Kissing and Hugging Relatives

[bri276]

Do you think it's okay to encourage a child to physically greet an adult relation or friend? As in, "Give Grandma a kiss (or hug)?" If so, do you only think it should be close family relations?
I know it's early to start worrying about this since the baby isn't even born yet but I am just wondering how common this is, because in my family I see it happen a lot, and it makes me personally feel uncomfortable. When people tell their children to kiss or hug me I always say "That's okay, you don't have to honey." I don't believe in it. But is it rude if the child never wants to kiss or hug someone?
For me it would never, ever be an issue with someone we weren't related to, but what about my parents or my grandparents- should I care if their feelings are hurt if the baby doesn't always want to kiss them goodbye? I guess I'm just wondering if it's all families who are like this (in mine, children are encouraged to go around the whole room giving everyone a hug or kiss goodbye)- or is this the norm?

[mamalisa]

Whatever the child wants to do. Ds used to ask me to give hugs and kisses for him instead of him doing it himself. Some kids are just "unhuggy". My sister is 29 and still isn't big into hugs and kisses for anyone.

We were at a party last week and my aunt, who he's only met a few times, asked if she could have a kiss. He looked at her, thought for a second, looked at me and said, "yes, but only on the cheek".

[Houdini]

We mention giving hugs/kisses to grandparents, but not really anyone else. We do not make them give hugs/kisses to anyone if they do not want to. We wanted them to feel they could say no to an adult if they were not comfortable. We didn't want to start the mindset of do b/c the adult wants them to. Our oldest is now ten and will hug and kiss grandparents, but not really any of the others. Our daughter has never been big on physical affection unless it was my husband or I. She gives hugs to her nieces/nephews that are toddlers and under, but not much of anyone else. Zachary hugs/kisses grandparents sometimes, but never any other relatives. Nicholas will usually hug/kiss anyone who asks.

[Patchfire]

One thing I've learned from watching my dd is that little kids are very good judges of character. If she doesn't want to give a hug, I consider it her choice and that she has her reasons. I definitely don't try to force it, as I don't want her thinking that her body is anybody's to decide about but her own.

[HollyBearsMom]

I feel very strongly that this should be child led and they should never be forced to kiss/hug anyone. This also means no cajoling, begging etc. Children need to be taught that their bodies are theirs. We give them a mixed message when we tell them to listen to their instincts yet then turn around and force, no matter how gently, to disregard those instincts.

We don't see my husband’s family very often and I know that they are often hurt that my son doesn't run and jump in their arms. I will say to my son "gee Aunt L. looks like she really wants to give you a hug, is that Ok?" and if he says no, that’s it. Subject dropped. I will however encourage my son to go and show his Aunt something (a new book or toy, etc) so that he starts to feel more comfortable. However, if he was being very shy, hiding behind me etc, I would not even do that.

I guess I look at it that I never hug people (especially those I don’t know very well), why should my son? They may be relatives but to a 3 yo they might as well be strangers even if they just saw them last week.

[fire_in_july]

My family *always* kisses/hugs hello and good-bye. It seems WEIRD to me when I am around families who do not (though I respect their choices).

I guess my kids just grew up into it (they have been kissed/hugged hello and good-bye since they were newborns and so it is natural to them). However, my step-son, who did not join my family until he was 5, was not used to it.

We did not force him to kiss and hug people he did not want to. We DID however, require that he acknowledge the hello/good-bye and respond politely. We also found that when he was uncomfortable with a kiss or hug, he was perfectly willing to extend his hand for a handshake, or to allow them to give him a quick kiss on the top of his head. Now, many years later, he willingly joins in the kissing and hugging (though granted, rarely QUITE as enthuisiastically as my super-kiss-and-hug-happy kids). I think it's because we didn't push him into it.

[dharmamama]

I encourage my kids to hug or kiss close relatives, but if they don't want to, I don't make them. I think physical affection is a nice way to show someone you love them, but if one or both parties aren't into it, who cares? I don't think it's a big issue.

Namaste!

[~Megan~]

I don't think you should force a child to do something they aren't comfortable with. That teaches them that their body is not their own to make their own choices.

Also, statistically a child is much more likely to be molested by someone they know well than a stranger. Forcing a child to hug or kiss when they don't want to can make it easier for a predator to hurt them.

[flyingspaghettimama]

Originally Posted by amarasmom

I don't think you should force a child to do something they aren't comfortable with. That teaches them that their body is not their own to make their own choices.

Also, statistically a child is much more likely to be molested by someone they know well than a stranger. Forcing a child to hug or kiss when they don't want to can make it easier for a predator to hurt them.

I agree.

We ask DD "do you want to give x a hug or a kiss before we go?" If not, fine, if yes, ok. DH's family is big into kissing on the mouth, and I am so NOT into that, for all sorts of reasons. I've seen influenza make its way through one family function (of the kissers, not us!), so I must say that I discourage mouth kissing.

[4evermom]

My ds actually started crying at the sight of MIL and FIL at the age of 4 mos, because they would swoop in for a kiss at arrivals. He didn't cry at the sight of anyone else, family or stranger, presumably because no one else got that close to him without giving him a chance to warm up to them. I asked them to give him a while to warm up to them before trying to interact with him and things improved. He still didn't want to be held by them for a good while but he stopped bursting into tears at the sight of them. Kids are different and I don't believe that the ones that don't mind kissing relatives are that way because the family always did it since they were newborns. I vote let the child decide what s/he is comfortable with.

[Willowrose]

I believe in letting the child decide. Both sides of our family are big huggers/kissers(though, thankfully NOT on the mouth!). My older son has never questioned it, since thats just the norm in our families. He was the first grandchild on my side, so he got really doted on. If he was uncomfortable with something, we would not force him, though we would expect a polite response of some sort.
DS#2 is pretty used to it. He will occasionally not want to be hugged and that is fine with us and our family.

[girly's mama]

Originally Posted by Patchfire

One thing I've learned from watching my dd is that little kids are very good judges of character. If she doesn't want to give a hug, I consider it her choice and that she has her reasons. I definitely don't try to force it, as I don't want her thinking that her body is anybody's to decide about but her own.

:

I completely agree!!!

[bu's mama]

This is actually one of my pet peeves! As a child, I *really* hated being forced to be affectionate with relatives/friends of the family, especially those we would only see on rare occasions. I believe it taught me not to trust my own instincts & that my body is mine, as previous posters have said.

My dh would get upset when dd wouldn't give hugs & kisses to his parents & try to verbally manipulate her into doing so because he didn't want his parents to feel bad. Well I don't want his parents to feel bad either, but it's not going to be at the cost of my daughter's feelings. Dd's comfort level is more important than his parents'.

Now at 3, she's quite snuggly with all her gp's & sometimes she doesn't like the whole leaving scene so she'll just blow kisses to whomever. She's also affectionate with some of her friends/my friends that she sees on a regular basis. When I'm with young children, I'll usually ask them if I can give them a hug or a kiss & if they say no, fine with me.

[sweetangelbrynlie]

No way if my kids don't want to kiss or hug someone then they don't have to. Of course my DD would never ever turn down a kiss or hug from anyone I don't think. But, my son sure would.

[TiredX2]

Like another poster we have always said something like, "We're leaving now, so we won't see ____grandma, grandpa, whoever___ for ____how long____. How do you want to say goodbye?" When they were very young we would suggest things (Do you want to give a hug? Do you want to high five? etc...) Now that they are older (3.75 & 6) we simply say, "We're leaving now. Say good byes." And they say goodbye to each person in a way they want to. At this point both kids generally kiss and/or hug family members (and close kid friends, for that point--- DS & his best friend who is 3 generally kiss bye on the lips, lol). DS has done "that" (gone to people and kissed/hugged them) since slightly before two I think and DD was older than that. They both, though, occasionally skip it, or change it--- just like an adult.

[P-chan]

Like many PP's, I point out that we're saying good-bye and ask my son if he wants to give kisses. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't, and there is no pressure after the first suggestion. The best part is, if I hold him up to kiss an adult, I usually get a sweet little kiss too!

Sometimes he wants to kiss a little friend who doesn't want to be kissed, which is a wonderful teachable moment in kissing. Not everyone you want to kiss wants to be kissed by you!

Blowing kisses can be a good compromise for closeness/germ issues.

ETA: Any adult who feels hurt by not getting a kiss can deal with it themselves, in my book, and any adult who tried to make my son feel guilty about no kisses would hear from me immediately. Sometimes my mother-in-law tries to initiate snuggles with my son and he always squirms away, which I totally respect--I don't even comment on it.

[littleaugustbaby]

I've always left it up to DD. My family has always said "Can I have a hug/kiss" rather than "Give me a hug/kiss", and if DD says no (which is often, even for me!), then nobody feels bad.

ITA with the PP who said that blowing kisses is a good substitute. So are high fives, DD loves doing both of those.

[mamaduck]

All our adult friends/relatives ask my kids, "Can I have a hug? Can I give you a kiss?" My youngest always says "no." Its well known that he doesn't like people to touch him, except for me, Daddy, brother and one particular friend. His grandmothers do go privately nuts over his boundries, but they are respectful enough to mind them. I feel badly about it -- it would be hard to be loving grandma to a beautiful little boy and never be allowed to snuggle him!

My oldest one will consent, but turns red and looks awkward.

My children are very private and slow with their affections. Very much like me and DH -- independent and physically reserved. No doubt we are to blame for whatever hang-ups they will develop with regard to intimacy! Sigh.

[Lady Madonna]

I'll suggest, but I won't force. My mother was visibly upset when DD wouldn't hug her immediately the last time we saw them - but it had been 5 months, and DD isn't even two yet, AND my mom was pretty overwhelming in her enthusiasm for those hugs and kisses. My step-dad, on the other hand, just lets DD approach him in her own time, and he gets lots of kisses/hugs/cuddles a lot sooner than my mom.

DH and I agree that we will never force DD to show physical affection for anyone, nor will we let anyone force physical affection on her. It's very important to us that she know she can set boundaries and enforce them when it comes to her body, and that we will support her in that. I've said to people, including my mother, that she'll let them know when she's ready for kisses/hugs/cuddles and they should let her be. I'm hoping it helps DD as she grows up.

[wildmonkeys]

We say "do you want to give grandma/grandpa/aunt/uncle a hug goodbye?" and then they open their arms...if the boys don't go to them, then nobody pushes it.

My older son has always been very huggy with family and friends alike - though lately he has started outgrowing it with friends. It has actually been hard because one of his little friends is always wanting to hug goodbye and lately he just gives her a waves and a "bye" and then she cries because she wants a hug BUT I will not force him to hug her...it seems like a bad message for both of them, ykwim?

BJ
Barney & Ben