Ok mamas, lets lay our fears on the line... - Page 2

[Pom]

Oh, and colic. DD was colicky. And now we live in an apt complex with the most echo-y courtyard and sound-leaking windows with evil neighbors and if this one "cries too much" like DD did...well, I already run around closing windows and watching my blood pressure rise when I should be focusing on DD and staying calm and fending off nasty notes on my door and accusations and it gets unbearably hot in here around 4 - 7 pm...I'm rambling.

Colic.

[swebster]

ok here is my fear with way too much background......

many years back I ran a marvelous little daycare out of my home. it was a magical little place with great parents that were all close friends and the most delightful, creative little people to spend my days with. This was how I spent my early twenties-baking banana bread with one kid on the hip, five at my heels picking raisins out of my hair and changing diapers. I was always very full and had a long waiting list but very infrequently took kids whose parents I didn't know.

Well, one woman in particular who really nagged me to make room for her daughter and would frequently show up with her unannounced and just hang out wanting to chat while I was in the middle of important things (like making lunch or pretending to be snails or dinosaurs or acrobats) once said something that just stuck with me and to this day continues to be this awful thing I carry around.

So she shows up one day with a big shopping bag and announces that she's going to make cookies with the kids (ok, nice thought, but um.....who's home is this anyway.....plus we were a no-refined-sugar-kind of place and she was big into the nestle tollhouse....but I digress...)

Anyway, the kids don't want to participate in her activity-even her own daughter kind of snubs her (did I mention that she was fairly loud and overbearing?)

She says something about how great I am with kids, how I'll make such a great mother etc. to which I give my stock reply meant to assuage insecure parents (I'm great with other peoples kids, I'm sure it'll be a whole new ball game once I have one for keeps). She then goes into this whole monologue about how I'm right about that and because I'm so patient and loving and great I'll probably have a child with a handicap because babies choose their parents and god never gives more than you can handle and because I obviously can handle a lot I'm somehow better prepared for a disabled child or some such tragedy. I was floored and hurt. It was obvious that she had some jealousy issues and was working out her own hurt feelings by being a little catty, but her logic just totally stunned me. I feel so stupid for hanging on to this conversation for nearly 8 years, but can't help it. I've had such amazing strong bonds with so many children, from the daycare, from years of nannying, working in schools etc and this lingering feeling of not deserving a perfectly healthy high functioning child simply because I'm loving enough to accept a disabled child? WTH?

This came up again in conversations with my mom about whether to take the afp test. It turned out levels were higher than average for downs and I spent a few days before the ultrasound feeling really nervous. now that I've put the numbers in perspective (1 in 450? is this really information I needed?) I've stopped wasting time thinking about it, but my mom had this attitude of "whatever child you get you will love and they will be a gift and it will all be fine blah blah blah" which of course is a great attitude, but the way she was saying it was really pissing me off! I got so upset I remember saying "no I will not be fine, I will be very very very sad" I hated the assumption that I will be able to take whatever comes my way gracefully and the sort of underlying message that bad things would happen because I'm capable of handling them.

Ugh! It feels good to write this all out. I've told this story to DH and he feigned understanding very well but it was obvious that he didn't understand why i was placing so much energy into this silly conversation with a silly woman.

[ewe+lamb]

Fears

I am terrified of going into the hospital and ending up in the same situation as last time or like my sister - I wish that I could have the dream birth I really want - which would be at home with a midwife I really like - but 2nd time with GD this is never going to happen , I am very scared that here they tend to do what they think you want them to do without asking if that is really the case - ie bathe the baby, jabs, the list is endless.

I am scared that they won't let me keep the baby with me at all times even although I have stressed this at every visit.

They - being the nurses not my OB - just dont really reassure me at all and I don't really have the confidence in them and that they wont necessarily help me achieve what I would like in a birth rather than force me into a situation that ends up being disasterous. I know that they have never birthed anyone on hands and knees - and are not happy to change or try 'new' things, they think that giving birth on your back, legs in stirrups and fanny to the world is the norm!!!!!

DH needs to stay awake this time - he slept most of the time the last time - drove me round the bend.

I DONT WANT TO END UP WITH A C/SECTION OR TO BE CUT BY ANYONE. - that's the biggest one - but my old scar is really hurting me at the moment - is it just in my head or is it really real?

I want to be home as soon as possible all of us snuggled up with a new nursing baby.

I am very envious of those of you having homebirths - i think that that must be the most marvellous way to bring your baby into the world, with all that you need around you and in the safety and comfort of your own surroundings.

and to you all, in our last days/weeks of pregnancy land and can't wait to hear all the fantastic birth stories.

[bri276]

#1 Fear something bad happening to the baby.

Also I'm anemic- genetically AND iron deficient, so I'm a little afraid of losing too much blood and needing a transfusion or hemmorhaging and....you know what.

Afraid I won't be able to handle the pain and will end up leaving the birth center to go upstairs to the regular labor rooms to get an epidural. This would be very bad because it would just lead to pretty much everything going wrong- I wouldn't be able to birth in upright positions, which could lead to hours of pushing, pitocin, maybe c-section, etc etc etc. Plus upstairs the baby is taken away for TWO hours!!! I've waited so long to see this baby, the thought of having it taken away makes me furious.

A little afraid of problems w/ breastfeeding. I've read the Womanly Art of Bf'ing and I know how rare it is to truly just not have any milk but for some bizarre reason this has been concerning me all along, it's just so hard to believe anything is going to come out of my breasts! They've barely changed from since before I was pg (and they are ahem not large to begin with). I'll believe it when I see it, lol.

[pellifoli]

I'm afraid that being positive for Group B strep will be the first in a series of unnecessary interventions.

I am VERY afraid of a c-section. I don't want to miss the birth of my baby but don't know how I'd get through knowing they were cutting me open without losing my mind if I were conscious.

I'm afraid I won't be able to handle the pain. I'm worried that I don't have the stamina.

and there's a part of me that doesn't believe it will be ok, that the baby will be ok, that I'll be ok....being 40 years old at conception, and conceiving on the first try and everything going really well so far, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, worrying about losing the baby this late, or something going terribly wrong during labor, or something being really wrong with him after birth.

I'm worried I won't be able to breast feed, I was told my nipples are flat.

I'm worried about postpartum depression, although the depression I previously had appeared to be situational and cleared up once I worked through the issues, and fired the terrible therapist!

I'm worried about finances, how to handle if I don't go back to work which we're leaning towards, what if I can't handle being a SAHM, how to deal w/work people if I don't go back.

I wonder how DH and I will be, after being a couple for 12 years, with this new little person in our lives.

I worry that we won't have enough help, or that if my sister does come down to help, she'll drive me insane and we'll have fights and we'll lose what little closeness we've gained over the past year of being back in each others lives.

whew. I *think* I feel better. seems like a good way to purge ourselves of these undermining fears. thanks for the thread.

[MilkOnDemand]

swebster (((HUG))) What that woman said to you was horrible, mean, and hateful. Just because someone CAN seemingly handle a situation doesn't mean that they SHOULD, or that they somehow deserve it.

The idea of a less than perfect child can be devestating, and if it happens, mourn, deal, and find a way to accept it. I have a child with language difficulties, and one with life-threatening anaphylaxis to to several common things. People ask how I deal, I just do....it could be so much worse. Anyway, I'm sure some of you have seen this essay, but it really is true about having a "different" or "special" child.

Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley 1987

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

© Emily Perl Kingsley 1987

[Pelgie]

It is good to see that we are all getting some benefit from airing our fears in this safe forum. Here are mine: I'm afraid that I'll have a cascade of interventions or worse yet a c-section. I'm afraid there could be a health problem with the baby. I'm afraid my co-sleeping, highly-attached 2 year old will be upset while I"m in the hospital and resentful of the new baby. I'm afraid co-sleeping with new baby and ds will be difficult because they'll be waking each other up all night long. I'm afraid my ability to be a good and patient mother is going to be stretched thin by 2 little ones at once and that I'll be exhausted and crabby too often.

[IAmAMamaToLogan]

Originally Posted by soccerchic21

Fears...I have definitely been having a LOT lately

One big one is that I won't be able to deal with the pain. I keep hearing my MIL over and over in my head saying "well you needed drugs with Riley's birth what makes you think you won't this time?"
.

(((((((Sarah))))))) I needed drugs with Logan. (well probably didn't NEED but felt like I did) When we were planning our homebirth, I thought the same thing. Can I handle the pain this time even though I couldn't last time? You wouldn't believe what a difference it makes to put yourself in the mindset that you absolutely cannot have drugs.

When I was in labor with Adam, I decided not to be afraid of the pain but to understand it. Each contraction would last X amount of time and you get X amount of time in between. Take the time and use it to your advantage. Re-group, re-focus, and let your body relax.

[soccerchic21]

Originally Posted by IAmAMamaToLogan

(((((((Sarah))))))) I needed drugs with Logan. (well probably didn't NEED but felt like I did) When we were planning our homebirth, I thought the same thing. Can I handle the pain this time even though I couldn't last time? You wouldn't believe what a difference it makes to put yourself in the mindset that you absolutely cannot have drugs.

When I was in labor with Adam, I decided not to be afraid of the pain but to understand it. Each contraction would last X amount of time and you get X amount of time in between. Take the time and use it to your advantage. Re-group, re-focus, and let your body relax.

Thank you! I also need to remember that my MIL is a complete a$$ sometimes too

[Hey Mama!]

I'm TERRIFIED of a c-section. I'm also worried she'll come late, and I be flying 12 hours with a 2 week old instead of a 4-6 week old. I'm scared that something is wrong with the baby, and that family will make me feel bad because I refused all testing. I'm scared of the pain-I cannot receive any epi so that isn't even an option. I clearly remember the pain from Bethany's birth and I'm scared to go through it again. I'm also afraid of a long labor, like the 17 hour one I had with my first dd.

[Shanana]

Originally Posted by Pom

I worry about having to fight back or bicker with a nurse or OB about something like cord-cutting, or drinking juice, and getting annoyed b/c DH is not stepping up and taking care of stuff.

Oooh, Pom, you hit the nail on the head with this one. A worry of mine too. I'm afraid my wishes won't be honored during labor ... especially if I end up having to be transferred to L&D. I don't want to have to fight while I'm in the middle of labor.

I'm scared of the pain, but I think I'm even more scared of "stalling", or "appearing" to stall. It's one thing if you're suffering lots of pain but are dilating, and feel that something is being accomplished. I'm terrified I'm laboring for hours and hours and hours, only to find I'm not dilating, or am creeping along. I know from all the birth stories I've read that you can make no progress, and then bam, dilate a whole bunch all at once. So intellectually I know it doesn't necessarily mean anything. But in the middle of labor, and dealing with the pain, I think I would be so unbelievably discouraged if this happened to me.

I'm afraid of a c-section. I had laser surgery 12 years ago, and there's a chance there's scar tissue on my cervix. My OB (and doula) said this can almost always be broken up manually during labor (although it's a very painful process ), but there are the few cases where it can't, and the cervix won't dilate, and a c/s has to be done. This also feeds my fear about stalling ... am I stalling just because? Or is it because of the scar tissue? And when and how do I decide I'm not going to get any farther?

I'm afraid my baby will die before birth or during labor. This thought horrifies me so much I can't keep it in my brain for long. But it scares me.

Like a pp, I don't plan on telling anyone labor has started, and friends/family will get the news after the baby is born. But I'm scared my mom will figure it out and come to the hospital anyway. I know I have the strength to refuse her access to my room, but the drama of it all, and knowing she may be waiting in the waiting room may inhibit my labor.

I'm scared of becoming a parent. My family is so whacked, it has taken me years of work to undo some of the damage. I feel like I've made lots of changes, but I'm still terrified I'll pass down my family's legacy of insanity, and not be a good parent. I'm also afraid of all the things I'm going to have to give up (like I could have been out riding my motorcycle today, if I wasn't pregnant -- and I think it will be a good long while before I'm back in the saddle : ). I know I'll be gaining innumerable things, and they will far outweigh the things I'm going to lose, and once she's here I won't think twice about it. But right now it still scares me to think about losing all that stuff (my freedom, being responsible only for myself, etc.) : .

I'm scared of dealing with my mom after the baby comes. She is really screwed up, and I'll need to really be vigilant about her being around the baby. Plus she drives me nuts, and I can only handle so much exposure. This will inevitably lead to a blow-up(s). I dread this.

I'm afraid bfing will be hard ... really hard. And I'm afraid I'll have a colicky or fussy baby.

I'm afraid of post-partum depression, and/or not being able to cope due to exhaustion. I've been clinically depressed twice in my life, and while I've come to believe it was due to circumstances -- and I haven't felt depressed for years -- it still scares me to think about it.

I know there's more, but I can't remember right now! Good thread ...

Shana
EDD 7/29/05

[Pom]

Sarah (and others) - A woman told me a really interesting story about giving natural birth to her second (of 4 kids). First, she mentioned that as a rule, the 2nd births are supposed to be easiest, more so than even 3rd, 4th, etc., and that was true with her.

But what she said really made a difference was that with her 2nd, she somehow was imagining when the contractions became intense, how it was affecting the BABY, not her... and she started talking to it...like, "Oh. That was a big one. How did that feel, honey?" and she was imaginging the contractions moving the baby out towards her, these strong, gentle surges of muscle....anyway. Somehow this conversation she was having with the baby transfered the pain. She said she felt the least amount of pain with this birth than with any of her others, and she credits this mindset. I plan on trying that persepctive, as well.

Who knows? It's so crazy it might just work...

[VioletMommy]

Shana-wow. I have many of those worries. I had a cervical LEEP done 13 years ago, and a portion of my cervix was removed. Realizing the impact it could have on my labor, I freaked, and asked my MW about it. She was not too concerned, and said that if I don't dilate, she can do it manually, and that it isn't painful (??) I was suspicious about that, since I have heard quite differently.

Family-what a frequent source of pain and difficulty for some of us. Even though I have explained to my step-mother that her and my father are not invited to the hospital until after the baby is born, I still fear that they will walk in while I am in labor. This is unlikely, and I would tell them to get out of the hospital if they did something like that. Unfortunately, it sounds like a much more difficult situation with your mother...I'm sorry. Maybe you could have a friend 'stand guard' in the waiting room while you labor, so if your mom does show up, she won't get very far.

I was clinically depressed a few times in my life, but it has been nearly five years since the last episode, and I am confident that it was because my life was quite crappy during those times. I have thought about that and the chance of post partum depression, and I suppose I just need to keep watch of the symptoms more closely. You will do wonderful, take all the love and help you can (from those people who don't drive you nuts) and feed yourself well.

Violet, due 7-18-05

[MamanFrancaise]

Just wanted to say I hope all of our fears are resolved or at least calmed by the time we birth our babies into this world and a big to all of you for being brave and facing your fears.

[NordicMamma]

Originally Posted by VioletMommy

She was not too concerned, and said that if I don't dilate, she can do it manually, and that it isn't painful (??) I was suspicious about that, since I have heard quite differently.

I probably should NOt be telling you this, but my mother was dilated manually when she was in labour with me, and she said it hurt like HELL! (On the other hand, I was the fastest of her 3 births, and the only one to be born at home, so she still counts my birth as her best.)

[Shanana]

Violet, thank you for your kind thoughts .

It's nice to have such a safe place where I can voice my fears .

The one thing I do know is that I'm a very strong person ... it's how I've survived everything I've been through. I'm afraid I may forget this during labor, so I'm going to have dh remind me how strong I am if it seems like I'm getting overwhelmed, or things deviate from our preferred path.

I know I can do this. One way or another, no later than mid-August, I will have a baby in my arms!

I remembered one more fear though -- BACK LABOR!!!!! :LOL

Shana
EDD 7/29/05