Can't shake the feeling something is wrong...

[Spark]

Ok, I post a lot, but somehow this one is a TOUGH post to write!!! I'll just take a deep breath and let this all spill. Whew. Ok. Taking a risk here, this isn't all too positive.

I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong with this baby. I'm not one for worry. It's just not my bag, but I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. From the get go I felt like mabye I would miscarry. I have had a pretty rocky start to my pregnancy with Hyperemisis and landing in and out of the hospital. While my body was in crisis, I felt like the baby's body was, too. Now that I'm more stable Istill feel like something is wrong. I just have awful morbid thoughts, like when an outfit arrived for the baby,I had this flash of, "That would be a sweet burial outfit." I SWEAR, I'm not depressed. I have no reason to think that this baby is anything other than healthy! I'm getting frustrated with myself!

THEN I read something in another Due Date thread how people who miscarry or have a stillbirth a lot of them feel this way from. But, the realistic side of me says, that MANY people must feel this way and go on to have healthy viable infants!

Please vote in my poll. And, feel free to share your thoughts, too! Thank you! (please, be kind and don't think I'm a freak!)

[Bella Luna]

No wisdom here, just a

[momto l&a]

I have felt things where wrong then gone on to find nothing was then with one pregnancy I just couldnt bond or tell we where expecting, I later mc

We have intuition for a reason IMO. Thought we at times are just worry worts and that gets us no where

I have no advice just a

[Artisan]

No help either, just . I definitely don't think you are a freak.

[Leilalu]

Just wanted to say,I too had these thoughts and had a perfecly healthy beautiful 9 1/2 pound baby boy

[broodymama]

When I was 30 weeks I had a feeling one afternoon that something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it, couldn't explain it, just a deep instinctive feeling that something was wrong. Of course DH didn't really believe me since it was my first pregnancy, and I almost didn't believe myself because there were no symptoms or feelings I could describe. That evening I finally called my midwife's office and went into the hospital to be checked. I was in preterm labor - contractions 5 minutes apart (but I couldn't feel them), 2 cm dilated and 75% effaced. I spent a week in the hospital on mag sulfate and then 5 weeks on bedrest at home, taking Terbutaline. DS was born full term and healthy at 39 weeks.

I, for one, am a firm believer in always listening to my intuition. I've found that the more I listen to it (even if just to check on something that turns out to be nothing) the more intuitive I get. Kind of like use it or lose it, KWIM? Are you seeing a midwife (or OB) that you could talk to?

Here's hoping you have a healthy pregnancy.

[spero]

No, and there was something wrong.

I consider myself a pretty intuitive person, but I never had an inkling that my fourth baby would be born with a (relatively unknown) congenital lung defect.

And let me tell you, I was mighty pissed that I wasn't "tuned in" to the fact during my pgy.

best wishes for an uneventful pgy and healthy baby.

[AngelBee]

I have experienced the exact same fears. All three babies have healthy.

[Village Mama]

I had this feeling very strongly with my second little guy. Very similar to what you described. My son was completely healthy.
Hugs for you....

[MamaTaraX]

With my second son I did have a bad vibe feeling, not long before he was born. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong instead of just knowing that something was wrong. Nothing was desperately wrong, he was, however, malpositioned (ROP) and I think unhappy about it for a bit. I had prodromal labor with him for 12 days, off and on during that time I'd have little negative twinges, I think while he was trying to turn and couldn't. When I went into labor I knew he was positioned wrong but I felt that all was well and at peace. He flipped, my water broke, and he came out in a matter of about 5 minutes

I completely beleive in listening to your instincts, they are there for a reason. Almost every single loss story I have read or been told has had the mom talking about how she instinctively knew something wasn't right but pushed the thought away or didn't know what to do about it or something like that. If you think something is wrong, do whatever you need to do to find out what it is, even if it is simply making peace with whatever the outcome may be.
Best wishes to you and to all the mamas out there!
Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (6), Butterfly (23mos) and Rythm (due at home 1/06)

[ceilydhmama]

I felt strongly from the moment I conceived my daughter that I was never meant to hold her. Then when she was born I was terrified she would die suddenly.
She is now nearing four and I feel like I can *almost* trust that this amazing little sprite will be in my life forever.

Not discounting intuition, but I think loving a child is such an intense, all encompassing thing that the thought of losing them is almost unimaginable. I think our hearts and minds sometimes play tricks on us, as we slip into falling in love yk? It's a type of safety net. "If I don't completely believe things will be ok, then I protect myself a little if something goes wrong."

Obviously there is no real protection and sometimes you need to decide if you are intuitively sensing that you need to do something, or if you need to let the feeling go and risk loving completely.

Motherhood is a risk. We are putting ourselves out for the greatest love, and the greatest pain we'll ever know.

[mamaroni]

Originally Posted by ceilydhmama

Not discounting intuition, but I think loving a child is such an intense, all encompassing thing that the thought of losing them is almost unimaginable. I think our hearts and minds sometimes play tricks on us, as we slip into falling in love yk? It's a type of safety net. "If I don't completely believe things will be ok, then I protect myself a little if something goes wrong."

I think ceilydhmama is right on.

claire, a thousand to you. trust yourself, mama. I love you!! and I cannot wait to meet that little one of yours.

[Mrs Dimples]

I have never had any feeling like this. I am normally very optimistic, and not a worrier, so if I ever did feel like this let me tell you I would be FREAKING out.

I just wanted to send you a hug and tell you that I will be thinking about you and your little baby. There is no justice in the world if there is anything wrong with anyone in your family.

[mamaverdi]

I posted in a thread recently (last week maybe) about my experience with knowing something was wrong with the baby and something being wrong. Look in "How comfortable are you with postdates?"

Only, I misinterpreted it the whole time. I had an ultrasound, even though I didn't with my first. I had 2 in fact. Neither found anything wrong. I started leaking water about 6 weeks before my EDD. We could confirm nothing.

He was born and 5 days later septic. He had an obstruction in his urinary tract. We have had some very negative consequences to not knowing ahead of time, but also some positive ones---like he was born safely at home.

He is still alive and thriving, despite the negligence of the hospital for his care.

Trust your intuition. Learn to tell the difference b/w fear and intuition. It's very very subtle.

[Spark]

Thank you all so much for your posts! I'm sooo thankful for MDC. I don't think I'd EVER voice this concern in real life, but somehow the semi-anonymity of the Internet helps! Rachel, I'm a very optimistic person, too. This really is throwing me for a loop!

I didn't have this profound feeling in my other 2 pregnancies, so this is a first for me. I really am having trouble shaking this feeling, but at the same time I'm clear that I don't have any power over the outcome. The nagging feeling is always here. Like I just can't quite escape it. If I buy some great diaper that I think I'll love to pass it onto someone else when my baby outgrows it, the thought of, "Who wants a dead baby's diaper?" creeps right on in. It's rather morbid.... OK, it's a LOT morbid!!!

In waves, I reach different places with these unwanted thoughts/feelings. I know that everything will work out for the highest good -- this, I'm always confident of. If this baby isn't meant to be with us, then it isn't meant to be. On the other hand, I find myself wishing I'd just miscarry already if I'm not going to have a baby to hold and cuddle. It's like I'm frustrated that I'm still feeling this way! It's keeping me from totally enjoying my pregnancy! So, I find myself most often, putting my head down and charging forward. Shoving the thoughts aside.

Such wisdom on this thread. Yes, it could be something minor right now that will correct itself during my pregnancy. It could be just meaningless fear. It could be a protection mechanism. It could be guidance to look into things more. It's been great to read your experiences and thoughts on this. I feel like I have a lot to process. I've been focusing on shoving the thoughts out of my head so much that I probably just need to sit down and face them head on. Figure out what's going on or at least make true peace with the thoughts.feelings.

So, I think I wrote my poll wrong, because there are only 6 people that chose Option 3, but then 11 that chose Option 3 continuation question. I was hoping to find out how many people had strong frequent feelings that something was wrong and what their birth outcome was. But, now I'm not sure what birth outcomes those 6 people that chose Option 3. Did 1/6 have something wrong with their baby or did 0/6? I was so hoping for some kind of comforting data to feed my mind! :LOL

[stayinghome]

I was scared a lot with my second pregnancy, and even after she was born it lingered, even though she was healthy.

I hope the feeling dissapates for you really soon!

[citizenfong]

Claire,

I want to address the posibility that there *is* something wrong with your baby. Personally, I think it is more likely that those fears are an outward manifestation of a combination of anxieties beginning with an unexpected pgy and heightened by health concerns for YOU. I would also like to point out that depression may be a possibility. Those kinds of thoughts can certainly come with even a mild depression, and hyperemesis is frequently accompanied by depression. Just a thought.

BUT: what if you are right? What if something IS wrong with your babe? What if your baby is born still?

What would you do? How would you feel? Would you live? Could you possibly survive it?

There are plenty of ladies right here at MDC who can tell you firsthand, of course what it feels like. I am grateful beyond belief that I cannot.

I can tell you what I have thought from the outside.

Last year a dear friend of mine delivered her third baby still. She did NOT know, in the way you are asking about, that something was wrong (well, not until the end of her pregnancy and then there were physical signs). There were a few things along the way, in retrospect, that prepared her heart a bit.

Again, I can only speak to what *I* saw and felt. It was devistating, such a shock to those of us who knew her and had followed her pregnancy. I grieved for a baby I never met. And here is the terrible truth I learned through this: I think I would survive. I think you would, too. You would have to...you have other babies who need you!

If you think there is something to this, prepare yourself as best you can and try to let the worry go, as best you can. That's my advice.

All my love to you, Girl...

[dnr3301]

Claire- just saw your post and wanted to give you a big . I hope all is well. I just read all the responses to you and wow! what a group of women we have here, huh? Take care.

[TurboClaudia]

spark: sending you hugs and peace...

citizenfong's post reminded me of one of my favorite quotes, which also happens to be one of my life mottos:

let the moment go... don't forget it for a moment, though...

thinking of you...

warmly,
claudia

[bri276]

Yes, and I believe it can be a form of antepartum depression, which is not as well known or well publicized as postpartum depression. For a long time I had strong, strong feelings that something horrible would happen. First it was regular miscarriage, then missed miscarriage, then it was incompetent cervix, then preterm birth, then stillbirth..... I was not allowing myself to believe my baby would live.

I finally talked to my husband about it a few weeks ago. I had not been consciously hiding my feelings from him, it was actually just "normal" to me at that point to feel incredibly negative and it hadn't even occurred to me that I needed to share with him what was going on in my mind. It was like I assumed he knew I felt this way. He didn't. He knew I was thinking negatively, and that I was pretty depressed, but he was very disturbed by the severity of the horrible thoughts I was having. That's when I realized how unhealthy it was to torture myself this way.

Since then, I've been focusing on thinking in a more positive way and while the terrible thoughts do slip in still, I'm much more convinced that we will be bringing home a live, healthy baby. Of course I'm not 100% okay and I won't be until I am holding the live healthy baby in my arms, seeing it for myself. Even just writing this feels like I'm tempting fate, but I must remind myself that I truly believe anyone who is meant to come into this world will.