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Can't shake the feeling something is wrong... - Page 2

Poll Results: During your pregnancy,did you ever feel like something was very wrong with your baby?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 36% (69)
    Not really or very rarely.
  • 25% (49)
    Sometimes I felt like something was wrong.
  • 15% (29)
    Very Often I felt like something was very wrong.
  • 11% (21)
    If you chose Option 3, you ended up having a healthy viable infant.
  • 6% (12)
    If you chose Option 3, there was something wrong with your baby.
  • 5% (10)
    If you chose Option 3, you don't know your pregnancy outcome because you're still pregnant.
190 Total Votes  
post #21 of 45
claire - I didn't feel anything was wrong when pregnant w/ my dd four years ago (and she was fine), but what occurred to me was that that was also before I found MDC and read here every day... I don't think back then I knew many people who talked openly about early losses if they had had them, and no one who had experienced a stillbirth. Perhaps a few special needs children but again no one in my immediate circle family/friends whose story I had heard.

Through this community and reading more I've become so much more aware of pregnancy and birth loss, and other ways grief can strike a family - and not just hearing of them but reading full emotional heartrending accounts from women I care about here.

Maybe this makes no sense, but for me I'd be aware of so much more that can happen if I were pg again. I don't in any way suggest you should ignore your instincts in the least!! And I guess Cicely was born sine you've been around here too, so I hear you saying this pg feels different than hers even. That's just what came to mind for me. Anyway, I agree you aren't crazy, whatever you're feeling!

mb
post #22 of 45
I know this probably isn't very comforting, but with Arawyn I did have a very strong feeling like something was wrong. I had flashes of thoughts like "I will never hold this baby" but I brushed it off. Just before she died I even stopped in at the Pregnancy and Birth Loss Board, but I couldn't place my finger on why. She was still born at 22 weeks. I know alot of mom's of still born babies that I have talked with have had similar feelings. But I am sure lots of mom's of living babies have felt the same way. I will be praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby for you.

ETA: during this pregnancy I have been very worried and nervous knowing what can go wrong, but I feel some how at peace. I have a feeling that this baby is staying. I am not having the same feelings as I did last time. Does that make sense?
post #23 of 45
I didn't vote in your poll because I don't feel like anything is "wrong" with my daughter, she is quite healthy now, but she was premature. I knew it was a possibility, having had PROM at 36 weeks with #1. This pregnancy felt different, from spotting the day of my positive test to high risk results for Down's (with subsequent amnio) to BH contractions starting at 17 weeks (after none with my first). It was around 25 weeks when I started contracting enough to require medication, even though my fetal fibronectin was negative and continued to be right up until she was born (once again due to PROM).

I did have negative feelings/worry about this pregnancy. But I think it was a combination of worrying about prematurity, job-related stress, knowing more first hand about what could go wrong (as the PP suggested who had gotten to know more people here that experienced loss), a little antepartum depression, and the variety of false alarms during the pregnancy itself. So I did sort of have a negative experience with the premature birth and NICU, but she's fine now. I did have fears of losing the pregnancy early on, or of having a very early preemie that would not make it.
post #24 of 45
I voted 'very often I felt like something was wrong' and then that there was something wrong. This was with my 2nd pregnancy. I had a tough time accepting that pregnancy from the get-go. I would talk to dh in terms of "IF the baby is okay..." all the time. I remember distinctly the ride in the car to the doctors office for my first ultrasound I was talking like that and he kinda layed into me saying, "everything is fine, there's no reason in the world to think that it's not. Stop talking like that!" At that visit they told me that the baby had stopped developing a couple weeks ago and that I was having a missed miscarriage. I was crushed but not surprised.

But then on my next pregnancy I thought for certain that everything was right - right down to the due date being just 1 day off from the due date I would have liked for one of my children (Earth Day - thought it would be cool). Anyway, I had another missed miscarriage and didn't see it coming.

So it goes both ways. With my pregnancies that did survive, I don't remember having any negative intuition that something was wrong - just the normal anxiety that most any mom-to-be would have (and I'm a little overboard with anxiety sometimes). Anyway, my oldest dd has developmental delays but nothing life-threatening. And I think those were caused by ultrasound exposure anyway. My younger dd seems to be fine.

I think it's worth investigating any fears to the extent that you then feel better about the situation (or come to accept it if there really is an issue). Good luck!
post #25 of 45
Claire,

I was talking today to the friend I mentioned in my previous post. I want to share what she gave me.

After her darling girl was born a mutual friend and I went to visit "A" a few weeks later, once the funeral and everything was over. Late one night during our visit we talked about how she knew a lot of moms with stillborn children. We talked about how her heart had been prepared, and this was one way it happened, even years before the fact. I had been thinking about another mutual friend who had just miscarried. "A" looked at me and she said something along the lines of "You are afraid you are being prepared, too." Yep, she hit it, all right.

So when we were talking today she said she wanted to talk about fear of death and any fears I might have during this pregnancy about this health/safety of this baby. Here is a passage of scripture she gave me. BTW, I had not mentioned you or this thread, until she said this. When I told her she said that maybe this was for you! So here it is:

Hebrews 2:14-15

Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil;

And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.


So, in other words, Christ died not just to rescue us from eternal death, but to release us from the bondage of the fear of death!

Okay, that's it. HTH
post #26 of 45
Maybe the reason you're not getting as many people ticking box no 3 is the way you worded it- I don't know that something is very wrong, but this pregnancy is very very different and I feel it very often. I don't know what it is I'm expecting, but it's still quite strange.
My neighbour is pregnant with her third as well, and she's having similar fears- some of this, I think, is that it's hard to believe we can be blessed enough to have and hold three healthy children, knowing how broken-hearted some women are not even to have the one. Specially with a third child, this is also the point where you jump to having a larger than average family, and that can be a big mindshift too. I'm not trying to dismiss your worries, just to let you know that there are other women in a similar position to you, with similar fears.
post #27 of 45
I didn't vote in your poll because i have had a few different experiences. I miscarried my 3 rd child(I was 12 weeks pregnant when I found out, though the baby died at about 7.5wks)and I was a mess that whole pregnancy, I really thought something was wrong, I also make horrible comments to my hubby about it, and then when I lost the baby I felt like it was my fault. I know it wasn't really,but in a way I felt like I had been taking it for granted how easy pregnancy and birth were for me, and that was my wake up call.

My fourth pregnancy I was worried a little because of the miscarriage before, but I wasn't preoccupied by it. He is a healthy happy 2.5 yr old.

My fifth pregnancy I was worried the whole time, I cried all the time, and I somehow just knew that she wasn't ours to keep. I could picture her being born, but not with us for any length of time. I still feel that way sometimes. She was born at home, healthy, and is 6 months old. Now I don't know what the future holds for us with her, but I have her now, and I love her deeply. I am angry with myself that I was so upset my whole pregnancy with her. I had such horrible thoughts, picturing her memorial, picturing myself goign through her stuff...it was awful. I had nightmares. My midwife said that part of it was probably me feeling like I was not worthy of yet another healthy baby, waiting for the other shoe to drop sort of thing. I had also had a friend a couple years before who lost a baby in utero. It was just tough, and the baby wasn't planned, and I had so much on plate already. I think I may have been depressed a bit, especially at the end of my pregnancy, but I felt good, better than I do not pregnant. LOL.

So I say, go get checked out, and then try to release it. Tell your midwife, talk to your hubby, come here. Mayeb the more you voice it the better you will feel.
Debi
post #28 of 45
s Claire

Sometimes I get really morbid like that with my living children. I don't think its because something bad is going to actually happen. Usually what it is, is stress induced anxiety.

I don't know your personal life well enough to know how much stress you are under. However, with the hypermesis and the medication maybe its just a bit of anxiety going on?

When I'm under a lot of stress, sometimes I will picture my son drowning or dd running in the road It makes my heart sink to type those things out. I did want to share similar feelings in hopes they would help you.

If something is wrong, it is already a reality. Almost certainly, everything is just fine. Try to take some comfort and relax and enjoy your pregnancy mama.

post #29 of 45
I had a similar and different experience.

With my first 3 pregnancies everything was perfect. I always said I was made to have babies. Nobody's body responded so well to pregnancy and birth so when I got pregnant with my 4th, I assumed all would be well. It was nearing Christmas when I found out that I was pregnant. I was going to wait to tell dh until Christmas morning. On December 18th, though, I knew I had to tell him. He was so happy that he was in tears. We put a movie on for the kids downstairs and went upstairs to "celebrate". As soon as I laid down I hopped up and ran to the bathroom and started bawling. I thought I was having a m/c. We went to the ER and found out that baby was ok, but I bled through the entire pregnancy. When I was about 31weeks pregnant (after magnesium, terbuteline, and whatever other measures we could think of to stop labor) I woke up knowing that the baby was going to be born and be born ok so I stopped taking the pills so that he could be born as clean as possible. He was born perfectly healthy at 31weeks, 5 days.

With my 5th I had impending fears that something was wrong. I had those same "funeral" thoughts. At the same time, I felt like everything was ok. I almost wished for an early baby, but have no clue why. After being through the NICU the last thing I wanted was to do that again, but I just felt like she had to be born early. My water broke at 32 weeks (which meant I didn't get the homebirth that I really, really wanted) and I was in the hospital for a week on antibiotics. I finally told the OB that the baby was ready to be born. She would be perfect and healthy and that it was time. After much arguing they induced me. DD was born breech with a true knot in her cord. She was also almost an entire pound smaller than my ds who was a week younger gestationally. I honestly believe that had I not followed my instincts, had I not begged them to let her be born when she was, that I wouldn't have her right now. I think that as she grew the knot was getting tighter and she wasn't getting enough nutrients. I think that had she been there much longer, she may have lost her oxygen supply as well.
post #30 of 45
Thread Starter 
Wow, you guys are soooo wonderful! I am so so so thankful for your posts!

Quick note before I continue: I haven't checked back in here because of the diaper porn websites that have stolen my children's pictures. We've been busy with that. See my sig for details and PLEASE remove any diaper pics you may have in your siggies.

I just can't tell you how valuable your stories and suggestions are! Thank you all soooo much!

Because I've been so busy, I haven't had a lot time for self-exploration, but I have managed to take a couple of depression surveys (antenatal depression was a concern of mine, too) but I scored way low on those. Really, change of appetite and negative thoughts were the only areas that I scored, but the change of appetite is HG related more than anything.

My heart goes out to all you mamas who have experienced loss, those of you who worried your pregnancies away and regretted it and those of you lending your support. Thank you!

I know a lot of you have referred to naturally feeling this way during pregnancy, but really this is a more than that. This is not how I usually feel while pregnant. My grandmother had 10 healthy kids... I know it's in my genes to produce healthy babies. I do feel for women who have struggled to get pregnant and those that have had miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't think it's that someone is DUE for that since they have healthy kids already. That's just not I think the world works. So, I'm 100% that's not where these thoughts are coming from. Thank you for your perspectives though, it helped to reaffirm, that this is not what I'm experiencing.

I do think my shaky start with HG and the meds I've needed to take have had an impact on my feelings for sure. I'm just not sure how much of an impacts.

Thank you also for the moms who talked about how their thoughts/feelings indicated that something was wrong and when to act upon it. I have always had a strong sense that there was not a thing I could do to change the situation, but I will be listening and sensing for if that should change. You've given me confidence to listen to the feelings if I'm to do something.

Tracy, both your posts are so valuable. It's true, just taking the time to think about worst case senerio and what would I do sort of things, helps free a lot of the emotions. My fear of death isn't a large as some. I see it as a very natural thing. I would survive if something happened to this baby. I'm 100% sure of that. Thank you.

I think one of the things that I get frustrated about is that if this is going to be a healthy happy baby, why the heck am I still feeling these things? It's like, if this is going to end, then let it end, the dragging on is what is such a pain! And, I know that may sound terrible, but frankly feeling such unwanted doom and gloom is tiresome! So, I think beyond any of fear of death, I also have to release that everything happens in it's own time. I don't want to mourn this baby forever, esp if he/she is going to be healthy and happy.

LindseyLou thank you for writing "If something is wrong, it is already a reality. Almost certainly, everything is just fine. Try to take some comfort and relax and enjoy your pregnancy mama." I think that's what I really need to hold onto... if I can let the unwanted thoughts wash over me and not hold onto any fear about them, this will be much easier. I don't want to dwell on the negativity. I don't think it's good for me or my baby or my family.

All in all, thank you guys SO much! I can not tell you how valuable your posts have been. Thank you!
post #31 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack
Maybe the reason you're not getting as many people ticking box no 3 is the way you worded it-
It's not that, it's that people aren't checking box no 3, but then going on to fill out the ones that are only for people that checked box 3. I should have done some other wording for the last three options getting rid of box #3 and instead writing:
Very often I felt that something was very wrong and yet I had a healthy baby.
Very often I felt that something was wrong and there was something wrong with my baby.
Very often I felt that something was wrong and I'm still pregnant.

But, goodness, it doesn't really matter as much as all the wonderful advice and support!!!
post #32 of 45
I felt something was wrong from the very beginning. I thought:

I wasn't pregnant, but had an ovarian cyst
I was pregnant (after ultrasound) but would miscarry
I was pregnant but had a missed miscarriage
I would lose the baby due to incompetent cervix.

I had a nice reprieve from worry from weeks 20-30 or so, then began to focus on my fear of stillbirth.

When my daughter was born, my first words to the midwife were, "Is she alive?" She said yes and I said, "Oh good, I thought she would be dead." The midwife looked pretty startled! :LOL

Baby's Apgars were 9 and 9, she thrived, and is now 20 mos old, running around and talking up a storm.

For me I think the worry was profound distrust in my body's capacity, inability to believe such a wondrous process as birth was possible or could happen to me, and fear of becoming too excited/confident for fear of disappointment.

I think it's pretty normal to worry. I have a *very* well-adjusted friend, and she was so sure her babe would have cleft palate (of all things) that she did extensive research about the issue. Babe was fine, no cleft.

Sending you good vibes...
post #33 of 45
Quote:
I do think my shaky start with HG and the meds I've needed to take have had an impact on my feelings for sure. I'm just not sure how much of an impacts.
This makes sense to me.
post #34 of 45
I was obsessed from the very beginning of my pregnancy that there was something terribly wrong and that I was going to mc. I had a lot of spotting early on but never with any real quantity of blood or anything. I was going in for the spotting about 1-2x/week for the first trimester. Even in the second trimester I was terrified. I was so excited when we got to 25 weeks and I knew that if I did go into preterm labor the baby could possibly survive. It was morbid. What's wild is that, except for the little bit of cervical spotting, I had a very uneventful and fine pregnancy. I think that I had antepartum depression which transferred into post partum anxiety disorder after my DS was born. He was born at 38 weeks (induced due to PIH) and, although he was a little small at 6.6, he was perfect and is nearly 1 year old and doing great.

I think that depression/anxiety can play a much bigger role in pregnancy than anyone ever talks about. I had NO IDEA that this could happen to me. I met a mom online who has 8 kids and had this kind of anxiety depression during her pregnancy with her 7th kid. I don't think it matters how many healthy littles you have - sometimes depression can show up anyway.

Also, like you I didn't feel "depressed" if felt terribly anxious - I just wish I'd known what it was and that there were ways to help treat it.

to you. I hope you feel better soon! If it would help you relax, I am all for seeing your dr. or getting an ultrasound to make sure that nothing is wrong and that it really is anxiety and not valuable intuition.

HTH,
Jenn
post #35 of 45
I had the thought several times while pregnant that my baby wouldn't be born. I realized after he was born, healthy and strong, that for me what that thought was about was the fact that the baby I had been imagining throughout the pregnancy *wasn't* born. I imagined a girl - he's a boy. I imagined a calm, visual baby - he's intense, kinetic, and tactile. Some part of me knew that what I was imagining wasn't very realistic, and that when the baby was born I was going to have to adjust my expectations to reality.

I think that thought also came from bleeding through my 1st trimester (scary, not the symptom of pregnancy anyone expects) and from having waited a long time to TTC, and suceeding in month #1, and not being quite ready to believe that what I had waited for so long was really real.
post #36 of 45
Maybe you could just see an OB for a quick u/s to reassure you there's no major issues going on? I've had those feelings before and something was very wrong each time
post #37 of 45
I couldn't read this thread & not leave some words.
During this last pregnancy I had constant thoughts that something would happen with my babe. And something did, she was born still. My thoughts were something bad would happen during labor. I never went into labor, she died before. When I had those thoughts I really tried to avoid them. I did talk about them with my Midwife & birth support, but they never went away. When they crept up, such as the diaper senario, I would say why am I making this soaker, Oh to bury her in it. Had other thoughts too, but will not go into them here. But what I really want to say is that I wish I had confronted them more, and not ran away. (I think it is great you started this thread. I never would have had the courage to word it they way you did) I wish I had listened to those nudges I had during the last weeks of my pregnancy & went to the hospital. The pregnancy & birth loss forum was calling to me, but I avoided it. I did not want to hear about bad outcomes. It was like if I go there, it will happen. Well it happened, and now I am there.
Wow this is a really negative post, but I think it is what you were sort of looking for. (if not let me know, I will happliy delete it)
I encourage you confront this & really think about it. I wish I had, and perhaps my outcome would have been much different.
post #38 of 45
I haven't had any feelings to relate to what you're going through, just wanted to give you a big ((((((Hug))))))). I will be sending you much positive energy.
post #39 of 45
claire, how are you feeling?
post #40 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaroni
claire, how are you feeling?
I was just wondering too.
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