When your kids hear hate speech about your family

[Kincaid]

What do you do? And what do you consider an ideal response, even if you are unable to finesse it because of your anger/upsetness/fear?

Here is an example. My DP and I took our 11 month old to the July 4th parade. We looked at the people around us and felt "okay," and even made small talk with the others around us.

When a float for an interdenominal gay religious group (with signs saying "god loves us all" and "god loves all families" etc) went by, the folks around us made very hateful comments. Ranging from a man who was pretend vomiting to another mom saying no church she knows would let those nasty fags in.

I turned to the families in question, and said pointedly "my partner and I take our son to those religious services, and I'd appreciate you not make offensive comments like that in front of our small child." I managed to use a very calm voice. The vomiting man looked embarassed. The mother who was saying god hates fags was tight lipped and furious and obviously holding herself back from saying something worse.

I am aware my calm and polite comment could have escalated the situation tremendously. But how do you not respond when your child is watching and listening?

Something inside me feels like I should have better protected him from being around people who makes comments like that, but of course you can't know by looks who is homophobic, racist, etc. And I can't keep him at home all the time, right?

[tara]

Oh, Kincaid. That sucks. Of course we can't protect our children from hate, as horrible as that feels. Even if you live somewhere really, really queer and never leave it, sooner or later your child will catch a whiff of it somewhere. And I think the very best we can do in those situations is exactly what you did - model respectful confrontation (and, with an older child, talk about the situation). You did good.

Of course there are situations when our guts tell us it isn't safe, when even respectful confrontation might escalate the situation... I think if that happened to me I might move my family to another spot (and, if my child was old enough, talk about it). That's an important lesson, too, really. You're trusting your gut, choosing your battles, staying safe.

Ugh. What a world we live in. And, it's not just our queerness; our kids will experience hate and prejudice for a zillion reasons, from the color of their skin to the brand of their jeans. And all we can do is educate them, stand up for them, be there for them.

[proudmamanow]

Kincaid--just popping in to say I think you handled the situation beautifully, exactly as you should have. As you say, you can't let that kind of thing slide esp. when your dc is present, and it sounds like you managed to avoid escalating into a major confrontation! Way to go!

This is one of the reasons I'm so glad that the same-sex marriage legislation has passed here in Canada. Now I know that Annie won't be exposed to the acrimonious, hateful 'NO' side of the debate as she grows older.

to you and your son

[jgreer]

Kincaid,

I concur with everyone here. I think you handled it beautifully.

You took a stand in a way that helped diffuse the situation, and even though the people there were showing a lack of respect for others, you showed your son that everyone desrves respect.

My grandmother used to tell me that if someone is tormenting me to just smile at them and don't let them see that I'm irritated. Her thought is that if they can't get a rise out of you, they'll get bored and go away.

I think your method was the best of both worlds because you got your point across without things getting ugly.

I hope, when the time comes, I can deal with it as well.

Greer

[Medusa]

Thats just horrid! Shame you werent hanging out in front of The Dame! I was there with a couple of friends and the queer floats got the loudest cheers from everybody!

[Kincaid]

Originally Posted by Medusa

Thats just horrid! Shame you werent hanging out in front of The Dame! I was there with a couple of friends and the queer floats got the loudest cheers from everybody!

We didn't want the baby around a cloud of smoke (he had RSV a few months ago). So that ruled out anywhere near The Bar, Mia's, or The Dame.

We were over in "dullsville" on Vine Street

[cmb123]

I think you handled it very well. I don't think you can possibly shelter him from hearing this kinda stuff from time to time. I really think that being honest with your children, and raising them in a diverse environment makes all the difference (at least that has been working for me). We ( my kids and I ) talk all the time about diffent kinds of families and different kinds of people. They often have questions, and I answer honestly. Because of that, if they hear stuff like you experienced, they know it's ignorance ( at least so far, I don't know what the teen years will be like!). Just be honest with your little guy- as he grows, he'll be able to see things for what they are.

[Diane B]

I also loved your response. I was once part of a discussion about the stupid things that people say to transracial adoptive families (like ours) and someone made the point that she always answers for her child, not for the person asking. In other words, she gives the response that she wants her child to hear, because that's the most important thing.