Do you ever feel jealous of your DC's relationships with other people?

[famousmockngbrd]

First off, let me just put this on... :

I know I should be mature about this, and I'm trying to. But lately I have been feeling really rejected by DS and I'm having a hard time handling it.

DS and I have always been very close. However, over the past several weeks it feels like he is pulling away from me. When he is playing with my mom or DH, and I come over to join in, he tells me to go away. He has stopped coming to my side of the bed when he gets up in the night or in the morning, he goes to DH most of the time instead. He will tell me he doesn't want my help getting dressed, etc. and will ask DH to help instead. Things like this. But the part that really hurts the most is when he tells me to go away when he is playing with someone else.

The worst is with my Mom (Grammy.) DS idolizes her, he always has. The other night when she was over, he wanted her to give him his bath, help him with his jammies, etc. - the whole bedtime routine. He just wanted me to go away and got really upset when I came into the bathroom to see how things were going. It has been getting more and more like this - he wants him and Grammy to be in their own little world together and he tries to completely exclude me.

This is really hurtful to me. I am trying to be the adult and not let it bother me but it does. My mom spends a lot of time with us, and I have even had fleeting thoughts of curtailing that, I am ashamed to admit. I respect their relationship and I would never do anything to damage it. I never used to have a problem with how much he adores her, but now I feel like I am being pushed aside. I want to be secure enough in my role in his life as his mother to allow this to happen, but, ouch. Part of it is also my pride - I feel like my mom must see all this and think she is more important to DS than I am. I am being so childish, but I can't help myself. Please someone tell me they have BTDT, or something! I am really wrestling with these feelings of rejection and I need to work through them on my own because I don't want to hamper DS's emotional development by being needy or clingy or smothering, and I don't want him to feel guilty for feeling like he wants to break away from me somewhat, or develop other relationships, etc. I just want him to do it in a way that doesn't crush my soul. Of course that is way too much to expect from a 2 year old, I can't expect him to be aware of that, and even if he was, that's a burden he doesn't need to worry about.

[famousmockngbrd]

Sorry, I wrote a novel - but I wanted to add that I have been assuming this is some normal developmental stage he is going through, some Freudian thing of symbolically killing his mother or something, if anyone knows what I am talking about - and I'm not sure I do myself, lol. But, maybe it's not? Maybe there is something going awry in our relationship? Maybe it has to do with the impending birth of his sister or something? I can't really think of anything else that would cause this. I have no idea, any insights would be welcome.

[lula]

My dd (born April 01) really hit a daddy/other people stage around 3. She seemed to really need to try out her independence and experiment a bit. I thought I would do great, get more "me" time etc but it was really hard!

I like to think that dd was so secure in her connection with me that she had the ability to establish her self more fully and chose to spend time away from me in order to do that...does that make any sense? It made me feel better!

I also think that she really was hitting a stage and her ability to separate physically from me was a sign of how close we are not vv. Maybe your son is so secure emotionally that he is able to have you gone and stil be ok. It is kind of a backhanded compliment but I say...take what you can get!

I really just let her do her thing for a while and it seems to be evening out. We did establish special dd/moma things to do and that helped me feel our connection even when she was trying to spend most of her time with others.

Maybe your son can sense that you will be really busy with a new little one and he is subconsciously testing out his independence? in a way just testing to make sure he will be ok even with less time spent with you?

[mamawanabe]

It is developmental. Probably less freudian and more just that he is really ready to gorge on other people for a while. I remember visiting my best friend when her son was about three. He told his mom "mama, go down stairs for a long long long long time" cause he wanted to play with just me. This went on all weekend. She took it in stride. When I went to visit them a year later, he wasn't like that at all. They have always had a wonderfully close relationship - I've never seen a mama and child enjoy each other so; if it happened to them, then it must just be a phase kids go through.

[flyingspaghettimama]

My daughter and I are very, very attached, but when another child or "fun adult" comes over, she does tell me to go away, please. The "please" part we had to work on for a little while. This from the daughter who got upset at the idea of college, because that means "you have to live somewhere else?!" She is also planning to move her future husband and children in with us into our home, and never lets me forget it.

I don't think it's Freudian at all, but I don't ever think anything is Freudian. I think it's normal for children to assert their independence and away from the All Seeing Eye of Mother. It's a chance to be a different person, just as I'm a different person with a single girl friend than as a mama. In fact, I frequently have a difficult time reconciling the two when I have to get coffee with a friend and my daughter. Mostly watching the potty mouth (mine).

Can you reflect on how you feel rejected? Can you find something to do during these times just for you? Do you feel also (maybe?) like your mother rejected you or you felt abandoned, or did you ever feel like that as a child? I know this was an issue for me as a child, and so dealing with that really helped me to not struggle with clinging. Do you feel like your mom is manipulating the situation somehow, or is it really just you? I think a lot of times these family issues have deeper roots than just the immediate family (i.e. you and son).

[j924]

Just another been there post. My oldest dd did this around the three year old stage as well. For her it was my sil who is my polar opposite. One time she even told me she wanted auntie to come and be her mommy I was so worked up over it and assumed it was because I wasn't as attached to her as I was earlier in her life, I wasn't as available ( I was pregnant at the time and had 1yo dd). I was upset enough and she was verbal enough, so I decided to broach the subject with her. When I finally talked with her about it she said the only reason was because auntie put sugar in her iced coffee and let her have some . I'm sure it was a more than that but it was nice to hear that I hadn't failed at every level.
I just noticed from your signature that you are very pregnant. I have noticed that each of my kids have seperated a bit just before the birth of a sibling.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I have a slightly different take on this. My dd was this way for a while, but what I did was enlist the help of the "more popuar party" to remind her that "Mommy can do it, too."
For example, when she would get into her jammies at night, she would ask for Daddy to help, and say "Mommy, daddy can do it!"...and if dh was up to his elbows with something else (like changing ds, or whatever night chores he had) he would come into her room and say: "Mommy can do it, too! Mommy can even do it as good as Daddy!" and then for some weird reason, she would get excited and "allow" me to help with whatever is needed.
This helps with the general flow of things, because let's face it, I can't have dd telling me how this or that is going to be taken care of when there's other stuff going on.
Don't know if that helps, but it helped us out a lot.

[Mydragonboy]

My DS hated my guts around the 3 year mark. He goes through stages of preferring his father or, he says, his best friend from preschool, but he always comes round.

[newmommy]

heck no, I am SO glad when DS feels equally comfortable with other members in our family or friends as he does with me. I want him to feel loved all the way around. He is our only child so he gets LOTS of attention from various friends and family that come to visit and most of the time he goes up to them *expecting* kisses and hugs and they give'm

Sometimes, he prefers DH (who is his Primary Caregiver anyway), My mom, My Aunt over me and I don't mind it one bit because I know NOBODY can take the place of Mama!

[famousmockngbrd]

Thanks, mamas. Your posts made me feel better. Loraeileen, my relationship with my mom is definitely playing a part in all this. I don't really want to get into it right now, but I know that is partially why I am having a hard time with this. When DH is his favorite, I don't mind nearly so much.

[trinity6232000]

I am a single Mom who moved back into my parents home when my Dad
needed to hire a nurse to take care of her medical needs. I moved in so
Dad didn't have to get a nurse, and I get to be a SAHM to my DD.
Around age 3 my dd really did favor my Father, and still does. I was so
thankful that my dd had a good male role model to count on, I felt real
good about the situation. She favors my Dad for certain things during
the day, and it's helped cause then I am able to put my full attention to
my Mom during those times.
Funny thing is, my Mom is in the hospital this week getting testing done,
so my Dad decided to go for a mini vacation to visit my Sister in Arizona.
Sunday morning when we woke up, and I made dd breakfast I realized I
hadn't made her breakfast in like MONTHS, maybe more than 6 months!
CRAZY. It's become so normal that they eat breakfast together, and I
help my Mom dress and start her day. But it made me sad for a minute.
Like how could I miss out on something that happens everyday to my dd
and not realize it.

[KermitMissesJim]

Don't feel bad. Dh's mother, a wonderful woman, is my ds' beloved. Yesterday he made a beautiful bracelet, and never did it cross his mind to give it to his mama--everything is for Nonna. He is number 7 of her 11 grandchildren (I have 10 and 11, as well) and the first of only 2 of her grandkids to grow up near her for a few years. He is the first son of her youngest son, who was a beloved "oops, condom broke" baby six years after they thought they were done.

Now they only see each other about every 9 months. A few weeks ago we were all in Durango together and we didn't see him much those 4 days. He slept in her hotel room, stayed with her as often as possible. He came back to our room to get clothes and in the mornings for breakfast, lol. I didn't mind so much--dh and I got to spend a lot of time with our dd, who is going to be "displaced" by the little one coming in the fall.

But the bracelet yesterday? Yeah, that got to me. Me=silly. Ds adores me.