Neighbor kids and not trusting other parents

[Dandylion]

We live in a not too great neighborhood. Recently my daughters (5 and almost 8) made friends with two girls from across the street (3 and 5). So far when they play together they either play in our backyard, or they go with my dh to the park behind our house or ride bikes and scooters in the front driveway while he watches. I don't let them go out front or to the park by themselves, but they can go out in our backyard alone because I can hear them and check on them frequently. The neighbor kids parents, though (a mom and a grandma is who I've met, I don't know if there's a husband), do let their kids go out alone. I see their mom or grandma out sometimes, but it's not a constantly supervised thing like it is with us. One time the mom even came here asking if her 3 year old was here because she had gone off to the park by herself without asking. I have seen the five year old cross the street without looking until she's already halfway across.

So far my kids have not gone over to their house. Not to play in their front yard, not to play in their backyard, not to play inside. Sometimes when the mom or grandma come out to get the kids, they invite my kids to come over. My dh is usually the buffer in this situation and he says he feels uncomfortable always having to make excuses. But the bottom line is, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my kids over there, because I couldn't be sure that the level of supervision would be the same as it is here. They have a pool in the backyard and I just can't imagine my kids over there if they are just being left to their own devices. I don't know for certain that they would be, but based on the behavior of the mom and grandma that I have seen, I just don't think there would be enough supervision.

I don't really even have a question here. Just kind of venting, I think. What I really wish is that we lived somewhere else.

Here's my fantasy living situation. We would live in an intentional community or something like it, where all the houses were situated in such a way that there was a great big play area in the very center of them and all the kids could just go play in it whenever they wanted and the adults could either be out there with them or watching through the windows. That would be cool.

Anybody else have to deal with neighborhood friends who have parents you wouldn't really trust with your own kids? How do you deal with it?

[Diane~Alena]

I guess I live in your ideal of a community I have the town house community playground outside my door and all the nieghborhood kids play there. This however created more issues for me because we have rough war play and even a 12 year old boy that is over friendly and borders on being a sexual predator .

Before we moved here we had nieghbors that wanted our twin girls (age 3 at the time)over all the time. After months of excuses I finally said that I was one of those moms who just needed to see what my kids were doing at all times. They finaly gave up and I had their kids over all the times. I had never insulted their parenting so we remained good nieghbors. When my twins started school I got in the habit of going on their playdates saying that I never let my child go to any house that I didn't know. I actually started a trend and all the moms followed which made me feel better .

Good luck I know this stuff is yucky.

[Quindin]

We are having to deal with a similar problem at the moment.
Our neighbors 1 house to the right have a 9yo and a 6yo who have been playing with our 7yo DD and 5 1/2 yo DS a lot for the past weeks.
They have been playin on our backyard for the last 2 months and sometimes play on theirs if I am sitting outside and can see/hear them.
I find the parents very together and I think they are decent people. HOWEVER, they don't supervise their kids as much as I supervise mine, and I don't like the idea of sending my kids there - specially DD - to play.
The 9yo has been following DD everywhere and last week DD caught the 9yo boy asking DD to play sleepover with him upstairs It may be innocent play, but I prefer to err on the side of caution and have since not allowed them to play anywhere but in OUT backyard, and only if I am around.
I have also noticed that DS has been behaving very badly since he began playing with this boys (lies, is rude and is very aggressive) so I am thinking I am going to cancel all play altogether. But how can I do this?? How to keep these kids to play with mine when the backyards are basically conjoined??

[lilyka]

I let my 5 and 8 year old play alone all the time. and we live in a shady neighbohood. (talking about the people not the trees). Poor kids if they had to wait until I had time to supervise them outside they would never get outside. but they are never under any circumstances allowed to go over to other peoples houses (or leave the yard without permission). and they are only allowed to have people over if they ask. I do supervise more closely when other kids are brought into tthe picture. I can trust my hcildren to make good descsions but once other kids are introduced into the equatiion they sometimes make less than stellar descisions. not to mention what they pick up from other kids. but then again I scarecly let my children go to other peoples houses for play dates even if I have known thier parents for years brcause I worry that the chilren interactions won't be well enough supervised.

[turkeygw]

I totally agree with you. I knew a lady(from our old neighborhood-we've since moved), and she invited my two daughters to play w/her daughter(who is the same age as my youngest daughter). I decide to go over, and when we came in, she told me she was babysitting a 5 month old. But the 5 month old was upstairs, alone(which can be okay for a short period if the baby is in a safe crib, using baby monitors). But what I was concerned about was not that the 5 month old was in the crib, but that she didn't have any gates up at all. Her daughter at the time was 2, and I noticed that she would let her daughter go upstairs and play by herself with no adult supervision. She told me I could let my daughters go play upstairs as well, so we could have more adult conversation, but I told her no. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if something happened to my daughters. She did say I was a bit overprotective, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I eventually stopped hanging around her, because one day I came over for a planned playdate, but it took her 15 minutes to answer the door. It seemed as though she was asleep(even though I heard her daughter) because all of the lights in the house were off, and everything was turned off(mind you, it was 1 in the afternoon).

[nonconformnmom]

I feel your pain. I can also add that, as bad as it can be at this stage sometimes, it can be even worse when they are teenagers. I've had my teenage daughter's friends' parents encourage my daughter to spend the night with their son in his bedroom; and I've had parents actually serve alcohol to my daughter at their home during holiday parties with many other underage teens present. It's bad enough that so many of them look the other way and allow alcohol to be available, but to actually SERVE it to underage kids ...

[GranoLLLy-girl]

We live in a very upscale neighborhood, and I still don't trust the judgment of the parents around me. Not that I am better, but our values are very very different than those around us.
I don't think I've EVER seen the mom of the little girl next door actually WITH the daughter. She's either with her 7-year-old brother or a babysitter (and she's in daycare six days a week, but I am talking about when she is home). And she is three. The mother never goes outside, and the child is often in the street. And she has been outside alone many times.
I don't like to think of my three-year-old left alone outside. Some people may disagree with this, but my child wouldn't know what to do if a stranger approached her, or how to get out of the way of a car, etc.

So really OP, it may not be just because your neighborhood is not upscale, because that matter very little here.

[meowee]

similar situation-- not the best neighborhood, neighbors do not supervise their kids. A couple summers ago a kid was hit by a car playing in the street. You'd think that would stop the parents from letting the kids play in the street? Nope. They were back playing in the street one month later.

I don't care if we look like weirdos or snobs. I will NOT let my kids play in the street or even on the sidewalk. I say, "Just say NO."

[snuggly mama]

Our neighbors are not the kind of parents I want my kids around -- very, very lax supervision and lots of yelling, etc. I don't let my kids play in their house, but I will let them play in the neighbor's backyard because I can see it from my own house. I do encourage the kids to play here more often, though, because I'm uncomfortable having them over there. Hopefully, when we have our yard put in, the kids will want to play here more often.

[RubySweet]

I usually go outside when mine are out. I don't mind if they go to play in the neighbor's front yard where I can see them but I don't let them go in the back or inside the house. I would only allow that if I knew the family very well.