Dealing when family members parent so differently

[Eman'smom]

My sister is pregnant, the farther she getting into her pregnancy the harder it is for me to talk to and deal with her.

We've always been night and day so I don't know why I should be surprised. She and her SO got pregnant on purpose, fine, everyone in the family was up in arms but me, who cares if they are married or not, well they "can't" even live together, they've tried, and it doesn't work, she has always attracted bad relationships, not always the guys, believe me she gives as good as she gets, anyway on to the poor little baby.


At her 8 week prenatal she talked to the dr about a c-section, she doesn't think she will be able to "do" a vaginal delivery, why who knows.

She has always said "I'm having a boy" period, "I'm not having a girl" don't even think things like I might have a girl, because I'm NOT having a girl.

So of course she had 3 ultrasounds, she is having a boy. She has decided to circ, even though I've given her all the info, she has decided "its right for her family". She says she wants to breastfeed, but has "shy" nipples (is that flat/inverted nipples) so she will try to BF but if it doesn't work out oh well. She sleeps in bed with 2 Boxers (large 80+ pound dogs) these dogs sleep on the pillow with her. She says something about not knowing where to set up a nursery (again she doesn't want to parent alone but remember she can't live with SO). I say don't worry about the nursery just put a bassinet in the room with you. Oh I'm not having the baby in the room with me, he is going to be in his room in his crib from the start, I'm not parenting at night, I'm going to to be manipulated by a baby, blah blah.

I feel so bad for this little baby, she has registered for 2 baby pack and plays tons of bottles, lots of decorations for the nursery. Has plenty of money to pay for a circ (her insurance won't cover it) but can't afford a breastpump..... I could go on and on, I haven't even brought up vaxs and cding with her. I mean she is 27, she is my younger sister, her life has always been kind of a mess, but heck it was her life, but now she is bringing this poor little baby into the fray.

Anyway so back to the title of the thread, how do you deal with this. Am I supposed to keep quiet and smile, how much (more) do I say?

[L.J.]

It can be difficult when family members parent very differently.
I have watched and cringed my cousin spank his 3 year old as I scrambled to leave the room. I've listened while some of my family sing the praises of crying it out, schedules and how they would have hated to have a child rule their lives. I just listen or leave during those conversations. They don't hear or want to hear any of the information I have so I only share if asked. I figure others may get what I'm doing just by watching.

What I have done with friends and family is to accept that they are making the choices they feel is best for them and their family. I offer help and love to all of them. Being a parent is tough and the best thing we can do for any new parent is support and love them as much as possible. I believe that people respond better to love & support than someone trying to tell them what they "should" do. I also believe that if they feel supported, they are likely to treat their child better and be a better more loving parent.

Your sister still has no idea what she will do with this child. It is possible that she will do everything she said she will. It is also possible that she may change her mind on some things after she falls in love with her new babe.

I hope you all find a peaceful way to share your families and maybe you will all learn from each others differences.

[Willowrose]

I planned to crib sleep, bottlefeed, use a pack n play, etc...and ended up doing NONE of it! I didn't know anything different and only learned about AP'ing through my midwives. I had no idea the strong mothering instincts that kicked in when my first son was born. I held him 24 hours a day. Nursed him every 15 minutes. By the time he was 3 months old, I was an AP'ing pro. 4 years later, neither boy has slept in a crib, used a bottle, been in a playpen, or any other "mainstream" norm.
All that to say, perhaps things will change when she sees that little one. There are a lot of things we "plan" to do before we have children and all that changes when they actually arrive.
If she doesn't change her mind, well, hopefully she has done her research and really believes she is giving her child the best. I think most of us, as mothers, *try* and accomplish that.

No one in DH's family or my own, parent the way we do. However, regardless of their parenting choices, I firmly believe they parent with the most important tools: patience and love. I think AP'ing is the best, but I don't think mainstream mothers don't have their childrens best interest at heart. I think some of us are just better informed or better equipped to AP. I know sometimes it may be hard for us to come to the realization that mothers who use mainstream parenting are still very capable of loving their children tremendously.

[elmh23]

Dh's brother and his wife parent way differently than us (spank, shame, yell, CIO.) The way I deal with them is not to say anything bad about their parenting (though sometimes I really wish I could) and let them do their own thing. However, if they say something about my parenting, I tell them what I think. None of our family have kids younger than Sarah, so I'm in the position of everyone thinking I'm crazy for holding my child in the sling (my SIL actually said she never wanted to hold her children when she saw dd in the sling!) and co-sleeping.

Dh and I just vent when we leave them (they live out of state so we don't see eachother often, thankfully!) Also, time with them generally help us parent. We see all the stuff we DON'T want to do in their parenting and strive to do a better job with Sarah.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Gee, I'd say your sis is my SIL--except my SIL is an only child (which is a GOOD thing--the fewer of her out there, the better).
She is EXACTLY like the person you are describing. So, I let it be and don't get into it with her.
I have tried to give her information, only to find it stacked at the bottom of the newspaper pile, never even looked at.
She has my Medela PIS and never even unzipped it to look at the pump.
She is actually ANTI-AP if that is even possible, stating that Dr. Sears is an "idiot" and that The Baby Book that I gave her was a waste of paper.
What can you do?? Nothing. She is an adult, and has made her choices.
As I have made mine. So, I make nice when I see her and leave the room when she makes comments about my kids who are still bfing and LLL being hard-core, etc.
I don't address the issues--why bother?

[JSerene]

I know exactly how you feel - I'm also at a loss for how to deal with my sister. She wants to take the easy/convenient road to parenting, despite all my well intentioned good advice that bottle feeding, circing, and leaving the baby to sleep in a room away from you is NOT easier. For example, when I list all the benefits of breastfeeding, she completely dismisses it because the two people she knows who were breastfed as infants are no healthier than everyone else who was formula fed. How can I argue with that kind of anecdotal evidence?? The scary thing is she's now going to school to be an RN. I would hate to have a nurse who completely dismissed research and held on to their own views, now matter how wrong or outdated they were. It is extremely frustrating. I finally told her recently that I would stop bringing any of it up - completely and forever - if she would just educate herself on her choices. I said that if I knew that she was making an informed decision I could live with it (was I a little pushy, do ya think?) and would she read some information if I provided it? Here was her sarcastic answer: "what, are you going to quiz me on it?" I give up. I've decided to stop bringing it up because I don't want her to resent me. We all have to find our own way. Willowrose, you give me true hope that she will do what's best for her baby - thanks for the encouraging post!!!

[Eman'smom]

I keep trying to tell myself that when the baby is born things could change. But I just don't see that happening

[Poetmama]

The best thing you can do is try to be an example when you do see your sister. My two sister-in-laws are the exact opposite of me, it drives me up the wall to watch one put her 9 month old down to sleep with a bottle hanging out of his mouth, alone in his crib with the computer playing music for him. The other one puts her almost two year old in bed while "The Incredibles" drones on in the background on his 36 inch television (yes, it's his tv in his room). When I talk with them, while they are complaining about behavior or situations, I state things like, "I've never had that happen, probably because I do this..."

All you can do is hope it will change. Sorry my advice isn't better.

[Diane~Alena]

AHHH! I know what you mean I have meny people in my life that are the same. I remember when one of my friends told me she was wanting a MICROWAVE (I won't make you go though what I feel about mircowaves)for her shower gift so she could nuke her baby bottles. I just smile and nod I have spoken my bit and now the choice is hers. I have often said to friends that if they want me to be quiet about their choices then they have to not talk to me about them. It is hard when you feel so strongly but if you want that person in your life you have to respect their views just like we expect them to respect us. That is what my mom told me anyway, it works for me.

[WonderWild]

Originally Posted by Willowrose

I planned to crib sleep, bottlefeed, use a pack n play, etc...and ended up doing NONE of it! I didn't know anything different and only learned about AP'ing through my midwives. I had no idea the strong mothering instincts that kicked in when my first son was born. I held him 24 hours a day. Nursed him every 15 minutes. By the time he was 3 months old, I was an AP'ing pro. 4 years later, neither boy has slept in a crib, used a bottle, been in a playpen, or any other "mainstream" norm.
All that to say, perhaps things will change when she sees that little one. There are a lot of things we "plan" to do before we have children and all that changes when they actually arrive.

Ditto to this. Also I would like to add that the first few weeks for me after he was born were very confusing. I was desperate for sleep and took the advice of my ped to "let him cry a little". Unfortunately I did ONE time. That was the one and only time. After a few weeks the *fog* finally lifted and I got some sense about me. Try to be there for her as much as you can in the beginning. Maybe you can make a good impression on her and help her through it. She might just change her mind. I did not have anyone to make a good impression on me and luckily I leaned toward AP anyway.

[soccerchic21]

Ok first. One thing I can't stand is when people let their dogs sleep in their bed but won't let their children do the same.....arrrghhhh...rant over.

Support now...

My DH and I are the "granola weirdos" on both sides of our families. His brother and SIL (who are both older than us and think we are just silly "kids") just don't get why we do the things that we do. I think they actually take it as a personal attack against them when I just try to explain why we choose to do no circ, co-sleeping, CD..etc.

Maybe as far as the breastfeeding goes and at night if you could explain to her how much easier it actually is to co-sleep and breastfeed. She will do a lot more "parenting" and being up at night if she has a bottlefed baby. There is a great post on formula feeding in the breastfeeding advocacy forum. You should copy it and get it to her.

As far as her being "young" and 27...I don't get it. I am 27 and having my second. I think it is all about how much you let yourself get educated. KWIM?

Do you have a good pro-breastfeeding, non-circ ped that you can refer her too. Maybe hearing these things from a dr. will sway her more.

[Mary]

My sister is pretty much the opposite of me and it is hard. I get nervous whenever we are planning a visit. I don't know why exactly. I am very confident in our parenting decisions and just by looking at my kids, you can see that we're doing something very right, they are great kids!

It's just that I know how she feels about circumcision- can you believe there are people out there that think it's terrible to not circumcise your baby??? She thinks that extended nursing is a terrible choice and after a certain age borders on abusive??? It's terrible.

I just protect myself and my family. I don't get into it with her. I do try to offer another point of view when she starts singing the praises of cio. I have only gone so far as to say, "what is the price of cio, do you really know?" At best I might make her think and cause her to see that you don't have to fall back on the same lousy parenting choices that are so rampant. People have no excuse. You can choose to do things differently and yes, some choices are better than others. Unfortunately her measuring stick for "better" has more to do with short-term convenience for her.

I could rattle on and on, but I'll stop. My sister and I happen to be good friends too, so go figure.

[Suzetta]

I really try not to judge the views of others. She may meet her child, and realize that he has other ideas about what he needs.

I planned to crib my first, but she demanded cosleeping. As a result, my eyes were open for the first time to parenting techniques I never considered. I wanted to bf her forever, but had to switch her to the bottle at 6 months in order to start trying for her sibling. (You cant bf and do invitro). You can bottle feed with love and nurturing.

My second baby has decided that she likes to sleep in the crib, so that is where she goes. I miss not having her in my bed, but I must do what makes her happy.

My point is this...if you come off as being a know it all, and try to persuade her to see your reasoning, she might close her mind to exploring these options. Give her time to find her own ways of parenting.

Bottles, cribs, packnplays don't necessarily translate into bad parents. Co-sleeping and breastfeeding are great ways to bond with your baby...but they are by far not the ONLY way.

[TinkerBelle]

Bottles, cribs, packnplays don't necessarily translate into bad parents. Co-sleeping and breastfeeding are great ways to bond with your baby...but they are by far not the ONLY way.

Thank you for that. I will fully admit I am not a total AP type mom. (but admire those who are)

I cannot breastfeed this third guy, due to some medical problems. So, we bottlefeed. You would not believe the static I have gotten for that, since I breast fed our first 2. "Oh, you can do it, you just don't want to..." or "Here, you need to try this....". Believe me, I tried everything I could. Being he is my third child I do have some knowledge of breastfeeding. People act like I am just some kind of evil thing for not breastfeeding.

I have a happy, healthy, smiling, 18 lb, 27 inch long baby boy. Isn't a happy and healthy baby all that matters in the end?