Mean kids with disabilities - Page 2

[sadie_sabot]

I think reporting to cps might be a bit over the top, especially considering how little is known about the kid's overall situation.

[Willowrose]

I have to agree with Sadie. I don't understand what good could come of calling CPS over a child with a disability? Should he be confined to his house and not let out?
I am the mother of a 4 year old with Aspergers Syndrome(on the autism spectrum). Most people never have a clue he has this. He has been the "mean kid" often and is sometimes labled "the bully". I was on the flip side before having a child like this.It has changed my whole way of thinking. When you are the parent of a child who sometimes can't control his behavior or emotion it really teaches you sympathy towards people who deal with these same issues.

I can't keep my child sheltered in the house. I need him to socialize with other children and learn "normal" behaviors. I won't leave him with anyone because I know that no one will be able to supervise him or help him with these same social situations. I fear the judgemental looks I get from other people. I despise other people thinking it is their duty to discipline my child. Until you have a child with a disability you truly have no clue how heartbreaking it is. It is completely unfair that these children are labled as "bad" or "mean".

My son has the biggest heart. He will reach out to any child and help them. He is loving and genuine. But, he gets aggressive. He doesn't have the total communication skills that most 4 year olds have. So, sometimes, he acts out with actions rather than words. DH and I are usually on top of things. We reinforce using words, not actions to express himself. Does he get it? Sometimes. Sometimes not.
Do other people get it? Never. Even if they know our situation and know what comes with AS, they still react by rolling their eyes, or trying to give me advice on discipline(for example: "He needs a good spanking" or "Have you tried holding him down?"). You have to tread very cautiously when dealing with a child with these beahviors. It is crucial not to overreact or use aggression. I have to remain calm, be consistent, be gentle.

I am rather pissed that he's been known to be violent yet he wasn't being supervised. Neighbor girls mom said "oh, he was being so good today". The little girl appologized that my son got hurt and called the other boy "crazy in the head" when I saw her this evening and said "he does stuff like that all the time."

I've got to say, if I heard this little girl talking about the boy like this, I would have had a thing or two to say to her mother. Yes, the boy should have been more supervised, but sometimes that is hard to do, even when you are the parent. I have a younger son and can't always be in 2 places at the same time.
What about teaching this "normal" girl that we respect others regardless of their differences. This boy isn't "crazy". His brain just doesn't work the same way others do. The judging of this child is unacceptable and even the children are picking up on it as seen in this little girls choice of words.

[captain optimism]

This sounds tough. I think under the circumstances, I would call the mom of the girl who invited your children, and tell her that you don't want your children to be at her house with this little boy. You want to know when he is going to be visiting so that you can avoid having your children in the house with him. I am assuming that the mom had some control over whether her daughter invited your kids. If not then whoa, it means that she isn't supervising at all! She should at least know who is in the house with her dd and what they are doing, if her children are elementary school aged.

I can't speak to the whole disability issue, but it seems irrelevant. The parent on duty needs to know if one child is throwing rocks at another child, and when she finds out, to interrupt the behavior and send the little boy home.

[thismama]

Hmmmmm... I'm struggling with something similar. A good friend has a child with Asperger's, and he behaves extremely violently toward my daughter and other children. I don't feel that she does enough to control his behaviour... she talks to him after every incident about how "we don't hurt people" but it is obvious to me that the child doesn't care, and behaves aggressively at the next opportunity.

I told her I think he needs more consequences and she disagrees. I don't know what else to do but keep my daughter away from this child.

It's hard... I want to be compassionate and understanding about differences and disability, but when my kid is getting assaulted there comes a point where I no longer care why. It needs to stop.

[Losgann]

My ds is 8 1/2 (with a 2 or 3 year delay in social skills) so basically he and my five year old are about the same age socially.

Ds is beginning to learn from the actions of his friends that being mean is only going to hurt himself. No matter how many times I've tried to teach him the words to use if he was upset or told him to come to me for help, he'll lash out physically first. His friends have taken to leaving and not playing with him for an hour or two after one of these incidents. It's starting to sink in..

It wouldn't be my place to suggest it to the mother or the "supervising" mother, but I think after an incident like that the playdate should be over. Playing with friends is a privilege and if the boy is going to abuse his friends (or his friends friends) he shouldn't have the privilege of playing for a while.

It's a very concrete consequence..

I dunno.. I might invite the offending child over to play and if he was abusive at all send him home with the message.. that might open up a chance to talk with the mom about it.

[wende]

I've got to say, if I heard this little girl talking about the boy like this, I would have had a thing or two to say to her mother. Yes, the boy should have been more supervised, but sometimes that is hard to do, even when you are the parent. I have a younger son and can't always be in 2 places at the same time.
What about teaching this "normal" girl that we respect others regardless of their differences. This boy isn't "crazy". His brain just doesn't work the same way others do. The judging of this child is unacceptable and even the children are picking up on it as seen in this little girls choice of words.

The mom was pulling weeds behind the little girl when she said this. I was shocked at her statement but so tired of the situation that I just shook my head and went into my house.

My kids haven't been back over to play. Obviously I won't let them over there if the other little boy is going to be there.

[4evermom]

It sounds like the boy thought he was going to be in a certain situation, a playdate with the neighbor girl, and the plan was changed on him. Kids with special needs, such as autism, can have a very hard time with changes in plans or routines. Your ds kept joining (with the girl's invitation) and he expressed his belief of how the playdate was supposed to be. The boy got aggressive when your ds kept trying to change the plans, much like kids do if someone tries to take their toys. From his point of view, your ds was being pushy and wasn't taking no for an answer. Obviously, the boy should have been getting more supervision. He perhaps is getting less than he needs because of his physical size. In regards to your question about rewarding bad behavior, you might give Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn a read.

[kitty waltz]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

It sounds like the boy thought he was going to be in a certain situation, a playdate with the neighbor girl, and the plan was changed on him. Kids with special needs, such as autism, can have a very hard time with changes in plans or routines. Your ds kept joining (with the girl's invitation) and he expressed his belief of how the playdate was supposed to be. The boy got aggressive when your ds kept trying to change the plans, much like kids do if someone tries to take their toys. From his point of view, your ds was being pushy and wasn't taking no for an answer. Obviously, the boy should have been getting more supervision.

: that bears repeating.

ITA with all the pp who thought that the boy very obviously needed more supervision. If I were you, wende, I wouldn't send my kids back to play at all unless I knew that the mom's idea of what's acceptable and what's not had changed. Disability or no, any kind of violence is not ok. If you expect it you should prevent it, imo.

Originally Posted by thismama

Hmmmmm... I'm struggling with something similar. A good friend has a child with Asperger's, and he behaves extremely violently toward my daughter and other children. I don't feel that she does enough to control his behaviour... she talks to him after every incident about how "we don't hurt people" but it is obvious to me that the child doesn't care, and behaves aggressively at the next opportunity.

I told her I think he needs more consequences and she disagrees. I don't know what else to do but keep my daughter away from this child.

It's hard... I want to be compassionate and understanding about differences and disability, but when my kid is getting assaulted there comes a point where I no longer care why. It needs to stop.

Both of these situations sound so hard for everybody involved. I would keep my children away as well. But I just wanted to say that ime, consequences will not sink in w/ autism spectrum disorders. The key is prevention, and lots of fun activites provided with lots of structure. Give the kids who act out something else to do and prevent it from happening, or stop the child and move on, every time and eventually the behavior will decrease, and possibly even go away. This is what I do with my autistic daughter. She had a very bad habit of grabbing her little brother and squeezing him. She wanted the tactile stimulation. So we give her fun tactile games {play dough water play etc} and prevent/intervene every time. Each day is full of other things with no unsupervised time together at all. The behavior is decreasing and hopefully will go away.

oh and cps? thats really harsh imo. ouch. I wonder if the mother of the sn boy would still send her son over there if she knew this behavior was tolerated at the 'playdate'.