MIL Vent

[BensMom]

I have already vented to DH but this is still frustrating me. Its sorta off topic, sorry!

MIL has all kinds of financial problems. She had a heart attack 4 years ago and was too young for Medicare and had no insurance (she is a widow, lived on SS and her PT job cutting hair). So I feel for her. No one plans to loose a husband at the age of 42, she has physical problems that keep her from working FT and then to have a heart attack with no insurance SUCKED!!

But 4 years later, she is still in a mess financially. She eventually had to stop wokring at the salon due to her physical issues. She relies on her 3 kids to help out all the time. So every couple of months, she is asking DH and I for money. I keep telling DH that someone needs to help her get on a budget and get everything under control. Instead they all just hope the problem goes away until the next big bill is due (insurance, etc). She also has bounced checks and run up a bunch of CC debt.

They had a budget meeting a couple months ago (on my ORDERS) and figured out that her income is barely enough to cover her outgo, assuming everything is perfect. Bottom line - she needs a PT job. I have suggested something as low key as Walmart greeter. Anything. She says its "boring"! WTF??????

So today, I answered the phone (stupid, Jenn!) and she started in on asking for money and I said No. DH would have caved. I started asking about her job search. She tells me that it take 1.5 hrs to apply to Walmart (computerized application or something). I said "so?" GEEZ. We cannot keep helping her if she cant help herself!

I seriously think we just need to let her sink or swim. (well, short of loosing her house, which I told her to ignore the CC's and pay her mortgage). We are struggling here to pay medical bills (because even though we have insurance, nothing related to autism seems to be covered), pay for a HB MW, we have both cars overdue for 60K service ($$$$) and I am planning on quitting in a month so we will be at one income. WE just cannot keep throwing money we dont have at a problem that will never go away. Any extra cash we do have needs to go into savings for an emergency fund (which we dont have and should) and to pay off our own stupid CC bills.

ARGH! I hate it. It really interferes with my relationship with DH. I have no family of my own really (have a few aunts and uncles in Germany, but no parents or sibs) and its times like this that I really, really appreciate it.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[Awaken]

Vent away, Jenn. I think we can all relate to difficult family members, if not the same exact situation! I think you are really justified in having your own financial concerns- not that you don't want to help her as much as you can, but your son's therapy and your birth an staying out of debt yourself are priority!!

My parents are in a similar situation- mid-50's but live a very unhealthy lifestyle so suffer medical issues, although they do work but it just about kills them. And for some reason even though they both have college degrees, have only done menial jobs. For some reason even though they have a modest income, the have zero money, their house is falling down around them, and they can't afford the basic necessities of life- they spend tons of $ on the dollar store and junk food though! my sisters and I are terrified of what will happen when they become completely disabled and unable to work- they have no savings or retirement or any kind of plan for the future when they're elderly or disabled. My one sis and I live 3 hrs away, and the one sister who does live with them couldn't care less and wouldn't lift a finger to help them if they were in need.

Urgh- families!!! At least I can say they love us, and support us in all we do- and that means a lot.

[BensMom]

Thanks for the support, Mary. You reminded me of my other major issue with her - she is a smoker! So she spends upwards of $60-80/month on cigarettes too. (Oh and according to her, the heart attack had *nothing* to do with the smoking! )

I hope your parents can get it together before they cannot work. SS is just not enough for anyone to live on. Its very hard. And it makes me doubly motivated to plan for retirement so I never have to be a burdon on my children!

[MistyB]

Ouch...stories like yours remind me not to complain about my IL's as I

am really lucky compared to most people. ; )

I would be insistent that as long as she smokes, that noone will help at all. It is totally absurd that she is smoking yet asking you to give her money.

I know that she is on SS but does she qualify for other forms of public assistance? I do not know what the rules are but medicaid, tanf/aid, food stamps etc? She needs to get rid of her house if she can not pay for it. Are there public or low income apts that she can move into?

I have the belief that one should help their parents if it is reasonable. But it sounds like she won't do anything to help herself. Too lazy to be a greeter...wow...that's bad. I would be firm and tell her and your husband know. And make sure that he knows that you mean NO money at all. If you tell her no, it is likely she will be calling him.

Can she file Chapt 7 to eliminate the medical debt. It seems like she might qualify as she can not pay the medical debt back.

[flyingspaghettimama]

Urgh. That sounds bad. My mother was like that too, until I did cut off the financial support. And she did have a full-time job! She had a backload of guilty ready to dump on me, but I resisted anyways. In the real world, there are consequences for making the same bad choices over and over again; and I'd been protecting her from those consequences, to her own deficit (financial and otherwise!). She's been doing better financially since then, although I'm still terrified of when she's retirement age and has nothing.

One of her more terrifying financial decisions - at fifty she withdrew her entire pension (with penalties) in order to move states. She's got nothing! But she's not living with me - I already told her.

[Kavita]

Ugh, what an icky situation!!

When you mentioned Wal-Mart, it reminded me that we were in a Wal-Mart this weekend on our vacation (needed a cooler!) and the guy who was there as a greeter had no legs and was in a wheelchair. So even if it's not the most thrilling job or the best employer, it seems like a do-able job even if one is differently-abled!

Consumer Credit Counseling Inc. (I think it's now changed names to Money Management International, or something similar) is a wonderful nonprofit. They negotiate with creditors, offer customized debt management/consolidation plans, but they make clients sign an agreement not to get or use any credit cards and to slice up the cards they have. They offer classes in budgeting and debt management and some degree of individual financial counseling. They may be able to provide some help with the credit card situation and a be useful resource. However, it sounds like your MIL's problems, esp. with the medical bills, are beyond that, and that the biggest challenge is her lack of initiative to get herself out of this situation herself. I don't know much about bankruptcy laws (and they have changed recently) but maybe a consultation with a professional is in order? Maybe you and your DH could agree not to give her any more money, but perhaps you could offer to pay for a session with a certified financial planner or someone similar who could help her get on the path to straightening her stuff out? It's also easier to take hard advice from a professional, than from a family member . . . .

Hugs and good luck!!

[cjbeach]

Jenn I'm so sorry. Why is it some parents just can't get it together and think their grown child's job is to support the parent??? My ILs don't "Get" our medical expenses for Cam (my 4yo autistic son) as well. They don't "get" why we have to pay $1700 monthly out-of-pocket for ABA therapy, $500/visit for Doc visits, or $$$ for private speech therapy. I've explained that autism is not covered (generally) by any insurance. I'm tired of people not listening.
(((hugs)))))))))

[BensMom]

cjbeach, I had to explain the same to MIL. She thinks that since we have insurance, that everything should be covered. Its hard enough for me to understand why nothing seems to be covered for autism, much less explain it to her! And then she says...just go apply for welfare, they said that if you have a child you automatically qualify. (Ugh, apparently they told her this when she went to apply for help with her medical issues. Maybe if *she* had a child at her income, but not us.)

Kavita, good idea about us paying for a financial planner. I will talk to DH about that.

[gonnabeamom]

Ben's Mom my heart goes out to you. All of this would be incredibly difficult if not pregnant. I think paying for a some sort of financial planning session would be a good idea. But you might want to get someone with a Social Work degree, or just a regular social worker who could help her apply for benefits, Must CFP help people who have money figure out where to invest it.

I don't know if you've put it this way or if it helps, but have you put it to DH and MIL that your first responsibility is to your kids, and right now you are just barely meeting that. As for not understanding why insurance doesn't cover it, you don't have to explain. Just tell her it doesn't and offer her the customer service number of your carrier.

In fact I think getting you and DH on board with a no explanations policy would be great. People like this can drain you by getting you into the details of why or why not until you are exhausted and tied in knots. If you can get DH to agree, it's great to say "Gee, we are sorry we can't continue to help but right now all our money is tied up in Ben's care, and taking care of the new baby" Repeat to MIL, and anyone else in the family until you can do it in your sleep and refuse to discuss it any further.

Sorry, that's a lot of advice, and I know you just mostly wanted to vent. Take care of yourself, and know that the situation is crazy, and you're not.

[deathbygodiva]

Yeah, definitly Comsumer Credit Counseling... it's free. Help her decide if she needs a smaller place, get rid of some debt and consolidate. I feel for you. I know how difficult these situations are!! And the stress they cause in a marriage!!

We're having our own struggles with parents, but luckily not financial. They both are having health crisis at the same time. My mom cares for my father who was disabled from a stroke 5 years ago and she still works FT. She's had health problems of her own since then. Serious stuff, but she refuses to change her lifestyle in the least. Just wants us all to maintain it for her.

IL's are drastically changing their lifestyle as FIL was diagnosed with ALS last year. We're trying to help them get out of their 3 story Victorian and into an ALF.

Wish we could help both families more...