Depressed lately

[ECM]

Hello. Has anyone else felt depressed or alone being pregnant? So many of my so called friends have totally blown me off, like they just don't care. They don't include me. Plus, my boyfriend/fiance` is away right now, which doesn't help. I've felt so sensitive and alone lately. Friends that I thought were my friends aren't who I thought they were. None of them have kids, so they must not understand.
Maybe I'm just ultra-sensitive. Is it me?

[HoneyTree]

A few of my single friends have dropped me, too. I think for a lot of people it's hard to separate the woman from the pregnancy (and maybe later, from the motherhood), so that single friends feel like they can't or don't want to relate on a personal level anymore.

I know it seems cruel, but I was on the other side of this myself a few years ago. I became pretty good friends with a woman who was my husband's friend from childhood, and she got pregnant. When we would all hang out, she would turn in at 9 o'clock, so get-togethers became a little more awkward. And suddenly her pregnancy and baby became part of most conversations -- it wasn't obnoxious, but it was, of course, on her mind a lot. Suddenly I felt like the woman who was NOT going to be a mother, and while I know that perception was my problem, not hers, it nonetheless affected the way I acted around her and the amount of time I subsequently spent with her.

I think that we still tend to view a woman's baby-carrying as a mystery, and as something amazing and special. And it's hard to relate to someone who is mysterious and amazing and special, especially when your own life is clipping along in its ho-hum existence.

It wasn't until I got pregnant myself that I really examined my own behavior, and let me tell you, I called this woman right away to reconnect, tell her I was pregnant, and chat away about foggy brains, cravings, fatigue, etc. Maybe the friends who aren't around now will come around later, or maybe it's better that they left your life now -- sometimes I feel like friends get "weeded" out of our lives for good reasons.

[flyingspaghettimama]

I'm sorry to hear that. I went through a blue period too, more marked by anxiety than simple depression. A few ideas that I went through in my first pregnancy - Are your prenatals working for you - the quality can affected my emotional health. Do you have other support people, know anyone at all (family, distant friends) who has had children? Is there an Attachment Parenting support group nearby with people you can start making connections with now (check their website). Pregnancy did change a lot of things, for me. Many of my single-partying-friends I grew away from, although now there's a certain unspoken truce, but I try really hard not to talk very much about my daughter. They get this look of patient suffering if I bring up any sort of problems or accomplishments, so I just don't bring it up.

I also remember doing things like this to my friends who were pregnant, feeling like I had nothing in common and feeling somehow "left out" of their new world. It was like they had some new really awesome boyfriend they were just imagining and wouldn't let me meet or that I had absolutely no concept of. A new really awesome martian boyfriend.

[MrsMoe]

Doesn't sound like much of a friend... :

Sorry to hear you are depressed during your pregnancy. I have been going through it also.

[dziejen]

When I was pg with my first I was young (18) and none of my friends had children or had ever experienced what I was going through and it was lonely. I had one or two good friends and really one that was by my side through it all but it gets better...babies are a great way to meet other moms!! Maybe try to put yourself in places where there are other pg women like prenatal yoga or a La Leche League meeting or even try to talking to other moms at the park. I spent alot of time with my first reading and getting things ready for baby but after she was born it was much easier -- I had someone else to keep my occupied!! You are not alone!

[flyingspaghettimama]

I second the prenatal yoga idea! Where I live, there are also all sorts of birth preparedness classes and support groups, offered through birth centers and hospitals.

[MamaFern]

pregnancy is a time in my life where i cant feel sad because i feel so happy.. but i do understand how you feel.. i felt pretty sad after my son was born and a lot of my friends who supported me were all of a sudden not there, when i really needed them the most. this time, im a single momma.. but im in a better head space and i know that no matter what ill have a few good friends who will stick by me and thats all i need. im feeling pretty solitary these days anyways, so i dont feel lonely much, and i have a snuggly 2 year old who keeps me busy and loved as well..

i try to get out and walk somewhere everyday ( which isnt such a big deal since i dont have a car..) but going somewhere beautiful, a lake or park or the ocean, really help me to stay in good spirits. and the more time i spend outside in the sunshine under a tree the better i feel.. there were times in my life when i really had to get used to spending time alone and realise that i didnt have to feel bad and lonely about it. knowing how to spend time alone and enjoy it is one of the best things i ever learned how to do. maybe i enjoy it more since i rarly get to do it now, but i cherish every alone moment. even if its just lying down and talking to this wee baby in my womb, or walking the dog or doing laundry at the laundymat..

also yoga is a great suggestion! it always makes me feel soooo good after.

[3for3hb]

I had similar experiences when I was pg the first time with friends dropping me. But I tried to understand. Our first baby wasn't planned and was quite a shocker. I was still in partying mode and suddenly....
All the people I knew who were parents were a lot older than me and sort of talked down to me (as in... you don't know what you are in for type attitude) and all my friends who were closer to my age weren't even in serious relationships much less married with a baby on the way. So I got really depressed. Really, really depressed. And it affected every part of my life. I felt very out of touch with everyone and everything. And we lived about 1/2 hour from everything so there wasn't much for me to do but surf the internet and go to sleep shortly after sundown. Dh didn't know how to be supportive, that being his first pregnant woman experience ever.

If you want some advice, do what you need to do to make yourself happy. You know yourself best and you are still the same person pregnant as you were not pregnant. So if reading a good book snuggled in a hammock with a glass of cold iced tea sounds good, do it... if doing yoga and meditating and making a special ritual that involves talking to the baby makes you feel good, do it. My point is that sometimes depression during pregnancy can lead to even deeper depression after pregnancy. And no one really warned me of that last time around. I would have been so much better off with MDC last time had I known it existed.
Try not to externalize your happiness. You have all of us here to support you and listen to you and share our pregnancies with. Your friends will come around, they probably just feel a little out of place.

As for myself, I jsut moved to a completely new area and know NO ONE and haven't been able to meet up with any of the mamas I've met online yet, so yeah, it gets a little lonely at times. But I'm keeping myself busy with my toddler so I'm trying to have fun and keep it lighthearted. I know from experience that post partum depression is no fun and it lasts for a long time.

[samsmamma]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have my moments, but for the most part I am more like one of the PPs where I overall am so happy to be pregnant that I don't get depressed during. After is another story though. I am actually seeing a social worker tomorrow to try to work to do anything we can to minimize or prevent postpartum depression this time around since it was bad for me after Sam was born.