Almost have DH convinced...

[Shell_Ell]

I am *thisclose* to having DH convinced to leave our son intact. I can feel it.

He seems to be fighting me less and putting up less of an argument each time I bring it up. Part of that is probably because I found out our midwives reccomend waiting 4-6 weeks before doing it (because some infants are left in a coma-like state of shock and don't nurse well afterward, she said it's better for mom and baby, is that right?) And I figured it would probably mean him getting used to seeing our son with a foreskin and just accepting that he's going to have one.

I just can't imagine doing this to him. I can't imagine anyone hurting my baby for no good or rational reason. I will not allow it to happen in front of me.

I guess it was a vent. But need a little encouragement and ideas of how to get him over the hump and on my side. I really don't want this to be something we are at battle over.

[Past_VNE]

Michelle,

Congratulations on making headway with your husband. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to beat this last hump. My husband has always been anti-circ.

Agreeing with your spouse and making them understand the horrors is certainly the best way to have an intact son. But, it's not your only option. If you do not eventually get him to see the light, you simply can say, "I've presented my research and we are not doing it." This is an issue on which you don't have to agree. It is an issue important enough to your son (I'm SURE he would agree if he could speak up) that you can simply override his opinion and stand firm.

Far too many mamas have known it was a bad thing. To keep the peace and have a smooth road, they've given in to their husbands. Read their guilt at each diaper change, their constant pangs of resentment at their husbands, and their inner sorrow that they still feel years later on this thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=112410

As far as this: "...because some infants are left in a coma-like state of shock and don't nurse well afterward, she said it's better for mom and baby, is that right?)..."
Well, it's better for the breastfeeding relationship to be established firmly before anything bad happens to a baby. That said, most doctors won't do one until after 6 months if it isn't done in the first week or so. Some sort of crap about newborns not feeling pain. (If I pinch a week old baby, I will guarantee he'll cry. But, I guess that's not due to pain, right? : ) So, anyway, it might be the slightly lesser of two evils to do it later. But, remember, Michelle...the reason for leaving a baby intact is only partly due to the 'surgery' itself. The lifelong consequences are far-reaching and terrible.

As far as not allowing it to happen in front of you? Well, what difference does that make to your son? So, you get to be spared of his agony, but he is still abused, mutilated and in unbelievable pain. You said it yourself, some infants go into a state of coma-like shock. WHY??? would you let that happen to him? It's not any better if you aren't there. The terror is still unfolding for your little man.

Speaking of that phrase, your baby is just that....he's a little man of the future. He's not yours. He is his own person, given by God or by nature to you to raise in the healthiest, best manner possible. Doing something like circumcising him does not follow suit.

I know you are already against it and therefore am not trying to convince you it's wrong. You know that. I'm just trying to paint a different picture so that you can see it's utterly your son's issue, not yours or your husband's. Therefore, you do not have to make your husband agree. You only have to protect your son.

s Best of luck to you and I'm sure the other folks here will have good advice for you!!!!!

Jaclyn

[jessjgh1]

It is great that you are bringing up this subject with your dh.

Why don't you bring it up and ask him how he is feeling about the issue now that you have learned a little more about it? Mention the info that your midwife gave you and your concerns? Ask him what concerns and questions remain so you can find out information and get back to him. Mostly take the attitude that you are so surprised to find out that "things have changed so much" since he was a baby (I'm assuming he was probably circed).

Thank him for his support and understanding. Reaffirm that you are just concerned about your son and were "just as surprised as he was" to learn that information regarding circs had changed so much. Tell him that this is really important to you, but that you want/need his input and support. Remind him that it is your ds's penis and that circing is permanent. Remind him that the foreskin is a normal natural healthy bodypart that has a biological as well as sexual function.

Those are things that helped me when talking to my dh.

When your dh has specific questions/problem, then you can concentrate on them. If he becomes less supportive, there are many other strategies- such as telling him to make the case TO YOU. You can also have him watch a video of a circumcision.

Hope that helps- and mostly, hope that this is all unnecessary. I hope your dh has already been won over.

Hugs!

Jessica

[Shell_Ell]

By "happening in front of me" I mean I won't have the information and still let it go on... not literally being there when it's done. Obviously if we were going to go through with the surgery I'd be right there to soothe him when it was all over.

I actually did bring up what my midwife told me, and he seemed leary of doing it that long after the birth. Like somehow doing it right away was better? ETA: I presented this as our only option, since BFing is so important to me. So if that's the case, it might be what changes his mind.

Thanks you guys for your input, it's really helping me remember that it's more about the baby, the little boy inside of me, than about his little penis.

[alegna]

I would put the burden on him to find reasons why you SHOULD do it. Looking like daddy is no reason for surgery. And I would make your husband watch the video.

Mostly though I'd tell him he's a toad for wanting to hack off a chunk of his son's penis. But I'm not very nice....

-Angela

[teachinmaof3]

I was recently in your shoes.

We both shared our feelings on the issue...I presented him with all the facts I had learned. His position was..since he IS circ'd he's just never thought of not doing it. He was open to the info I had but it was all new to him since he's just figured it's the "normal" thing to do. He also told me that if he was intact, he wouldn't give any thought to getting the baby circ'd b/c being intact would be "normal" to him. I was careful to not be forceful and just present him with the facts (he didn't even know exactly HOW it was done). I told him I had several websites saved, asked if he would please look/read thru them, then we'd talk about it some more.

What ultimately changed his mind the next day...well, that and me TELLING him it would NOT be done...was the fact that I called our Dr's office and found out they do NOT use pain meds for the procedure. Since we are having a homebirth we'll have to take ds into the office to be circ'd. When I found that out I told him, it will NOT be done. Period. He cringed and said, "ok ok..." He had told me in our original discussion that he did NOT agree that it should be done w/o pain meds and that he wouldn't allow anyone to hurt his son. So hearing that about our Dr.'s office gave him that final push I think.

Hang in there!!!

[Shell_Ell]

he's just figured it's the "normal" thing to do.

EXACTLY what my husband said!

[paminmi]

Shell-

Hang in and stand your ground, your husband will come around. If not, he will get used to the idea your son will have a foreskin and after a while, probably won't think another thing about it. I went through the same thing with mine.

I have a question: I notice you live in Madison. Although I live in the UP (of MI) I am an avid WPR listener. I have learned that Madison is a progressive city. Do you know many with intact boys? Do you know if circumcision is "fading out" there, if hospitals discourage, etc?

Sadly, at the small hospital in my town, the circumcision rate is at least 95%. I go to Green Bay a few times a year and am guessing with the ever increasing Hispanic and Asian population that the rate there is dropping but was wondering about your town.

I guess I'm just looking for a little sun to peak through the clouds in my world, that things may be moving in the right direction in the midwest if you KWIM.

BTW: My son is going to be 16 in Sept, has a couple intact boys in his grade, has a circumcised dad (who is not an intactivist but has been known to talk to others about the unneccesity of circumcision) and has not one problem with his foreskin. Come to think of it, I guess my sky is looking a little sunnier already!!

TIA and Take care,
Pam

[A&A]

Originally Posted by teachinmaof3

His position was..since he IS circ'd he's just never thought of not doing it. He was open to the info I had but it was all new to him since he's just figured it's the "normal" thing to do. He also told me that if he was intact, he wouldn't give any thought to getting the baby circ'd b/c being intact would be "normal" to him.

That means that, ultimately, your in-laws get to make the decision for you. Is that really what you want? (Not just you, specifically, but people in general who make this argument.)

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by Shell_Ell

I just can't imagine doing this to him. I can't imagine anyone hurting my baby for no good or rational reason. I will not allow it to happen in front of me.

I think you already know what's going to happen - if your husband really thinks it's "normal" to mutilate a child, then show him one of the circumcision videos on the 'net. If he can watch that and still want it done to his child for cosmetic reasons, then he's got problems, period.