For parents of only having one gender - Page 2

[Willowrose]

I have 2 boys and while we want a large family, I don't really mind if we have 6 boys! The thing that bothers the heck out of me, being pregnant with my 3rd, is all the negative comments I get from friends and strangers. They seem to think it is *necessary* that this one is a girl. I honestly do not care either way. Neither does DH. I see how wonderfully my boys play together and the idea of a 3rd little guy running around with them is so appealing. When everyone tells me I *need* a girl, I ask why. Their reply is always something about being able to dress her up, or experience the emotional needs of a daughter.
Personally, I have a blast dressing up my boys! Both of them are sensitive little souls with big hearts. I really don't think I'm missing anything!

[faythe]

Originally Posted by Willowrose

...The thing that bothers the heck out of me, being pregnant with my 3rd, is all the negative comments I get from friends and strangers. They seem to think it is *necessary* that this one is a girl...

Turn it around, and it's even worse. I've had people act offended when I tell them that we aren't going to keep trying for a boy. They ask me "don't you care about your husband's name?" I was chatting with an older woman at the doctor's office and she was very disappointed when I said I didn't have plans for anymore, because her son was her 6th. As if I just had to stick it out a little bit longer. Ugh.

Back to the original question, I wouldn't mind having my kids all the same gender if they were all boys. I never wanted girls. Especially the frou-frou girly girls I have ended up with. I try not to dwell on how I feel about it, because I do love my girls, but thinking about the the boys I didn't have is upsetting.

[oceanbaby]

I have two boys and asthetically yes I would love to have a dd. I LOVE everything girl: Barbies, boas, tea sets, dollhouses, pink, fairies, you name it I love it!

This struck me when I read it, because I have 2 boys, and everything on that list can be found in our playroom! My oldest is a very active, train and baseball obsessed little boy, but he LOVES having tea parties, he has a barbie he picked out a thrift store, etc.

What's funny is that my SIL has a dd, and has really tried to do the girly girl thing with her. But her dd is obviously much more attracted to the "boy" toys that ds1 plays with, and always has been. It's just now, at almost 3yo, that SIL finally broke down and bought her a train set. It's her favorite toy!

But to answer the original question, I can't say I mourn the loss of not having a daughter. I don't know for sure if we are done, but when I get sad about not having a third, it's sadness for never having another baby, not for having a girl. I've always been a little scared of having a girl, as I have always been a girl who got along fabulously with boys. I'm not really a tomboy - I love clothes and makeup and shopping and all that kind of stuff - but I just love men. I love their spirit, their sense of humor, their physicality, all of it.

There is one reason why I would have liked to have a girl, and that is because dh would be the world's best father to a girl. I mean, he is the world's greatest father to our boys, but so many girls have hard relationships with their father, that it would have been amazing to give a girl such a wonderful father/daughter relationship. I think of all those girls who don't get enough love or attention or understanding from their father, and seek it out from men in the form of dysfunctional relationships when they are older, and I almost feel like I NEED to have a girl just to take advantage of dh's highly developed "feminine" side. Dh is a manly man who loves sports and roughousing and all that, but he really relates well to women, and really enjoys participing in girly things. He's also very emotionally mature when it comes to female relationship. I don't if I'm describing this right, but I'm typing quickly before ds2 wakes up!

Anyway, I think it's normal to mourn the loss of whatever it is that you will never have. My mom always wanted a boy. She undoubtedly loves me and my sister, but I know she is sad that she never had a boy. But now she is really close to my older son, and that is thrilling for her.

[KermitMissesJim]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

Anyway, I think it's normal to mourn the loss of whatever it is that you will never have. My mom always wanted a boy. She undoubtedly loves me and my sister, but I know she is sad that she never had a boy. But now she is really close to my older son, and that is thrilling for her.

I have one of each (and the boy is all rough-n-tumble, and the girl my frou-frou nightmare) but I couldn't let this quote pass. I am from a family of all girls, and once asked my dad if he'd wanted a boy. He said, "Nah, they eat too much pizza." I took it at face value and didn't realize for years that he would never hurt our feelings by admitting he'd have liked a son (we were all called John Jr. in the womb, that should have tipped me off; not to mention, his 3 athletic daughters packed away plenty of pizza during our sports seasons).

Now he has the science-and-engineering-brained, train-WORSHIPPING, baseball-loving, rough grandson of his dreams. Sometimes your wishes are fulfilled in your GRANDchildren.

[Suzetta]

Dear Bon

I just wanted to write you a quick post to let you know that your post really touched me. I sincerely hope that you will have the opportunity to have a daughter, so that you can share with her the bond which you are looking for. I have noticed that it is often lonely for the parent who is the odd gender in the family. I have an aunt who had 3 boys, and I know she feels the same as you. I have another aunt who has 7 girls! It is so strange how things work out.

I do want to add, that I have a friend who bought a book that tells you how to determine the sex of your baby as you are trying to conceive. It worked for her. Apparently girl sperm swim slower, but live longer than male sperm. So if you want to increase your odds for having a girl, you need to have intercourse a few days before you ovulate, so that the girls are there and waiting for the egg. It involves a lot of charting, but might be worth a shot.

[meowee]

Originally Posted by faythe

Turn it around, and it's even worse. I've had people act offended when I tell them that we aren't going to keep trying for a boy. They ask me "don't you care about your husband's name?" I was chatting with an older woman at the doctor's office and she was very disappointed when I said I didn't have plans for anymore, because her son was her 6th. As if I just had to stick it out a little bit longer. Ugh.

yup... I can't tell you how many people act like or even come out and say that we are cursed for having 4 girls. Or they will say they feel sorry for my 1 DS.

[BabyOsMommy]

Originally Posted by KermitMissesJim

Now he has the science-and-engineering-brained, train-WORSHIPPING, baseball-loving, rough grandson of his dreams. Sometimes your wishes are fulfilled in your GRANDchildren.

This is true for my Dad. He had 2 girls and for a lot of reasons they stopped with us. I know that he wanted a son while we were growing up, but was thrilled to have a couple of "Daddy's girls" also. Now I have 2 boys, and he is absolutely wonderful with them. Our childhood was complicated, and now that he has grandchildren he can just love them and not worry, so the bond between him and my oldest is magical. I was so excited when I found out my first was a boy for my Dad, because I knew my husband would be happy either way.

Anyways, my husband is more mourning the loss of a daughter than I am. I am afraid to raise a girl for a myriad of reasons. We're still in the deciding phase of whether to have a third or not, but I'm resisting because I know that my husband wants a girl, and if we had another boy, I don't want that baby to be raised with disappointment. I want another baby because I want another baby, not a girl specifically. My dh would happily do fertility treatments like "sperm spinning" to get a girl. I just don't want to do that.

[TinkerBelle]

I have 3 boys and got a tubal, so no more chance for a girl. But, you know what? I could not care less. I was not supposed to be able to have kids, due to medical problems, but was blessed with 3 boys. I am grateful, because there are people who would give their right arm for what we have.

It is normal to wonder "what if". I do that sometimes. I wonder what having a girl would have been like. However, it is not normal to act like the world is coming to an end because you didn't get that boy or that girl. I knew of a person who, when she delivered, did not get what she wanted. She was visibly upset and disappointed. I find that to be totally immature and ungrateful. I told her so, too. Shameful.

So, do not worry. You are normal.

[grahamsmom98]

Gee, I have a child. We lost two babies before having this child. I cannot imagine "mourning" not having a child of a certain sex, when you already have ANY children.

Our child is a boy. Had he been a girl, we would have been just as thrilled. He was and is healthy, which is what ALL parents should hope and wish for. The gender doesn't matter.

As the previous poster said: "...it is not normal to act like the world is coming to an end because you didn't get that boy or that girl. I knew of a person who, when she delivered, did not get what she wanted. She was visibly upset and disappointed. I find that to be totally immature and ungrateful. I told her so, too. Shameful."

Good for you!

I feel for the child(ren) that share their world with those that are "mourning" for that non-existent child of the desired opposite sex. It lessens their worth ("I love them, but I still want a ---"). And, children are not stupid. They know when their parents and loved ones want something/someone they do not have. It's hard enough for children to try and live up to what their parents wish of them, nevermind not being able to change their sex.

If you want a boy or a girl so badly, seek adoption of only that sex. Make the world a better place for a child in need (though, are they wanted just because of their sex, rather than because of their REAL worth, that of a loved being?). Why keep trying to have that boy or girl naturally, only to have disappointment or resentment when you birth the opposite of your desire? I just don't get it.

[zinemama]

I have written about this before, but I'll mention it again. I always wanted a daughter, couldn't imagine myself with sons. Naturally, I had a boy. When I was pregnant the second time, I hoped and dreamed about a daughter, and it got to the point where I started to feel guilty about these fantasies, and afraid that, god forbid, I might feel disappointed at the birth if the baby turned out to be another boy.

I told my midwife how I was feeling, and this is what she said: "This is your last baby, it's your only chance to have a girl, and if you don't have one, it's completely natural to feel disappointed about it. But you know what? If this baby's a boy, your regret about not having a daughter isn't going to have anything to do with him. She'll always be a dream, but he'll be the reality. And the reality is what you'll love."

I had another boy, and she was right. Sure, I still feel wistful at the sight of a mother and daughter, but I doubt that anyone who feels the way I do feels like not having a girl is the end of the world. I think about it now and then - a lot in terms of when my boys have their own kids. I hope to be the coolest mil ever, but I'm pretty sure that if my dil wants anyone besides her dh their when her kids are born, it's going to be her own mom, not me. Which is as it should be. But having my mom there when my boys was born was important to me, and I do "mourn" that I won't have times like that.

I can see how "mourn" strikes people like grahamsmom98 the wrong way, and I understand that. But to feel wistful over not having one gender or the other just seems normal to me.

[KermitMissesJim]

"Wistful" is ok in my book. But I have the example of my SIL, who, after 3 boys, sacrificed her physical health, her financial health, and her marriage to get her girl. She got it all back, but is raising that girl as a spoiled princess...it was an obsession with her, getting her girl.

[wtg4grl]

I really didn't want all of this to be a debate if its wrong or right to be mournful of not getting what you want.

Like one poster mentioned that I will never have the special bond of mother-daughter relationship like I have with my mother. From my experience and observation boys usually tend to be with gf or wife's family. Holidays they tend to be with the girls side. I can go on and on about this.

Otoh, thanks for being supportive and giving great advice.

Bon

[mirthfulmum]

So many of these posts really hit the nail on the head for me. I am also mommy to 2 boys. I love my children. They are the most amazing and wonderful people. I am a better person for knowing and raising them.

But yeah, I do get 'wistful' at the thought of not having a daughter. I'll be watching a movie or hear a story that involves a mother/daughter relationship and there's a part of me that aches that I'll never have that. Some people say that I can build the bond with my DIL's but I don't know who these people will be. And they will most likely already have a mother and not be looking for another one.

We've talked about trying for a daughter, but as others have posted, it's a silly thing to do as there is no gurantee that we'd have a girl.
So we talk about adoption, but I'm not sure you can just ask to adopt a girl. I was under the impression that you adopt the child that is available. But then again, I know nothing of the subject.

I love my boys with all my heart. I would not change a thing about them. I am so incredibly lucky to snuggle inbetween them every night and kiss their sweet cheeks in the morning. And I am happy.

Just sometimes I wonder about the daughter I never had.

[EFmom]

I've got two girls, which is exactly what I would prefer. I have no sadness over not having boys.

My sister had always wanted a girl. She had two boys and went on to have a third because she was sure it would be a girl. It was a boy. She's come to terms with having all boys, but she regrets having three children.

mirthfulmum, the vast majority of people who adopt request girls if they are allowed to make a request. Nobody really knows why that is, but it seems to be true in most places in the world.

[Mary-Beth]

I have two girls and that's what I really wanted. And, now I want another baby and there is a part of me that would like a boy but it's not a big issue or "need" for me.

Anyway, just as an aside...I am much, much closer to my MIL than my own mother. She never had a daughter and I never really had a deep bond with my mom because of my mom's emotional/mental issues. Our kids are very close to her...becasue she's been a good mom to her sons and a loving attentive grandma.

[mahogny]

DS, (3.5 yrs) DD (4.5 mos) and I were at the grocery store today, and an elderly woman came over to admire my kids. (Baby in the Kozy.) She went on to tell me that she had 1 boy, a miscarriage, and then another boy, and always wanted a girl. She had hoped her boys would give her granddaughters, but neither of them (in their 40's) have kids.

I totally understand where the pp is coming from, about being grateful for the kid(s) you have whatever the gender, as DH and I have fertility issues and required an RE's assistance to conceive both of our babies. And I am unbelieveable grateful and blessed and honored to be the Mommy of my precious babies, and we are so lucky that we have them at all! But I know had baby #2 been a boy, I also would have wondered about what never was. I think it's normal, and as the elderly woman in the store told me, it still affects her.

[Bethanydear]

I understand. We have 4 boys, and would like to have another child. I would love a little girl. I feel like I wouldn't be sad to have another boy, as I'm crazy about all my boys, I'd just be sad there would be a real possibility I'll never have a girl.

We will try Shettles next time.

[cinnamonamon]

OP - thanks for posting this... it's been on my mind a lot! I wanted to have a boy first as my dh was so unfamiliar with children & I knew he would be more comfortable, then I wanted a 2nd boy as I wanted ds1 to have a brother close in age. I thought I'd wait a few years then have one or two more, but now I'm not sure I can handle any more. So I'm wrestling with the idea of never having a girl, & it does sadden me. DH doesn't understand, he's just a step away from being a child himself when it comes to his free time (me! me! me!), so he's thrilled at the thought of being done, even as he loves our two boys. Not to mention that I think the thought of having a girl scares him to death!

...no solutions, but it feels better to read others in the same place -- it isn't even really the tea parties & teddy bears -- I'd love a "girlie" girl or a tom-boy; it's more the prom night, wedding day, & baby bearings that I'm sad about. That said, I have an excellent relationship with my MIL (mother of 2 boys), and when we decided to move back to Michigan, we chose/are choosing a place nearer to her than to my own mother.

[onlyboys]

I have three sons. And, I am pregnant with a surprise baby now.

I have wanted a girl with every pregnancy, and with every birth, I've been thrilled to welcome my next son into our lives.

BUT...

I really want a girl. I do. I admit it freely. I think that I would grieve, if I knew in advance that this child that I am carrying is another boy. (It is for this reason that I don't find out sex in advance.) I know that I wouldn't care in the slightest after the birth.

If I end up with only boys, it's okay with me. I'll figure out my place there. It's just not where I imagined myself.

[mirthfulmum]

Originally Posted by Mary-Beth

Anyway, just as an aside...I am much, much closer to my MIL than my own mother. She never had a daughter and I never really had a deep bond with my mom because of my mom's emotional/mental issues. Our kids are very close to her...becasue she's been a good mom to her sons and a loving attentive grandma.

Reading that really helps alleviate my pining for a girl. Most of my desire for a daughter stems from my fear that my boys will marry and then well become the secondary family. You know, they'll spend most holidays with HER family. HER family will get more time with the grandkids, etc. And we'll hardly see our boys and their families.

Good to know that there are women out there who have good relationships with their MILs.