Do you set rules for your parents when they have your kids?

[Changed]

I really need some perspective. Maybe it's just me but I do have some rules that I expect my mother to follow when she wants to keep my DD. They aren't unrealistic and they are minimal but they are to keep her safe and to make me feel better about letting her stay over, in another city at such a young age. My relatives think i'm a b**ch and have no right to impose these rules on my mom. They keep saying how "if they'd ever have told their parents that, they'd have said they could just keep their kids at home!" and ow it's my mother and I should trust her to make the rules while my kids are with her. She's still my mother, yada yada. I'm starting to worry I"m unreasonable. I don't want to be the reason she gives up and stops spending time with them,yk? I want honesty. Tell me if you think i'm unreasonable and please share your rules or outlook.

My rules:

Do not take her in the water without calling me FIRST. No beach, pool ect. (of course she can have a bath or play in the sprinkler.) She can't swim.

She has to ride in her carseat at all times. Period. No exceptions.

I prefer that she not be taken to places like a really busy mall on a saturday but this is just a perferance. (She tends to wonder and for someone not used to having kids around...)

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by my~hearts~light

Do not take her in the water without calling me FIRST. No beach, pool ect. (of course she can have a bath or play in the sprinkler.) She can't swim.

She has to ride in her carseat at all times. Period. No exceptions.

I prefer that she not be taken to places like a really busy mall on a saturday but this is just a perferance. (She tends to wonder and for someone not used to having kids around...)

I don't think any of your rules (or preferences) are unreasonable. You're the mom. You have every right. I do wonder how the first one works, though? If you allow it to happen anyway, then does notifying you actually serve a purpose?

My son has always been with his father or me when visiting two of the 3 sets of grandparents, so we're there to enforce our rules (and have had to on occasion). When he gets to an age where he can visit them on his own if he chooses to do so, then we'll definitely outline the rules. The other set (my mom and her husband) live only a few miles away, are pretty much a daily part of our lives, and know our rules from observation. They're naturally gentle people and I haven't found a need to lay down the law, with the exception of not feeding ds fast food or copious amounts of sugar. :LOL

One thing that occurs to me, though. When you trust your child with people, you have to be willing to give up a certain amount of control. You certainly can't micro-manage every detail of their interaction. If your rules get to that level, it's probably a good time to start re-thinking them.

[Changed]

To explain, the calling me first part.


If they want to go to the beach and build sandcastles I would be ok with that. I would not be ok and would not OK her going swimming at all.

The problem is that all of thses rules have already been broken at least once.

She took her fishing at the beach after I asked her not to take her to the beach and did not take her carseat! WTF?

She says her carseat was in their other car with the boat and she couldn't help it. Says it was harmless to take her to the beach for fishing because they didn'
t get in the water.

Then, this weekend, we were all at my grandmothers house. My mom said she was gonna take DD to my aunts house for a minute to look at the new tile and stuff they put it. OK fine.

Calls an hour later and says that she's been in their pool having a blast for 30 minutes. Alone. They were watching her though.

I flipped and screamed at her. I told her to get her out NOW and bring her back to me and that I was PISSED.

I hung up on her and went and got her myself. She had just barley gotten out and was still dripping wet when I got there.

Now, hindsight, she had a floatation type swimsuit of my cousins on and they were sitting dangling their legs in where she was swimming around. She was so upset that I made her leave and cried all the way back. I felt horrible for her but was so pissed that my mother had the nerve to break the rule and then call me afterward with that it's-perfectly-fine-because-it's-too-late attitude and make me the bad guy, again. Always. If she had called me, she would have know that I was going to take her swimming and had even brought her suit with us. I would have even been ok with her taking her if she's have gotten in with her.

[Diane~Alena]

I think setting rules is fine. I hate my inlaws and how they raised my husband but I respect they want to be apart of my kids lives so I only allow my kids to go because my inlaws obey my rules. I often think I haven't set enough rules since my poor little boy comes home thinking that being naked is a sin : . It is true that our parents didn't set rules but our parents also didn't have the concerns we have today. Times have changed.

[onlyzombiecat]

I think it is fine to have basic rules that you expect to be followed by the person watching your child. Your relatives can think what they will- you are the parent.

I think the one about the water is too vague and screams "I don't trust you to supervise my child". Same with the mall situation. However, you may have had very valid reasons for this and your rules should have been respected.

The rule about the car seat is very clear and the one with the least room for interpretation. It is also a law in most places... not just a parental whim. Anyone who broke that rule for me is saying "I don't care about your child's safety" and would not be caring for my child again.

Even if your mom thinks the rules are too strict she should follow them if she wants to keep your child. Since your mom breaks the rules already- leaving you no reason to trust her now- I would not leave your dc with her alone again.

[matts_mamamama]

I try to, but mine are more minor in comparison, as my son is still pretty little. <shrug> Obviously, the carseat one is non-negotiable for me as well, but many of mine have to do with food, drink and basic spoiling that my mom and MIL tend to like to do. My MIL gave my son orange soda the other day and I about left the party just because she laughed it off.

And by the way, if I hear "I raised you" or "you guys turned out alright" one more time, I'm going to flip out, I swear!!

I appreciate that our moms raised us, but now it's our turn and our kids are our responsibility and therefore, our choices in how we parent should be respected.

[moma justice]

i would not leave my dc with ANYONE who i did not trust....

trust to make good safe choices adn respect my parenting rules/ways of life...

i will not let my dd be alone with my MIL ever again b/c she made dumb choices and has now made very clear that she does not respect my mothering,

MY mom, is super respectful down to the letter about my parenting and is, if anything, more over protective than i am...so my dh and i feel fine to let dd alone with her.....my sister is the same

i do not let my dd be with people who i don't like and don't trust....and i don't give a sh*t about their "feelings" or me sounding "rude"

like a past poster said, those people all had a chance to raise their children, and i think they did a crappy job, i am not going to hand over my dd to them now and turn my headt he other way while they F her up too......

stand your ground, set your rules, and if they break them, or you FEEL YOUR CHILD IS NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!!! PROTECT YOUR BABY!!!!

[Miss Juice]

nak

when my dd was a few mos old i had to attend a seminar in a city about 2.5 hrs away. my mom (same occupation as i) came in from another state for same seminar. we drove together with dd. when dd started screaming in her carseat - what baby doesn't - i told my mom we had to stop.

she said Just Take Her Out and Nurse Her.

in the car while moving. i told her that there was no way, dh would kill me if he found out (i would tell him of course) and furthermore if anything happened i would not be able to live with myself.

she ccontinued to insist, it would take too long for us to stop and after all she used to nurse me WHILE DRIVING so what was i so uptight about...

even now 3 years later she won't wear a seatbelt in my car, wants to let my kids out of their seats etc. we are going to visit her next week and I am sorry, my kids will not drive with her alone in her car. I do not trust my mother to keep them safe.

I feel bad, and I want to trust my mom but she has ignored my requests before to the point of "Mom please don't do that" and her response is "No it's OK if I do."

ultimately i know that if anything happened while she was in charge i could say "I told you so" and it would never ever ever be enough. So she won't have them unsupervised until she gets a grip. I don't even think it is paranoia or control issues, I just think that if you are the mom then people who love you should do it your way. Just to humor you if nothing else - like they weren't worried about their own babies?

[UnschoolnMa]

No hitting (or any physical discipline of any kind) or yelling at my child.

Respect my child's choices regarding themselves. This means that they never have to eat something they don't want to eat, they can wear shorts if they want to, etc.

My child can come/call home at any time they want to.

[CountryMom2e]

I agree - you might want to make the water rule more specific (no swimming, no swimsuits, no pool, no beach). I ABSOLUTELY agree with you on the car seat.

We have minimal rules for my ILs - car seat is an absolute must, no juice, soda or junk food. At my house, I don't let DS watch TV except for the occasional video, he gets very little sugar, and we are pretty consistant about naptimes. I let MIL blow those rules when DS is at her house if she wants - it's up to her. I think at some point you have to say either it's ok that you watch my kids (and thus relax some of the rules I follow at home) or it's not ok.

[Changed]

I"m surprised that the no water thing seems vague to some. I guess it is something to consider. Do you think I should let her take her swimming ect even though she can't swim or just adjust how I word things. Like beach ok swimming at beach not ok. You don't need to call me, this is the rule?

[Diane~Alena]

Originally Posted by my~hearts~light

I"m surprised that the no water thing seems vague to some. I guess it is something to consider. Do you think I should let her take her swimming ect even though she can't swim or just adjust how I word things. Like beach ok swimming at beach not ok. You don't need to call me, this is the rule?

I have anyone who has my children call me before they take my children anywhere just so I don't worry. I would sit and tell whoever has you child that you fear for the child safety in water because of the no swiming issue I am sure they will understand and work with you on the topic.

[Linda in OZ]

When my boys were younger I never really had a problem leaving them with mum, she is pretty open minded and if I told her I wanted something done a certain way then that was how it was done. I totally understand the carseat. and I can see where you are comming from on taking her to a busy place. The swimming, I don't know, I think if your mother takes the necessary steps to ensure she is safe, why make your dd miss out on the fun of splashing around in the water, maybe because I am a water person and we spend the best part of summer in the water and I have got no hope of keeping the boys out of water if it is there to be swum in, I tend to be a little biased. But ultimately she is your daughter and if you aren't comfortable with her doing certain things then that is your right.

[Changed]

More kids die in pools every year than by guns. The undertow at the local beach is terrible and my mom is just not that great a swimmer. It's good to know at least that you all don't see the idea of ANY rules too much. I wish she did. I do trust her for the record, it's just that, well, mom wanted her to start staying down there with her for the weekend much earlier than I was really comfortable with. She was too young for my comfort so I wanted to lay down some rules. I have some control issues no doubt tho.

[Ann-Marita]

I have rules for ANY caregiver for my child. It doesn't matter if they are related or not. If they break the rules, they don't get to keep my child for unsupervised visits. Real simple.

[Ahimsa]

I definitely have rules for anyone that watches my son including my parents. I tell them that they don't have to agree with them, but they do have to respect and follow them. It doesn't matter if other people think they are unreasonable. You are mom and it is important that you are comfortable with things.

[faythe]

A few rules are ok, but only if they are very specific, like always riding in the car seat or don't feed peanut butter. The other two rules, I can kind of understand your thinking, but if you don't trust your mom to use good judgement then I wouldn't let her take your dd by herself.

[eilonwy]

I trust my MIL with the kids, but we do have one rule: They're not to take BeanBean (BooBah has never visited overnight without me) to their church. I know that MIL would never take him near water without express permission, and she's just as tense as I am about carseats (she was injured in an accident when she was 4 and riding in a buggy).

Mostly, the rule is, "If you don't know, ask." If they don't know how I feel about BeanBean eating something or doing something, call me up and ask. They do very well with it most of the time, and noone thinks it's unreasonable (though FIL thinks I'm too tense ).

[shelbean91]

the carseat thing alone would be the end of unsupervised visits. My MIL tried that once, and was very clearly told to NOT do it again (but, we were going really slow, it was only in the neighborhood, etc.- were the 'reasons' she gave).

I also understand the swimming thing, but I think if you can't trust your mom to watch your dd while she's swimming, I don't think your mom should have your dd unsupervised, esp. since she's shown she'll do what she wants anyway.

[Changed]

I guess it's about giving up some control in order to let her learn to trust my mom. I want and expect her to learn that if she (DD) knows that she is not allowed to for example ride without her carseat, that she tells that adult and asks them to call me. She has a hard time doing that when something she wants is on the line. And, she's only 5. I sorta feel like I should apologize for yelling at my mom but I still am not ready to just say, do whatever you want.