or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › At what age will you allow your child to date?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

At what age will you allow your child to date? - Page 3

post #41 of 76
My boys are not going to date. When I think they are ready I will find and pick their wives for them.

post #42 of 76

this makes sense to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka
I gues we have a whole different philosphy pon dating. Our family doesn't believe in casual dating for dating purposes. So as a general rule we don't allow dating. h owever I see nothign wrong with having friends who are boys and we have worked hard (and so far sucedded) in fighting that you can only be friends with boys if they are boyfriends. So right now boys are nothing special and I don't se her desiring time alone with them for no particular reason any time soon.

even as a teenager, i didn't like the "i'm just "dating" to have fun" philosophy. i like the idea of having friends friends of both genders.
post #43 of 76
my daughter is 16 months old. my husband and i have very different backgrounds with sex and dating. i'd like my dd to have a really relaxed attitude about the opposite sex and i'd love for her to have close male friends. not sure at this point if we will set an age thing or just treat things on a case by case manner...
post #44 of 76

Forty!!!

post #45 of 76
Depends on her maturity level and who she wants to date I think.
post #46 of 76
Obviously I don't have firsthand experience w/this as my kids are still young, but just wanted to mention that sometimes it'll do more harm than good to outright forbid kids from doing what they want to do.
My parents waited until I was 14 and already (unbeknownst to them) interested in boys to inform me that I wasn't "allowed" to date until 16. Well, I just did whatever I wanted behind their backs, and I felt like they didn't care about my feelings at all and didn't trust me past the tip of my nose. We fought all the time and I never confided in them about anything. That kind of situation is definitely something to avoid
Just something to think on.
post #47 of 76
When she gets her driver's license.....unless she want's ME to drive her
post #48 of 76
It will all depend on maturity of the individual child and all, but I'm thinking 13ish for group dates and school dances, 15-16ish for solo dates just as a general guideline.

I suspect no matter what age we decide it's ok, dh will be sitting on the front porch with a baseball bat if dd is out 1 min past curfew. LOL
post #49 of 76
I think that as long as a girl feels confidant in herself and strong and smart enough to know what is right, she will not do anything that you would be ashamed of. Young girls who dont have healthy self-esteem, or feel the need to "fit in" or are just looking for validation from a male figure have a tendancy to try to find that kind of acceptance from boys in sexual ways.... I didnt have a trusting, and understanding relationship with my father, so when i was about 13, I experimented with sexuality and came up empty every time... Luckally i eventually knew better, but i attribute my mistakes to possibly not having a strong communication with my parents, and a need to validation. If you teach your daughter to love and respect herself, and you give her love and respect and explain to her that she is perfect with out having a boy-friend or a date. She will definatly get the message!!
post #50 of 76

article

http://associatedcontent.com/content...t_type_id=6309

here is an article you should read before you all your teen to date! its about being sexually active. and its scary today how young these kids are when they first have sex!
post #51 of 76
Ok, I want to clarify the question now - are we talking "dating" or are we talking "having sex"?

Though from my point of view it would not matter - they will *still* do it when they want and not when we "allow" them. (All right - *my* kids will, if they take after their mama that is :LOL )
post #52 of 76
I have three daughters and a son and do not allow "dating". My son is married with two children, so obviously this has not disadvantaged him at all!!

Have a look at these 10 "rules" for women/girls which are from a book called "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and published by Warner Books.

http://www.therulesbook.com/topten.html

This is a controversial little paper back with some life changing ideas that can give your daughters a firm foundation in self respect and personal boundaries they can live by.

I followed "The Rules" myself four years ago when I met my second husband, and we have been happily married for three years now. It was a great way to show my daughters how following some basic rules for living can lead to a healthy relationship and happiness.

I challenge you to read it yourself and give it to your daughters. It might be too late for you to adopt these principles, but just in time for your daughters!

Look around you and see the results of early dating and multiple partners. I was one of them, and it's never too late to choose a different way.

love to all
Lynn

"no longer afraid to be different, I love the results!!"

homebirth after 3 c-sections, extended breastfeeding, extended co-sleeping, home schooling for over 20 years, happily remarried to a man 26 years older than me, loving grandmother of two so far..........in my prime at 49! Life is good!
post #53 of 76

the rules

I have to say that "the Rules" really creep me out. it's one thing to have self respect and take good care of yourself, it's another thing for the point to be finding your "mr. right". i don't know...
post #54 of 76
Yep, me too. "Rules" weird me out. it's like telling you how to "sell yourself" better :

In my case case I just fell in love, snuck out from my parents, got pregnant early and am madly in love with the guy who was a reason for it all 20 years and 2 kids later
post #55 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Krystal323
My parents waited until I was 14 and already (unbeknownst to them) interested in boys to inform me that I wasn't "allowed" to date until 16. Well, I just did whatever I wanted behind their backs, and I felt like they didn't care about my feelings at all and didn't trust me past the tip of my nose. We fought all the time and I never confided in them about anything. That kind of situation is definitely something to avoid
Just something to think on.

ITA. My dd is you too (16 mths) but my parents would not let me go out anywhere on "dates" until I was 16 - but I was allowed to spend time at our house or my boyfriend's house. At my bf's house we were not supervised at all & I became sexually involved at a much younger age than I wish I had. I think if we had been able to go OUT and go places with groups of friends, etc. there would have been much less fooling around time. It's just speculation - but I know the lack of trust my parents had in me (not that I think rules incdicate lack of trust - but they did NOT trust me) was damaging to our relationship.

AS far as what my DH and I plan for our daughter (which is subject to change as she gets older & her personality emerges more) is to encourage her to do things w/ groups, encourage lots of extracurriculars, encourage get togethers at our house or the houses of families we know well - but not to forbid dating.
post #56 of 76
[QUOTE=spin462002]
I challenge you to read it yourself and give it to your daughters. It might be too late for you to adopt these principles, but just in time for your daughters!

Look around you and see the results of early dating and multiple partners. I was one of them, and it's never too late to choose a different way.

QUOTE]


While I agree with you about the results of early dating and multiple partners - I would strongly urge you to find another book to read your daughters. Things will be different for my daughter: a practical guide to building her self-esteem & self -reliance by Mindy Bingham is a great starting place & has wonderful suggestions of other books/films/etc. to share with your daughters.

Wouldn't it be better to raise a daughter whose self-worth and self-concept does not revolve around having a romantic partner? What if your daughters are lesbians or would prefer to be single? The mindset you are teaching them w/ "The Rules" does not leave room for any number of possiblities they may wish to pursue.

For my daughter, I hope that she finds loving people on her journey through life. If that means a husband - great. If that means a female partner - great. If that means she remains single and has wonderful friends to share her joys & sorrows - great. My main hope is that we can instill her with a sense of self that helps her to make healthy choices in every area of her life.

I hope I didn't put you off too much & that you heard what I had to say - a daughter is a precious gift -- it's important to make sure that she knows it.

--Kate

p.s. Ellen Fein (one of the authors) has divorced since writing "The Rules"
post #57 of 76
Hi Kate, my daughters are 22 and 20 and have read and enjoyed The Rules. They have been brought up to think for themselves, make healthy choices, and not "date".
They do not think they are nothing without a man, nor are they actively looking for a partner. What they have is a healthy happy life with jobs and friends and a loving family.

Sadly, I guess you haven't read the book or you wouldn't have made some of your comments. The book does not advocate living to find a partner, rather having a full life and many friends and having healthy personal boundaries so you can make the right choice if and when the time comes. Aren't they the things you value too?

You are correct about Ellen Fein having divorced since this book was first published in 1995. Why are you commenting about that anyway? Do you think it detracts from the principles being advocated in the book? Sherrie Schneider (the co-author) is still married, does that make any difference?

I believed marriage was forever and I made a lifetime commitment thirty years ago.
Twenty two years later my husband left me for another man's wife. I had four children including a five week old baby. If I had written a book about marriage during those years, would you have condemned me too?

I am not afraid to be different, I like the results!

Lynn
post #58 of 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by spin462002
Sadly, I guess you haven't read the book or you wouldn't have made some of your comments. The book does not advocate living to find a partner, rather having a full life and many friends and having healthy personal boundaries so you can make the right choice if and when the time comes. Aren't they the things you value too?

You are correct about Ellen Fein having divorced since this book was first published in 1995. Why are you commenting about that anyway? Do you think it detracts from the principles being advocated in the book? Sherrie Schneider (the co-author) is still married, does that make any difference?

I believed marriage was forever and I made a lifetime commitment thirty years ago.
Twenty two years later my husband left me for another man's wife. I had four children including a five week old baby. If I had written a book about marriage during those years, would you have condemned me too?

I am not afraid to be different, I like the results!

Lynn
Lynn,
I did read "The Rules" when I was in college & found the principles to be very demeaning to women. I am glad you & your daughters are happy with the choices you are making.
As you mentioned - I do value having a full life, many friends, and personal boundaries. I do not feel that I would be comfortable advocating the type of boundaries the book suggests. I would prefer my daughter follow her heart & speak her mind - not make choices about what to say & do based on a book.

But - I will add this - You & I are different ages, in different cultures, and have different situations. I cannot say how I would feel about this if I were in your shoes. And of course, I do not condemn ANYONE for having gone through a divorce anymore than I would condemn anyone for any type of loss. It is a painful loss that I would not wish on anyone.

I mentioned Ellen Fein's divorce because "The Rules" is often marketed as a "catch and keep your mate" handbook. I would have the same skepticism of a hgihly acclaimed parenting book by someone who had a horrible relationship/was estranged from their own children.

I guess we've gotten a little ways OT from the original post...


Have a great week!
post #59 of 76
Rule number 4: On all nonbusiness e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, you never know who has access to your e-mail, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.

All I can say is if I e-mailed someone 3 times withoug getting a response, there wouldn't be a fourth to respond to.
post #60 of 76
I just clicked on the link about the rules as the things I had heard about it always rubbed me the wrong way so I wanted to read the rules for myself. I can say that I don't like the language or tone of the rules - they seem condescending to me - HOWEVER - the principles behind them I'm surprised to say I totally agree with! If she had just learned how to write them out without making it sound like she's mentoring idiot women maybe more people would embrace the concepts. Taking care of yourself, not playing games but maintaining your independence, dignity, becoming a woman of grace and class, not making excuses for men, not settling for less than you deserve, not hanging out at home all the time (we all have to force ourselves out occasionally and it should have nothing to do with finding a man, but everything to do with maintaining an adequate social life and friends in general), expanding your horizons, not mixing business and personal time. There is definitely some good advice in there about weeding out commitment phobes and men just trying to get in your pants and not willing to put forth the effort for a true relationship. I just hate the tone - and think that most people would be so ticked off by that that they wouldn't be able to separate tone and content and discard anything valid about the book.

I would love it if my kids were in their 20s and just living their lives in absence of the desperation dating that so many do. All any parent wants is for their kids to avoid the hurts and find someone that loves and values them to spend their life with. And it just seems an easier road if it isn't marred with a ton of premature sexual activity.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › At what age will you allow your child to date?