Ok, some background, I'll try to keep it short: My mom had me at 17, dumped me on her parents, came back when I was three and took me with her against my will (Yes, I actually remember that). Drug me through a million men, was abused in front of me, did drugs in front of me etc. Did a million little things while I was growing up to belittle me, from talking me out of trying out for the basketball team in jr. high with her list of things I couldnt do and wouldnt be good at (in jr. high, EVERYONE makes the team, you just have to show up) to making fun of my poetry (I couldnt possible know that much about life and pain) to belitting my play pretend games (At various times I pretended to be a princess, a mermaid, an executive, a sahm, a brain surgeon, a garbage collector, an indian etc and any number of other probable and improbable things) one day I was pretending to be a secretarey and was told (by the woman who checked groceries for a living) "I thought you had more ambition than that, whats wrong with you? Dont you want to amount to anything?
I left home at 16 after an argument that ended when she chucked a glass bottle at me and hit my brother, blooding his lip. I came back home pregnant and was pressured into an abortion. While I was still healing from that, I was kicked in the stomach, making me spend years wondering if I could even have kids. I left again and never went back.
At 22 I had my ds1 and for years barely spoke to my mother. Meanwhile, she married her 5th husband, a really decent guy (theyve been togather 16 years now). She raised his three kids and did a better job, she was older, more mature and had a stable partner for the first time. We fought a lot over ds, mostly because I didnt spank and so had (her words) "an out of control spoiled child who never hears the word no". I wonder why he's such a polite child now, why I get compliments on him? Anyway.
I stayed gone, 200 miles away until ds was 11. I drove my crappy cars, without a/c, with bald tires, whatever twice a year to come home and visit, mostly to see my brother and stepsiblings whom I became close to. In all that time my mother visited me once, she wouldnt make the trip when I (a highschool dropout) graduated from Texas A&M University.
My ex was abusive, he did drugs, he was violent, he punched holes in walls, threatened me, verbally abused me, pushed me, threw things at me etc. My mother encouraged me to stay with him, because he was "good for me" and made me "more stable" huh? Fast forward to my current dh, the most loving man Ive ever known, my soulmate I swear, and I was told not to date him. I was told that we were "besotted", "unrealistic" etc. and "just wait two years and it will be a diffrent story" well, its been three and hes never raised his voice to me, much less a hand, hes never punched a wall or even stomped off angry. We never really argue, we actually (gasp) discuss, listen to each other and compromise. And generally, I pretty much make all the decisions.
Fil lives with us, and dh's 19 yr old cousin came when he was 16 and needed a place to stay to be able to finish school. Now we find out his two youngest siblings, 16 and 9 are in foster care and we have applied to get them.
DH and I have a two year old dd and a six month old ds, both are still bf.
Deep breath.
My mother has never had a functional relaptionship in her life, my stepdads a good guy, but my mom says not affectionate or intimate or whatever and she has had an affair. Today my mom took my sil (dh's sister) to get her extra set of keys when she locked herself out and they talked about dh's childhood. DH does not speak to his bio mother at all, sil says that fil did his share of sh#$t too and its not fair. Whatever. I have refused sil's requests to get in the middle of it(she wants me to talk dh into forgiving mil), apparently mil beat the crap out of dh with a belt and not just on his butt. Now, my mother says, "well, but did he tell you what he did to deserve it?" I said no, and NOTHING could justify it and Im sure he WAS screwed up andout of control because of his parents, but yeah, they should punish him for it (sarcasm), but the main thing is, mil moved to a diffrent state and refused fil any visitation and dh was very attached to his dad. Then my mom tells me that sil said dh has a bad temper and goes on and on about he better not hit me. She also goes on and on about Imbeing taken advantage of by his "sorry" family, that Im everyones slave (fil does most of the cleaning, I do most of the cooking though fil and dh both take thier turns, I NEVER wash dishes, fil does, dh also cleans and vaccums and we all three do diaper duty). She says ds1 and the cousin should clean more. They take out all garbage, wash thier own towels and clean thier own rooms and bathroom (they share one). My moms problem is they dont clean it often enough or good enough to HER standards. She is a compulsive neat freak, neurtoic and anal. She cant have a bedspeard with tassels becuase she'll literally spend hours straightening the tassels.
My personal philosophy is, kids are temporary (they grow up), the house will always be here to clean. Now, Im not dirty, you wont find overflowing garbage cans or three days worth of dishes or anythign nasty, but you will find toys scattered everywhere, cheerios onthe floor, dirty laundry in a pile, but yes on the floor, for days until I can get to it. Bottom line, the kids are a priority. Yes, growing up our house was spotless, I was miserable, so who cares?
Anyway, Im just so sick of all of this, she tells me how dd would eat and grow better if I weaned her, she still thinks I never tell my kids no, that I feed them nothing but junk (its so untrue and not fair), she has always held the warped, out of nowhere view that Im somehow dominated, she'll ask me to go somewhere then add, "If youre allowed" when Ive never had to ask permission of dh for ANYTHING. SHES the one always saying, "___ wont let me".
Now she's on the kids, saying how Im putting them before my own and hurting my dd (doesnt seem concerned about either ds) and they will hurt her because of thier past (by this logic, Im not safe to be around them) and we cant afford it and Im only doing this because dh has total control over me and Im supported his whole family. First of all, dh brings in almost TWICE what I do and fil gets about half what I get from his pension and is a free, live in nanny and housekeeper. I think we do a great job of cooperating and looking out for each other and making this household run. Ive never had an argument with fil or with dh's cousin. I actual love it, my house is so full of love. And Ive always been told Im "overprotective" and "paranoid" with my kids and I am a little, because of my past, I was sexually molested. So first of all, no way Id let it happen, if I got an inkling these kids were THAT troubled, out theyd go. Id never have anyone around that would hurt them. I KNOW these kids, ive spent time with them, they are sweet kids whove had hell. Thier older brother has been a huge help aound here, often paying MORE than what we charge him for rent just because. My kids adore him. I think I have pretty good instincts. Second of all, I guess it yanks my chain hard because if her instincts are so good, why did I get molested by TWO diffrent men and a little boy from a perfectly "good home"?
Now she has my stepsister, also in an abusive relationship, working two jobs to his none and miserable, critizing my tandem nursing! ARGH! Enough is enough!
My dd loves her grammy and my mom and I have (beleive it or not) made great strides (until recently) towards mending our relationship. But I have had it, from her nagging me every day of my pregnancy about how we were living in a dream world for wanting another baby (yeah, we dont live in the real world or know what were in for, who does she think raised the first two??) to her insinuating that my relationship (the first healthy, functional one Ive ever had other than the ones with my kiddos) is someone abusive (when she wanted me to stay in the one that actually WAS)! I mean, how can someone be so disconnected from reality? Its like she doest listen to a word I say, but makes up these scenarios from what I dont know.
I want everyone to stay out of my life and my decisions!! My only two real stressors are: my ex and HER! SHE is what stresses me, Im HAPPY at home!
I have said, explicity, that my decisions are always thought out and researched and discussed etc and that I expect them to be respected, even if not agreed with. I do not go into THIER homes and tell them how to live, criticize thier decions or tell them they are doing things wrong. And it would be one thing to state her opinion and leave it alone, but she is relentless. She knows we want to have one more baby and has been doing her best to talk us out of it since I was pregnant with the last one. She so sure we will go the poor house or something. I make ok money, we will never be rich, but we are richer in more important ways. My kids lack for nothing.
Ok, I think Ive ranted myself out now.
Any suggestions/comments appreciated!!
I left home at 16 after an argument that ended when she chucked a glass bottle at me and hit my brother, blooding his lip. I came back home pregnant and was pressured into an abortion. While I was still healing from that, I was kicked in the stomach, making me spend years wondering if I could even have kids. I left again and never went back.
At 22 I had my ds1 and for years barely spoke to my mother. Meanwhile, she married her 5th husband, a really decent guy (theyve been togather 16 years now). She raised his three kids and did a better job, she was older, more mature and had a stable partner for the first time. We fought a lot over ds, mostly because I didnt spank and so had (her words) "an out of control spoiled child who never hears the word no". I wonder why he's such a polite child now, why I get compliments on him? Anyway.
I stayed gone, 200 miles away until ds was 11. I drove my crappy cars, without a/c, with bald tires, whatever twice a year to come home and visit, mostly to see my brother and stepsiblings whom I became close to. In all that time my mother visited me once, she wouldnt make the trip when I (a highschool dropout) graduated from Texas A&M University.
My ex was abusive, he did drugs, he was violent, he punched holes in walls, threatened me, verbally abused me, pushed me, threw things at me etc. My mother encouraged me to stay with him, because he was "good for me" and made me "more stable" huh? Fast forward to my current dh, the most loving man Ive ever known, my soulmate I swear, and I was told not to date him. I was told that we were "besotted", "unrealistic" etc. and "just wait two years and it will be a diffrent story" well, its been three and hes never raised his voice to me, much less a hand, hes never punched a wall or even stomped off angry. We never really argue, we actually (gasp) discuss, listen to each other and compromise. And generally, I pretty much make all the decisions.
Fil lives with us, and dh's 19 yr old cousin came when he was 16 and needed a place to stay to be able to finish school. Now we find out his two youngest siblings, 16 and 9 are in foster care and we have applied to get them.
DH and I have a two year old dd and a six month old ds, both are still bf.
Deep breath.
My mother has never had a functional relaptionship in her life, my stepdads a good guy, but my mom says not affectionate or intimate or whatever and she has had an affair. Today my mom took my sil (dh's sister) to get her extra set of keys when she locked herself out and they talked about dh's childhood. DH does not speak to his bio mother at all, sil says that fil did his share of sh#$t too and its not fair. Whatever. I have refused sil's requests to get in the middle of it(she wants me to talk dh into forgiving mil), apparently mil beat the crap out of dh with a belt and not just on his butt. Now, my mother says, "well, but did he tell you what he did to deserve it?" I said no, and NOTHING could justify it and Im sure he WAS screwed up andout of control because of his parents, but yeah, they should punish him for it (sarcasm), but the main thing is, mil moved to a diffrent state and refused fil any visitation and dh was very attached to his dad. Then my mom tells me that sil said dh has a bad temper and goes on and on about he better not hit me. She also goes on and on about Imbeing taken advantage of by his "sorry" family, that Im everyones slave (fil does most of the cleaning, I do most of the cooking though fil and dh both take thier turns, I NEVER wash dishes, fil does, dh also cleans and vaccums and we all three do diaper duty). She says ds1 and the cousin should clean more. They take out all garbage, wash thier own towels and clean thier own rooms and bathroom (they share one). My moms problem is they dont clean it often enough or good enough to HER standards. She is a compulsive neat freak, neurtoic and anal. She cant have a bedspeard with tassels becuase she'll literally spend hours straightening the tassels.
My personal philosophy is, kids are temporary (they grow up), the house will always be here to clean. Now, Im not dirty, you wont find overflowing garbage cans or three days worth of dishes or anythign nasty, but you will find toys scattered everywhere, cheerios onthe floor, dirty laundry in a pile, but yes on the floor, for days until I can get to it. Bottom line, the kids are a priority. Yes, growing up our house was spotless, I was miserable, so who cares?
Anyway, Im just so sick of all of this, she tells me how dd would eat and grow better if I weaned her, she still thinks I never tell my kids no, that I feed them nothing but junk (its so untrue and not fair), she has always held the warped, out of nowhere view that Im somehow dominated, she'll ask me to go somewhere then add, "If youre allowed" when Ive never had to ask permission of dh for ANYTHING. SHES the one always saying, "___ wont let me".
Now she's on the kids, saying how Im putting them before my own and hurting my dd (doesnt seem concerned about either ds) and they will hurt her because of thier past (by this logic, Im not safe to be around them) and we cant afford it and Im only doing this because dh has total control over me and Im supported his whole family. First of all, dh brings in almost TWICE what I do and fil gets about half what I get from his pension and is a free, live in nanny and housekeeper. I think we do a great job of cooperating and looking out for each other and making this household run. Ive never had an argument with fil or with dh's cousin. I actual love it, my house is so full of love. And Ive always been told Im "overprotective" and "paranoid" with my kids and I am a little, because of my past, I was sexually molested. So first of all, no way Id let it happen, if I got an inkling these kids were THAT troubled, out theyd go. Id never have anyone around that would hurt them. I KNOW these kids, ive spent time with them, they are sweet kids whove had hell. Thier older brother has been a huge help aound here, often paying MORE than what we charge him for rent just because. My kids adore him. I think I have pretty good instincts. Second of all, I guess it yanks my chain hard because if her instincts are so good, why did I get molested by TWO diffrent men and a little boy from a perfectly "good home"?
Now she has my stepsister, also in an abusive relationship, working two jobs to his none and miserable, critizing my tandem nursing! ARGH! Enough is enough!
My dd loves her grammy and my mom and I have (beleive it or not) made great strides (until recently) towards mending our relationship. But I have had it, from her nagging me every day of my pregnancy about how we were living in a dream world for wanting another baby (yeah, we dont live in the real world or know what were in for, who does she think raised the first two??) to her insinuating that my relationship (the first healthy, functional one Ive ever had other than the ones with my kiddos) is someone abusive (when she wanted me to stay in the one that actually WAS)! I mean, how can someone be so disconnected from reality? Its like she doest listen to a word I say, but makes up these scenarios from what I dont know.
I want everyone to stay out of my life and my decisions!! My only two real stressors are: my ex and HER! SHE is what stresses me, Im HAPPY at home!
I have said, explicity, that my decisions are always thought out and researched and discussed etc and that I expect them to be respected, even if not agreed with. I do not go into THIER homes and tell them how to live, criticize thier decions or tell them they are doing things wrong. And it would be one thing to state her opinion and leave it alone, but she is relentless. She knows we want to have one more baby and has been doing her best to talk us out of it since I was pregnant with the last one. She so sure we will go the poor house or something. I make ok money, we will never be rich, but we are richer in more important ways. My kids lack for nothing.
Ok, I think Ive ranted myself out now.
Any suggestions/comments appreciated!!
to you. This sounds very, very unpleasant and I am so sorry you are dealing with it.
