Birth, is it more about me or the baby? - Page 2

[GoodWillHunter]

Your baby's birth is the first gift you give your child. DO WHAT MAKES YOU COMFORTABLE and don't let ANYONE get in your way of that. My first birth was not optimal, but, the end result was the same. I was overwhelmed and felt really... well, overwhelmed!

[FreeThinkinMama]

Originally Posted by sweetangelbrynlie

I am 37 weeks pregnant and wanting only my dh and kids to be around me during delivery. My mother feels as if she MUST attend every one of her DDS births, she isn't there for support, but more to just see the birth and gossip about it to any and everyone later. She also wants to be the first to run out of the delivery room and tell the entire family what the baby looks like, how much she weighed, and how long, you know all the stuff that gets her some attention.

I just do NOT want her there. I dont feel comfortable with her there while Im pushing, I just can't explain why.

My whole family feels that birth is ONLY about the baby, that the mothers feelings should not be heard or even thought of, that it is all about the baby. I have told my mother I don't want her there or any other family members that I don't want there, she says "It's NOT about YOU, this birth is about the BABY"

Also just the thought of ALL my sisters and their wild loud LOUD kids, my brother, my dad, and my mother in the waiting room just makes me feel anxious!!! I don't think I could feel good at all during labor if I knew they were all out in the waiting area raising a big rukus trying to get to the baby as fast as they can (believe me that's all their there for is to RUN FOR THE BABY!"

So am I an oddball?

My MIL has sort of the same attitude. Personally I think childbirth is about you, you're the one going through pain, you're the one going through this wonderful experience to bring a new life into the world, and it should be up to you who you want to be there to share the experience. If someone is going to damper the mood why have them there? this is your experience. if she only cares about seeing the baby she can come in after the baby is born and you've had a chance to hold the baby and bond for a little while.

During my pregnancy I knew I wouldn't want my MIL in the delivery room, she would just tell horror stories and drive me nuts. That's the last thing I needed. I didn't tell her anything but I discussed it with my dh and he agreed, we waited until after our dd was born to even call her and tell her I was in labor. I was in labor for 36 hours so I don't know how we pulled it off but we did. She was upset but she got over it quick enough and I loved my birth experience, aside from my dh complaining about how uncomfortable HE was grrr, I think next time I'll be keeping HIM out of the delivery room :LOL

[FreeThinkinMama]

Originally Posted by Alkenny

Here! Here!

If you do go for a hospital birth, let the nurses know you don't want her in there. The nurses at my hospital will be the "bad guys" for you.

I second that, I had a hospital birth(couldn't get a midwife due to so many complications and a high risk pg) and I told all of the nurses just in case MIL got wind of my being in labor to not let her in. They even offered to have security throw her out if she tried :LOL just the visual of that helped me get through a lot of pain.

[FreeThinkinMama]

oh and you could also videotape the delivery so she could watch it later

[my2girlsmama]

No you're very normal.

Birth is NOT just about the baby but the mother, (and if present, father or other partner) and baby.

With my first my stupid horrible In laws ignored Dh's request to stay away and came loud and overbearing as these monsters are (they are no longer part of our lives for other reasons-Dh's choice) and my BIL and his then girlfriend now wife literally walked into my labouring room, thinking I'd had the baby...well in mid contraction I screamed "get that bitch out of here !". They all promptly left but had the nerve to hold that against ME for years...........Dh and I nearly split over the issue........until we sought counseling and learned how to make boundaries. Which we now have done.

My mom was to be there for dd#1 birth but I could NOT hack her whining worrying for my pains, so I sent her away too. Only Dh stayed and that was awesome.

With #2 last year we homebirthed, and I had my mom and sister there as well as 3 midwives...........full house (plus oldest dd) and it was a riot! My mom and sis still rave about being a part of such a miracle beautiful birth...and mom even videotaped! I was quite happy to have it all there like that.............but all in all EVERY birth was MY wishes followed................as it should be.

Be firm. State your wishes and if you have to ask the nurses to maintain order outside of your room (they will) and keep out those you wish.

Good luck!

[whateverdidiwants]

Originally Posted by DesireeH

She said "likely I will never get to witness something like that." "Um, you had 6 kids, you should have asked for a mirror."

Just to play Devil's Advocate - she was most likely knocked unconscious against her will for the births. *Lots* of women were, often without their consent. Maybe this desire to be there for the birth is a reaction to that?

[2much2luv]

Another HELL NO you are NOT the oddball here. It is perfectly normal and expected that you don't want an audience when you're giving birth and I strongly suggest you don't tell a soul until its all over with. Please don't worry about offending anybody else. They'll get over it alot quicker then you and baby would get over a traumatic birth experience.

[dynamicdoula]

Don't even call them and then later tell them that you were so busy giving birth that it just slipped your mind.

[Momtwice]

My whole family feels that birth is ONLY about the baby, that the mothers feelings should not be heard or even thought of, that it is all about the baby.

I wouldn't have such insensitive people around. No way. While we can't control everything that happens during birth, you have every right to control this, and the more relaxed you are, the more smoothly the birth is likely to go. The more stress you have, the more adreniline/stress hormones you release, that can impact labor.

You are NOT selfish, you are WISE to listen to your gut feelings.

[Lady Madonna]

In the United States, by federal law (HIPAA ), your privacy is very much protected. If you request it, your hospital cannot even tell someone whether or not you are a patient at the facility. You can also instruct hospital personnel that you do not want to have any visitors admitted. Don't wait to tell the nurses when you get there - it might be too late. If you pre-register (like I did), you can include this information in those papers. In fact, I think the paperwork I completed even asked what I wanted. If you have any questions, call the admissions department at the hospital you plan to go to, and see if they can help you.

And I third (fourth? fifth?) the suggestion to not even let your mother or any other family member know you're in labor. Call them when you are ready to see them. If they cannot respect you and your needs at this time, they don't deserve any special treatment or notice.

[applejuice]

It is about you. Keep her out.

[runes]

ITA with all of the above.

She's using twisted logic by saying that it's about the baby...but she's making it about herself. You don't want or need someone like that around.

Birth is not a spectator sport.

Practice this in front of the mirror "Ooops, I was so busy giving birth that we forgot to call". A little white lie can be very diplomatic in times like these.

This issue is one of the many reasons we've chosen to birth our first at home. I've had friends tell stories of the never ending barrage of visitors at all hours, and not wanting to be rude so they've just dealt with it. I feel so strongly about babymooning and it being just our little family for a while, basking in the bliss and getting to know each other. Both my mother and MIL live on the east coast, MIL has a flight booked for 6 weeks after our due date. SMIL and FIL live pretty close to us but they're pretty private people and I think they'll respect our need for space at that time.

Good luck, mama!

[Shiloh]

Its your day.

[FreeThinkinMama]

Originally Posted by kidspiration

Practice this in front of the mirror "Ooops, I was so busy giving birth that we forgot to call". A little white lie can be very diplomatic in times like these.

This issue is one of the many reasons we've chosen to birth our first at home. I've had friends tell stories of the never ending barrage of visitors at all hours, and not wanting to be rude so they've just dealt with it. I feel so strongly about babymooning and it being just our little family for a while, basking in the bliss and getting to know each other. Both my mother and MIL live on the east coast, MIL has a flight booked for 6 weeks after our due date. SMIL and FIL live pretty close to us but they're pretty private people and I think they'll respect our need for space at that time.

Good luck, mama!

:LOL

I had that problem after my daughter's birth actually, everyone wanted to visit and I was exhausted.

[Finch]

I had it in my birth plan the specific people who were permitted to be present. Anyone else was to be escorted out by hospital security if they didn't listen to the nursing staff. My mother was one of those people not permitted to be present. Yes, I'm really that evil.

We also didn't call anyone until I was being taken for an emergency c-section, and that was just a courtesy call to let them know what was up.

[thismama]

Another vote for don't let her in!!!

Birth is about you giving birth to your baby ~ your baby being born from you.

The mama's wellbeing in birth IS the baby's wellbeing. Intrusive unwanted Grammas have no place.

Do what you need to do to keep her outta there... just plain old tell her she is not invited, or "forget" to call, or tell her your due date got revised to two weeks later so she is not harrassing you.

Enjoy your mother-free birth experience.

[SamI'mNot]

I say you rule your labor space!! If you mother and other family members want to labor for you, then they can tell you what to do, but they can't, so you have every right to ban anyone you want to!!! You are the one who will remember this. You are the one with whom this experience will remain forever. Everyone else will just be a bit pushed out of shape. Good for them. Besides, you need to eliminate as much stress as possible to give this baby the best start. A calm, content mama = a healthy content baby. Good birthing, mama! Keep your space sacred. You blow those invaders a big yucky raspberry from me! PPPPPPPBBBBBBBTTTTTTHH!!!

[phathui5]

You could also try- "Mom, if you stop bugging me about it now, I'll let you know when the baby's born. Every time you ask to be at the delivery from now on, I'm adding a day to how long it'll take me to tell you."

[Yummymummy74]

How bizarre I always wonder why people want to make birth a circus! unless you WANT an entourage.. I cannot see any valid reason why you should have that forced on you.. birth is a very private sexual thing IMO!

I really take issue with the whole the mother is just a baby vessel ideaology :

I would just tell her flat out NO!

My husbands sister had both her parents.. some of her boyfriends family in the room when she had her first.. AND her father was videotaping the whole thing.. AND we discovered it was a video they would just all sit around and watch and show people .. like anyone who wanted to watch!


Yup not my bag at all .. but as usual YMMV.

[Mamid]

If she shows up, tell the nurse you don't want her there. They will kick her out because its the patient's wishes. They can make an excuse like "too many people" or something if that helps to get rid of her.