Going from 1 child to 2? Thoughts?

[scoobers]

Hi Everyone,
My husband and I currently have one ds who is 2 years, 3 mos. After a very difficult birth, high-needs/spirited baby/child, colic, PPD we had decided to stop at one. Things have calmed down and we are now discussing whether we are really done or if we want to have one more.
I feel really torn. I have to admit when I see a newborn I get that "oooooh" feeling and I kind of miss that, difficult though it was. I still have a lot of doubts about having a second child though. One of my biggest concerns is how it will affect my relationship with my son. He and I are very close. He is very much a Mama's boy. I don't know how I could love another child as much as I love him. It's funny, I always imagined I'd have a girl, I have a great relationship w/my mom and I was sad in a way when I found out he was a boy. Now I can't imagine having a girl although sometimes I think it would be nice. I've had friends with multiple kids assure me I would love a second as much as him but I worry how it would affect him. Would he feel betrayed? Would he pull away from me? Those of you who have more than one, did anyone feel this way? How did a second child affect your relationship with your first?

[Kirsten]

Hi Scoobers,

There have been some great threads on this topic. I don't know how to link but if you do a search on "second child" you should find some.

I have three kids. Second one had raging colic for four months, and I had PPD (I really think these are linked!) Dd1 and dd3 were fine - and so was I.

Everyone worries that they can't love another child as much as they love their first. Everyone. No one ever has an issue with it after the second baby is born. It just so isn't a problem - I laugh that I ever spent a second of my life worrying about it.

I fall squarely in the "a sibling is a gift" camp - so I think that any adjustment that your son does when another baby comes into the family is a tiny price to pay for having a sibling. Your love grows - your relationship with your ds1 isn't borrowed against when you have another child.

I don't think that my firstborn pulled away from me when her sisters were born - we still have our very special relationship. I do think that she was able to have a fuller relationship with her father, her grandparents, her aunt and uncle. Things that previously I pretty much did - were sometimes done by/with other loving adults in her life. I didn't find that upsetting - it was good for her to feel safe with people other than me.

My dd1 was 4 years, 2 months old when her first sister was born. That spacing rocked. She WANTED a sibling by then and was asking constantly for one. She was old enough to want some independence, be in preschool, have a sleepover at auntie's house, answer the phone for me if I was nursing, have some patience if she wanted something to drink but I was changing a diaper.

I'd wait a year, then go ahead and have that second baby if that is what you and dh want. You likely will have an easier time of it next time around. I also mellowed a lot with my second and third kids - not so uptight about everything being done just so. If Daddy read her stories, THEN brushed her teeth - well, the world was not going to stop turning.

[artgirl]

I just had my second 4 months ago. My dd was 30 months when ds was born. I was worried about how my dd would react when the baby came and well... I have to admit it was a little rough there for about 2 weeks. Luckily my dh and my mom were around to help ease the transition. Dd stomped around the house saying "just leave me alone" for about 2 days but then she got into the groove and although we have our moments, everything is fine now. By moments I mean there are times when dd wants me to play with her but the baby needs to be fed. I just try to judge who needs me the most at any given moment. Luckily my ds is an EASY baby. Very content.
There have already been several times now when dd has said "mom, I love my baby brother" and it makes me sooooo happy. We co-sleep and dd likes to crawl over me in the morning to give ds lots of hugs and kisses when he wakes up. I think my constant talking and explaining have helped the situation. Like "dd, I can't pick you up right now even though I'd like to because I have to carry ds. He's too little to walk so I HAVE to carry him. You're big and can walk by yourself." I try and remember to tell her that I still wish I was able always be there for her. Once when reading a book we started talking about how an octopus has eight arms and how it would be nice if mommies had eight arms too. I told her that then I could carry her, and her brother, and make dinner and vaccuum, etc. all at the same time. But that I only had two arms so I couldn't do all of that. She really understood that. She even brought it up again on her own one day when I was trying to carry groceries, ds, open the door.
Anyway, my point is that for me, having two kids is great. It did take some adjusting but I feel that the experience has been more positive than negative and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I just love both my kids to pieces. I couldn't imagine loving them any more and I'm glad that they'll have each other to play with and experience things with. Love is the only thing in the world that is infinite. The more you give away the more you get back.

Kelly

ETA: Scoobers, I think my dd was upset but I wouldn't use the word *betrayed* when ds was born. I also think she pulled away TEMPORARILY. I think she wasn't sure where she stood and didn't know how to process all the feelings she was having. I also think she was old enough for us to work it out and talk a lot. I reassured her a LOT that I loved her just as much and told her I understood that it was hard to share a mama. I think our relationship has been rebuilt now to include the presence of her brother and it hasn't been a bad experience. Dd knows my heart is big enough for both of them. Hope that helps.

[mammafish78]

this subject almost brings tears to my eyes!

i worried all the time about how #2 would effect ds1 and i think it caused the problems i had durring pregnancy.

ds is 2 and the new babe is going to be 3 mo on the 8th. ds1 i very loving and protective of ds2. he even kicked the doc and yelled at him "thats my nash" durring a check up! i took them to my moms work so she could show off her grandsons and ds would not let anyone hold baby brother! he isnt that worried if people hold him other than me now, he just reminds them that it is his baby. there is no jealousy- yet. im sure when ds2 starts reaching for his toys it will be another story.

as for our relationship- WONDERFUL. he loves to sit with mommy and baby brother while we nurse. he kisses me while i nurse ds2. i think we have grown closer! ds is such a mommys boy and always will be.

i used to worry about not loving the baby as much as ds but that was a joke! there is so much more love for both of my boys it is unreal. i cant put one infront of the other.

i love my growing family! dont worry about having another one! if ds1 was a hard to handle babe then you already know how to do anything!

[bestla]

We have 2 boys, just yesterday I met my husband in town and he brought the big one home with him while I shopped with little one. Going into the store it was so much fun for me just having to keep up with 1, I was skipping and singing with him, to make a corney story short, we had big fun. On the way home, I got to thinking about how it would of been if we would of only had 1 child and I came to the decision that I am so glad we did have two, although the alone time was good, the 'group' time is good, just different.

Our boys are only 17.5 months apart, so I think that the older one did miss out on mommy time when the new baby arrived, but now that both are older and the little one is able to do more they have such great fun.

Having 2 does make the older one change in some aspects of his personality, but I do not think it's a bad change.

[eilonwy]

Our kids are only 19.5 months apart. They get along beautifully, and I think that having a sibling, if anything, makes our relationship with our first child stronger. We feel more like a family now, kwim?

[kerc]

my daughter will be ~35 months when her sibling is born. She was a high needs baby, is a very intense and active toddler. But I love this spacing because she's getting excited about having a sibling. She didn't ask for one, she's not that old. But she was verbal enough when I started showing that she could tell me there was a baby in there.

Now we're focusing on how special she is and how as she's growing she gets a new role -- she gets to be a big sister. She's pretty jazzed about that. I'm also telling her that when the baby comes she can do x.y. z tasks. So we're preparing for life to change, but are viewing it as our family is growing and opening up for more love. I did go through a mourning phase when i was first pregnant (surprise baby) and realized that I was frustrated over how erin has just now gotten to be a bit independent and then we'll start over. But I'm coming to terms with it. I have 3 sisters, dh has a brother. We both really can't imagine life as an only.

I have lots of thoughts on this. Sears in the fussy baby book describes how usually the sibling that follows a high need baby is spaced more like 3 or 4 years apart (vs. closer which is more common). I think that larger spacing allows for the kids to get what they need from parents and for parents to develop a strong relationship with each child.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by eilonwy

I think that having a sibling, if anything, makes our relationship with our first child stronger. We feel more like a family now, kwim?

A classmate's mom once told me that when you get married, you are a couple. When you have your first baby, you are a couple with a baby. When you have your second baby, you are a family. I really felt that when it happened to us too. Please no flames from moms of onlies - of course you are also a family!

I also liked giving my kids' kids the options of having aunts, uncles, cousins. My dh is an only with only ONE cousin on his dad's side. If I had also been an only, our kids would have no aunts, uncles or cousins. Now, nothing is guaranteed - my siblings haven't had kids yet. But I am hopeful!

But getting back to your OP - it sounds like your main concern is how another child in the family will affect your ds. You have gotten lots of good feedback on that. Everyone worries about this before their second child - it is almost universal I think. But it always works out. There is an adjustment but it is worth every second. I think that finding the spacing that will be easiest for your family is the key to making that adjustment easier - also, having support from your family and friends, and finding one-on-one time for you and ds as well as dh and ds - after baby is born.

[Suzetta]

Having a baby sister has really changed my dd. She was so demanding, spirited and spoiled (in a good way, of course). Being our first child, as well as the first grandchild, and conceived after years of infertility struggles, you can easily see that the child just had way too much attention focused on her.

She is so loving and attentive to her baby sister, and learning to share her parents affections with another person has really helped her grow emotionally as well.

The other day, the baby was crying while I was in another room. I was in the middle of something, and rushing to get to her when all of the sudden she stopped. It turns out my oldest dd had picked out a toy for her, and put it in her hand which was just what the baby needed. I was so touched.

Another day...we were at McDonalds, and I was getting ready to latch the baby, when dd grabbed the burp cloth and started teasing the baby with it. Within a few seconds, she had the baby laughing so hard. Everybody was watching, as the 2 yo and baby were in their own world, laughing hysterically.

When somebody gives her a kiss or something, but overlooks the baby, she reminds them by saying "Ne Ne too!" She doesn't let anyone ignore the baby! Loading the car takes two trips. If I do her first, she looks at the baby's seat and reminds me. "Ne Ne too!!"

It is moments like the ones mentioned above that make the more difficult moments easier to handle.

I say go for it!

[MsMoMpls]

All I can add to these beautiful testimonies about siblings is that as much as I believed in the enormous power of attachment, I didn't really get just how powerful sibling attachment is. It makes me realize why I love my siblings so. My two boys are almost never apart. I go to work, Daddy goes to work, sometimes we even go out together, but the boys are together all the time and wouldn't have it any other way. Joey has started mind reading Zach..."I think he is saying that he wants to play with me... I think he is saying he doesn't want toast for breakfast mommy." It is so cute.

The other thing, that my mother who had 6 kids taught me, you will always want one more- when you see a new baby, when you are really in love with your partner, when you are ready for a new project- you will think of having another baby. That is a powerfull instinct. But you kind have to learn to live with that hunger at some point. I think if I were 10 years younger, I would have a fourth. But I will just have to wait for grandbabies, I fear.

[Willowrose]

My older son is my spirited one. I held him 24/7 for the first 10 months of his life. Once he hit a year, he became much more independent, but still very high-needs. My boys are just over 2 years apart. I had NO problems with jealousy/betrayal issues. My older son and I are still just as close as ever. He loves his little brother and has from day one. They are each others shadows. When you see one, the other is close behind. I worried that I would have a hard time transitioning to 2. For me, it was so much easier. I was so nervous and tense with DS#1. I constantly worried that I would do something wrong. When DS#2 came along, I could actually relax. I had been a mom for 2 wonderful years and I had a bright, intelligent, sweet little boy to show for it.
DS#2 was the opposite of his brother. He was content whether he was held or laid down. He hardly every made a sound. He slept in the sling while I spent time with older son.
I am nervous again going through this pregnancy. Wondering what the transition will be like, how the baby will act, how the boys will be. But, I'm excited and thrilled to meet this new little one!

[oceanbaby]

One of my biggest concerns is how it will affect my relationship with my son. He and I are very close. He is very much a Mama's boy. I don't know how I could love another child as much as I love him. It's funny, I always imagined I'd have a girl, I have a great relationship w/my mom and I was sad in a way when I found out he was a boy. Now I can't imagine having a girl although sometimes I think it would be nice. I've had friends with multiple kids assure me I would love a second as much as him but I worry how it would affect him. Would he feel betrayed? Would he pull away from me? Those of you who have more than one, did anyone feel this way? How did a second child affect your relationship with your first?

I could have written exactly this before ds2 was born. I even talked to dh about feeling like I would be "cheating" on ds1 to have another baby. I was (and still am) extremely close to ds1. I was really worried, and even shed tears, about losing or weakening my bond with him. I "knew" that while I would love my second baby, I would always secretly love my first more.

But that isn't what happened. It is entirely true that your love isn't divided, it's multiplied. And what happens is that it isn't even possible to feel like you love one more or less than the other, because you love them differently.

And if anything, I feel like my bond with ds1 grew even stronger. Our alone time together became that much more sweet and precious. Watching him nurture the baby made me love him even more, which I would never have even thought possible.

If these are your only reasons for not having a second, then I say go for it.

[eilonwy]

Originally Posted by Suzetta

When somebody gives her a kiss or something, but overlooks the baby, she reminds them by saying "Ne Ne too!" She doesn't let anyone ignore the baby! Loading the car takes two trips. If I do her first, she looks at the baby's seat and reminds me. "Ne Ne too!!"

BeanBean does this, too. It's so adorable!

[PumpkinSeeds]

I felt this way too...

Originally Posted by Kirsten

A classmate's mom once told me that when you get married, you are a couple. When you have your first baby, you are a couple with a baby. When you have your second baby, you are a family. I really felt that when it happened to us too. Please no flames from moms of onlies - of course you are also a family!

[scoobers]

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies. We still have more to think about and discuss but this has put my mind more at ease about that aspect of it.

[trimomma]

Scoobers - Your post sounds just like me before and when I got pregnant with #2! While pregnant with #2, I actually sat down one night to cry and mourn the relationship I had with ds that was very soon about to change. Some aspects of it has changed, but not all change is bad, KWIM? My feelings for ds didn't change at all and I loved dd just as fiercely (something I also worried if I would be able to do - which seems so like such a foreign concern to me now that we're here). Now, when I look at ds with dd talking and playing with each other (they're not quite 4 years apart), dh and I realize that they provide emotional connections for one another that dh and I would've never been able to provide for them seperately. I would definitely second a pp's comment about the power of sibling attachment. Ds whispers to dd frequently that he loves her and that they're going to be best friends forever.

Ds was very high needs and I know that's why we chose the spacing the way we did. He was and still very much is a mommy's boy. And this hasn't taken away from my and dd's attachment process at all. I'd say we're all very attached to one another. Ds was so excited about becoming a big brother. When he met dd for the first time, he told her he loved her and began singing 'You Are My Sunshine' to her. We haven't had any issues with jealousy (ds is 5 and dd is 19mos).

Before I got pregnant with dd, I couldn't imagine life with two children - now I can't imagine life without two!!

[mummy2one]

You need to do what YOU want and can cope with and quit worrying about things that may occur with ds. Everything with ds has phases, nothing lasts forever. You have to decide how another baby will affect your life.