Kissing and Hugging Relatives - Page 2

[Casual Storm]

I do not encourage my ds to kiss or hug anyone, and I get annoyed if someone asks him for a hug or kiss more than once. I think physical affection should be completely spontaneous and voluntary. If he says no, or shows obvious body language that means no, it should be respected and not taken personally.

This topic really became an issue with us this past week. My MIL was babysitting my 3 yo ds, and when she was leaving, she kept insisting that he kiss her. He obviously didn't want to, since he wouldn't even look her direction even though she held her face less than 6 inches away from his. After around the 4th request, I told her ds didn't seem to want to kiss and hug her today, and that was ok. She said "Oh I know" and then proceeded to ask him two more times. Finally, ds really got fed up and slapped her face. My MIL was upset, but to be honest, I think she deserved it. I mean, she probably would have done the same thing if someone was in her face demanding a kiss over and over again and wasn't taking no for an answer.

Now my ds is holding a grudge against her and says he doesn't like her anymore. He definitely doesn't want her to babysit him in the near future. My dh talked with her about respecting ds's boundries, and hopefully she got the message, although I think it will take awhile for ds to warm up to her again.

[Marsupialmom]

The only time I have encouraged closeness with a relative is our Great Aunt Marie. She is 102. She is blind and has cateracs. She is very old and has some very ODD looking facial features. Plus she has an odd odor (nursing home smells).

I prepped my kids on her. I explainned that she will want to touch thier face and hold their hands. We did/do a what if session. That includes what if she touches parts covered by undies. What if someone else.

This Aunt is harmless but because of her looks can set off alarms of NOT NORMAL in a child.

We do have family that ask. My dh also put his sister and brother in their place with my third child, the non-hugger/toucher.

[MamaBug]

I always say hug so and so, usually only close family members the boys know. However my youngest who is just 5, will sometimes not want to and I say ok, can you give a Hi 5 and he will usually do that. Most ppl understand and I refuse to push him. My mother gets wicked pissed though that he will not hug or kiss her but WILL hug and kiss my father. He is very in tune with her negativity and I know that is why he won't show her affection and we do not make him.

I think whatever your child is comfortable doing you should go with that. My oldest will hug anyway, which in some ways concerns me. So I say worry about this when it happens, make suggestions and try to respect how they feel about it and don't push them to do anything that makes them uncomfortable as it could set them up for possible danger situations in the future when they don't know to head their own feelings, kwim?

[eilonwy]

I ask BeanBean if he wants to give hugs and kisses to close relatives; if he says no, he doesn't. I've had to remind FIL several times that BeanBean and BooBah are not to be forced or coerced into showing affection. He thinks I'm full of crap and trying to raise a rude child, but Mike is on the same page as I am and shuts him down immediately. We've never had the issue come up with MIL, because BeanBean and BooBah always want to hug and kiss her. :LOL

Mike has a *huge* extended family. Very few of the relatives (cousins/aunts/uncles/2nd cousins) have asked the kids for hugs and kisses. I think that they all know how overwhelming the big group of them can be, and they don't expect every child to want to hug every relative at every gathering.

[Zipporah]

Has anyone seen "Once Were Warriors"? There is a gut-wrenching scene where the young girl who has been raped by her "uncle" comes home late after wandering the streets in despair and is forced by her father to "give uncle Bully a kiss". It is the final straw for her and she then runs out to the backyard and hangs herself from a tree.
I strongly believe in a child's right to self-determination when it comes to their own body and physical affection. There is just too much at stake.

[Suzetta]

I have issues with this in our family as well.

My parents constantly order my dd to kiss or hug them. I wonder sometimes why they are so afraid to just be affectionate themselves. It bothers me, as this seems to be more of a control issue. It is like they are making her perform for them. (that is another thread altogether)

I remember when we were children. At bedtime, we had to line up to give my dad a kiss goodnight. It wasn't affection, it was just what we "had" to do.

Now that he sees that he can't control or boss my children the way he did us, I think he is challenged. While he still annoys the hell out of me (can I say that here?) I must admit that he has been trying to establish a bond with my kids. It is really kind of pathetic to see how difficult it is for him to be loving and warm. Shameful.

I still can't figure out how I ended up the way I am, being raised with those people.

[beth568]

Thanks for bringing this up. I think it's something that's really important to be aware of. Even something as simple as the language you use - "Do you want to/can you give Grandma a kiss?" in stead of "Give Grandma a kiss!" makes a difference.

My DD1 was always quite hesitant to come close to my FIL. He has Parkinson's, so he moves in ways that must seem odd to her, and I think when she was a baby and young toddler it was scary. Now that she's older, and knows him better, she is sometimes OK hugging him, but not always. I know it makes him feel bad when he can see that she's obviously unnerved by him, but I work hard not to let anyone force her to do something she doesn't want to do with her body. I've often had to jump in and suggest alternatives like blowing a kiss, high 5s, waves, etc.

I wish more people stopped to think about what they were doing when they try to force kids to be physically affectionate.