For parents of only having one gender

[wtg4grl]

Hello, I am somewhat new here. Hope I can join in. Well, this issue has been bothering me for a long time now. I have only 2 sons, ages 12 and 9. No daughter. Is anyone in the same boat as me? I have been very depressed that I may never experience raising a daughter. My dh was thinking of having a third child. If he decides to have another child it would be at least 2 more years. (YUCK,thats another story in it self).

I get very jealous when I see someone who has a daughter, esp when they have one of each. I might sound bitter and all that but it really hurts deep. I love my 2 sons but I am really mourning the lost of a daughter.

Is anyone here in the same situation? If you are, how do you deal with the emotions? This includes having only girls and no son. I guess this causes the same pain of not having both genders. I am sorry if this offends anyone or cause any undue harm. I didn't mean to if I did. Its just my personal problem.

Bon

[Ruthla]

I think it's a normal feeling- I remember when I was a single mom of 2 little girls, I wondered what it would be like to have a son. At that time, I still had hope that I'd have more children (and as you can see from my sig line, I did )

I imagine that parents of special needs children mourn the loss of the "normal child" they may never have- it's totally understandable to mourn the loss of the daughter (or son) you may never have.

[2much2luv]

I have 3 daughters and often feel the "loss" of not being able to raise a son. I hope its normal! :

[nonconformnmom]

Me too!

[JamesMama]

I think it's appropriate to mourn the experiences you'll never have, kind of like if you have a relative pass away you mourn them not being there to experience different things after thier passing. I always think of one family I knew growing up that tried and tried and tried to have a son, ended up with 6 or 7 girls. And my great-grandma has 10 boys. I'm sure she'd have loved to have had a daughter and I know that family wanted a son.

[Zaxmama]

I have one DS and I often wonder what it would be like to have a girl. but I know deep in my heart that I am destined to be mommy to my one only.

[mags]

Bon-

I understand your grief for not ever having a girl. I have a 17 mo old boy, and will be having another baby boy in less than 2 months. DH and I had already agreed that despite the sex of the second baby, it would be our last (he plans to have a vasectomy a few months after our last baby is born). Soooo, it looks like no DD for us. I have mixed emotions about this. At first I was a little upset, b/c I never had a great mother-daughter relationship with my mom, never had a sister (had two younger brothers, plus being the oldest AND being a girl sucked, my parents wouldn't let me do anything), I have a miserable relationship with my mil, b/c she is weirdo, and always hung out more with a group of girlfriends, instead of having one best girlfriend. So, all my life, I had looked forward to the opportunity to raise a daughter, hoping to have a close girl-girl, doing girly type things, like shopping, chit chatting, doing crafts, etc. type relationship. Maybe my reasons are selfish, I mean you never know, if I had a DD maybe we'd be like oil and water and not get along at well, and I am sure I would end up being disappointed and sad about the situation, since I have such high expectations. However, I guess I have more of a tendancy to feel like I am, "missing out" more than anything.

There are also many days though that I rationalize how nice it would be to have my 2 boys and not have to worry about a girl too. I know that teenager girls can be quite dramatic and trying, and omg if I had a teenage girl who wanted to wear trampy clothes and ran with the wrong crowd, I know I would freak out... I guess I would worry more about a girl than a boy. I also KNOW if I had a girl, we'd be spending a lot more $ on her clothes, etc.. I remind myself, that with two boys, esp so close in age, they will be great playmates, hopefully best friends, clothes can be re-used, they will have similar interests in toys/activities/friends, etc. and in general I've been told that boys tend to be easier to raise compared to girls. Of course, I also think that my house is going to turn into a hellhole with two boys that are rough and tumble and I sometimes get jealous that they will have this wonderful father-son relationship (my DH is a WONDERFUL father, and he is the, "fun" one, I have no doubt my boys will prefer him over me, it is even obvious now with my toddler), and I'll just be the person they go to for food, laundry, $, etc..

My mil had two boys and she has HORRIBLE relationships with other women (in fact, she told my sil and I how HAPPY she was she did not have a girl, b/c she thinks they are a pain... nice huh?), and I can't help but feel like I could end up down a similar path as her. Being the overbearing mama's boy mil, and always stepping on my dil's toes, thinking my boys are the most perfect angels and blaming everything on the dils, etc.. She is the mil from hell and it really bothers me for some dumb reason that we have this similiarity (both having 2 boys... esp after she told my sil how, "PUUUURFECT" it was to have two boys and we must both have two boys just like her... sil has a boy and girl and mil treats the girl like a 2nd class citizen), b/c I don't want to have any similarities to her at all, I despise my mil. Anyway, I am so hung up on this, I don't know why... guess I am scared of being my mil. I just HOPE that I DO end up with wonderful dil's and since I won't be having my own DD's, I can have as close of a DD type relationship with my FDILs when the time comes. I guess if anything I am more worried about having a bad relationship with my FDILs than anything, which scares me, b/c I really long for a nice mother-daughter relationship, and I feel like it will be kind of my, "last chance" to fulfill that kind of relationship, and if I don't get along with my FDILs, then basically it is a dream lost.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know, you are not the only one who struggles with these types of feelings. Everyday, my feelings change. Sometimes, I'm happy at the thought of having 2 boys. Sometimes, I get really sad, feeling like I'm missing out by not having a daughter and honestly, I am more the type who would have been perfectly happy having all girls and no boys... never imagined myself in this situation though (all boys, no girls). I hope that when my brothers have kids, they have at least one girl, so maybe I can have a nice aunt-neice relationship and I will be the, "fun" aunt to hang out with.

Also, I do get jealous feelings too, like you do. My sil always talked about how much closer she is to her DD than her DS (she wasn't trying to make me feel bad, she's told me about this before I even had my first son), she never thought it was possible. I have also run into many other women who keep undermining me even more after finding out this second baby is a boy, by giving me that, "sad" look, and saying, "well, *maybe* NEXT time it will be a girl." When I tell them there won't be a next time, this will be our last baby, they just kind of give me, "uh-huh, you just wait" type reaction. I don't want to ttc #3, JUST in order to get a girl, I know a lot of ppl who do this, end up with another boy and get REALLY upset about it and I don't want to be like that. I guess I feel that if we ttc, it should be neutral feelings, being happy if it ends up a boy OR girl. Plus, pregnancy and I do not mix well together, I have horrible pregnancies (m/s and vomiting throughout the ENTIRE pregnancy and this time I've had such bad back pain, I've been hobbling around and now going to physical therapy), which is another reason why DH and I decided to stop at two. I guess some ppl would say I'm being selfish about the whole pregnancy thing, but the more I think about it, the more I think that 3 kids would be too much for us, and we'd just be happier with 2, so I don't want to do the whole ttc #3 JUST to get a girl, and then not get a girl and end up feeling resentful.

[USAmma]

Bon, I'm sorry you are feeling that way. You know, kids are just kids. I used to think kids aligned more to gender stereotypes but now I see that each is just a unique person with their own quirks and gifts. You were not robbed of anything that way. Your boys have those unique traits just as my girls do.

I have two girls and we are done having kids unless we adopt way in the future. Some days I wonder what a son would have been like. We picked out a name for him when I was pg with Abi and I sometimes visualized him in my mind. But I got two girls instead. Each is so different from the other in looks and personality. They both share my dh's complexion but their body shapes and faces are so different. One is a challenging little spunky firecracker, the other is happy and easygoing and quietly stubborn. Each child is a different experience regardless of the gender. For all you know you might have given birth to a tomboy who refused to wear dresses and wanted her hair short and played with trucks instead of barbies, and thus "robbed" you of raising the stereotypical daughter, KWIM?

[PatchyMama]

s


I only have girls but I have absolutely no desire for boys... I just dont know what I woudl do with them :LOL And honestly dd1 is pretty much a tomboy... tree climbing, mud playing, truck driving type of girl I cant imagine having a spirited boy with her personality... I would be in a heck of a lot of trouble, LOL ... and knowing my luck that is EXACTLY what would happen

[Treasuremapper]

I have two girls, but somehow, that's what I always wanted to have and I feel incredibly blessed. I love little boys, especially my adorable nephew, but I feel like I always knew in some cosmic intuitive way that I would have a family of girls. But maybe that is hindsight.

I think my dh mourns the fact that he won't have a son.

[meowee]

a little bit: I have four daughters a 1 son. I wish so much it were more balanced. So much it seems like I have all girls. I worry about the teen mother/ daughter conflicts that might arise. I worry about the future boyfriends traomping through the house. Often I feel like I don't know how to relate to a daughter. I worry my one DS is getting swallowed up in an all female household.

I guess we must appreciate what we have without being picky!

[wtg4grl]

Thanks for "all" of your responses. I have a better insight now after reading your responses. It has helped me alot in dealing with my emotions. You are all great and thanks for not being mean or nasty about it.

Mags- I also feel like you. I have no sister and all the girl relationships in my life are weak or none-existent in my life. Thats why I would love to have a daughter.

Usamma- I like how you mention that each child is unique and different in their own way. This gave me alot to think about. No matter if its a boy or girl they have their own personality.

Ruth- you put a different perspective about special needs children. This also got me thinking that there is other things to worry about besides boy/girl thing.

I guess one of the things I miss is the barbie dolls and houses. I am kind of sick of the rough-housing. The two boys just wrestle and get really active in the house. Sometimes I wonder how my house is still standing up straight. All I see is trucks, cars, army stuff, weapons all over the house. Sometimes I feel like running outside and scream (or runaway.)

Bon

[annakiss]

Moved to Parenting Issues...

[USAmma]

Originally Posted by wtg4grl

I guess one of the things I miss is the barbie dolls and houses. I am kind of sick of the rough-housing. The two boys just wrestle and get really active in the house. Sometimes I wonder how my house is still standing up straight. All I see is trucks, cars, army stuff, weapons all over the house. Sometimes I feel like running outside and scream (or runaway.)

Bon, if it makes you feel any better at all, my dd has NO interest in Barbie after a brief 1 week obsession. Barbie is now dusty in her box. She has no interest in playing with dolls, and her favorite tshirt is one that has the organs of the body on the front and says, "I'm a Happy Healthy Monster" on the back. :LOL She wants her hair long only because she is scared of haircuts (and after all the screaming she did daily when it was long and I was trying to brush/wash it we compromised on shoulder length). Barettes are only tolerated if she wants to keep the hair out of her eyes. She loves the solar system, the human body, and horses. When her friends come over and want to play house she'd rather play farmer instead.

So there you go. Each child is so different. You really don't know how they will turn out.

[annakiss]

I was just telling a friend today how I was jealous because she is expecting a girl and I have two boys. I love my boys, but I wanted a girl from the get-go. I have two half-sisters, one step-sister and a step-brother. I feel like I really come from a family of three girls though (me & my half-sisters) since that is the family I feel more apart of (my steps are on the other side). I always thought I would have all girls like my mom. I felt like I knew what to do with girls. Boys haven't really thrown me for too much of a loop at all, but I still really miss the idea of a mother-daughter relationship. I would like to one day be close to someone with the potential of birthing my grandchildren and I doubt that relationship would be the same with a daughter-in-law. Not that we have any say in what happens down the line anyway.

I also have one special needs son and I so mourned the loss of the perfect child for such a long time. I still mourn that, but now it's more for my son than for me. In the early days of his life, and probably even still, I would feel especially jealous of mothers with normal daughters.

DH & I were also supposed to be done at 2, but I refused to make that decision permanent. I don't know if we'll have a third, but part of me still would like to one day try for a daughter.

[The Lucky One]

Ditto to what Annakiss said.

[MamaBug]

I have two boys and asthetically yes I would love to have a dd. I LOVE everything girl: Barbies, boas, tea sets, dollhouses, pink, fairies, you name it I love it! :LOL So having a girl would fulfill all those fantasies and allow me to have and do all the things I didn't get to do growing up. However I KNEW if I did have a girl she would be the ultimate tomboy and then my girly dreams would end anyway. Ppl often say to me, oh you must really want a girl. And I say, actually no I wouldn't, I really love being the mother of boys. While my relationship with them is not what it would be if they were girls, I think having boys is glorious. They have introduced me to things that if I had had girls I might never know about. I do things I never would have dreamed of, like hunting for frogs, and making volcanoes, and building with tinkertoys ( which I HATE btw!), and all manner of other things ( and yes I realize that girls do these things too).

I also don't have the greatest relationship with my mother, and have only brothers, so I would love to have seen how a mother/daughter relationship could be, kwim? However when I was pg with my first I really wanted a son, then when pg with #2 I also wanted a son so the first would have a brother. While I don't like to roughhouse either, there really is nothing for me like the love of my boy. There is a special place in a boys heart for his mommy, and I don't know that it would be the same with a dd for me.

I do understand how you feel though. It's the wondering what if or how could it be, right? And who knows you may get your girl yet

[flapjack]

I'm right there with you. We are about 98% certain that this babe, the first from my second marriage, is a little boy. I want to be a mummy to a girl very badly. We have certain family traditions that can't go to a boy in the same way- for instance, I own the diaries and notebooks of 13 generations of lay midwives. Giving them to one of my boys doesn't feel right, handing on a tradition of woman-woman interactions just because they're related.
We started this pregnancy agreeing that this would be my last baby. Now, we're talking about postponing the vasectomy for 5 years or so, and thinking again later- so I might have my girl after all. That said, it's been hard coming to terms with my 3 boys- I'm happy with them, and I love them to pieces, grazed knees, snotty noses, attitude, sticks and all. Every day, I end up walking home from school with great handfuls of dandelions and daisies that have been picked for me by my two little men, and whilst they drive me mad, I'd not swop them.

[BensMom]

Helen, what a cool legacy! Those diaries must be a wonderful read.

I come from the perspective of having a boy and a special needs boy. I was an only child and it was just me and my mom for many years, til I lost her to drug abuse. So I always longed for that little girl who I could attempt to have that mother-daughter relationship that I lost out on. My mother was not there for high school, my wedding, the birth of my child, etc.

But my son is a mamas boy, through and through. So I suppose that counts for something. And he is not too much of a boys-boy. He is pretty gender neutral, not into sports or action figures, etc. He prefers intellectual games and activities, much to his sports lovng Daddy's dismay.

I am not finding out the gender of this baby inside because I do not want to deal with the emotions during pregnancy if it was another boy. Once the baby is here, I will love him or her to pieces. But with my hormones already all over the place, i do not need to be "mourning" the loss of my daughter at this time. And of course, with DS being special needs, it sort of overshadows the gender thing as well. I dont care if I give birth to a monkey, as long as it doesnt also have autism. :LOL

[maya44]

Originally Posted by inezyv

I have two girls, but somehow, that's what I always wanted to have and I feel incredibly blessed. I love little boys, especially my adorable nephew, but I feel like I always knew in some cosmic intuitive way that I would have a family of girls. But maybe that is hindsight.

Um, I have three dd's and feel the same way. I always wanted girls and feel lucky that I got them.

I just can't imagnine having a boy. I know though that if I'd only had boys I would love them, but I would morn not having a girl!