"Kids need limits" - Page 2

[LunaMom]

I do believe children need limits, but perhaps my definition of this is not the same as what others mean when they say it.

I feel that parents have the responsibility of teaching their children the difference between what's appropriate and what is not, and that children who are not taught this in a caring, consistent way often suffer because they just don't know how to act in various situations.

I don't think people should say no to kids just for the sake of saying no, but I think you have to think long term and know that you are helping your child learn to get along in our society. I think it works best for my child to have clear-cut "rules" of behavior in different settings. For example, she knows we stay in our seats in restaurants. If I was in a restaurant with no other patrons, I still wouldn't let my child scream or run around, because running around in a restaurant just isn't appropriate. And when she was too young to sit still for long in a restaurant, we just didn't go to them very often! I never let my daughter jump on the furniture because it's generally inappropriate to jump on furniture in other's homes, so why should I confuse her by letting her do it at home? I don't want her jumping on my furniture anyway, but even if I didn't mind, I'd hesitate to allow it.

Everyone has different ideas of what's appropriate, and that's where it gets a little tricky, but I have seen way too many children whose parents set few limits and those kids are just all over the place. And it's very unpleasant to have them in my home, let me tell you.

Of course, on the flip side is parents who say no to things they could really say yes to, but these days I tend to see way more too-lenient parents than the other way around.

[eorr]

Originally Posted by Starflower

Limits also, as inappropriately modeled by my father, did not pertain to adults in the same way they did to children. Adults were to be respected, children were to be controlled. (I never learned anything about respect from my father, only about fear. But that's another thread.)

What I think is especially interesting is that growing up with lots of arbitrary limits backed up by "because I said so" helped shape me into a people pleaser with difficulty distinguishing boundaries and believing what I thought didn't matter. (I am now in my mid-30s and still sometimes have to back up, and say "no" after I've agreed to do something for someone.) My brother, on the other hand, has a completely different personality type and became more of the "screw you - I'll do what I want - even if it's harmful to myself and possibly to others" kind of person. (Thankfully, he's now in recovery.) I know that limits on their own don't necessary cause all this type of personal destruction, but they can get out of hand and contribute.

Hear hear!! I could have written that one. I agree with much of what has been said by the pps, and am so proud to be in a community with women who keep cool heads and discuss potentially hot button issues with respect for one another. It gives me hope for our future generations!