Birth, is it more about me or the baby?

[sweetangelbrynlie]

I am 37 weeks pregnant and wanting only my dh and kids to be around me during delivery. My mother feels as if she MUST attend every one of her DDS births, she isn't there for support, but more to just see the birth and gossip about it to any and everyone later. She also wants to be the first to run out of the delivery room and tell the entire family what the baby looks like, how much she weighed, and how long, you know all the stuff that gets her some attention.

I just do NOT want her there. I dont feel comfortable with her there while Im pushing, I just can't explain why.

My whole family feels that birth is ONLY about the baby, that the mothers feelings should not be heard or even thought of, that it is all about the baby. I have told my mother I don't want her there or any other family members that I don't want there, she says "It's NOT about YOU, this birth is about the BABY"

Also just the thought of ALL my sisters and their wild loud LOUD kids, my brother, my dad, and my mother in the waiting room just makes me feel anxious!!! I don't think I could feel good at all during labor if I knew they were all out in the waiting area raising a big rukus trying to get to the baby as fast as they can (believe me that's all their there for is to RUN FOR THE BABY!"

So am I an oddball?

[LizaBear]

You are certainly NOT an oddball. The thought of my mother, MIL, relatives of any sort, around me while I was in labour was not a pleasant thought. Thankfully, none showed any interest in being there because I would have had to put my foot down and say "NO WAY".

I don't feel that labour and delivery is ALL about the mom, nor ALL about the baby - it's a team effort. BUT, the mom is the one who is out there for all present to see and I feel that she should have a say in who is priveledge (sp?) to that.

Even if it were ALL about the baby - that baby is entitled to it's first moments in peace with it's mother and father, a serene, calm, loving welcome into this world.

There is ample opportunity for Grandma to be a presence in baby's life - being there at the delivery is NOT her right. She was there when her own children came into this world. Her right to be at a birth ended there.

[Marsupialmom]

Tell your mom NO!! It is about you not her. Sorry but her chances to have those momments past when she had kids. Now it is all about you, your choices, and your baby.

[boongirl]

You are not an oddball. I did not want anyone other than dh at my dd's birth. Write a birth plan and give it your birth care providers. Stipulate no visiters and have them make everyone wait outside until you are good and ready to see them. Warn them ahead of time when that will be. I told everyone they could come after dh called them and said dd was born. If anyone shows up early, the care givers must make them wait outside. Tell your mom that with a straight face, no excuses, just say it and be done with it. If she wants to argue, let her. There is no reason you have to argue back. Don't budge.

The birth is about you and your baby but you are in charge.

Where does your partner stand on all of this? You need backup.

[its_our_family]

Tell them after the baby is born. Or at least don't tell when labor starts.

Tell them the baby wanted it that way :LOL

[alegna]

It's about both. Your feelings are definitely important though I think it's perfectly okay to not call anyone you don't want there until after the baby is born.

-Angela

[desertpenguin]

Well, if we have anymore children, they will be homebirths, so no one will be there unless we want them to be there!
I don't think you're weird for not wanting them there. I didn't mind that my *ex* step mom was in the room while I was pushing (which I thought that I would mind, but turns out I didn't!) and my dad was hiding behind the curtain, but I wouldn't have minded at all if he had watched either. But I did mind that I had a flood of people visiting afterwards. I hated it. I wanted to be alone with my dh and ds. But unfortunately I didn't have the nerve to ask anyone to leave, which I think contributed to the problems we had with our bfing relationship in the beginning.
Just don't tell them when labor starts, but if you can't avoid that, then at least don't tell them when you're going to the hospital. And don't be afraid to put your foot down. If I could do it all over again, I would've demanded people be in and out if they wanted to see the baby, no googly eyes! (Well, oK, they could have googly eyes, but only for a minute or two! :LOL )

[Evergreen]

I wouldn't want her there either if that is her attitude about birth. Call her after you have the baby.

[alegna]

Another vote for homebirth too. That way no one gets invited ahead of time and then it's your house so you can kick them out.

-Angela

[KiwiZ]

She who owns the birthing vagina makes the rules. Period. Others may state their case and you may patiently listen, but your final statement is the rule. I have spoken (sound of gavel banging loudly)

Seriously, where do these people trying to barge in on you get off? I'm sure they got to decide about their own births, so why do they get to decide about yours? Sounds like a buncha contol freaks! If during labor they are making you uncomfortable, angry, upset, sad, etc it is going to affect how you labor and your baby. Do what YOU feel comfortable, what your gut, inner voice etc says. If you need help, ask the nurses, midwife, dh, anyone you trust who is very assertive to help reinforce your wishes and be your bodyguard. Sorry you have to deal with this!

[gethane]

Originally Posted by its_our_family

Tell them after the baby is born. Or at least don't tell when labor starts.

Tell them the baby wanted it that way :LOL

I love that line!

It is about both. And family too. However, you get the final decision. It's YOUR labor. And your birth too! You are the one doing the work, you get to pick.

[eightyferrettoes]

I agree with the pps. Birth is about, in descending order,
1. the baby
2. the mama
3. the daddy
4. requested birth attendants
5. other extraneous people (Grandma) who you may or may not invite, as the laboring mama sees fit.

I'd hate to have anybody there but my husband, and even he slept in the hospital bed while I labored on the birth-ball so Grandma certainly has no "right" to be there. She falls wayyyyy lower on the list than you!

[Ruthla]

If I had a family like that, I don't think I'd inform any of them when I went into labor!!!

Birth is about BOTH mother and child. What's healthiest for the baby is an unstressed mother who can focus on laboring, and avoid (or at least minimize) interventions. I think it's been documented that stressing out the mother can interfere with the progression of labor.

Then the baby NEEDS to bond with his/her mother and learn how to breastfeed. Passing the baby around to all the relatives immediately after the birth is NOT good for the baby- it's good for all the other relatives!!!

This birth is about YOU and the BABY- not Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, or friends!!!!!

[JoAida]

I don't understand her logic...it's all about the baby, so that means she HAS to be there. WHAT???

Tell her she's right, it's about the baby, and the best thing for the baby is to have a relaxed and calm mama. Therefore, you only want your DH and kids there. After all, too many people would mean it would be too loud "for the baby".

[sun-shine01]

Can you just not call them until after you have the baby?


What she said!

[DesireeH]

She who owns the birthing vagina makes the rules. Period.

I agree!

I would just not call them when you are in labor. If they are extra stubborn I would tell the nurse (if you are at a hospital) who you want to be there and who you do not and they will help keep them out for you.

If you are uncomfortable with the attendants I think it makes your labor worse because you cant focus properly on relaxation, etc.

My MIL tried this guilt trip crap last time and I said NO! She is trying it again this time. I said NO again. They havent even bothered to come visit the child we DO have but they want to be there for the birth? She said "likely I will never get to witness something like that." "Um, you had 6 kids, you should have asked for a mirror."

[eightyferrettoes]

Originally Posted by DesireeH

"Um, you had 6 kids, you should have asked for a mirror."

[townmouse]

!!!! I agree with everybody else. The question is not, "is birth about the mother or the baby?" the question is, "is this birth about grandma?" which is very, very easy to answer.

No extra people at a birthing, it gums up the whole works.

[Foobar]

Didn't anyone tell you that birth is for the entertainment of your family and has nothing to do with you?

(J/K)


Screw them, don't tell them when you go into labor. Tell them it went so fast....you didn't have time to call them!

[Alkenny]

Originally Posted by townmouse

The question is not, "is birth about the mother or the baby?" the question is, "is this birth about grandma?" which is very, very easy to answer.

Here! Here!

If you do go for a hospital birth, let the nurses know you don't want her in there. The nurses at my hospital will be the "bad guys" for you.