someone else due to abuse as a child), please let me know.

Loving thoughts to all...

[pranamama]

Hello to all
I learned alot about myself as I embraced attachment parenting and was able to carry the care I had for my children into how other relationships could be. When I was younger I thought yelling was normal and families that didn't yell were weird.

[Rigama]

Hi All.

I'm waiting too, but since I just joined MDC a couple weeks ago, i'm a loooong way off.

I was physical and emotionally abused by my mother, both parents were alcoholics/addicts, and at times we didn't have a roof over our heads. I have early memories of what I believe to be sexual abuse by a friend of my parents, but I suspect it's happend at least one other time by one other man...several years after the first incident. Growing up, my stepbrother lived with us off and on, and when I was about 17 he was living with us. His room was connected to mine. He came home wasted (he was also an addict/alcoholic) and tried to rape me. I managed to keep myself together well enough to get him off of me, threaten to scream and wake up dad, and then call the cops. I haven't spoken to him since I left home 11 years ago. I was also sexually assualted in my apartment when I was in college. lol...see a pattern here?

But it's the mother stuff that really gets to me. I'm shocked and sickened by the thoughts that pop into my head when DS is pulling my hair. I feel like I've worked my rear off for 30 years to not make the same decisions my mother made, to not be the same person she is, and when I contemplate pulling his hair back, or when I find myself thinking "God, I could throw this kid into a wall!" I'm mortified to find that I'm my mother after all. I have never once hurt my ds, but the fact that I've thought about it is more than I can bare.

Ugh. I'm sorry for the babble. I didn't intend to go on for so long.

[Minky]

I am waiting, too.

I was sexually abused over a long period of time by a family friend. I consider myself a survivor because I have gone on to have a full and wonderful marriage, a beautiful daughter and one more baby on the way.

There are certain things that have brought the abuse back for me though, the circumcision issue was one of them (My abuser was intact). I am also very wary of family members or friends watching DD, of posting personal info on the net like my real name or location. I am a survivor and have most things under control but I often feel like some sort of support would be very welcome.

Look's like I'm a long way off from the surviving abuse forum though!

[shell024]

also waiting...

I was with an abusive boyfriend before DP. It was a short relationship, and he was on ice & had borderline personality disorder, grew up in abusive home, etc etc etc... I thought I could "save" him, blah blah blah.

I have stopped ever bringing it up with DP because he cannot understand. He is very angry with the guy, and I sense that he is angry at me for "getting involved"... : It sucks because to everyone who knows me personally, this happened awhile ago and "I'm over it"....but I'm not. I see things come through my current relationship...such as being confused about what to call DP on or not... (is he out of line? just being a guy? am I overreacting? is it worth an arguement?) ARGH.

[Minky]

I had a hard time with the same issues with DH particularly while we were dating. I have found it more helpful to ask, "So is this just a guy thing or what?" rather than saying, "I'm having issues with such and such cos I was abused." It is hard not to be able to mention it though.

[Snowdrift]

I've been lurking here for a while and thought it was time to introduce myself. It'll be a looooong while til I can get into the abuse forum--just joined MDC this month. I kinda outgrew my old internety place as it was mostly teens and got a little too crazy at times.

I was sexually abused by my aunt's husband in my late teens and I think also by my grandfather--my aunt's dad. I always feel obligated to add that it was non-penetrative sexual abuse, to avoid trying to sound like it was "real" abuse. My mother was emotionally and verbally abusive for most of my life. All of this helped contribute to issues I had with severe self-injury in my early twenties.

I parted with my immediate family as well as my extended family on my father's side due to religious differences and a lot of bad memories. My current struggle to trying to find balance between demanding some level of respect for my autonomy and my family's while not disrespecting my family and their religion. This is pretty hard since the issues of faith are all tied up in the emotional issues.

Man, I wish I could tell the whole story, but that would be awfully long and would probably upset a lot of folks. Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself.

[jmreinke]

Originally Posted by tie-dyed

I was sexually abused by my aunt's husband in my late teens and I think also by my grandfather--my aunt's dad. I always feel obligated to add that it was non-penetrative sexual abuse, to avoid trying to sound like it was "real" abuse. My mother was emotionally and verbally abusive for most of my life. All of this helped contribute to issues I had with severe self-injury in my early twenties.

I have always felt the same way as you describe - feeling like it was not real abuse. I was never touched, so I felt like it should have been nothing, and I should have just gotten over it. However, it has really affected my life in many harmful ways. It wasn't until my therapist, an expert in sexual abuse kept telling me that what happened was very harmful, and it WAS real abuse. He said that my emotional reaction is the SAME as someone who was raped. ALL sexual abuse is damaging and you deserve healing just like the rest of us. There is no special club, there are no requirements as to what your abuse has to be in order to deserve healing.

You say that you were emotionally and verbally abused by your mom (so was I), so you understand just how damaging that kind of abuse can be. It really really doesn't matter *what* happened when you were sexually abused. It happened, it was horrible, and you deserve healing. It wasn't your fault. I too understand the self-injury. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

[Rigama]

Hugs, Mamas.


Tie-Dyed and jmreinke, my mom beat the crap out of me on a regular basis, and let me tell you...On the days she decided she'd rather say horrible things to me, I felt like dying inside. I'd have much rather have her hit me, yank my hair, whatever, than to tell me the awful things she did. Verbal abuse hurts like hell and what's worse, it really messes with your head.

And Tie-Dyed, even if it was "non penetrative", it was still sexual abuse and it was still wrong and very damaging to you. I'm so sorry for all you've gone through.

Rigama

[jmreinke]

Originally Posted by Rigama

Hugs, Mamas.


Tie-Dyed and jmreinke, my mom beat the crap out of me on a regular basis, and let me tell you...On the days she decided she'd rather say horrible things to me, I felt like dying inside. I'd have much rather have her hit me, yank my hair, whatever, than to tell me the awful things she did. Verbal abuse hurts like hell and what's worse, it really messes with your head.

And Tie-Dyed, even if it was "non penetrative", it was still sexual abuse and it was still wrong and very damaging to you. I'm so sorry for all you've gone through.

Rigama

I agree. Some days she did hit (she called it spanking) me, but the emotional abuse has left the biggest scars.

Same goes for verbal sexual abuse. It would almost be easier to deal with if I had been touched, as it fits better into society's categories of what sexual abuse is. I know that I've spent 20 years minimizing what happened to me. It wasn't until I finally acknowledged it for what is was: real, damaging, and it WAS sexual abuse, that I have finally made some big steps in healing.

My heart really goes out to those of us struggling with minimizing the abuse, thinking it doesn't count, etc, as I've been there, and I now realize just how hurtful the minimization is as well.

to all of us!

[monkeymimi]

Hi all,

Lurking and waiting, etc. I have yet to figure out for sure what is wrong with my mom - narcissicist personality? borderline personality? It is still wrong with her, whatever it is, but now I am an adult so she can't punch on me and terrorize me. Needless to say I am terrified of what I might do once my baby is here. I have been in therapy/ on meds for years. Twice I have tried to kill myself, the first time after speaking with her on the phone about how sad and lost I felt, and the second time because I sort of dissociated under stress and felt I was just like her, and would therefore rather be dead.

She appears to be a sweet, gentle, sensitive and concerned, super-maternal person. Only we at home, and the husband she had after my father I suspect, got to see the real deal. She seems to create a reality that she then stubbornly believes in, despite the reality the rest of us live in.

So, I have never felt that I was NOT abused, as I certainly was verbally, emotionally, and physically, but it has taken me a while to realize that because I wasn't raped or anything, it's still pretty damn bad. Things that happen to us when we are so little and vulnerable resonate enormously forever, literally changing the way our brains form. I am very angry at her about this, at the same time I worry about her because she is my mother and increasingly pathetic and by now alone.

I do have my therapist, but I really value having others to discuss similar issues with. My friends are really supportive and kind, but it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there.

Thanks to all of you for your bravery in posting here. I just changed my username for safety's sake.

[Snowdrift]

Originally Posted by elinofa

She appears to be a sweet, gentle, sensitive and concerned, super-maternal person. Only we at home, and the husband she had after my father I suspect, got to see the real deal. She seems to create a reality that she then stubbornly believes in, despite the reality the rest of us live in.

Souns like my mom. Mine is a phenomenal teacher. Really a fabulous teacher. She was even a good mothe rmuch of the time. But take the spotlight off of her or do something not in accordance with her little mental image of how things should be and WHOA! Psycho-lady! When it came out that my uncle had been molesting me her response was that it is importnat to make sure that no one ever knows. Nothing aobut was I ok, or legal recourse, or even telling him to stay away from me. Just make sure her MIL didn't find out.

Things that happen to us when we are so little and vulnerable resonate enormously forever, literally changing the way our brains form.

You are so right about that.